


Hamartia

by starksparker



Series: Hamartia [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Far From Home, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Adult Peter Parker, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amputation, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Addiction, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gore, Hurt Peter Parker, Irondad, MCU Peter Parker, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Parent Pepper Potts, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Possible smut, Recovery, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Lives, Whump, dark!peter parker - Freeform, idk y'all it's dark, injuries, spiderson, you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-01-23 02:51:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 94,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18540811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starksparker/pseuds/starksparker
Summary: Hamartia:/ˌhämärˈtēə/nouna fatal flaw leading to the downfall of a tragic hero or heroine.❝You're supposed to be a hero, Pete.❞Through Peter's twenty-three years of life, tragedy keeps striking Peter and his loved ones even when he tries his best to keep everyone safe. His best friends, girlfriend, his aunt, everyone he cares about seems to always be getting hurt because of him, because of Spider-Man. After he's injured, it only gets worse and maybe it's time for him to hang up the hero mask. It's like they say, you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.





	1. Prequel - Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by spiderstan_ artwork on Instagram so here we are
> 
> At the moment, I don't have plans to actually incorporate Endgame so you're all safe from spoilers unless stated otherwise.
> 
> I'm posting this to my Tumblr and my Wattpad under the same user!

He's been here before. This has happened and he was okay. Peter panicked the first time, not having a Stark suit, being on his own, first time facing off his own villain, only being fifteen. This time is different though. The black and red Stark suit cling to his body, KAREN is right in his ear, connected to every single Avenger as well as his other phone contacts and emergency responses. This isn't his first villain. He can do it. At least, he should be able to do it. Peter should be able to lift the debris from the falling building off of himself but when he moves, when he attempts it, that's when the paralyzing pain strikes him like a bolt of lightning.

An ear piercing scream leaves Peter's lungs, one that's nearly ripping the muscle of his throat to shreds. Tears prick the back of his eyes, water clouding his vision as he tries to focus his mind. His head shakes, trying to get the tears to move from his eyes but it proves difficult with the mask around his face. His breathing becomes shallow, the more he tries to focus, more he tries to ignore the sheering pain shooting through his limbs.

His right arm is trapped, shoulder to just past the elbow. It's all pins and needles, the loss of circulation enough to make him scream with every twitch. But it's his right leg that's got his head spinning and his heart rate going erratic. His blood pressure is dropping, the adrenaline wearing low and it's only then Peter hears KAREN in his ear.

"You are severely injured, Peter. I have signaled for an ambulance." KAREN says.

Peter coughs, the coughing turning into painful and heart-wrenching cries. "Stark." Peter croaks, his head swimming, foggy up. "Need Stark." Peter manages to stay. "Please." A broken cry falls from his blood-covered lips.

Blood comes up with every cough while KAREN is calling for help, Peter stuck just waiting. He's trapped and unable to move. He doesn't know the damage to his body and he doesn't  _want_  to know. He knows it's bad. The pain is nothing he's ever experienced, his breathing is too low. A part of Peter is even certain this is what death feels like.

"KAREN?" Peter asks, sniffling back his cry to talk to his AI.

"They are on their way, Peter." KAREN responds.

Peter breaks just enough to let out another cry, one of mixed panic and pain. "Ca-can you call May for me? I--" Peter starts coughing once more, tasting iron with every cough ripping his throat. He sobs, yelling at the top of his legs, the slightest movement making it feel like his arm is being ripped from him, his leg even going numb. "I need to talk to May." Peter cries out. "Please, c-call May."

It's a rash decision but the pain Peter is in and the weakness that's coming over his body, he needs to talk to May. She lost her husband, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law. Her parents are dead and Peter is all she has. Peter cannot let himself slip into the darkness that's whispering his name without calling May.

The phone connects, May's voice ringing through the phone. "Peter? Is everything okay?" Call it a mother's intuition, but when she saw the number on her caller ID, she had a horrible, agonizing feeling in her gut that something was wrong.

"May?" Peter tries his best to hold back a sob. "I-I'm sorry. I tried and I can-can't, I can't do it. I'm sorry, May." Peter sobs his forehead resting against the flat concrete beneath him, tearing flooding his vision.

"What happened?" There's panic in May's voice and no other sound on her end, as if she's completely stopped everything she was doing, frozen in place while she waits for her nephew to say anything.

"'M stuck." Peter croaks. "I dunno but it's not--" Peter coughs and all-too-familiar taste of iron floods his tongue. "You're the best aunt anyone could ask for."

"Don't you say that, do you hear me, Peter?" May's running around the apartment, tossing the phone on speaker as she's contacting Tony.

Peter sniffles and he can feel it. He can feel the light and the darkness coming for him, death ready to hold his hand for the second time in his twenty years of living. It's coming for him. Whatever is wrong with him is killing him and it's doing it painfully slow.

"I'm sorry." Peter cries and May's eyes well up with tears. "I love you and you're like a mom to me. You did a good job and it's not your fault, okay?"

"Listen to me, Peter Parker." May pulls herself together, stopping just before she opens the door to the apartment. "You might be Spider-Man but you're my nephew. You're like a son to me and you're gonna hang on. Do not give up. There is no giving up."

It sounds like a cheesy pep talk when a kid doesn't make a sport's team but it's all May can say. Peter isn't going to go into details but his voice is weak and he is sobbing. When Peter freaks out, May freaks out and vise versa. Peter doesn't freak out and he sure as hell doesn't break down unless something is bad. And this? This is about as bad as it gets and May just needs to make sure Peter hangs on. It's all she can do.

And for Peter? He knows he needs to keep trying to stay awake even when his head is spinning and his blood pressure starts to fall into the danger zone. He knows he needs to hang onto whatever is left of him because without May, without his friends, without the people he calls family, he only has things worth dying for, not worth living for. And he still has most of them. He has his family.

"It just hurts." Peter whines, holding back a sob, trying to gain some clarity.

"Tony is on his way with help." May tries to reassure with the quiver in her voice.

"I know." Peter whispers because he already knows. Despite the shock, he's not too arrogant to know when he needs help and he knows KAREN can reach any of the Avengers at any time. It's the team. But, with May telling him that, he really knows Tony is coming because that means May texted him. And maybe that means he's close.

"Peter?" May asks, her voice washed with panic. "Peter!"

"Sorry." Peter mumbles and it's like this wave of calm washes over him. His heart is starting to calm down and the pain is only located in his right leg, but it's fading just as his thoughts are and his eyes are drooping closed. His head feels light, light as a cloud even and he's starting to feel at peace. "Tired." Peter says.

"Peter," It's KAREN in his ear now. "You're losing a lot of blood. You need to stay awake."

"Tired." Peter sucks in a shallow and staggered breath.

And there's this part of his brain that is just howling at him to stay awake. If he sleeps, that's it. He is not coming out of this. He doesn't know the damage but if blood loss is part of his issue, he'll need an emergency room quicker than he'll be able to get out from under the building. And if it's blood loss, where is he losing the blood? That voice is just screaming panicked questions at him to keep him alert but there's a quieter, more sinister voice that's lulling Peter to sleep.

It's sticking a hand over the howling voice, long and skinny fingers, skeleton-like fingers just wrapping around the howling voice, hiding it from Peter's mind. From his ears, the place he needs to hear and it replaces that howl with sweet and calm whispers of sleep and happy dreams with bright lights and Uncle Ben. It's calling him to another side, sinister and creepy grin ready to pull the young life with it. And it's working.

Peter's eyes close despite May still on the line screaming for Peter to answer her, despite KAREN's voice telling Peter to stay awake in his other ear. Their voices are drowned out by the grim voice of death. Peter's heart is beating at a low but steady and barely beating rate, the muscles of his body relaxing with every second while his body grows cold limb by limb and then it's over. Peter's lost his fight with fatigue and determination.

* * *

It was a light, bright and warm and so welcoming. And Peter walked towards it, steady steps that didn't ache, didn't hurt. His head was clear and content, as if he were perfectly fine. Another building hadn't come down on top of him. The Lizard hadn't gotten away. He didn't call May. Nothing. Just....contentement. Pain-free until it wasn't.

It's still a little bright as Peter's eyes slowly open, eyelids weighing down with a heavy sedative. It's a sharp pain in his right leg, just above the knee that hurts while his shoulder is experiencing a similar pain just a little duller, possibly even a little tolerable while it's hung in a sling. His chest hurts, an ache like after holding his breath for too long and finally letting the air hit his lungs for the first time. And his head is pounding while he blinks. And then everything floods him.

The Lizard. Crunching of the concrete. The darkness and dust. The horrible, muscle tearing pain in his leg and arm. The fear.

Peter groans, the groan deep in his throat while he turns his head, a horrible pain making him stop. It's like he has a kink in his neck, something that doesn't even cause him worry or panic. He was trapped under a building in an uncomfortable position, if his neck didn't hurt, he'd be worried.

"M-m-m" Peter tries to get the word out only for it turn into a dry cough, pulling May from her shallow sleep.

"You're awake." May's face is pale but filled with relief as she jumps to her feet and gets Peter a drink of water. He takes it and May's eyes fill with the tears at the sight of her nephew awake.

It's been three days. It has been the three longest days of her life waiting for him to wake up. She's run over what to tell him a million times knowing there's nothing that's going to lessen the blow to him, knowing it's going to break his heart. Tony offered to tell him as did Bruce but May said it's best if she does it. She's his aunt, the person who's basically his mother, this is for her to tell him.

"Hey, May." Peter mutters, the corners of his mouth trying to pull into a soft smile.

She returns the same shallow smile before kissing the top of his head and running his hand through the messy strands. "I need to get your doctor." It's a sad smile that comes to her face.

"What's wrong?" Peter asks before May can walk away. He'd like to say it's just his spider sense going off, telling him that there's something wrong but maybe it's just the haunting look May gives him.

May shakes her head. "You were hurt, bad." May says, trying to sugarcoat it but Peter knows whatever she's going to say is going to be worse than just  _bad_. "When Tony and Rhodey found you," May chokes away a few tears. "You were already unconscious and lost a lot of blood. It was your leg." May says, her eyes glancing to Peter's right leg and his face falls, the remaining color completely drained.

"What about my leg?" Peter asks and he's scared to look, fearing the absolute worst.

He knew the pain wasn't right. He's had bad pain before, even been electrocuted but there was just something different about how his leg felt under the concrete that covered his body. It was almost a gnawing and sawing pain on the limb, aching and sharp and burning. And then it's a rush of memories with KAREN talking about his blood loss and how the damage his body sustained was really bad. Things piece together slowly and he knows. Without looking, he knows because the pain is still there.

"I'm so sorry, Peter." May brushes her hand over his head. "It's gone. They couldn't save it."

Peter's eyes widen and the tiredness he felt vanishes in an instant. May's voice turns to an echo while panic starts to set in. Gone. It's gone. His heart races and he has to move the blanket from his lower half, he has to be sure he heard May correctly and he hates that he did. The white blanket is pulled off and he's left with his left leg intact but his right leg just above the knee is gone. A metal ring covers where the rest of the limb should be. The skin around the metal plate is red, a bright healing red. There are staggered and stitched up cuts at the base of the metal leading up his leg, all stopping in different places and all from being trapped under the building, all willing to leave Peter with scars. And Peter's world feels like it's just been shattered.

How is he supposed to be Spider-Man without a leg? Scaling buildings seems like it's going to be impossible. There's not a doubt in Peter's mind that the metal ring is there for a prosthetic but a piece of metal isn't going to be able to stick to walls or buildings or anything. And how he is supposed to move without a leg, one made of metal? Part of what makes him Spider-Man is his agility and ability to move quick and slick. A metal leg is going to prevent that. He has these powers, his powers lead him here, and now his powers are useless.

"Peter?" May calls, trying to pull him from his thoughts.

"Go away." Peter mutters, head hitting the pillow.

May sighs but doesn't protest. "I'll go get your doctor."

She knew he wouldn't take it well so she tries not to take it personally. Ben and May raised him to believe that if he could do good things for other people, he had a moral obligation to do those things and because of that, Spider-Man has become something more than just a hero. It's a part of him and May knows her nephew is thinking of all the ways this is going to destroy that part of him. And while she knows that, it doesn't make his reaction any easier.

Peter's SHIELD doctor comes in alongside two SHIELD nurses, Tony, and May. The doctor is talking, explaining exactly what happened. The building crushed his leg and the limb was mangled by the time they got him out from under the building. He lost almost half of his blood volume and if it weren't for him being genetically altered, he likely would have died. They decided to add the metal attachment the day after the amputation, knowing his body would be better suited to add the metal and allow the rest of his limb to heal around it.

They go on about how he tore his rotator cuff and he fractured his shoulder blade but those injuries are healing fine and within two weeks, his arm will be back to normal but everything seems to just go in one ear and out the other.

While trapped under the building, Peter felt a numbness through his limbs and through his chest and now that numbness is back but this is worse. At least his numbness then was a sign that he was breathing despite the damage his body sustained. In order to feel numbness, he has to be alive. But now the numbness is just from shock and immediate heartbreak, making him wish he didn't make it out. At least under the building, he had hope but in a SHIELD hospital with bright lights, arm in a sling, people in and out of the room, and one leg, he can't find that spark.

To him, he doesn't have anything to hope for. His life is already changed and according to him, it's worse. It's been minutes and he's already convinced himself that he'll never be the same and everything is over. Under the building, he had the choice to fight or give up but now he's breathing and he'll be fine. He doesn't have this choice and  _somehow_ , that's worse.

"I have a leg attachment for you." Tony says, brows furrowing at the distant and straight-faced expression on Peter's face. "It'll move and function just as your other leg."

Peter scoffs, turning his head to look at the window with white blinds covering the glass. "Sure, it will."

"Peter." May warns.

"Can't you just go? I wanna be alone." Peter keeps his eyes on the window while the doctor, nurses, Tony, and May look between each other but decide they'll let him be.

"Are you in pain?" The doctor asks before he steps out.

"You took off my leg and now I have metal attached to flesh. Flesh and metal don't exactly mold well together, what do you think?" Peter slowly turns his head to look at the doctor, expression flat as a board.

"I'll have a nurse get something stronger." The doctor isn't phased by Peter's attitude, used the mistreated by others in the same position as Peter.

A nurse comes in a few minutes later with more pain meds. She sets him up with a Morphine drip and tells him how it works while he remains silent and soon enough, she's out of the room allowing Peter to himself. He presses the button that controls the drip and the medication starts flowing through his bloodstream, a sense of blissfulness consuming him as it makes him drowsy before he falls asleep.

As the day goes on, Peter's friends stop in to see him but he mostly ignores them. He's angry at the world and himself but he's also disappointed and he's afraid they'll start looking at him differently. They already look at him with pity in their eyes and Peter hates it. He's never been a fan of pitty but today, under these circumstances, it just makes his head scream for more morphine to knock him out.

He looked at Ned and Shiloh differently after what happened to them and he's not dealing with either of them looking at him differently and he as hell is not going to let MJ pitty him. So, his thumb presses the button and the morphine kicks in, numbing the pain and the ache of his chest before he feels comfortable to sleep.

The first week goes by just like that. Peter stays in pain and barely says anything to anyone, eating just enough to get by. Everything anyone has to say goes in one ear and out the other, relying on the morphine to make him feel anything besides numbness and pain before he lets it drag him to sleep. It's all but killing May to watch him go through his and she's trying the nice routine with him first but as week two rolls around, she's not sure how long she can keep it up.

* * *

Three weeks, he's not moved from his bed other than limping to the bathroom in two weeks despite the doctor constantly telling him he needs to get up and start on the prosthetic. Tony has tried, his friends, MJ, everyone has tried getting him out of his bed but he refuses. He doesn't see a point. He's been through a traumatic experience and everyone understands and respects that but Peter doesn't give up. He wasn't raised to give up because something horrible happened.

"Get up." May rips the blanket off of him, earning a glare from Peter before he rips the blanket back from her.

"No." He says, eyes focused on the TV, the news talking about how they need Spider-Man back, how he disappeared after facing off with the Lizard. Everyone is speculating he's dead, not knowing he's sitting in a hospital bed, refusing to do anything.

"Get up right now, Peter Parker." May's voice is stern with frustration. "Now."

"No." Peter snaps. "And you can't make me anymore." Peter scoffs.

"I don't know who you think you're talking to--"

"My aunt." Peter quips. "I don't want to get up and you shouldn't have told them to do this." Peter's voice raises as he points to his right leg. "Maybe I didn't want it."

"You would have rather you die?" May asks him.

"It's better than this." Peter mumbles.

The comment is quick and Peter immediately regrets it but there's depression deep in his mind, clouding his rational decision making and it's making him all the more stubborn. So, he doesn't apologize. He doesn't take it back. He sits with his arms crossed and eyes staring at the TV.

"Fine." May walks away from his bed and grabs her things. "You're not a kid anymore so you can do this on your own."

Peter glances to her and there's a pulling in his chest, eyes starting to gloss over with tears. He doesn't want May to leave. He might not talk, or at least when he does, he's not pleasant but he doesn't want her to leave. She's like a mom to him and, adult or not, he does need her.

And there's the bitter and the pissed off side of Peter that is mean to everyone and judging himself, yelling at himself for everything that's lead to this moment but there's that smaller voice, mouse-like even, that's telling him this is wrong. He's wrong and he needs to try, put a little bit of faith and hope into this. But, he can't seem to bring himself to say anything, he just stares at May with watery eyes and she leaves.

It's not something she wants to do and she will be back because she could never leave him like that but maybe he needs a little bit of tough love. Ever since he went through the events with Thanos, him dying and being stuck in the soul stone, he's had spurts of depression and sometimes to get him out of bed, May has to give him tough love. It hurts her more than Peter will know but it works. It worked when he came back from the dead and it worked after Ned and it worked after Flash and worked again after Shiloh. May knows it'll work with this again.

More days go by and Ned has tried talking to Peter but that didn't prove to be any good, the scar across Ned's neck telling Peter he's a failure with or without a leg, making him question if he should have ever put on a mask to begin with. But, Ned tried anyway. He pushed through, Peter asking him to leave and yelling at him to leave. He tried and while it didn't work, it was something.

Tony tried just as well as Rhodey and Bucky. Peter looks at Tony as a father figure, he designed the leg, he had an arc reactor in his chest keeping him alive and then put it right back in. Tony had to try and he couldn't stand seeing a kid he grew to look at his own in this state, locked away in a hospital bed, away from the rest of the world. But, just like with Ned, nothing. Peter refused to get up.

And when it came to Rhodey and Bucky, it didn't go smoothly. It had been almost four weeks and it took a lot from Rhodey to not speak to Peter like he were the kid he grew to know. It's as if Peter, despite being able to see the mechanical legs attached with Rhodey's, forgot Rhodey's paralyzed. Forgot Rhodey's ranking in the military, completely forgot he's War Machine with or without working flesh and muscle. It's not about flesh, it's about what's in his heart and head and Peter is outright ignoring it.

Bucky tried a nicer approached. He tried the explaining how he had fallen way back in the '40s and he was given that metal arm just to be an assassin, the same story Peter heard just with more gruesome details of the things Bucky did, what they made him do. Why they gave him an arm. Bucky's point was that he doesn't have an arm and yet here he is. He can still do everything he did before but, Peter in his state of low depression and stubborness, refused to look at it as the same as him. And it is a little different but not by much.

Bucky is relying on Wakandan tech to replace the limb he lost and Peter is supposed to be relying on Stark tech. They're both relying on tech from two of the best engineers. One just happens to be an arm and one happens to be a leg but that's it. If Bucky can do it, Peter can do it. He just can't see it yet.

That's when they resort to having Michelle talk to him. They've had history so the thought was that maybe someone he was romantically involved with and remained friends with can lead some insight but, it only fell flat and lead to MJ being annoyed with both herself at not being able to help and Peter for being less than kind. It lead to her leaving on the verge of tears from the frustration. She knew he was Spider-man but she didn't sign up for this and she doesn't know how to help him, she doesn't know what to do or say. So, Shiloh takes her turn.

Shiloh takes a seat in one of the chairs beside Peter's bed, facing the tv, and all he does is roll his eyes at her, arms crossed over his chest. "Whatever you say isn't going to help." Peter mutters.

"So, you really wanna rot away in a hospital bed in a SHIELD building? That's your big plan, huh?" Shiloh snarks, looking over to him.

"Go away." Peter sighs.

"Nah, I'm chill here. I should probably watch the news more often anyway." Shiloh turns her attention to the TV hanging on the wall in front of Peter's bed and Peter's blood boils while he reaches for the control for the morphine drip but Shiloh is already grabbing it. "What? Want more? Hoping it'll knock you out so you won't have to hear me nag your ear off?"

"I'm in pain." Peter retorts.

"You're always in pain and it's been four weeks. Shut up, get up, and deal with it. Don't rely on a drip." Shiloh holds it by the chord, taunting Peter.

"I'm not relying on a drip.  _I'm in pain_." Peter grits his teeth.

"Do you know why you're in pain? You're depressed and you're not moving. Your muscles are deteriorating but you know that. If you get up, it won't hurt nearly as bad. Or are you starting to like it, too much?" Shiloh's eyes are narrowed while she grasped the drip having no intention of giving it back to him.

"Why do you care?" Peter groans, reaching over his bed but Shiloh just pushes her chair back before standing up and walking to the machine, unplugging the drip. "What the fu--"

"Want it? Get up." Shiloh glares down at Peter and she isn't having any of his shit. She cares too much to watch him rot away in a bed.

"No." Peter sits back in bed and Shiloh takes her seat again, stuffing the button into her pocket.

"Look, if you're gonna be a dick to Rhodey, Bucky, my fucking dad, MJ, and Ned, you're gonna deal with me. And I'm not leaving until you get up so I guess you're gonna have to get used to this."

Peter scoffs, a try chuckle coming from his throat. "You have class."

"Do I?" She asks, the quick shrug of her shoulders catching Peter's eyes. "I don't know, Pete. Do I want to be in engineering for me or for my dad? Is it for me, really? Maybe I should do something else. What about genetic studies?" Her eyes aren't even on Peter anymore, they're set back on the TV but Peter is looking at her, the scowl softening.

"You have practice." Peter tries, his voice not as harsh.

Shiloh sighs. "Yeah, I do but the team will understand I'm here with you. I already cleared it with the captain."

Peter mimics the sigh, running a hand through his hair and he's been friends with Shiloh since they were freshmen in high school. She's never admitted it, but Peter's always been a little convinced she told her dad he was Spider-Man.

Shiloh was the first person to find out, Peter just needing to tell someone about it and if her dad is Iron Man, Peter figured she wouldn't tell anyone. And if she told her dad, it's not like he was mad about it. But, either way, they've been friends and he does confide her when he can't to Ned, MJ, or May. Shiloh gets it a little better than the rest, it's why she's in here now. Shiloh gets the hero thing.

"You're really not gonna leave, are you?" Peter asks, the venom and scowl completely gone but his eyes are back on the tv.

Shiloh smiles as she shakes her head. "Nope, you're stuck with me, dude." Shiloh turns her head, sending Peter the smile and he rolls his eyes but he finds it hard not to crack a smile back at her.

"You, uh, you really gonna switch majors?" Peter asks, eyes now on hers.

Shiloh laughs with the shake of her head. "Nah. I'm just trying to get you out of bed."

Peter huffs, but there's still a smile crossing his lips. "I don't want to get up."

 **"** You're really gonna throw it all away? **"**  Shiloh asks and this time, her voice doesn't hold venom or sarcasm, not snark. It's just an honest question.

"What else am I supposed to?"

"Get up." Shiloh says as she moves to face him fully. "You get up, Pete. It's hard. No one said being a hero is easy but you gotta get up and try anyway." Shiloh presses. "Rhodey gave you the whole the spiel about it and so did Bucky but now I'm gonna. We've all had bad shit happen to us that we thought would end everything we do but we got up. We get up because either it's the right the thing or because fuck you. But we get up. And we do what everything thinks we can't anyway. I'm not a damn hero but I get up. Ned gets up. Wanda, Sam, T'Challa, Dr.Banner, Clint, Quill, Mantis, Drax, Fury, Maria, my dad, my mom," Shiloh rushes name after name in a single breath. "All of us get up and now it's  _your_ turn."

Peter lets out a breath and his eyes go to the blanket that's covering his lower half while he thinks. This is why Shiloh can snap sense into Peter. She gets it in the same way Peter does. They're not kids anymore but sometimes, the older adults talk to them like they are. Like they're kids dealing with adult problems and it doesn't help. And it's different when Ned tries because he's only had one experience and MJ's never had one luckily but Shiloh? Shiloh has been put in danger since she was little because of Tony being Iron Man.

"What if..." Peter trails off trying to get his words together. "W-what if I can't do it?" He looks to her, his eyes catching the sharp blue of the arc reactor necklace around her neck. "What if it doesn't work? What then?" His eyes meet hers with the end of the question.

"You deal with it." Shiloh says. "Look, the only thing that makes you like a spider is your weird sticky ability and your warped circulator system. That's it. You don't have to scale walls. My dad uses blasters, Strange uses magic, Thor flies, Steve just gets around in cars and whatever other vehicles as does Nat and Clint and Bucky. Sam has mechanical wings. Do I need to go on?"

Peter chuckles, a genuine chuckle for the first time in a month. "No," He shakes his head. "It-it's just," He takes in a breath. "Ned was almost killed because of me and I had two legs then. And you were, too." Peter hangs his head as he remembers the sight of his two friends bleeding out at the hands of two other villains he's had to face.

Shiloh nods and decides to stand up. "Yeah," She lets out a sigh. "I don't have anything for that but, that's part of it. I know you live by the whole moral obligation, with great power comes great responsibility thing and I respect that." Shiloh gestures a hand out. "I admire you for it, even but you have to know that you can't save everyone, two legs or one. Sometimes being a hero means you can't save everyone."

That. It's that last sentence that strikes Peter in the way he needed it. Heroes can't save everyone but Peter sure as hell doesn't give up on trying to save everyone. When he's given the ultimatum between a loved one and a group of people, he will figure out a way to save both even against all odds. He will cut the wire every single time and while he's been laid up in this hospital bed, sulking in all his self-pity, it's so much different hearing it come from Shiloh.

"I should be able to save you guys though." Peter tries and this time, he moves to sit up straight, more than he's done in weeks while in front of people. And this time, he's not arguing either. He's just stating the thought through his head but he's readying himself to move regardless of what Shiloh is going to say.

"We're alive. Sure, we're a little scarred over it but Ned is okay. Ya know, he only goes to therapy once a month and that's  _his choice_. His therapist said he could come in once every two months. And you know damn well my dad would ship me off anywhere if I was really fucked up over it." Shiloh cracks another smile. "I have the scars from it and Ned does, too but we lived and we're both okay. We're just trying to get you to be okay now. You save everyone, but who saves you?" Peter goes to open his mouth but Shiloh doesn't let him finish. "Us. We save you. We got you so, Peter, get your ass off this bed." She extends a hand to him, her eyes locked with his and Peter wants to be stubborn but she's right.

_They always get up._

"Um," Peter sticks out his hand but doesn't lock it with Shiloh's. "W-what if I want to stick to walls?" A smile comes to Peter's face, it's nervous and it's a serious question but it makes Shiloh laugh.

"Bold of you to assume my dad and I aren't working on one that will allow that." Shiloh sends him a smirk with the wiggle of her brows. 

Peter looks down and pulls the blanket from his lap, revealing his left leg and right leg with the metal band around the end. "I'm ready."

"Alright, Parker." "Shiloh gives him a wide smile, pulling him to sit all the way up so his leg can hang off the edge of the bed before she moves to get the prosthetic leg. "You know this is just a temp, right? Just for you to get used to it while we fix up the new one and you say what adjusts you need? It'll be more like Bucky's arm rather than something this detachable."

Peter nods, watching Shiloh move to her knee to start hooking up the attachment to the end. "Adjustments?" He raises a brow with curiosity. 

"Oh, yeah." Shiloh chimes. "Whatever can be done by dad and I will do. I'm willing to bet you'll end up with Iron Spider suit again but it'll come out of the leg." Shiloh pauses for a second as she looks up to Peter. "Actually, that'd be cool..."

Peter laughs from above her but it soon fades into something sheepish and awkward. "You, uh, you know that this...it's not..." He shrugs his shoulders, the expression saying what he's thinking.

"I know." Shiloh looks up to him. "Your mental health is your fight but we're here to stand beside you in it. This though," Her eyes glance between the doe-eyed brown eyes looking down to her and the prosthetic in her hands. "Is your first step back to where you were."

"Thanks, Stark." Peter gives her a sheepish smile.

She nods. "But, your second step is apologizing to everyone. Rhodey and Bucky especially."

Peter nods. "I will."

There's a stubbornness in his voice but you know as well as Peter does that it's just a pride/depression thing, but he'll apologize. He'll apologize and he'll put this leg on and he'll go to therapy and physical therapy. And then he'll give a genuine, heartfelt apology again. He's going to be depressed and he's sure to have panic attacks and likely nightmares but it'll get better because it always does. And he has all the support in the world, from everyone regardless of what the last month has been like.

"Well, alright," Shiloh beams up at him, ready to connect the prosthetic to the metal band. "Ready to get back at it, Spidey?"

Peter looks to the TV, smile decorating his face before he looks down at Shiloh, determination back in his eyes. "Do it."


	2. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place 1 year after the prequel!

City light just barely seep through the pulled curtains while Shiloh and Cindy sleep. Cindy's on her side, wrapped up in the black comforter while Shiloh is laid on her stomach, blanket pulled down to her waist and exposing her bare back. The room is peaceful all except for the sound of Shiloh's phone vibrating against the nightstand.

It's Cindy the vibrating finally pulls from a deep sleep. She reaches out and checks the phone, seeing Ned's name almost blind her from the brightness of the screen. With squinted and blurry eyes, she reads the number of texts to see Ned's texted her fifteen times. A sigh falls from her lips while she puts the phone back and looks to Shiloh.

With her back exposed to the open air, Cindy gets the view of the scars around each should and coming down her shoulder blades while two other scars just peak out from where the blanket meets her waist, the scars on either side of her hips, harsh reminders of what she's been through as if the two on her face weren't enough. Shiloh doesn't sleep much so it's killing Cindy to know she'll need to wake her up.

Cindy glides her fingertips over the scars before she starts lightly tapping. "Shi?" She whispers but Shiloh doesn't so much as breathe differently. "Shiloh." Cindy says a little bit louder, her tapping becoming harder. "Shiiillooohhhh." Cindy moves her hand to Shiloh's shoulder, shaking her.

"Mm," Shiloh hums, a smile pulling at her lips as she starts to stir awake but the tired bliss washes away as the sound of the obnoxious ringtone of her phone starts blaring. "Ugh." Shiloh groans, face turning into the pillow.

"Ned's been texting you." Cindy says, pulling Shiloh's phone from the charger and handing it over.

Shiloh looks to Cindy with an apologetic smile, tired but kind before she checks the time on the phone and answers. "Yeah?"

"I know it's late." Ned starts, words rushed and quick, laced with guilt.

"Four in the morning, yeah it's late and it's early. What's up?" Shiloh mutters, head still buried in her pillow.

"Um," Ned stutters, trying to figure out how to ask what he needs. "Can you bail Peter out?"

Shiloh's eyes fully open as she sits up, twisting in bed and pulling the blankets to her chest. "Sorry, one more time?"

"Peter, he's been arrested. Can you bail him out? I don't have the money and I'm at Betty's. She's was asleep...and...well..."

"Yeah, yeah," Shiloh says with understanding. "She's still not particularly fond of the spiderling. Um," Shiloh looks down to Cindy, who's watching with furrowed and tired brow, knowing Shiloh's the one having to sacrifice another night with her significant other for Peter. "Yeah, I'll go. What happened?" Shiloh gives Cindy an apologetic expression before getting out of bed, locating her old Midtown High shirt that used to be Peter's and tossing it over her head.

Ned sighs on the end of the phone, allowing his frustration and disappointment for his long-time best friend to slip through. "Drugs." Ned says. "He's high out of his mind, Shi."

That's when the worry hits. Peter was never really the same after he lost his leg. He got back to being a hero, doing rehab and all that but there was always something a little off. Everyone around him knew, but no one really knew how else to help him. Peter was already seeing a therapist and he was getting help but it was like losing his leg really cost him a part of himself and he was trying to find it again in different ways. But, it was a bit more than that.

It wasn't just that it was hard to take on being Spider-Man again with a metal leg, even if it did function almost the exact same as his opposite leg. It was hard but what made it worse was Peter's lack of sleep. He had the whole nightmare traumas, every single night, if he were actually able to get sleep at all. Most of the time, he stayed awake, patrolling, working in the tower, finding something to keep him awake. Peter's superhuman, he can stay awake longer than normal people but it did eventually catch up to him and when it did, it was hell for not only him but everyone around him.

The nightmares left him howling and screaming and wailing at the very top of his lungs. There was one day even when he showed up to one of Shiloh's practices to help with some photos and he could barely talk because of the screaming that came from a nightmare the night prior. They were always flashes of Ned bleeding out, Shiloh almost getting ripped to shreds, Flash being electrocuted. The building. Losing his leg, bleeding, the gore, everything. He's in a constant state of reliving his worst moments. And because of that, he, unfortunately, remembers what he did when he wanted to sleep and avoid it.

_Morphine._

It's a heavy drug, one doctors don't really like to prescribe for this exact reason but Peter was prescribed it to deal with his pain. But, he's been relying on it to sleep, not for pain. He needs to sleep, he takes double what he's supposed to because being his superhuman body metabolizes it too quickly and he needs more. And sure, it does help him sleep, dreamless nights even, but at what cost?

_Michelle._

It's hard to be a hero when you're stoned out of your mind and didn't catch the call your girlfriend was attacked by your infamous villain, the Green Goblin. Peter was woken up when May got the news MJ was in trouble. The Goblin was Peter's villain but Wanda stepped in with Shiloh to take care of it before Peter showed up but Michelle was already gone by the time the two of them had arrived. And it only got worse when Peter came.

One look at Michelle's body laying lifeless and he lost it. Norman didn't even stand a chance. Peter's intent wasn't to kill him but in the fit of agony and maybe even his high, he forgot his strength just for a second and killed Norman with a single punch. Ever since then, Peter simply doesn't care when he's high and when he's not. If he can't save the people he loves, what's the point?

And now, apparently, he's resulted in finally being arrested.

"Okay," Shiloh says quietly, grabbing a pair of her sweatpants, moving the phone between her shoulder and ear. "I've got him."

Ned sighs. "You're gonna get him?" There's a different kind of strike in Ned's tone, catching Shiloh off guard.

"Yeah? Why wouldn't I?" Shiloh asks, holding the phone back with her hand.

"You're always chasing after him, aren't you tired of it? You should call your dad." Ned asks and it's a blunt question, one he wants a brutally honest answer for. It's four in the morning and he's tired but so is Shiloh.

Peter's a good hero, heart of gold really but after Michelle, he just can't do it. He's been getting into trouble, mostly petty crimes that would only result in a cheap fine but it's crime nonetheless. And Shiloh is the one always making sure he's not getting into too much trouble, making sure he isn't like this, high while out and walking around. Tonight's the one night Shiloh decided to take to be with her girlfriend, live her own life for once. So, Ned's question is valid.

Shiloh sits on the bed to slide on her shoes, phone still balancing between her ear and her shoulder. "He's my friend and he's yours, too, last time I checked. And..." Shiloh trails off. "I can't get my dad involved and you know that."

It's not that Shiloh can't get Tony involved, it's that she doesn't want to. Peter always looked up to Tony and if he knew what Peter was getting into, Tony would be disappointed. Shiloh doesn't want that added guilt and disappointment weighing on his shoulders even if it might be the better decision.

A groan comes from the other end. "I know." Ned says. "He's my best friend, I love him like a brother but--"

"But what?" Shiloh grabs her phone and switches ears.

"I think your dad is a better option." Ned admits, sorrow in his voice.

"He's not. I know he's not. I can do this, okay? I get you don't want to or you can't but I can and I will." Shiloh lets out a breath, bringing her voice down. "My responsibility. I promised."

On the other end of the phone, Betty is handing Ned a cup of tea, her brows pulled together in a look of sadness for her long-time boyfriend. "Thanks." Ned says to her, his face relaxing before he goes back to the conversation with Shiloh. "Shiloh," Ned says. "You can't save everyone."

"I'm not trying to save everyone." Shiloh retorts.

"Fine, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved." Ned's words are blunt and harsh.

"Guess I'll die trying." Shiloh almost snaps as she locates the athletic jacket on the floor and slides it over her arms, taking a glance at Cindy who looks only disappointed, sending a wave of guilt over Shiloh.

"You already almost died trying." Ned's teeth are clenched together with his words. "Do you not remember that?" He's losing Peter and he's afraid he's losing Shiloh, too.

Shiloh scoffs. "No, I forget every fucking time I look in a mirror."

Ned shakes his head. "I didn't mean it that way." Ned says.

"I know." Shiloh responds. "It's four in the morning, Pete's been arrested, and we're worried." Shiloh's voice is brought back down as she squeezes the bridge of her nose.

"Yeah."Ned says, understanding in his voice. "Tell him to call me, okay?" Ned asks, dropping the argument.

"I will." Shiloh states. "Wish me luck, not his favorite person." Shiloh huffs, walking over to Cindy's side of the bed.

"Good luck, got your stuff?" Ned asks.

"Never leave home without it." Shiloh chuckles, pulling Cindy in for a hug.

"Good luck, be safe."

"Will do, text you when I get him out." Shiloh reassures before the two hang up, leaving Shiloh to look at her girlfriend with sad eyes. "I have to."

"It's something you have to do." Cindy says, it's disappointment but also frustration in her voice. "Answer me, will there ever be a day you pick me first?"

Shiloh shrugs and shakes her head. "It's not picking him first, Cindy--"

"Then what is it? I haven't seen you in weeks because you're always going after him. You almost died--"

"Don't go there." Shiloh warns. "You weren't there."

"I'm trying." Cindy pleads. "But you always leave like this."

"We've been through more than you can imagine. Life is shit but Pete and me, make it work. We get it. You don't have to but it's four in fucking morning and my best friend was arrested and I need sweet talk these fucking cops and hope to fuck they'll let me take him otherwise I have to pull the fucking Tony Stark card so if you want to fight this over, I'll call you in the morning."

It's hard and Shiloh isn't stupid, she knows that. She's watched her mom go through it. Her dad might not have completely chosen the hero life, it kind of fell into his lap and became something or a moral obligation but her mom didn't sign up for that. She's in love with Tony and she knew Tony before he was Iron Man and she didn't choose to be in danger or to be rushed off with her kid when something goes south or have to deal with the thought of Tony never coming home and it almost happening all the time. She didn't sign up for that when she met him but Tony makes it worth it and all Shiloh wants to do is be like her dad but, looking at a teary-eyed Cindy and hearing Ned snapping and knowing Peter is sitting in a cell, she knows she's failing. She's not a hero and Cindy didn't sign up for this.

"Go, I'll call you later." Cindy mutters, getting to her knees and kissing Shiloh's cheek.

"Okay." Shiloh nods, quickly grabbing her wallet before exiting the bedroom and then the apartment entirely.

Shiloh makes her way to the station Ned texted her and she's doesn't even have to work herself up for it. She knows she'll walk in there and either they'll immediately hand Peter over when Shiloh gives them money or she'll be calling Tony. Tony faces enough guilt with Peter and Shiloh, she doesn't want her dad to deal with this, too. If he can handle everything under the sun, Shiloh can take care of her friend. They're not kids anymore.

The station is horribly lit with fluorescent lights as if it were the basement of a run-down school. The scent of floor cleaner burns Shiloh's nostrils as she walks to the front desk where an officer is seated very clearly bored at the computer. A large thin slice of pizza is sitting beside the officer, the plate already having small grease stains and it's not until the officer reaches for the pizza that he even notices Shiloh.

"Ah, Stark." He greets, cheeky grin and all, discarding the pizza across the desk.

"Hi." Shiloh says with the roll of her shoulders. "My friend was arrested, I'm here to bail him out." Shiloh cuts to the chase, already feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Her name?" The office gives her a side eye with the question.

" _His_ name is Peter. Peter Parker." Shiloh says through a sigh.

"Sky High? That's your friend?" The officer scoffs, looking down the hallway and back to her. "Didn't think someone like you would--"

"I don't have time for this. What's his bail?" Shiloh asks, pulling her wallet from her pocket.

The officer scoffs. "Who said he's getting out tonight? He doesn't know which way is up."

"Well, I'm not leaving until you let me bail him out. So, how much is his bail?" Shiloh stands un-wavered by the officer's strict and condescending tone.

The officer gains a smirk with the shrug of one shoulder. "Give me everything you have and we'll call it even or, we can process him."

"That's bribery and extortion. You should know you're being recorded at all times so you're going to tell me his bail, right now, or I'll be on the phone with Colonel James Rhodes and you're going to deal with a lot worse than me." Shiloh offers with a smile and the officer immediately stands up, leaning over the desk.

"Bullshit, why don't you call daddy?"

Shiloh holds the same, irking smile. "Marty? Playback, please."

"Yes, miss." Marty, Shiloh's AI responds through her ear and a hologram comes through the arc reactor necklace around her neck, showing every detail and allowing every word that's been shared between Shiloh and the officer to be on display. "Call Rhodey."

"Okay." The officer stops her. "It's two hundred."

"End call." Shiloh says and she pulls out the money, not bothering to even figure out if that's right, her only concern being to get Peter out of there and sober him up.

"Wait here." The officer glares at her but makes his way down the hallway and to the back where the cells are.

Shiloh waits, weight shifting between feet as she waits. She checks the time and it's almost five in the morning and it's too early to be doing this. She's too old to deal with this but she doesn't seem to have much choice. It's just exhausting and all Shiloh wants is a simple rewind.

She wants to go back to when it started and be there for Peter, whether it be for Michelle or for when he lost his leg. Maybe had she been the one arriving earlier, maybe Peter wouldn't be here. Maybe had she just set up the emergency alarm sooner, maybe things would all be different and the guilt just eats away at her, a constant gnawing every single time she thinks about it and every single time she sees Peter. And it only amplifies as Peter is being walked out with the officer, his hair disheveled and dirty, one shoe untied, favoring his left leg as he limps, and a lazy smile turning into a scowl when he spots Shiloh.

"He's yours." The officer says.

"Thanks. C'mon, Pete." Shiloh goes to grab his arm but Peter yanks it away, walking past her and for the door.

Shiloh hangs her head, a deep and frustrated sigh coming from the back of her throat before she follows Peter.

"Go." Peter says, word thick and rough.

"You're high." Shiloh says, still walking behind him as they walk along the sidewalk.

"Not high enough." Peter mutters.

Shiloh's blood starts to boil as her teeth grind and her fists ball at her sides. Peter hasn't been exactly kind to her since Michelle died. Shiloh thought it was just Peter grieving, his way of blaming himself was to blame everyone else, too but now it's been almost a year and Peter still gives Shiloh the cold shoulder. He gives her entire family the cold shoulder. But, Shiloh is determined.

"Peter, stop!" Shiloh yells after him but he keeps walking. "What is your damage, Parker?" She questions, running to catch up with him and walk in front of him.

Peter bumps right into her and his face immediately shoots red with anger. "YOU." Peter yells at her, eyes locked on hers and all Shiloh can see is hatred and pain and agony in his eyes.

"What did I do then? Yell at me for whatever and let's move on. You're high for fuck's sake!" Shiloh's arm flails out in frustration.

"Just leave me the fuck alone!" Peter yells right back but he doesn't make an attempt to move.

"No! You're my friend and I'm not gonna watch you kill yourself!"

"Then don't!" The veins in Peter's neck stick out with his scream and it doesn't even hurt him but it hurts Shiloh.

"No." Shiloh lowers her voice. "I won't watch you kill yourself because I'm not gonna let you."

"It's not your choice." Peter's giving her a death glare, almost determined to just spite her.

"Look, we've all been through shit and I'm sorry that you always get dealt the wrong end of the stick, okay? You deserve so much better but this isn't you.  _I'm worried about you_."

"Then get over it." Peter retorts." She's dead because of you."

Shiloh nearly yells out in frustration. "She's not dead because of me and she's not dead because of Wanda or you. Or anyone besides Norman. I'm fucking sorry we didn't get there in time but MJ was  _my_ friend, too. She might have been your girlfriend but she was my friend. You were the one stoned. Maybe get sober and..." Shiloh stops and she's realizing she's taking it too far.

Peter nods. "And what? Go ahead." Peter scoffs.

"Get sober. See a doctor. You have a limp and you shouldn't. We're here for you, Peter." Shiloh drops it, keeping her voice level.

"I don't want you." Peter scowls. "Fuck off."

"No." Shiloh puts a hand on Peter's chest, stopping him from walking away but also knowing he has the strength to push her away with ease if he wanted. "We're worried. This," Shiloh points her finger between the two them. "We do it together because we get it right?"

Peter looks at her and he's still so angry with her that it's hard to keep himself from pushing her away but his eyes are on her face. Those scars that go from temple to chin on the right side of face. They get it. And it hurts. Those scars did so much damage to her. Shiloh is headstrong but Peter remembers her trying to deal with it, trying to get back into cheerleading once her other wounds were healed. It was agony for her and it was devastating to Peter knowing that it was his villain that did it and it was because they were friends. And maybe that's a reason to stay away from her or maybe it's a reason to keep talking to her.

"I miss her." Peter mutters, leaning for the latter of his choices.

Shiloh hangs her head with a soft nod. "I know. It's gonna be okay, eventually." Shiloh tries to reassure but Peter's jaw is moving just enough where she knows he's trying to keep himself calm. But she doesn't even have time to address it before her phone interrupts them and she was all ready to send it right to voicemail until she sees it's Tony. "Hey?"

"You need to get to the clock tower." Tony says. "Sam is on his way now and I'm right behind him."

"Why?" Shiloh's heart races with Tony's words. She doesn't usually face anyone, facing the aliens at the Avengers building and in Wakanda were rare events. Shiloh does what she can but she keeps her eyes on Peter a lot. "What's wrong?"

"It's May. The funky looking elf has her."

Shiloh's eyes go wide as she looks to Peter and it's as if he's sobered up immediately. His pupils aren't dilated and his face has gone ghost white. Peter's superhuman hearing isn't always the best.

"The goblin?" Shiloh asks for confirmation but before Tony can answer, Peter's ripping the phone from Shiloh.

"The Green Goblin has May?" Peter asks, his voice trying to be strong but there are slight cracks in the words.

Tony pauses but only for a second, knowing he doesn't have the time to argue with him. "Yeah, kid. Give the phone back t--"

Peter tosses the phone at Shiloh before he heads to the clocktower, Shiloh chasing after him while putting the phone to her ear. "How bad is it?"

"I wouldn't have called if I knew you were with the Spider-Ling." Tony says and Shiloh can hear the unease in Tony's voice.

It's  _bad_.

"I'll be there in ten minutes. Send the Iron-Spider suit to Peter." Shiloh hangs up and presses her finger to the necklace, armor coming out from it and coating her body in the red metal before she takes off using the blasters.

When Shiloh arrived, it was bad. It was worse than just bad. It was horrifying and paralyzing. The Green Goblin had May at the top of the clock tower, Peter scaling the building dawning the Iron Spider suit. Tony and Rhodey were flying around the tower, clearly trying to talk the villain down, to let May go but this villain, he's only a little more than deranged. This isn't about winning, this is strictly about causing the most pain he can to Peter and what better way to do that than to capture his aunt, the woman he's looked at as a mother for most of his life, and drop her?

That's the thing with being a hero. Always making enemies, always making your enemies hate you even more. That's the case with Peter. Norman killed MJ, Peter killed Norman, albeit accidentally but killed nonetheless, and now his son Harry is out for revenge. Peter killed his father so it's time for him to kill the person Peter looks at as his mother.

And it all happens too fast to even process. One second, Harry is holding May and the next, the hoverboard he's on starts firing, distracting and trying to kill Tony and Sam while he let's go of May. Peter tries to shoot a web for her and misses, Shiloh is flying as fast as she can but all of that falls useless as Harry turns the board down and takes a fatal shot to May, killing her just before Shiloh reaches her, just before Peter's web grabs the both them, and just before Sam grabs the green villain. It's too late.

* * *

The sky is grey as clouds cover the usually vibrant blue and blinding sun. The cold breeze sends the occasion chill down spines as a crowd of people gather in the gloomed cemetery, not ready to put May to rest but having no other choice. Not a person is dressed in anything other than black, the funeral seeming to make it all worse. It makes it real.

Peter has his hair slicked back, a full black suit hanging from his body, his head hung low. The casket has been lowered and people are leaving, most of them giving Peter a squeeze on the shoulder before leaving him to his own. He hasn't said a word the entire service, not quite knowing or understanding how he's going to live or process a life without his aunt May.

Before any of this, he always felt like he was drowning, consistently treading water and suffering to breathe but now it's like he's just accepted this is life. A life of misery and danger and sadness and loss all wrapped into one and now he's just letting his body sink. He's still drowning but it's silent and maybe that's most deadly form.

A hand rests on Shiloh's shoulder, pulling her attention away from Peter as she watch him from a distance. Her eyes look up to see Tony standing beside her.

"We're gonna head out, meet you back at the tower?" He asks, eyes misty.

"Yeah," Shiloh answer shortly, nodding to her mom.

Pepper looks to Peter and back to Shiloh with sad eyes. "Why don't you try and talk to him again?"

"Yeah." Shiloh responds again, eyes going back to Peter. "Go ahead, I won't be long." She reassures and her parents nod, heading back to their own car with heavy hearts.

All that's left now is Shiloh, Peter, and Ned with Betty at his side. A light breeze picks up and the air starts to smell of the smallest hint of rain. The scene of the sky and the dullness around her could be considered the exact opposite compared to how Peter looks. The small curls that always falls onto his forehead is hanging down but he's not bothered to move it from his vision. His eyes haven't even moved from the casket. His shoulders are slumped, barely even moving with his breath and his lips are pulled into a straight line, almost emotionless, just almost. And all Shiloh can do is hang her head as she tries to find a way to talk to Peter.

"You gonna talk to him?" Ned asks, standing beside her, leaving Betty behind to have a moment alone.

Shiloh glances to her friend with a nod. "Yep."

"You're just standing here though." Ned offers with furrowed brows and sad eyes.

"Yep." Shiloh answers, sucking on her teeth, hand moving to fiddle with the silver and blue necklace around her neck.

"He needs us." Ned states, brows raising as if he's trying to get more of a response from her,  _hoping_  to get a better response.

"Yep."

"Can you say anything besides "yep", please?" Ned asks, the tiredness in his voice leaking through.

"Sorry." Shiloh says, sucking in a breath. "I'm worried about him."

"Yeah, me, too." Ned puts a hand on her shoulder. "But, we've helped him get through everything so far. He can get through this, too."

Shiloh nods, glancing to Ned with a fake smile, trying her best to hide her fear for Peter. "Yeah, I know."

Ned nods, unsure of what else he could say to try and convince Shiloh differently. "Betty and I are going to our house but if you want, you can come by later." Ned offers.

Shiloh shakes her head before declining the offer. "I think I'm just gonna go stay at the tower. Everyone is there for a few days and maybe I can convince Peter to show up or something." Shiloh sighs. "Maybe."

Shiloh knows it's a long shot, she's only fooling herself really but she also knows that Peter needs to be at the tower. Everyone is there. Thor, Bucky, Wanda, Clint, Nat, everyone is there. All of them came today, all for Peter. Being with everyone would help him even just momentarily but Peter isn't always easy to convince and today would be the worst day to convince him to do anything.

"Okay, good luck." Ned offers a quick hug to her. "Text me if you change your mind."

Shiloh nods her head with a quiet promise to text him later before Ned heads back to Betty, the two of them allowing Peter and Shiloh to be the only two left in the cemetery. Shiloh isn't afraid of very much, it comes with the territory of her dad and everything she's either been through or seen but one thing she is afraid of is interacting Peter right now.

Peter already blamed her for MJ and Shiloh's certain he's going to blame her for May as well. He can't even look at her or her family and it is terrible, excruciating even. If Peter handled MJ's death with using drugs to sleep, Shiloh can only imagine the length Peter is going to go to get sleep or even function with May's death. He'll need help but it's like Ned said, she can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. If Peter already felt his world was crumbling with MJ, his world has just imploded with May and he definitely doesn't want any form of help now.

But, nonetheless, Shiloh doesn't give up that easily. She might be worried to talk to him but she won't give up on people she cares about. It'll kill her one day but if she's helping her friends and the people she loves, that's okay. It'll be worth it. So, Shiloh takes the walk to Peter and stands at his side, facing him.

"Peter?" Shiloh whispers and, as expected, Peter doesn't even move. His eyes close but with his head hung, Shiloh doesn't even notice. "Everyone is back at the tower, maybe..." Shiloh trails off, putting a hand on his arm. "You could come back with me and--"

Shiloh's cut off with the sudden movement of Peter. She went from her hand being on his arm to the palms of his hands landing hard on her collarbones and shoving her away from him. The force of the push sends her to the ground, staring up at him with wide eyes and normally, Peter would have been an apologizing mess for using his strength but his face is red and his eyes are puffy. Dark bags decorate the pale skin under his eyes and the lines on his forehead spell out every ounce of his fury.

"Don't fucking touch me." Peter snarls and Shiloh's about to stand up and fight back but Peter's standing over her and yelling. "This is  **your**  fault! Your fault and Tony's! If you'd just stayed out of my life none of this would have happened! May's dead and it's your fault!" Tears escape Peter's eyes, falling down his cheeks with his broken words.

"Hey," Shiloh says, trying to keep her own voice from breaking. "I tried. I tried, we all tried."

"It wasn't enough!" Peter cries out. "She's dead! It wasn't enough, it's never enough!  _You're_  not enough!  _You're_ supposed to be some fucking genius like your dad and you're supposed to save people but you've never saved anyone!" Peter's voice continues to rise and all Shiloh can do is take his yelling. If it were anyone else, she'd have laid them out already, but it's Peter. "You show up and people die! My girlfriend, my aunt, Flash! You killed Harry! All you do is kill people and bring death!"

Everything he says hurts a lot more than Shiloh would like to admit. Peter knows where she's most vulnerable and he's hitting every spot. Her entire life she's wanted to be like her dad and now Peter's knocking her down from that. Shiloh wants to be good enough and most days she knows she is but then there have been those days where everything feels like it's too much and too loud and too heavy and it's not enough,  _she's_  not enough and she'd confide in Peter. Now he's using that against her. And it all stings.

Shiloh can feel the back of her eyes burning while thunder rips through the sky above them. "Look, Pete, I know this hurts--"

"Hurts?" Peter chuckles coldly, a few drops of rain landing on his face. "Are you hearing yourself?" Peter's eyes lock with hers and the disgust that fills his face makes Shiloh's stomach turn. Peter shakes his head, taking a few steps back. "Go home." Peter states, words perfectly enunciated.

"Come with me." Shiloh says, getting to her feet, ignoring the collapsing pain in your chest.

"Can you hear me? Why don't you understand? I  _hate_  you." Peter's teeth clench together while he tries to keep his bottom lip from quivering.

"You don't mean that." Shiloh says, just above a whisper, not sure who she's trying to convince. Her or Peter.

Peter shoves his hands in pockets, afraid he might push her again. "I fucking hate you." Peter says, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Come with me." Shiloh says, trying not to be phased by his words.

Peter shakes his head and he has to suck in a breath, blood boiling and his bones screaming, cool rain starting to cascade from the sky in irony. "I never want to see you again." Peter says, turning away from her, leaving her alone in the rain.

"Peter!" Shiloh calls after him, walking and trying to keep up with him, afraid of what he's going to do but he can sense and hear her following him.

Peter barely looks over his shoulder before his arm twists around and a ball of webbing shoots just in front of her. It makes three ticks before it explodes, sending Shiloh back a few feet, webbing getting on her and knocking the wind out of her as her back hits the ground. This, Peter using his own web grenades on Shiloh, draws the line in the sand, saying exactly where her and Peter stand. They're not friends. He's not okay. And this is going to be hell. 


	3. fog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place 1 year after the prologue!!

Peter's foot is cold against the bathroom's white tile while he grabs his toothbrush and toothpaste. He wets the brush, leaving the water running while putting toothpaste on the bristles and beginning to brush his teeth. The toothpaste foams with every movement and his locked with the mirror, getting an unfortunate look at himself.

Black and blue bruises stain his pale skin. Some of the bruises have ragged lines of more bruising surrounding them. His collarbones stick out more than they should as a result of losing weight. A few scars decorate random parts of his torso from all the years of putting on the suit and fighting against the good and bad. But, that's not the part that has Peter dodging his own stare.

Blue bags seem to paint underneath his eyes, both eyes looking sunk in. A fresh cut on his lip peaks out through the white toothpaste and his face is almost a ghost white. He looks ill, completely unwell. He looks as though he's been through hell and then some which, he has been. Everything about his appearance reads grim and says everything he doesn't need to. Life sucks and then he dies.

He exits the bathroom, looking to his legs as he walks to the messy kitchen. With every step, his right leg feels like it's being lit on fire. His heart rate starts to speed up with the pain and his face scrunches into a wince, and all he wants to do is sit back down. All he wants is for the pain to stop but it doesn't seem like it will anytime soon.

The pain in his leg has been going on for over a year but it's only gotten worse. It started as an ache but now it's turned into complete burning right where the metal meets the flesh. He tosses and turns all night, the pain waking him up regularly. During the day, he limps, the limp almost turning into a strange one-legged hop by dawn.

Deep down, Peter knows it's not good. He knows it's only going to get worse but he doesn't do hospitals. He doesn't do doctors. He doesn't do any agents that could help him. Peter relies on his own will and if it kills him, that's just a consequence he doesn't seem to mind.

Peter leans on the counter for support as he looks through his near-empty cabinets for something that might be even remotely considered edible. His stomach growls, almost cramping when he sees the empty box of Cheerios. He's kicking himself right about now for not just going to the store the day before but there's nothing he can do about it now. Not when he has other things to do.

But, before Peter can start really getting ready for his day, a knock sounds on his door and it takes everything in him not to start groaning but he knows who it is. It's the only person that visits him now, the only person Peter even really bothers to talk to.  _Ned_.

With a limp, Peter makes his way to the door, sucking in a few deep breaths. He's more than well aware he looks like he's deteriorating into nothing but that doesn't mean he has to act like it around Ned. Around Ned, he tries to put on a face that isn't full of anger, regret, and depression. But, the deep breaths and the walk to the door prove to only annoy Peter when he opens it and is met with the sight of his landlord.

"You're three weeks late and I'm sick of this, Parker!" The older man yells, fist in the air. Peter leans on the door frame for support, expression flat and eyes tired while the man goes on. "You have until the end of the day to get my rent, this month and next, or you're gone!" Peter blinks, holding his blank expression with nothing to say.

Falling behind on rent is something Peter never thought about doing. May raised him better than that. Have an apartment he can afford, hold down a job, have a rainy day fund, and if something happens, speak to the landlord. But, May's dead and Peter can't hold down a job and he has no money. _He doesn't care_. What's he supposed to say to the landlord? He hates the world and he's in constant pain? That's not an excuse. This person is losing money on Peter not paying and that's not right. There's no excuse and Peter's more than aware of that.

"Got it?" The landlord yells, frustrated that Peter hasn't so much as winced or sighed.

"Yeah, got it." Peter mutters, pushing off the door frame and shutting the door in the landlord's face.

Peter leans against the door, all of his weight on his left leg while he closes his eyes, head lightly hitting the old wood. No one ever said it was easy. Any of it. Losing people isn't easy. Living alone isn't easy. Being a hero isn't easy but neither is being a bad guy. Breathing and walking and just staying awake and keeping his head above water isn't easy. Everything is hard and everything hurts, a horrible, stinging and tingling type of hurt that just won't stop. Like, maybe if he got some sleep, some good sleep it would go away but it never happens and his throat aches and his chest feels like it's falling in on itself. Tears swell in the corners of his eyes, just starting to slip down his cheeks.

Peter's hands go to his face, fingers curled into fists as he rubs the tears away, sniffling a few times as he tries to control himself. A shaky breath leaves his lips while he sinks to the floor, allowing the metal leg to have a break, allowing all of him to have a break for a few seconds. A hand runs through his hair that's desperately needing to be washed and Peter sucks in a deep breath, the lump in his throat slowly disappearing.

The door is cool against his back, helping him calm down and steady his breathing, helping the tears dry. He can hear his neighbors putting dishes away while sirens blare from a few blocks over. Peter opts to focus on the clanking of dishes, that sound being a bit more calming than blaring sirens. The sirens he's constantly harassing and running from every night. The sirens he knows he'll be running from again later today. Dishes though, a mundane task he hasn't done in a week and it lets him remember the times May would yell at him for the dirty plates and cups scattered about his room.

And he just  _misses_  her.

But, it's time to get up now. Peter's hands go to the floor beneath him, the cool wood soothing the palms of his hands while he pushes himself up. The metal leg clanks just once when he gets his footing back. Peter looks down to it, shaking his head before taking a deep breath and moving back to his cabinets. The need to not lose housing takes over and he starts rummaging, throwing together a makeshift breakfast before hatching a plan to keep him off the streets. He's not gonna be homeless, even if it's not exactly legal.

* * *

The sun is resting against the bright blue sky, not a cloud in sight. Shiloh paces on the green grass, the ground a perfect mixture of soft and hard beneath her tennis shoes. The group of seventh and eighth-grade cheerleaders yell out the cheer as loud as they can as Shiloh watches closely. Their voices echo across the parking lot yards away from them, mixing with the few other groups of younger cheerleaders and football players practicing in other grassed areas.

"I can't hear you!" Shiloh yells as loud as she cans, a smile pulling at her lips while the cheerleaders yell louder. "Facials!" Shiloh yells over them, gaining a few eye rolls but every single person listens to her without question.

She picked up the sport herself when she was about six and continued it through college. It's the one thing that made her feel a little bit normal in the chaos of having a superhero dad and a CEO mother. Her parents and the people who surrounded her always taught her to get back up and try again but it was the sport itself that really drilled it into her. Having family always tell her not to give up is a little different than needing to get up for a sport, for something she enjoys simply on her own accord. So, Shiloh swore she'd end up coaching, just as a volunteer and do what her coaches did for her. Teach them to get up even when it's hard and just be a way to let out whatever stress those teenagers might have from the school day.

With arms and knees locked, smiles shining towards Shiloh after the cheer has ended, Shiloh cues for the assistant coach, Anna, to start their music. The music starts and the cheerleaders start on the routine Shiloh and the assistant coach put together. It's competition season and Shiloh and Anna don't plan to go easy on them. They don't push them too far but the two know the girls and boys have what it takes to win and they're not going to give up.

"They're doing good." Anna chimes, moving to stand beside Shiloh.

"Yesterday they were sloppy and today it's like they're brand new kids." Shiloh chuckles. "I'm very proud of them for turning around today."

"Tighter!" Shiloh and Anna yell simultaneously.

"If they keep it up..." Anna starts.

"They'll be bringing home first." Shiloh finishes with a wide smile before the two of them go back to focusing on the group in front of them.

The routine continues, mostly everything turning out almost perfect. A few people fell a little sloppy with their arms, some lost their facials halfway through, one stunt was a little behind but overall, it wasn't bad and they all put in their maximum effort.

"Alright," Shiloh starts, hands in fists on her waist, a stance that's almost an instinct now. "Take a break and we'll run through it once more before you guys head out. You're all doing much better than yesterday, just need to clean up some of your noodle arms." A soft laugh falls from Shiloh's lips while the group of teens head for their water bottles.

"Letting them out early?" Anna asks.

"Yeah," Shiloh shrugs a shoulder. "They've done well today and it'll only be ten minutes. Plus," Shiloh scrunches her face. "It's hot and not a single one of them have complained. They deserve to get let out early."

"I'm not complaining there." Anna laughs. "I'm dying."

Before Shiloh could reply, a woman a little younger than her parents is moving in front of her. "You're the coach, right?" She asks.

"Yeah, I am. Shiloh," Shiloh sticks her hand out to greet the woman. "Assistant coach, Anna." Shiloh nods to Anna who follows suit.

"It's nice to meet you both. I was," The woman pauses, eyes glancing over the scars Shiloh can't hide. "Can I speak with you?"

"I'll be over there." Anna immediately excuses herself and allows Shiloh and the woman alone.

"You're Tiff's mom, right?" Shiloh asks.

"Yes." The mom nods sheepishly. "I'm just worried this isn't the safest thing for her." The mother expresses her concern and Shiloh nods with understanding.

"It's not the safest sport." Shiloh answer. "I've had plenty of injuries and I don't think I know anyone who's been on a team that hasn't been injured but most injuries, that I've seen, are minor. I make sure everyone is as safe as they can be, I assure." Shiloh promises, not wanting to worry the mom.

She remembers when she was about ten and her dad was asking her coach the same question. Somehow, Tony Stark, the person who is always putting himself in danger and has seen his kid go through far worse than cheerleading, needed to make sure that she was safe with the sport. Pepper only rolled her eyes and reassures Tony as well that all was fine. Parents worry.

"If you don't mind me asking then," The woman pauses. "Are your scars from cheerleading?"

The question doesn't get any less annoying. She's asked a lot, she was asked more times than she can count while attending school. Most people knew given the news and paparazzi loved to cover anything about heroes but they asked anyway, as if the answer would change or they could get some cool sci-fi story out of it. All it did was make Shiloh uncomfortable.

Trying to cope with any scar can be hard but having to deal with six from being used as bait to lure Peter, that's more than just hard. It's nightmares and therapy and low self-esteem, trying to find ways to cover open wounds. It's a struggle but one Shiloh manages, even today. It would be very appreciated if people simply had some decency though and stopped asking but, nonetheless, Shiloh remains respectful and professional.

"No," Shiloh answers calmly. "Completely unrelated."

The woman nods. "Oh." She says softly as if she were expecting Shiloh to have some extravagant story.

"Your daughter is as safe as she can be, I promise." Shiloh says. "Now, we have to get back to practice but if you have any other questions, your daughter has my number." Shiloh sends the woman a quick smile before turning on her heels and moving over to the group of teens. "Alright, we'll run through one more time and you guys head out."

A rush of relieved sighs fills the air, smiles decorating the teens' faces with the thought of getting to go home early. Everyone takes their positions while Shiloh and Anna move in front of them on opposite sides to get a full view but before they can even start, Shiloh's phone starts blaring an almost deafening, obnoxious alarm. Her head tilts back before she squeezes the bridge of her nose.

"Okay, I gotta go but Anna will send you guys off. I'll see you tomorrow." Shiloh rushes to her things as she tries to say her goodbye to the teens, an unfortunate situation that happens more often than not.

"Are you going to beat up the Spider-Man again?" One of them chimes with a laugh.

"I don't beat up Spider-Man." Shiloh states, not even glancing over to the teen.

"No, he beats you up!" Another one laughs and Shiloh snaps around.

"He doesn't beat me up." She shakes her head, eyes widening before she puts her finger to the necklace and the suit starts to cover her body.

"That's not what was on the news last week." They counter.

Shiloh recalls that news report all too well. Peter had been breaking into cars, taking whatever he could and then destroying them. He paid no regards to the owners of the vehicles or anyone who happened to be in the area and was injured. The alarm went off and Shiloh was on her way to stop him. And it went as it has gone for the past eight months.

Shiloh shows up, ready to try and talk some sense into Peter and then he attacks her. He's gotten into the habit of using the webshooter combinations Shiloh and Tony created. His favorite are the shocker webs. They immediately electrocute anyone that comes into contact with the webbing and he happens to get Shiloh with it a little more often than she would like. This was one of those times but given that it paralyzed her for over fifteen minutes, she's certain he upgraded it and the news was all over it. Talking about how Shiloh can't control a petty villain like Spider-Man, someone else should step in, why hasn't he just been captured and put in jail? Make the city a better place. It wasn't pretty.

Shiloh pauses but shrugs. "Fair enough.

With that, the nanotech armor covers her face and Shiloh's blasters fly her into the air with ease. All sorts of stats pop up in front of her vision in a shade of mixed royal blue and cyan but off to the right in a fire engine red is Peter's location. He's moving but his movements are slower than usual.

Normally, Peter is swinging between buildings with ease but quick, to the point he's almost just a blur of blue and red but as Shiloh looks at the dot, it's getting increasingly slower. It started nearly two months ago and Shiloh only hopes that maybe it's some type of guilt taking over him. Maybe he's slowing down in hopes he'll actually get caught and be forced to get help and stop whatever crimes he planned on doing next. But, then every time Shiloh shows up, he just attacks her and throws that idea out the window which just leaves her a bit worried. She figured he could be injured but he heals so that's not right. Which means, maybe this is just another game he's playing with her.

It doesn't even take five minutes for Shiloh to spot Peter jumping from rooftop to rooftop carrying a large duffle bag, alarms blaring from the bank down the street. All she can do is roll her eyes before she flies down to him, completely cutting him off.

Shiloh lands on the rooftop, a few pebbles crunching beneath the feet of the suit and Peter nearly collides into her, only for him to just dodge her and her to grab ahold of the bag. She yanks him backwards, throwing him off his feet but he maneuvers his body to flip over the two of them, yanking the bag to him, Shiloh not letting her grip loose, making them go chest to chest.

Shiloh's helmet dissolves, revealing her flat expression. "Best you can do, Parker?"

The eyes of the mask narrow before Peter jerks the bag, Shiloh not letting go and currently being happy with the new upgrade, a system to help the armor lock into a fist. A frustrated groan leaves Peter's throat before he pulls again and the two of them yank and tug every which way to get the other to let go. It's a battle Shiloh knows she'll lose. Peter has superhuman strength, agility, and endurance but she puts in all of her effort even when Peter flips her onto the ground, almost knocking the wind out of her.

"I'll kill you." Peter says, leaning over her, the bag being the only thing that separates them.

"If you were gonna kill me, you'd have done it already." Shiloh scowls before swiftly swinging her leg around Peter's hips, flipping them over. "Give it up. Aren't you tired of this yet? You're moving up to robbing banks, hurting people, you actually gonna start murdering now?"

Peter remains silent, allowing his blood to boil through his veins and there's a part of him that gets off on the chase with Shiloh. No one else can even touch him. Cops have tried, sure, but they never even come close but Shiloh flies in and suddenly, he has something to actually work for. It's a bit of thrill to be able to fight with someone he blames for the deaths of the people he cared about most. But, as with every other time the two fight, Peter gets bored quick.

He stops fighting her just long enough to point the webshooter at her, a warning that he'll shoot but Shiloh just lets the helmet cover her face again. "Gonna electrocute me again?" Shiloh mocks, not moving her stance, hoping if he were to try this close to her, it would also affect him and maybe that'll knock some form of sense into him.

"No." Peter answers flatly before a ball of webbing attaches to Shiloh and Shiloh's eyes widen, getting off of Peter.

She tries to get it off but within a few seconds, it explodes. Shiloh is tossed to the opposite end of the building from the impact, her helmet smacking the gravel and concrete hard enough to give her yet another concussion. Peter doesn't stay to see the damage he knows he's inflicted, instead, he's off, hopping from one rooftop to another, leaving Shiloh hurt from his own doing. He has rent to pay after all.

Her chest is tight, too tight to breathe while she gasps for air while laid out on her back, almost too in shock to move. The impact is causing her head to feel like it's vibrating with an ache strong enough to turn her stomach and warm liquid seeps down the left side of her face.

"Boss," Marty sounds while Shiloh coughs, air still not coming to her lungs and tears sting her eyes. "You need to calm down and breathe."

"Try..ing." Shiloh gasps, eyes wide while her hand comes over her chest, just over her heart and she tries to slow her gasps, moving to her hands and knees before kneeling on the gravel, it crunching beneath her.

Her head spins making her nearly fall, only catching herself with her hand. Nausea flows through her stomach, the gasping and struggling for air only making it worse. Her limbs start to shake and go a bit weak with every cough and gasp. Her heart is racing, making the spinning and nausea amplify to eleven.

"You need to breathe, miss." Marty says.

Just following Marty's words, Shiloh gets a good gasp in, her lungs finally filling with air. Each breath is shaky and staggered but it's a breath, not a gasp. The spinning continues and the weakness of her limbs doesn't die off but it eases. Her heart rate starts to slow down just enough and her vision focuses, the helmet dissolving.

"Ow." She groans. "Damage?" Shiloh asks, touch the gash near her forehead, seeing the bright red liquid coat her fingers.

"It seems you have sustained a concussion and a laceration to the left side of your head."

Shiloh moves to sit cross-legged, taking a minute to try and steady her head. "That it?"

"Yes, boss."

"Awesome." She mutters, eyes closing but only for a second before Marty starts again.

"Ned is calling. Shall I put him through?" The AI asks.

"Fine, put him through." Shiloh orders, figuring it's better to just answer Ned now rather than listen to him later.

"He robbed a damn bank?" Ned yells, his eyes plastered on the TV, playing footage of Spider-Man running off with a duffle bag.

"Appears so, yes." Shiloh says, putting the palm of her hand to the gash on her head to try and stop the bleeding.

"And he--" Ned pauses, muttering being heard on his end of the line before he continues. "It's all over the news. They're showing you now. Are you okay?" Ned watches the TV, seeing Shiloh look up to the helicopter, hand still pressed to her forehead.

Shiloh flips off the helicopter. "Just peachy, he used a fucking web grenade on me and I can't even see straight."

"Please," Ned starts. "Turn him in."He pleads, voice almost broken.

"Over my dead body." Shiloh answers without hesitation.

There's no question on what's morally right and morally wrong here. There's no question on what the law is but that doesn't matter. It's  _Peter_  and under no circumstance will Shiloh ever turn him in. It doesn't matter what he's doing. She has a weird faith that one day he'll snap out of it and when he does, he'll need people there to catch him. She won't give up even if turning him in could be the best thing for him.

_She made a promise._

"He's hurting people. I don't want him locked up either but--"

"I'm not doing this. I'm hurt, on a fucking rooftop. I need to get home and get to the tower. Anything else?" Shiloh snaps, unsteadily getting to her feet.

Ned sighs on the other end. "He looks bad, alright? Really sick. If you turn him--"

"If I turn him in, he'll be lost in the prison system with a bunch of people who want him dead. And if he's sick, he sure as hell doesn't act like it."

Ned stays silent and there's something lingering between the phone lines. Shiloh can feel there's something Ned isn't saying and it's something he clearly doesn't want to say. Ned rats Peter out to Shiloh at any chance he can because all he wants his friend back, he wants his friend to be  _safe_. But, this time, Ned is silent. It's like he knows telling Shiloh won't actually help and it'll only cause more trouble but he's worried.

"I see him almost everyday." Ned says. "Something's wrong."

"What do you want me to do?" Shiloh asks, carefully walking to the edge of the building.

"I don't know." Ned admits.

"I'm sorry. I'm doing what I can." She can't help if Peter attacks her at every opportunity.

"Yeah," Ned says. He knows that Shiloh can't help, not when Peter hates her but it was worth a shot.

"I'm going home. Text me if you see Peter tonight." Shiloh sighs, her hand that's not covered in blood scratches her head. If Ned's worried, Shiloh gets worried. Ned wouldn't worry if there wasn't something  _to_  worry about.

"You sure you're okay?" Ned asks, needing to confirm that at least one of his friends is alright.

"Always." Shiloh confirms before ending the call. She doesn't have time to stand around an argue. She needs to get home, clean herself up and go to the tower. She'll have some explaining to do but maybe she has an idea to stop Peter.


	4. the edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's kind of Endgame spoiler so if you haven't seen it, just be careful!!

The throbbing of Shiloh's head is almost unbearable, turning her stomach with every step she takes to her shared apartment. There's a burning that slowly starts to flow through her body like a leaky dam. Dry blood covers her hands and the entire side of her face from the cut she sustained from the web grenade. She can feel the fatigue in her limbs consuming her, begging her to take a seat and just regain some form of strength but she persists. She keeps moving despite the begging and pleading of her body.

The apartment door feels like it weighs a few tons when Shiloh pushes it open but the weight in her chest lightens as she closes it. She's home, safe. It's safe here and she can sit for just a few minutes before leaving again. Her apartment is a safe haven and she's forever grateful for it and she wishes she could stay the night, stay longer and more often. But, she can't.

"Stupid...fucking...web grenades." Shiloh mutters to herself, pressing her hand back to the gash on her head, immediately flinching from the intense ache that crashes through her skull. "Fucking Peter." Her stare is on the floor, watching her feet try to get her to the bathroom before they give out.

"We were supposed to have dinner." Cindy's voice hits Shiloh's ears and there's a flood of emotions that come over Shiloh, more than she wants to deal with.

Shiloh looks up from her feet, stopping on her way to the bathroom, seeing Cindy with her arms crossed standing in the living room. "I got held up." Shiloh mutters.

"I can see that." Cindy responds, her voice cold and unconcerned until she really looks at her girlfriend. Shiloh looks sick. Her cheeks look hollowed, bags under eyes, blood everywhere. Shiloh looks completely defeated and it's crushing Cindy to watch. "C'mon," She says, changing her tone to something between concerned and flat. "I'll clean you up."

Shiloh nods, not bothering to argue as the two head to the bathroom, Shiloh taking a seat on the toilet seat while Cindy goes through their cabinets for medical supplies. While Cindy gets things together, Shiloh fills with guilt. She bails all the time on her and as someone who grew up with a superhero dad and a superhero best friend, getting ditch all the time sucks. But, is missing dinners and birthdays not worth saving lives?

Shiloh has the ability to save people, to save Peter or at least try, so why wouldn't she make the effort? It's costing her a lot, sure, but it's better than her getting the call that Peter's laid out somewhere. It's not fair to Cindy but she knew where Shiloh's morals lay before they ever got together. That's how Shiloh convinces herself that this isn't completely wrong. That it's okay to ditch and bail and come home at all hours and constantly shrug her off. Deep down she knows it's not an excuse but Shiloh's stubborn, she's stuck in her own head.

"Ow." Shiloh hisses as Cindy presses an antiseptic drenched piece of gauze to the gash on her forehead, Shiloh flinching away in response. She looks up to Cindy who's got a brow quirked, waiting for Shiloh to move back to position. "Sorry." Shiloh mutters, moving back into better reach for Cindy.

Cindy sighs and really starts cleaning the wound, something she hasn't personally done before but has seen Shiloh do it a thousand times. "Are we gonna talk about you missing dinner again?"

"Do you really want to talk about it?" Shiloh asks, looking up to Cindy and the girls lock eyes, both holding the same hard stare.

"He's going to kill you." Cindy says, her eyes back on the wound.

"He won't kill me." Shiloh scoffs. "Peter doesn't kill people."

"He did before." Cindy counters, striking a nerve.

"Accident. I told you that in  _confidence_." Shiloh grits her teeth, feeling her body continue to heat up, this time her cheeks burning red.

"I'm just saying, Shi, he's killed before and you could be next. Maybe an accident, maybe--"

Shiloh pushes her hand away, glaring up at her girlfriend. "You're shitting me? I tell you something in confidence and you're going to use it against me? Give me that. You're working too slow." Shiloh snatches the gauze and gets to her feet, legs burning and aching as she steps to the mirror.

"I'm sorry I worry!" Cindy yells, looking at Shiloh through the mirror.

Shiloh stares at her, not sure how to respond. "Okay?"

"You look terrible." Cindy's voice comes back down, showing on her concern.

"Gee, thanks." Shiloh rolls her eyes, cleaning the wound much quicker than Cindy.

"I'm serious. You look really sick." Cindy says, moving to the side of Shiloh and pressing the palm of her hand to Shiloh's cheek, moving Shiloh's face to look at her. "You're burning up. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

"I'm fine." Shiloh jerks her face away, finishing the cleaning of the wound and putting a large, gauze bandage over it.

"When was the last time you slept?" Cindy asks.

"I sleep." Shiloh mumbles, cleaning up the bloodied gauze.

"When?" Cindy demands. "You get into bed late, you wake me up every single night jerking around, and then you get up. And that's even if you sleep here at all."

Shiloh stares at her before looking to the floor and it's just hard to sleep. The nightmares stopped but lately, they're coming back with a vengeance and if it's not the nightmares it's the burning through her veins. Or it's the worry of Peter or the stress of her doomed relationship she knows she shouldn't be in. It's the fear of letting everyone down. Everything keeps her awake.

"You haven't slept more than two hours in months." Cindy says, her voice completely soaked in concern.

"I'm.  _Fine_." Shiloh's eyes widen between words.

"You're gonna kill yourself, Shiloh." Cindy says while Shiloh makes her way out of the bathroom, trying to focus on her next move and not the intense pain that's streaming through her veins and her bones and chest, the throbbing in her head becoming completely ignored. "And I'm not gonna stay and watch it."

Shiloh's shoulders fall and it's fair and if Shiloh wanted to talk, if she wanted to argue, she'd end it. There's something about Cindy that pulls her in but deep down, Shiloh knows this won't last. Something's missing and it's more than just Shiloh. But, she doesn't want to talk or argue. She has things to do and places to be, Cindy and their apartment just aren't on that list right now.

"Then don't. I gotta go." Shiloh says, looking over her shoulder with drooping eyes.

"You just got home!" Cindy yells, anger and heartbreak in her words.

"I know!" Shiloh yells back. "Do you think I like this? Do you honestly think I like feeling like this? Like I'm--" Shiloh stops herself, biting her tongue from revealing too much. "I have to go."

"Where?" Cindy stays on Shiloh's heals the entire way to the door.

"Peter's."

Cindy's face scrunches in betrayal. "And what? Get yourself killed? Beaten to a bloody pulp? You just fought--"

"Cindy!" Shiloh snaps, turning around to face her quickly. "I have to do this. You said you don't want to watch me kill myself over this, so fucking don't. I'm not gonna beg you to stay and watch but I'm not letting my fucking friend kill himself or get himself killed. You don't get it and I never expect you to but for fuck's sake, give me a fucking break!"

"He's an addict, Shiloh!" Cindy screams at the top of her lungs. "He's not your damn friend!"

Shiloh feels her fists burn, her skin feeling like it's going to set a fire to the entire apartment. Her jaw clenches and Cindy could have sworn she saw the flicker of fire in Shiloh's eyes with her words. It's a look Cindy's never gotten before and it's a look Shiloh just can't help.

"Peter is an addict." Shiloh's chest is visibly moving up and down with every breath, trying to calm herself down. "Again, something I told you in  _confidence_. For all I know though,  he might be clean. And he didn't give up on me when I went through shit. My mom didn't give up my dad through his alcoholism, Rhodey didn't give up on him. Ned isn't giving up Peter and I sure as fucking shit won't either. I'm leaving and I'll be at the tower tonight, which for the record," Shiloh holds a finger before Cindy can even protest. "I need to stay at the tower anyway. My plan was clean up here, hit Peter's, and sleep at the tower. You're just making it easy. Now, if you want to fight, fine we'll do it more later but if I don't leave now..." Shiloh trails off, knowing she can't finish her thought. "Bye."

Shiloh turns back to the door, opening it quickly while Cindy tells her to stop but Shiloh doesn't bother. She walks out the door and slams it shut, ignoring the burning and aching of her limbs while she makes her way down the hallway towards the exit. Of course, it hurts to leave Cindy like that but Shiloh knows they're on borrowed time anyway. It's not right, none of it's right. It doesn't even feel right but Shiloh just can't bring herself to admit it to herself. It's not like it was and maybe it has something to do with Peter or maybe it's just because they've fallen out of what they have. Maybe it's both. Regardless, it's just not there anymore and Shiloh needs to end but she doesn't how or when.

The sun has gone down, the sky only being illuminated by the New York lights as Shiloh exits her building. The air has a slight chill to it and it's just enough to bring a sense of calmness through Shiloh's veins. They still burn and ache and Shiloh's still itching in her own skin, wanting to escape it all, but the chill is still nice. It just almost feels good and helps her get a slightly clearer heard.

She touches the necklace and lets the suit coat her body, her mind still made up about going to Peter's. It's the only thing she can think of to try and at least slow him down. Going to his apartment can make it a little easier and maybe she might get more than two hours of sleep. Just maybe.

Shiloh gets to Peter's within a few minutes and opts for the fire escape. Last she saw him, he was running off with a bag of money and the sun has gone down. If Shiloh has picked up any of his pattern, Peter should have already been home and should be back out by now, looking for something else to destroy. Well, that's her hope anyway because if Peter's home and he catches her breaking into his apartment, she's fucked.

So, she sucks in a breath with Marty in her ear, scanning the apartment for any form of heat that might indicate Peter's home. But, Marty gives her the all the clear and Shiloh works on opening the window into the living room. It slides open with ease, telling Shiloh Peter probably uses the fire escape more often than he uses the door which comes as no surprise.

Shiloh slowly and quietly enters the apartment and is met with a disaster. Clothes and dishes are everywhere. Take out boxes scatter the coffee table in front of the couch. She can see right into the kitchen from where she's standing, able to see the garbage overflowing and dishes piled in the sink probably growing mold. It doesn't look like he's bothered to clean up anything in months and to most people, that would tell them that someone doesn't care but that's not what Shiloh's thinking.

Peter doesn't care to an extent but not in the way most wouldn't. Peter always cares about what his place looks like. Sure, he's had a messy bedroom plenty of times, clothes and Gatorade bottles, misplaced homework even but that's it. It might take ten minutes to clean but this is outrageous and concerning. Peter would never live in a place this dirty. What looks to be an apartment that's lived in my a messy slob who doesn't care is actually an apartment lived in by someone who's rarely there. He's there long enough to eat, sleep (if he does at all), and shower. That's it. Which, begs the question, if Peter is rarely home, where is he the entire day when he's not being a menace to society?

"Gross." Shiloh mutters to herself as she starts making her way to his bedroom.

"Boss," Marty starts as Shiloh reaches Peter's bedroom, clothes over the floor, unmade bed, and empty cups on his nightstand. "Are you sure this is the best option?"

"Well," Shiloh goes to Peter's closet, knowing Peter probably isn't hiding his suit better here than he was at his aunt's. "It's not since breaking and entering is illegal and this makes me a hypocrite but if I can find a suit," Shiloh says, her voice trailing off as she shuffles through hung button-ups, sweaters, and t-shirts. "It'll save me time."

"And what is it you want to do?" Marty inquires.

"Shut it all down." Shiloh says, finding the red and blue suit she's known for years. "Gotcha." Shiloh grabs it off the hanger and folds it before exiting the room.

"Miss--"

"Marty, I know. I don't need--"

"What the fuck?" Shiloh's cut off by the sound of Peter's voice.

Shiloh looks up towards the window she came through and Peter's standing there, red and black suit covering his body with the mask covering his face. The eyes of the mask are narrowed and this is not the ideal situation Shiloh wanted and now she has to try and talk her way out of it.

"Look, I need the suit." Shiloh tries to reason, mostly just buying herself time to figure out another escape route.

Her body is still on fire and it's only getting worse. She was supposed to be at the tower over an hour ago. Her heart rate is still elevated much more than it should be and she's still weak from fighting with Peter earlier. She can't run towards him because he'll overpower her. She can't run to the door because he can shoot a web and catch her. The only option she has is his bedroom which has a window and she can fly out of it but can she do it quickly enough? Quicker than Peter?

"It's mine!" Peter yells and he lunges for her.

_Not quick enough. Too weak._

Peter's body slams into hers, almost knocking the wind out of her but she's not going to give up that easily. Shiloh punches him gaining a grunt from him and she twirls them around, trying to shake him loose. He tugs at her, refraining from punching her, and the two fall to the ground, both smacking the coffee table and yelling out in pain.

"Peter!" Shiloh screams, punching his face again. "Take it!"

"You're not supposed to be here!" Peter yells back and if Shiloh didn't know any better, she would have sworn he sounded frantic. Maybe a little panicked.

Shiloh swings her leg from under him and around his neck, twisting the two around so she's got the upper hand. But, the upper hand doesn't last long as she just tries to make a break for it. 

She can't out fight Peter, especially like this. So, she runs for the window, the closest option. But, Peter's got her, lunging after her again. The two trip over the window sill, Shiloh hitting the railing of the fire escape while Peter's full force hits her back.

Shiloh screams out in pain and Peter just turns her around only to get punched once more and then again from Shiloh's opposite fist.

"You can't be here!" Peter's hands go to her neck and he's got her leaned over the edge of the railing and all he sees is panicked red.

And all Shiloh can do is panic. Her heart is thundering in her ears and Peter's choking her, cutting off oxygen. She struggles against him and Peter needs to let go. Shiloh swears he will but she questions it anyway. She can still breathe while it might be difficult and she knows he's likely only doing this to scare her, get her to go home and back away but she's scared he won't let go. What if doesn't let go?

"Peter," KAREN is in Peter's ear through his mask. "You will kill her if you don't let go." Tears sting Peter's eyes, trickling down his face as he looks down to Shiloh.

"P-peter." Shiloh gasps, her helmet dissolving and Peter's heart shatters and it's like he can't control it.

His grip loosens but he doesn't let go and he hates himself for this. At least when he uses a web on her, it's different. He's not up close and personal with her. You usually has her helmet covering her face. It's normally just someone in armor. He can ignore who's under the helmet when they fight like that but he can't do it now.

"Shiloh, you must shoot him if you want to live." Marty warns Shiloh and more panic strikes through her.

"I can't." She says and this time it's clear, Peter's grasp loosening again.

She looks horrible, maybe even worse than Peter. It's only been a few hours since he last saw her and she looks like she's dying, deteriorating into nothing and it scares him. The gauze she placed on the gash is already turning a shade of red from the bleeding, from the injury  _Peter_  caused. Her skin is pale and there are bags starting to form under her eyes. He doesn't give a shit about himself but Shiloh? He acts like he doesn't care and he was able to convince himself he didn't but seeing her look as pale and ill as him, that's what gets him.

"There's something wrong." KAREN is the one in Peter's ear.

Shiloh's arm lifts, shaky with every movement, feeling like it's being weighed down by a thousand cinderblocks. And she pauses. She pauses as she aims at him, her vision completely clouded by tears. And then her arm falls limp against her side.

"I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't." Shiloh cries over and over, her head shaking as best to her ability, swearing she'll never shoot Peter, not like this where she can't see straight or think straight. "I can't." A broken sob leaves her lips and Peter's biting his own lip to prevent himself from breaking, his grip barely even around her neck.

Peter lets go and he backs away, Shiloh falling to her knees as tears flow slowly down her cheeks. "I-I..." Peter stutters as he stares at her. "W-what...I-." Peter stutters, his voice broken. His back hits the window sill as he continued to move away from her, afraid of himself. Fighting her is so much different and it shouldn't have gotten this far but her being here, in his space, it scares him. He lost control.

"You should help her, Peter." KAREN says. "There's something wrong."

**_Wrong._ **

She's sitting on the fire escape with tears streaming down her face and her hands are shaking, of course something's wrong. Peter attacked her, scared the hell out of her. She raised her hand to shoot him and couldn't do it. Peter's mind just races but he knows that's not at all what KAREN means.

She's picking up on something Peter isn't. And if it were even a year ago, despite the blame he placed on Shiloh for everything, he would help her. He would put it away and help her, ask what KAREN knows. Peter would start listening to his heightened senses and his spider sense, trying to figure it out for himself. Hell, maybe if it wouldn't have gotten this bad, he wouldn't have to rely on that. But, now he's fighting her every day and it's gotten so out of hand with the two of them and he wants to help but then a switch flips again.

_May._

He remembers her falling and he remembers Shiloh not being able to catch her. Peter not being able to catch her. Everyone just being too late and too distracted and that brings back memories of seeing MJ in her own puddle of blood and everything bad that involves Shiloh floods Peter's mind and he can't move.

"Miss, you need to listen." Marty says. "You're too weak."

Shiloh's cries soften as she looks to Peter, his mask still covering his face and it breaks her heart and pisses her off that he gets to look at her with wet cheeks and red eyes, broken, while all she has to look at is the red mask with wide eyes.

Peter's heart aches as he looks at her. If she stays, it'll escalate again. Peter can't have that. If she wants to be a hero and stop him from robbing banks or breaking into cars or whatever crime he might be up to, fine but this is crossing that line Peter didn't even know he set.

" _Please_ , go home." Peter says, every piece of venom and fury he normally holds against Shiloh is gone, replaced with a panicked plea.

Shiloh looks to him and sniffles, the crying having her almost completely spent. She was already weak when she got there but now full fatigue was setting in and she could feel it in more than just her muscles. Her head started to grow lightheaded and her arm shook as she reached for the railing of the fire escape. It was a struggle to even pull herself up and when she managed to, she needed to rely on the railing to stabilize her, her legs too weak and shaky to hold her steady.

"Help her." KAREN says to Peter. "She's in danger."

Peter shakes his head and his fingers slip through the grates beneath him, gripping through the bars and holding them as tight as he can as if he's afraid he'll move and help. He's hung up that part of himself. He's not a hero anymore. He doesn't help anyone besides himself and he can't go back to helping, even if it's just to make sure Shiloh can stand. Old habits die hard and he's not about to bring them back from the dead. Maybe some things are better off dead.

"Tell my dad I'm on my way and he has to be there when I get there." Shiloh asks, her helmet coming back around her head.

"Yes, miss." MARTY replies, sending the message to the tower and right to Tony through FRIDAY.

Shiloh looks back to Peter and she wishes more than anything she could see the look on his face. He's not glaring, the eyes of the mask would adjust for that but is he staring at her with resentment? A blank stare still holding heated hatred and blame? Maybe he's not actually looking at her but looking past her, deep his own thoughts about what he'll be doing when she leaves. Or, maybe, he's looking scared and panicked, the same boyish look Shiloh grew to know in their friendship over the years whenever something bad happened. That would explain the panic in his voice and the plea but, he's not helping so Shiloh's forced to think the worst of him before she moves to one end of the fire escape and starts flying, albeit not well, but flying far away from Peter nonetheless.

"KAREN?" Peter chokes out, shaking his head again as his fingers loosen their grip. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure." The AI responds. "She has a fever of 120 degrees and her heart rate is 190 beats per minute."

It's like time stops with KAREN's words. Anyone should be dead with a fever of the degree and should be dead with a heart rate that high. Shiloh's human, she should be dead or in a hospital, not fighting with Peter on his fire escape.

Peter's brows furrow together and he finally finds it in himself to stand, making his way back into his apartment. "S-she should be dead, or the very least in a hospital."

Peter takes the mask off, leaving in the earpiece he was given a few years prior so he can always be connected to the team and KAREN if needed. His eyes dart back and forth as he tries to piece together everything that just happened. One second, he was content having paid off his rent for the next few months, knowing his landlord won't bother even putting two and two together with the robbery. He'd just ditched the money somewhere safe so he can buy himself food later and he was fine but then he saw Shiloh holding one of the suits in his apartment and everything turned red.

It was like it was all vibrating red. Pulsating and he couldn't even see straight. His blood rushed with pent up anger and resentment towards her and himself and he just couldn't help but lunge for her. It was quick and there's even parts of Peter that were screaming against his will to stop but like when he'd lost his leg, that horrible and paralyzing skeleton hand covered it all up, allowing Peter to only hear the red voice to get her out by any means necessary. That she is the reason MJ is dead, she's the reason May is dead, it's her fault she's scarred, it's her fault Peter lost his leg, and it's her fault Ned has the scar around his neck. And now as he remembers everything, his world starts becoming too much again.

His breathing becomes shallow and his head aches and his bones shake. He can hear things from blocks away, dogs barking and children laughing, people screaming at one thing or anything. The room is suddenly too hot and sweat trickles across his body and he needs to calm down.

"Breathe, Peter." KAREN says.

Peter sucks in a breath and he moves to his bathroom, shutting the door, all while keeping his breath held until he starts to sink the ground. The cold tile underneath sends a string of calmness through him and he sucks in another breath, filling his lungs with air. His mind fades to better days and when things weren't so hard, before everything. And he remembers Ben and May on his birthday.

They'd gotten him a cake, red and gold for Iron Man. It was a little while after May and Ben had taken Peter to the Stark expo when he was about eight. He got see Iron Man in the flesh, before he actually got to know the Tony Stark, and Iron Man saved him that first time that day. Peter didn't stop talking about it for ages so May and Ben had to get him an Iron Man cake and it was perfect and it was Peter's favorite flavor. Yellow with whipped cream frosting, buttercream always being a little too sweet for him. And he remembers his aunt and uncle getting him a watch, red and gold for Iron Man. Peter never took it off, in fact, if he looked hard enough, he could still probably find it somewhere.

It was a good birthday, just the three of them. And it ended with the three of them watching Star Trek rather than Star Wars. Peter didn't really last long into the movie marathon but it counts and it's a good memory, one of the few he still holds onto and one of the few that can calm him down in times of panic and pain. Maybe it's just because he misses his family so the memories seem to hold more significance now more than ever.

"Did I do something to her?" Peter asks KAREN once he feels stable enough to do so. "T-that, uh, I dunno."

Peter knows there couldn't have been something he did that would cause a deadly fever but her heart rate? The only thing he keeps thinking is that he scared her that bad. He scared so much that it put her heart rate too high. But, there's also that part of Peter that knows her.

Shiloh is ultimately pretty fearless. They fought Thanos together. She almost watched her dad sacrifice himself for everyone and then was willing to do the same with him. To save him. She has been up against plenty of villains before, all far more difficult and scarier than Peter. So either she's just weird and has something she not might even be aware of that's making her heart beat that fast and without killing her or sending her into cardiac arrest or there's something seriously wrong.

"I couldn't pick up on anything." KAREN responds.

Peter rests his head against the door and despite everything, he doesn't want her dead. Despite everything, the curiosity and even worry are eating at him. She has to be sick and it's bad. He didn't even hurt her but the way she couldn't get to her feet, the way she told Marty to call her dad, she's sick. But, for all Peter knows, it's the flu and it's nothing that concerns him. They aren't friends and Peter has made that all too clear so Shiloh's well-being really isn't his business. Instead, the thing that gets him off of his feet and calling Ned, is his own actions.

The moments replay in his mind like a scratched DVD and Shiloh's cries of her saying she can't echo through his mind. He could have killed her. He could have really hurt her and he needs to talk to someone about it. Ned has to be that person, even if Betty won't appreciate Peter stopping by. Ned's the only person Peter can talk to.


	5. survivor's guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains Endgame spoilers!

Peter's fist hits Ned's apartment door repeatedly, quick and hard. He's lost in his head, trying to form all of his thoughts so he can tell Ned exactly what he needs to, get Ned's opinion, and then leave. He knows Betty isn't thrilled with him and he doesn't want to intrude. If there's one person Peter still cares enough about to respect, it's Ned and with that also comes Betty. So, he knocks constantly trying to gather himself together until the door opens, Peter's fist knocking the air for a few seconds after the door is open.

"Peter?" Betty asks, her brows knitting together at the sight of him. His eyes red and watered, hair a mess but more like he's just been running his hand through it rather than just not washed it.

"Uh..." Peter stares at her, swallowing thickly. "Ned here? I-I need to talk to him." Peter's head shakes and he sniffles.

Betty watches him carefully, her heart pulling to the pit of her stomach while she opens the door for him to come in. "Yeah, he's in the living room." Betty jerks her head towards the living room and Peter nods as a quiet thank you before heading to the room Peter's only been in a handful of times, favoring his left leg.

"Ned." Peter's voice is just over a broken whisper, gaining Ned's attention from his laptop screen.

Ned glances to him, his eyes right back on the computer screen and then he pauses. Peter doesn't drop by unannounced, not since right before May died. And it was only a glance but it was enough for Ned to pause because his friend doesn't look alright. And when Ned looks back to Peter, really looks back to him, he knows something happened, something different and bad.

"You okay, dude?" Ned asks, readjusting himself to give Peter his undivided attention.

"Um," Peter looks to the ground before checking over his shoulder to see Betty in their kitchen, getting two glasses of water. He shakes his head and he can't quite form words to express what he's really thinking.

He needs to tell Ned that he could have killed Shiloh and he needs to tell him that's not who he is. He's not a hero anymore, he's not the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man he's supposed to be but he doesn't kill people. Not like that. Norman was an accident. It was a random loss of control after seeing what Norman had done to his girlfriend, to his first love. Shiloh wasn't that. And every single day that's gone by since he's killed Norman, he's regretted it. But he could have killed someone he used to consider his friend. He almost killed someone he used to protect against everything and anything.

"I'll be in the office." Betty says, handing the glasses to Peter and Ned before Ned kisses her cheek.

Peter watches her go down the hallway and the second she closes the door, he feels like he can exhale. "I....Shiloh broke into my apartment." Peter confesses, his brows pulling together while he watches the water in his glass.

Ned's head shakes, visibly taken aback. "She did? Why?"

Peter shakes his head and moves to take a seat in the recliner sitting perpendicular to the couch. "I dunno." Peter says. "I came home and she was there...holding one of the suits." Peter dodges Ned's eyes and Ned can feel himself getting frustrated and annoyed.

"What'd you do, Peter?" Ned's voice is cold with worry but not for Peter. For  _Shiloh_.

Ned will never tell his friends but he's been worried about this for a long time. Peter snapped once, he can snap again as much as Ned hates to think it. And Shiloh is Peter's person that he just blames everything on even though none of it is her fault. And Shiloh lets him.

The two of them are hurting each other more than anything and they're too caught up in themselves to even realize it. Ned can see it though and he's known for the past year that it was only a matter of time before something happened, something neither of them could take back. And now Ned's afraid that's exactly what's happened. Why else would Peter be here with puffy red and watery eyes bringing Shiloh up?

Peter's eyes stay on the glass, watching the water ripple from the slight tremble of his hands. "We fought."

" _What did you do_?" Ned asks again, this time sterner.

Peter shakes his head looking to Ned. "I don't know!" Peter yells. "I-I...I choked her." Peter says, his voice completely deflated.

Ned looks at Peter with so much disappointment it's enough to break Peter all over again but that quickly washes away as touches of panic come over Ned. "Peter," Ned starts. "How bad did you hurt her?"

"KAREN said I didn't!" Peter immediately starts yelling, tears burning the back of his eyes and Ned's eyes widen at the sight of his friend with watery eyes. "KAREN said I didn't do anything but she couldn't stand up and she was gonna shoot me and didn't. She was crying and said she couldn't do. I don't know what happened and I don't know why I did it and KAREN said she had a 120-degree fever and her heart rate was 190 beats per minute and she should be dead but I swear I didn't do anything." Peter's voice cracks and a few tears slip past him, landing on his cheeks before he can wipe them away. "I mean," Peter sighs. "Nothing that could do  **that**." Peter specifies, feeling like Ned was about to call him on choking on her.

Choking someone does, in fact, hurt them, especially when it's Peter. Especially when it's Shiloh trying not to shoot him despite the fact that she should have. And Peter knows it, too. He knows his strength, maybe not in that moment but he's had the time to think about it and he knows that the next time he sees her, he'll not only be met with the scars on her face he blames himself for but also a bruise in the shape of two hands around her neck. Bruises from him.

Ned always knows what to say, it's part of why Peter can still talk to him but in this moment, he doesn't know what to say. One of his friends almost killed the other and the other should be dead. But, Peter's crying over it and maybe that's a weird sign of hope that Peter is finally seeing some form of light at the end of his dark and twisty tunnel. Maybe Shiloh threw him a life preserver during that fight. Ned doesn't know but he can hope. He can always hope.

"Okay," Ned nods and he keeps his voice steady. "I have to ask you first, are you high?" Ned asks the hard question before he starts anything else, knowing if Peter's high it won't do any good.

Peter shakes his head. "No." He sniffles and it's a different reaction than Ned is used to and maybe he should be relieved he didn't get the usual scoff and roll of the eyes he usually does but it just worries him. Peter isn't who he used to be and he isn't who is now.

"What exactly did KAREN say?" Ned asks, sucking in a breath, scratching the top of his head.

"Just that." Peter says. "She doesn't know what's wrong but she said it wasn't anything I did."

Ned nods. "Ok--"

"It's just the flu, right?" Peter cuts him off.

Peter knows it's not the flu. Logically, he knows it's not the flu or if it is, she wouldn't have been able to fight him twice in one day but she did. Peter knows it's something bigger than the flu but he needs some form of confirmation. He needs to know this isn't his fault and he can go on with what he was doing. It's selfish but it's true.

Ned narrows his eyes a little in confusion. "I don't think so but Pete, why do you care? I care because we're friends but you fight her every day. You've almost killed her more times than any of us can count." Ned's eyes go sad as he gives Peter the hard truth.

Peter shakes his head. "I-I...I-uh..." Peter trails off and Ned has a point.

What's different this time? Why does he care now? Why didn't he care when he started electrocuting her?

"She cried." Peter finds it in himself to say, his chin wrinkling while his brows furrow. "You...you weren't there." Peter's eyes go to the side, remembering every detail of Shiloh's face crying and saying she couldn't shoot him. "I dunno."

"I'll call her, okay?" Ned asks. "I'll ask her what happened. She'll tell me."

Peter nods in agreement. "I didn't ask you to."

Ned rolls his eyes. "I know." He gets up from his seat and gestures towards the kitchen. "I'm offering. I'm worried, too." Ned says. "But, hey, KAREN might need maintenance check. Won't hurt to call Shiloh and make sure."

* * *

 

Shiloh's laid in a bed, white sheets and white blanket, her arm connected to an IV drip while other chords monitor her blood pressure and heart rate. Tony is seated in a chair at the other end of the room, going over a few things Pepper asked him to look over for the company. He's only looked up a couple of times in the hour Shiloh has been there, knowing she'll come to soon and he doesn't have anything to worry about.

The constant beeping eventually starts to pull Shiloh from her sleep, her eyes just barely opening to see the room she's become familiar with. She groans, looking down to her arm where the IV is connected and then to the other side of the room to Tony.

"I didn't die." She says, her voice filled with sleep as she goes to sit up, her head spinning from the sudden movement.

"Where the hell were you?" Tony asks, his eyes immediately leaving the tablet and landing on Shiloh.

"Well," Shiloh finishes sitting up, her muscles feeling weak but the burning is completely gone, a nice sense of relief filling her blood. "I was attacked."

Tony's eyes shoot open and his jaw locks while he gets to his feet. "You can't miss treatments." Tony doesn't yell but the sternness of his voice is enough.

"I know. I didn't do it on purpose. And, I got here, didn't I?" Shiloh snarks, hanging her legs off the edge of the bed.

"I don't think so." Tony says, hand on her shoulder, trying to push her to lay back down. "Had you gotten here five minutes later--"

"Okay, but I didn't." Shiloh pushes his hand off. "Dad, I'm fine. Honest." Shiloh eyes Tony but only for a second before she dodges his stare and looks to the floor, sucking in a breath.

"Are you gonna tell me?" Tony asks.

"No." Shiloh says, getting to her feet, feeling the cool floor through her socks.

Tony watches his daughter with an aching heart as she grabs the metal stand with the IV bag. She detaches the other monitors from herself without a care, knowing what they all do and knowing she's fine. This isn't the first time it's happened and it won't be the last.

"Are you okay?" Tony rests his hands on her shoulders. "Tell me the truth."

"Always. I'm fine." Shiloh nods. "I can't tell you." Shiloh shrugs her shoulders, grabbing her shoes from the floor before she starts to exit the room of the infirmary wing of the tower, Tony following and walking alongside her.

"Should I worry?" He asks.

"I've got it." Shiloh says.

"What'd he do this time?" Tony sounds completely exasperated with having to ask about Peter's actions. He's figured that if Shiloh doesn't talk it's because it's about Peter. It's always about Peter.

Shiloh side-eyes him but sighs in response. "Look, it was just a web grenade but I'm fine. If you ask me, that's progress. The electrocution was worse." Shiloh attempts to make light of the situation, trying her hardest to not only protect Peter from Tony but also protect Tony from himself.

She knows her dad well enough that she knows he'll start blaming himself for Peter. He'll think he didn't try hard enough to guide him or he didn't step in enough. He didn't make Peter go to therapy or rehab. Tony will handle the guilt far better than Peter, but he'll have more guilt than he does already and Shiloh doesn't want to put her dad through it. It's heavy, it's a lot to carry on her own but if it protects the people who she cares about, it's worth it.

"Why were you late?" Tony raises a brow, not buying that was the only thing that happened given they had aired that on the news hours prior.

"Fought with Cindy. She used the whole "Peter's an addict" card again. She doesn't get it so we fought." Shiloh explains, skimming the details for the sake of her own sanity this time.

"What do you plan to do?"

Tony likes Cindy, the girls were good together and Cindy always made Shiloh happy but things have been different for a long time. At the end of the day, Tony wants Shiloh to be happy and he can tell that Cindy doesn't make her happy anymore and she hasn't for a long time.

"I don't know. I like her but....I don't know. Can I be with someone who doesn't accept this part of me?"

Bits of pride swell in Tony's chest and he worries for her. He'll always worry. He almost lost her years ago and he did lose her for five years in the fight against Thanos. He could have lost her again in the second fight with Thanos. But, against all that, despite his worry, he's proud. She chooses to protect people, to protect her friend and it might put her in danger and Tony might think Peter needs tough love rather than always having Shiloh fight him, but he's so proud of her for it. And with Cindy, it's about Peter which causes the worry but he's proud of the loyalty that remains even after everything. Reminds him of Steve.

"She won't have anywhere to go if I break up with her." Shiloh confesses while the two make their way to the lab. "She can't afford the apartment by herself and her family is on the west coast."

Tony nods with understanding. "Alright, but don't compromise your own happiness for hers, okay? You're dealing with enough. Does she know?" Tony points to the IV stand, his finger moving up and down with the gesture.

Shiloh shakes her head. "I never told her...." Shiloh trails off before she gains the 'yikes' expression. "I never told Ned or Peter or MJ or anyone. You guys and Harley are the only ones who know."

Tony cocks his head slightly, questioning his daughter. "Why didn't you tell your friends? After all these years?"

"Didn't seem like I needed to until a few months ago and now it just seems pointless." Shiloh says while Tony presses the button for the elevator.

"You could die." Tony presses and Shiloh knows it kills him to have to admit that.

"I know." She says, looking to the floor while the elevator doors open. "But we'll have warning and I'll tell them then. Besides," Shiloh scoffs, stepping into the elevator. "Not like it really changes anything. And you didn't tell anyone when the arc reactor was killing you. I might've been eight but I remember."

Sometimes, when people go through things, they like to do them alone. It's easier to be alone than it is to have a group of people worry. But, then, there are other times where it's not always wanting to be alone but rather, just wanting that one person to be there. If that person were there, it would make everything easier. And while Shiloh leaves her dad on the medical floor, all she wants is Peter. Maybe had she told him during any point of their friendship, he would have known when they fought and he would have helped her. Maybe it would have snapped some sense into him. Maybe if he knew it was his fault, he'd be there. But, Shiloh never told anyone and now that's her fault and she has to deal with being alone.

Shiloh makes her way into the lab and sits herself in front of the large computers, her IV hanging from its stand beside her while she got to work.

"How are you feeling, boss?" Marty asked through the speakers through the lab.

"Much better. Any news while I've been out?" Shiloh asks, typing away, locating files on Peter's spider suits.

"Nothing that would interest you." The AI responds making Shiloh roll her eyes.

"Good. Less work for me." Shiloh mutters to herself and she's about to tell Marty to turn on her usual playlist, the one she always plays when she knows she'll be in the lab staring at screens and holograms most of the night, when Marty starts talking.

"Miss, Ned is calling." Marty says and Shiloh just groans.

"Yeah, put him through." Shiloh responds, opting to just talk to him now rather than having Marty remind her to call in the morning.

"Hey." Ned's voice comes through the speakers.

"Sup?" Shiloh asks, half paying attention.

"Peter stopped by. He told me what happened, you alright?" Ned asks.

"Always." Shiloh responds without even thinking about it and a few seconds pass by before it hits her. Peter told Ned? "Wait." Shiloh pauses her searching. "Peter told you what happened? Why?"

"Uh," Ned looks to Peter, Shiloh not knowing the two were still together. "Yeah?" Ned pauses and he was all for not telling Shiloh much, figuring it would cause more problems but Ned isn't going to be the middle man. "He stopped by upset, practically crying on my doorstep. KAREN said you have a fever of 120 degrees? Peter said he almost killed you? You couldn't kill him? You're really okay?" Ned calls her bluff, Peter glaring at him but Shiloh brushes Ned off.

"I just had a fever. That's why I was coming to the tower, get more fluids and an IV." Shiloh states, her voice airy and calm. "And yeah....that happened. It's fine." Shiloh says. "Look, he's electrocuted me and threw a grenade at me. Choking? I can deal with it."

"Are you sure? Peter said--"

"Peter tries to injure me." Shiloh cuts him off. "Why does he care?" She challenges and all Ned can do is look to Peter who's head hangs.

"I don't know." Ned says quietly.

"See? Exactly. But I'm fine, I promise. My dad is here and I think Clint and Nat are back from Europe. My mom's here."

"What about Cindy?" Ned questions.

"Big yikes." Shiloh scoffs and moves back to finding the files for Peter's suits, finally locating them.

Ned shakes his head. "Alright, well. Call me later? We can go for lunch tomorrow or something?"

"Yeah, alright." Shiloh huffs with a smile. "Bring Betty though, I haven't seen her in a while."

Heat creeps up to Ned's cheeks. "Will do."

The two say their goodbyes and Shiloh goes back to looking into Peter's files, trying to decide where to start on shutting down the suit's tech. Meanwhile, Ned and Peter are in Ned's kitchen, Ned having given Peter some of his leftover pizza.

"Feel better?" Ned asks while Peter stuffs another piece of pizza in his mouth, the color returning to his face just enough to give Ned a little peace of mind.

Peter shrugs. "Yep." He nods. "Guess it's the flu." Peter says, eye locked with Ned's and they know it's bullshit.

They both know it's bullshit and if it were before May died, Ned could convince Peter to get his ass to the tower and confront Shiloh but it's no use now. Peter is going to brush him off and say if Shiloh were in danger, she would have said something, knowing damn well that's also a lie. Shiloh? Asking for help after all of this? Never.

"Maybe lay off a little?" Ned offers.

Peter shrugs, pushing away all of his feelings he felt when he showed up only forty-five minutes prior. "She said she's fine."

Ned's frustration boils once more. "That's it? She says it's nothing and you're gonna take that and keep going? What happens next time? What happens the next time you're fucking high, dude? You're gonna kill her."

"I won't." Peter says, almost too nonchalant for Ned's comfort.

"Are you sure?" Ned challenges.

"Yeah." Peter grabs the empty paper plate and tosses it into the trash.

It's only a facade Peter is putting up for Ned. Peter heard the quiver in her voice, a tell when she's lying, something only he knows because of his heightened hearing. But a facade is better around Ned who will worry. Better for Peter, too. If he acts like it doesn't matter, like he doesn't care, maybe he won't. Or maybe the guilt will eat him alive.

* * *

 

Shiloh holds her head up with her hand, her teeth gritting together. She's been staring at the screens for hours now, one of the nurses from the infirmary floors already having to come down and change her IV twice. Pepper's brought her food and Tony's stopped in to tell her to try and get some sleep, not wanting to his daughter spending nights in the lab like he's done too often. But, Shiloh brushed them all off, accepting the food and saying she's sleep later. That was two hours ago and she still typed away, not making hardly any progress.

"Fucking Peter!" Shiloh yells out as she gets a middle finger in coding across her screen.

"What's up with Peter?" A voice comes from the doors, scaring Shiloh.

She immediately twirls to the door to see Clint caring a box of pizza. "What the hell?"

"Stark said you were down here." Clint says, taking a seat beside her and resting the pizza on the open table, opening the box. "Want some?"

"He sent you down here." Shiloh counters, grabbing a piece.

"No, I offered." Clint chuckles.

"Alright, what's your wise advice you're here to give?" Shiloh quips, leaning back in her chair, pulling her knees up while she eats her pizza.

Clint shakes his head. "Don't have any." He says, mouth full of food. "Whatcha doing?"

"Trying to shut Peter's suits down but he fucked with the coding so now I'm just getting a middle finger." Shiloh nods towards the screen, Clint laughing to himself and gaining a glare from Shiloh.

"Hey, what did you expect from that kid? You didn't think it'd be that easy, did you?"

"No," Shiloh scoffs. "It's why I tried to steal one of his suits. It would have taken five minutes to attach the suit to the system and shut it all down. Now I have to do it manually and it's taking forever."

"What happened?" Clint asks and Shiloh sighs to herself.

This always happens. It's happened ever since the first attack on New York. Tony built up the Stark tower, turning it into the Avengers tower and every Avenger got their own floor. Clint is one of them and that meant Shiloh grew up with all of the Avengers. Clint was always easy to get along with since he survives solely on coffee and pizza and he just hangs out in the vent system. And he's not superhuman. He's human who happens to have really good aim with a bow. So, whenever anything happened, Clint happened to be the one adult that could get Shiloh to talk even if he wasn't really trying to. Apparently, even after all these years and well into Shiloh's early twenties, Clint still has that effect.

"Hypothetical question." Shiloh quirks a brow.

"Shoot." Clint offers another slice to her.

"If it were Nat, if it was she kills you or you kill her, do you kill her?"

Clint's brows furrow and it's an odd question coming from Shiloh. "Why don't you tell me what happened? Stays between us."

"Peter choked me today, guess that's a good thing of all this." Shiloh scoffs, gesturing towards the IV. "No bruising when it's time for a treatment." Her voice is shallow and bitter. "Um, but Marty was in my ear telling me I had to shoot him or he'd kill me. I couldn't do it." Shiloh shakes her head in shame. "I just...couldn't. It's Peter and if I shoot him in the wrong spot, he'll die."

Clint nods his head, leaning back in his own chair. "Alright, well, don't give me that bullshit your dad does, you really okay?"

Shiloh looks to her pizza and shrugs. "I'm tired." She looks back to Clint and he understands.

"I don't know." He says. "I'd like to think I could save us both but..." He trails off and his eyes go misty.

"I know." Shiloh nods, knowing where Clint's mind went.

When they defeated Thanos, when everything started to calm down and everyone started to reunite, Shiloh came to notice Natasha missing. Everyone else was there aside from Vision but Shiloh was there when Vision was killed. But Nat? As far as Shiloh knew, Nat should have been okay. She would have been in the fight but she wasn't. She was nowhere to be found and Tony broke it to her that she sacrificed herself to save everyone. She fought with Clint off the side of a cliff for an infinity stone and she sacrificed herself in order to get it, so everyone could come back, so everyone could defeat Thanos. It wasn't easy. But, Steve came through when he went and returned the stones. He returned the stone and in return, Nat came back with him. But, they didn't erase the scars it left Clint with.

"You've fought her." Shiloh offers.

"You fight Peter." Clint counters. "Look, I think this is different."

"What if it wasn't?" Shiloh offers and she just wants to know she's not weak because all she feels right now is that she's weak, a failure, and a letdown.

"I can't answer." Clint shakes his head, grabbing yet another slice of pizza. "I don't know and you're in an impossible situation because of it." Clint says before taking a bite. "You put yourself through hell over him because of your friendship. I--," A smile starts to come to Clint's face. "The two of you have been through more than you should have to and you two gave up a lot, this isn't easy. You shouldn't be sitting here thinking about if you need to kill your friend or not."

Shiloh's eyes widen and there's a warm feeling in her gut and Clint's the only person in a long time to refer to Peter as her friend. Everyone avoids that word with the two of them because friends don't fight like they do. Friends don't attack each other. Friends don't try to kill each other.

"I know it wasn't easy for either of you to walk away from what you had after that fight against Thanos but you did. And...it was like nothing happened. You can't kill him because you care about him and you don't need to be ashamed of that. You're a hero, Shiloh."

Shiloh scoffs. "I'm not a hero." She says quietly, heart weighing heavy.

"Yeah, you are." Clint rests a hand on her shoulder. "Finish tomorrow, you need to sleep. Heard you were late."

"Yeah," Shiloh nods. "He still treats me like a kid sometimes."

"Eh," Clint shrugs. "He just worries."

"He blames himself." Shiloh counters.

"Same thing. C'mon." Clint pulls her arm, pulling her to her feet. "You're going to bed."

Shiloh follows Clint, not bothering to argue. She knows she'll be awake in two hours anyway. Four at the very most and then she can come back to the lab and get back to trying to working her way around whatever Peter did to the coding.

He can still be Spider-Man without all the working tech but it'll be harder. His suits have been upgraded to accommodate the metal leg and without that working tech, it's going to be harder for him to climb walls and move quickly with perfect agility. Without the tech, he won't have KAREN in his ear which means he won't have her help. Peter won't have all the web-shooter combinations which also benefits Shiloh and maybe she won't actually be hurt in a fight against him. Maybe if she can disable all of the tech features, it'll make him take a break and realize it's been going on too long and he needs a break. Everyone needs a break.

Shiloh gets to her room, Clint off to his shared room with Nat on her floor. Shiloh goes ahead and takes out her own IV, having it down a thousand times before and not even flinching. She paces in her room after switching into a pair of shorts and a tank top, planning to listen to Clint and try to get some sleep. But, she ends up in bed, staring at her wall.

The wall that still contains a few pictures Peter took, a hobby he dropped after MJ died. Shiloh groans, turning over to face the wall, pulling her pillow over her head only for her to turn back around and go to her desk. Sleep isn't happening. She's not gonna bother, instead, she'll get back to work on her own laptop in her own old room.

Meanwhile, another two hours pass and Peter has been in his room tossing and turning for hours. Usually, he can't sleep because of nightmares or the pain that's in his leg. But, tonight it's different. Every time he closes his eyes, he can see the pure panic and heartbreak and devastation on Shiloh's face when she raised her hand to him. He can still hear her repeating over and over that she couldn't do it and it's haunting him. It's pulling at his stomach and sucking the air from his lungs every time his eyes close. It's the guilt.

He's taken out all of the blame on her for a long time. There was MJ and then May but Peter knows it started before either of them. It started when Doc Oc captured Shiloh because of Peter. Because Peter screwed up. Peter went to protect MJ instead of Shiloh even though Shiloh was the obvious person Doc Oc would go after. And because of that, Shiloh has scars across her face and her shoulders and her hips. It's because of Peter that Shiloh was in rehab and couldn't cheer and struggled to even look in a mirror for months, undergoing surgery after surgery to try and correct the damage, make the scars not look so bad.

It's been a long time but Peter started distancing himself from her then because it's his fault, right? Had he not been friends with her, that wouldn't have happened. He already lost his parents, Ben, Flash. Did he have to lose her, too?

And then when MJ was killed for dating Peter, it only sealed Peter's decision further, only talking to Shiloh when needed but then May died and that was it. Blame Shiloh and one day she'll give up. At least, Peter hoped but it's been two years since MJ and Shiloh isn't giving up. And now the guilt is yanking Peter down and drowning him further and he needs to tell her he doesn't want her dead.

Peter gets out of bed, wincing as he places the metal foot to the ground. Nights are always worse. Always painful but he trudges on and grabs the black and red suit. He puts it on, mask and all and he heads off to the tower.

It's after four in the morning and while cars still travel the roads and the lights still illuminate the sky, it's not nearly as packed or loud. It's actually quite nice and it brings Peter back to when him and Shiloh would go out this late when one of them couldn't sleep. They'd meet up on top of a random building somewhere and just talk, the coolness of the night keeping them calm and comfortable. The breeze refreshing with every inhale and the sounds always distant and not pounding like usual. It was always really nice. And maybe Peter misses it.

He reaches the tower and scales the building, pinpointing Shiloh's room, making the assumption she wouldn't have moved rooms. He's a bit nervous by the time he reaches the window but he keeps telling himself he's just there to say he doesn't want her dead and then he can go home and sleep for a few hours. That's it. That's all.

But, when he knocks, it pulls Shiloh from her laptop and her heart sinks with immediate anxiety. Peter's the only one that knocks on her window, mostly because she's a few stories up and it's a little difficult for anyone else to be knocking. So, she quickly makes her way to the blacked out window, a setting she had FRIDAY use when she was working, and she slid up the top part of the glass revealing Peter in the suit that's always been her favorite.

"Pete?" Shiloh asks, brows furrowed.

"Um," Peter swallows thickly and she looks a lot better than she did earlier.

The color is back in her face and there aren't vivid bags under her eyes. Now, she just looks tired and her hair being pulled into a messy ponytail only adds to the tired look. But, that's all. Just tired and it brings a sudden softness over Peter which he'll just blame on the late night and lack of sleep.

"I don't want you dead." Peter confesses, not removing his mask as he leans an arm onto the open glass window sill.

Shiloh raises a brow and shakes her head. "Thank you?"

Peter looks down, his stomach dropping, a part of him still not too fond of being up so high. "I...I just...I could've killed you and...I never." Peter's words fall short and he's trying to find a way to explain it without giving up this new part of himself. "I'd never kill you."

Shiloh nods and tilts her head slightly. "It's okay, I'm fine." Shiloh gives him a smile and lifts her head. "No bruise."

There's a slight bit of relief that starts to course through Peter's veins at the sight. There isn't a bruise but he swears there should be. His grasp on her was hard. But he tries to shove it away. He just came here to tell her that he didn't mean it.

"I didn't mean it though." Peter clears his throat. "I, uh, I dunno what happened. I lost it and....I'd never try and kill you." There's barely a crack in Peter's voice, one someone who doesn't know him probably wouldn't pick up but Shiloh did.

Truthfully, Shiloh just thinks it's drugs. Maybe he was high and that's what made him lose control. Maybe that's why he's here explaining himself. He's come down from the high and the rush of it all, knowing he fucked up. It's what happened with Norman. He was a wreck after anyway given MJ but after the high wore off, he lost it. It set in that he had just killed someone and he lost it. Shiloh, May, and Ned all had to work together to get him to calm down. It was a sight Shiloh wishes she could erase from her memory.

"I promise." Peter mutters. "I'll never....I don't want you dead and if it ever happens again," He pauses. "Shoot me. Don't think about it, just do it." Peter says and it's like he's pleading for her to do it.

"You know I won't." Shiloh says but her voice is soft and gentle while she scoots closer to him on her knees, the glass separating them.

"Do it." Peter presses. "Just do it, okay?"

"No." Shiloh says. "You could die."

"I won't." Peter argues. "If I lose it again, on you, you need to shoot me." Peter's voice raises in urgency and Shiloh just wants to keep arguing but Peter doesn't let her. "Promise me you'll shoot me if it happens again."

It's a lot easier to promise someone when Shiloh can see their face but Peter still has the mask on. She can't tell how he's really feeling, not when she has the white and black eyes to look at but Peter gets to see her every emotion. He can see it across her face, he can hear it in her heartbeat. It's not fair and it's not right.

"Why don't you take off the mask and stay awhile? We'll talk." Shiloh offers but she doesn't make the effort to move, afraid that if she moves even a little more, it'll scare Peter off.

"No," Peter shakes his head. "You need to promise me.  _ **Please**_."

Peter's pleading with her and it's a hard promise to make but Shiloh misses her friend and they always held up their promises. Always and somewhere deep beneath the dark and twisty, somewhere beneath everything horrible Peter has been through, the soft and innocent Peter is there. He's just drowning under all of this so Shiloh is gonna toss him a life jacket.

"I promise." Shiloh nods and there's a soft crack in her voice. "I'll shoot you if it happens again."

"Thank you." Peter says and his voice is broken.

"Peter, please, come in." Shiloh asks and Peter shakes his head.

"I gotta go." He mutters but before he can leave, Shiloh reaches out the window and wraps her arms around him.

She pulls him close to her, not enough to get him into her room, but just enough to hug him and she misses her best friend. There was always something about his hugs that could make even the worst days feel okay and her hugs always had the same effect on Peter. There was always something that just helped and Shiloh needs it and she knows he does, too. So, her arms squeeze Peter and her head is in the crook of his neck and he still smells the same, cinnamon and peppermint.

And it kills Peter not to hug her back. If he does, he'll cave. He'll break the promise he made to Tony and to Harley and to Pepper. He'll break the promise he made to himself. But his heart starts to slow and his eyes burn as they close and he buries his head into the crook of her neck. And it's like he can breathe. His lungs fill with air, the scent of her shampoo filling his senses and she smells like flowers and the peak of summer and tears flow down Peter's cheeks, him forever grateful he has on a mask so she can't see. He misses her, too.

Shiloh starts to let go and Peter's body fills with ice at the lack of contact but he can't find it in himself to move even though he knows he should. Shiloh cups his face over the mask and all she has to look at are the eyes of the mask. It's a shell of the Peter she knows and cares for. And Peter is just watching her, knowing what she wants to do but also knowing she won't take the mask off but maybe he wants her to.

Maybe he wants her to disrespect the identity just this one time and take the mask off, see the tears running down his cheeks, his eyes completely bloodshot and bruises still decorating his face. Maybe he wants her to see a cut that's healing on his lip and the bags under his eyes that are just as vivid as the ocean he's drowning himself in. He wants her to see the paleness of his skin and how sickly he looks because she'll drag him in through the window and make him see someone. Make him stay. But he also doesn't want her to.

He can't break these promises, not to the people she cares about most and not to himself. She can't know how sick he looks. She can't know the pain he's in every single day because she'll help and he doesn't deserve it. She's too good for him. Shiloh's a hero and Peter's a letdown.

"I gotta go." Peter places a hand over hers, sliding her hand from his face and Shiloh almost pulls him back because his voice is too quiet, it's the voice she's heard late at night when he's crying.

She wants to pull him back but then he's gone. Just like that, he's gone, scaling down the building and tears build up behind Shiloh's eyes and it all just hurts. Shiloh misses him in more ways than she thought. She wants Peter. Wants him back, wants everything back. She just needs him back. But worst of all, she wants him to want her, too. To miss her. But he left. And now she's alone and he's alone at five in the morning and their hearts ache for the other.

It  _hurts_  more than it should.


	6. surprise guest

The heavy feeling of the mixed cocktail of regret, guilt, and loss loomed in the pit of Shiloh's stomach for a few days after Peter had come by. It had been quiet. Almost too quiet. Peter hadn't been causing any trouble and it had already been three days since he came by the tower and made Shiloh promise to shoot him if something happens. There weren't any reports of Spider-Man even being seen. It was weird but when Shiloh asked, Ned said Peter was fine, fine for Peter's standards anyway. And Shiloh took that and she decided to lean on hope that maybe, that whole day, that ten minutes at her window, convinced him to take a step back. Maybe.

A week went by since Shiloh had seen Peter and Shiloh's been working on her relationship, trying to salvage what she can even though she knows it's still a lost cause. Every time Shiloh's phone goes off, she grabs it without even thinking about it and Cindy can tell be the way Shiloh's shoulders deflate that she's always hoping it's news about Spider-man, about Peter and it never is. And it doesn't help that Shiloh has been skipping out during the nights and sleeping at the tower. She falls asleep with Cindy for an hour or two and then goes right to the tower, starts a treatment, and gets some sleep. Shiloh might be around more, but to Cindy, she still feels like she's dating a ghost.

But, aside from that, it's been good. For the first time in a year, it's actually been good for Shiloh. She got to have lunch with Ned and Betty completely uninterrupted. Shiloh has been able to work on her suit in some peace and quiet, not worrying about if she'll need to swap anything out for her old one on the chance Peter is being a menace.

She's been able to have dinner with her parents, laughing with Rhodey at Tony's failed attempts to cook and Happy's failed attempts at helping him cook all while Pepper watches and rolls her eyes with a soft smile. Shiloh has been able to keep up with her cheerleaders, staying the entire time at practice and actually getting them ready for competition. It's been nice over the past week, a break Shiloh didn't realize how desperate she was to get.

Now, it's been two weeks and Shiloh is sleeping in her bed at the tower, the noise of the mid-morning not daring to even stir her. The windows are still blacked out thanks to FRIDAY and she had only gone to sleep four hours prior but she's sleeping peacefully. That is until someone opens her door and shoots her in the back of the head with a Nerf gun, immediately waking her up.

"What the fuck?" She groans, rolling over in her bed, looking to the door with squinted eyes to see a dirty blonde with short hair, partially spiked in the front, holding a rigged Nerf gun with a happy smirk. "Ugh, you prick."

He shoots her again, gaining another groan. "Get up, I'm hungry. Let's go."

"Go yourself." Shiloh grumbles into her blankets.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" He shoots her again, walking into her room.

Shiloh only opens her eyes when she feels him standing directly in front of her. His bottom lip is sticking out and his eyes are big and a dark blue, looking absolutely pitiful.

"You're so fucking dramatic, oh my god." Shiloh rolls her eyes and reaches for the Nerf gun. "Hi, Harley, how are you? Why are you here? Was your flight good? Great." Shiloh rambles the questions and take the toy gun from him, shooting the last Nerf dart at him.

"Hey!" Harley hisses.

Shiloh smiles sweetly. "Now, I'm happy to see you." She sits up and opens her arms, ignoring the tiredness of her eyes and muscles.

Harley bends down and hugs her, a smile pulling at his lips, happy to see his long-time friend again. After Tony broke into Harley's garage, Tony kept in touch with Harley and his mom, introducing Harley and Shiloh not long after him and Pepper (mostly Pepper) had killed Killian and Tony stabilized the extremis. Harley had told Tony that his dad left his family and Harley's smart, kind of like a smaller version of Tony, so naturally, Tony took Harley under his wing and that included introducing his daughter to him and then allowing Harley to come out during the summers with his mom's okay. Harley was only twelve and Shiloh was only ten but now they're into their twenties and they're still the best of friends even if they don't see each other as often as they'd like.

"When'd you get in, really?" Shiloh asks, pulling away and sitting cross-legged on her bed, making plenty of room for Harley.

"I just got here like an hour ago." Harley shrugs, taking a seat beside her. "I didn't really want to wake you but I was bored."

"Mhm," Shiloh rolls her eyes.

Harley bumps his shoulder with hers. "It's true." Harley pauses for a second, looking at someone he's been closest with for over ten years.

The last time he FaceTimed her just three weeks ago, she had a healing bruise under her eye and a busted lip. She looked tired, she still looks tired but now it's not as evident. Now, he's mostly just met with the two scars that have been there for years rather than new and recent injuries.

Harley liked Peter. The two of them got along really well when Shiloh introduced them. There was a little bit of a rivalry, Harley being a show-off and extrovert and Peter being a people-pleaser and an introvert. They both wanted to impress Tony and both of them liked Shiloh's attention but that's all it ever was. A friendly rivalry and the two of them became almost as close as they were with Shiloh, especially when they'd all attended MIT and after the snap. But, ever since Peter turned away from the hero life and became the villain of Shiloh's life, Harley hasn't been Peter's biggest fan. He's not exactly happy about anyone causing Shiloh any form of pain but especially Peter.

"You been alright?" Harley asks.

"Lately, yeah, actually." Shiloh huffs with a soft laugh before she gets up and stretches.

Harley's glad to hear she's doing okay, and it being genuine this time. But, that makes him want to ask the question sooner rather than later. It's better to get it out of the way especially with what Shiloh had told him when she called after Peter and her had fought the last time on his fire escape.

"How's Peter?" Harley asks, his eyes never leaving her as she makes her way to her closet that's slowly filling back up with clothes.

Shiloh sighs. "I haven't talked to him in about two weeks. Or seen him."

"Is he turning himself around?" There's no hope in Harley's voice, it's mostly just flat, expecting the worst as he's come to do with Peter.

Shiloh shrugs, grabbing a t-shirt from the closet before turning back to him. "I dunno." She says, her brows furrowing. "He came by two weeks ago, about four or five in the morning. He told me to shoot him if it ever happens again, if he loses control again."

Harley was livid when Shiloh called him and relayed what had happened from Peter robbing the bank to the two of them fighting on the fire escape to her being two hours late for her treatment. Of course, he was worried about her missing a treatment but he also knew she was fine given she had called him but with Peter, if Harley could have thrown himself through the phone and strangled Peter, he would have.

"You didn't tell me that." Harley says, referring to Peter's stop by Shiloh's window.

"Yeah..." Shiloh says with the scrunch of her nose. "He just, he seemed weird. Weirder than usual. I don't know, Harley, it was weird. I hugged him and I kind of thought he would push me away but he didn't. Maybe he really did feel bad."

"Don't delude him with your sympathy," Harley states, words blunt and sharp.

"I'm not." Shiloh shakes her head. "He just didn't give up on me after Doc Oc so I'm not gonna give up on him, ya know?"

Harley shakes his head but there's a smile decorating his face. Shiloh takes after everyone. There are bits and pieces of all of the Avengers that shine with certain things. Some things shine brighter than others and one of those things is her loyalty.

It's something she learned from Steve when it came to Bucky. Her loyalty runs deep to Peter and sometimes it's painful, even painful to watch but it's admirable. It's something Harley wishes he had. He's loyal to a fault with Shiloh and his blood family, even Tony and Pepper, but not like Shiloh is with Peter.

Harley would have turned Shiloh in already, most people would have. Anything to get her help, to stop her from making more mistakes but Shiloh won't do it. She promised she'd always be there and in order to be there, Peter can't be locked away somewhere. Harley understands even if he doesn't fully agree. But, then again, that's where his loyalty lies because he'll back her up with standing by Peter even through hell.

"Yeah," Harley nods. "Well, let's get some food, I'm starving and could go for a burger." Harley gets up from the bed and heads towards the door, Shiloh agreeing and telling him she'll be ready in fifteen minutes and to find a place for them to go before she meets him outside.

* * *

While Shiloh might be happy to have Harley and the two of them might be going for a late lunch and just enjoying their day, Peter is a stark contrast. It's nice outside, sunny with a breeze, really nice weather for a hoodie and a pair of jeans. The grass is soft, comfortable beneath Peter's butt as he's sat cross-legged. The tombstones have just been cleaned and fresh flowers rest on the graves he's sat in front of and in between.

"I haven't done anything in two weeks." Peter says, his fingers going to the grass and plucking the blades. "I, uh, you guys would be so disappointed." Peter fumbles for words, not knowing exactly what to say but he hasn't been to any grave sights in months.

He felt maybe he was overdue and as he tries to talk he's starting to regret it, knowing there's nothing he can say that's going to make anything better or bring them back. Instead, sitting in front of the graves engraved with his aunt and uncle's names just leave him guilt-ridden.

He couldn't save them and he should have been able to. They protected him against the world and he couldn't be there the one time either of them needed him. Ben was only out to get Peter, that's the only reason he was shot. Because Peter and him and got into a fight and Peter fled the house. Ben went looking for him. That's it. It's Peter's fault. And May? She was just a casualty because Peter lost control that one time with Norman. Had Peter not killed Norman, Harry wouldn't have killed May. They needed him and Peter let them down.

"I'm sorry." Peter chews his bottom lip as tears prick the back of his eyes, his vision starting to blur and a lump forms in his throat, one almost too big to swallow. "'M sorry I couldn't save either of you." He sniffles, wiping his nose as his chin wrinkles. "I'm so sorry." Peter cries out, burying his head in his hands. "I wanna take it all back." He sobs, his vision now completely obscured by his flowing tears. "I dunno what to do, May. I wish, I wish you were here, Ben. I can't do this alone."

Peter's body starts to shake as he cries into himself, tears flowing down his pale skin as if a river dam had just broken. His heart pounds against his ribs, easing some of the throbbing from his leg. His head begins to ache with every sob that leaves his lungs but he can't get himself to stop. He feels cold and deathly alone in the world.

Peter knows that if there's something up there, somewhere where his lost loved ones can look down on him, he knows they're looking at him with disappointed eyes. This isn't the Peter they knew or raised. This is the Peter they warned him about, the one they told him to stay away from because it's nothing but trouble. This is the kind of Peter that easily could have been someone to kill someone's uncle Ben.

This is the person that MJ would have rolled her eyes at and never even bothered to give a second glance to. She would have a few choice words, none of which PG, and that would have been it. Even Flash wouldn't have given Peter the time of day. It's why he avoids the cemetery. Here, it's like he's allowing himself to be exposed to those who might be looking over him. He's allowing himself to be judged and it hurts. It's a reminder of everything he was and everything he could have been but chose not to be.

With his head buried in his hands, he always questions if this is the right decision, going against what he was taught was right and what was wrong. He fights with himself over how disappointed everyone would be, the scolding and shameful looks they'd be giving him. And maybe if the dead could talk, he would stop permanently right now. He'd find a new way to deal with the weight of loss and he'd find a new will to live. He wouldn't put himself in reckless danger anymore or fight with the only people who bother to try and protect him from himself. Maybe if the dead could talk and just ask him what he's doing, he would have the power to pull himself above water and catch a breath, breathe in enough to get up just one more time. But the dead can't talk and he looks back at the names engraved on the tombstones and he just lets himself keep falling to the bottom of the ocean he's been drowning in for a year.

If he turns around, if he starts fighting to live again, the only people left in his life could get hurt, could get killed. At least with him being the villain of their story, he knows where he stands and where they stand. He knows that even if he loses control, they'll kill him before he could kill them. And he knows he doesn't want to kill them or even have any intention to.

If he's their villain, he can make sure others don't step in and kill them. It's backwards and deep down Peter knows it, but it's better than going through another Ben or May or MJ or Flash situation. It's better than going through losing another limb and better than watching either of his friends bleed out. This is easier. Being alone is better than watching the rest of the people he cares about die because of him.

"I'm so sorry." Peter calms himself down just enough to say, eyes looking between the grey stones. " _I have to._ "

* * *

"So, you really wanna transfer up here?" Shiloh asks Harley as the two of them make their way through the open living room, just getting back from their late lunch.

"Yeah," He shrugs a shoulder. "California has been cool and everything but, I like it better here. And mom and my sister are settled." Harley explains.

"Have you brought it up to either of my parents yet?" Shiloh asks, reaching the kitchen and taking a seat at the barstool, Harley sitting beside her.

"Was gonna bring it up while I'm here. Is Pepper there or is she here?" He questions, resting one arm on the back of the barstool chair and the other on the snack bar.

"Not gonna ask my dad?" Shiloh teases, moving her sunglasses to the top of her head.

"I would if I knew he wouldn't just okay it for the fuck of it." Harley laughs "What about you? Have you started training under Pepper yet?"

"No," Shiloh laughs. "I'm not running the company. You can run it, I'll work under you."

Harley lightly kicks her. "You won't listen to me!"

"Exactly." Shiloh continues to laugh, kicking him back. "That's what makes it such a good idea.You can boss everyone else around, try to boss me around, I'll nod my head and say okay and then just do my own thing. Everyone wins."

Harley narrows his eyes as he shakes his head. "I'll cut your pay."

"See!" Shiloh yells with enthusiasm. "You're already doing great, buddy!"

Harley looks to the side, taking in a deep breath as if he were in an episode of the Office.

As Harley and Shiloh started going into high school, the two of them really started thinking about what they wanted to do afterwards and what they wanted to go to college for. For Shiloh, it was always kind of unsaid that she would end up going to school for business and engineering so she could continue to work through Stark Industries and eventually take over the company but that's not exactly her idea. She's all for working with Stark Industries, but she wants to work with tech, not run the company. She likes her lab and wants to keep it that way and of course, Tony and Pepper are fully supportive of her decision.

As for Harley, he was always promised a job at the company and it'd be up to him if he ever wanted to take it. It was discussed when he decided on a business and engineering degree that he could work on the business end of things if he really wanted to. After all, he's been like a son to Tony for now about thirteen years. But, Harley never really thought he would take over an entire company, especially when there's someone actually related to Tony and Pepper to do so. But, he'd be lying if he said he wouldn't want to at least try. He loves the engineering aspect of it but he's also interested in the business side, way more than Shiloh is.

"There are two of you." Tony's voice carries from behind them and Harley beams at the sight of his father-figure.

"Tony! Hey, man. Did you miss me?" Harley asks and Tony holds a straight face.

"Pepper!" Tony yells, eyes on Shiloh and Harley.

"She's not even home!" Shiloh chortles.

"Aw, come on Tony. I missed you." Harley tries to hold back a laugh.

"You shot me in the ass with a potato the last time you were here." Tony says flatly, slightly cocking his head to the right.

Shiloh bites her knuckles trying to hold back a laugh while Harley's head goes back, a booming laugh comes from his chest. "You were in the way of our movie marathon and it was my last day!" Tony narrows his eyes at Harley but it's becoming more and more obvious he's trying not to start laughing. "And you gave me the potato gun, remember? So, it's kind of your fault."

"How could I forget." Tony says and he takes a few steps forward, approaching Harley and wrapping an arm around his shoulders to give him a quick hug. "How are you? Your mom, sister?" Tony asks, a smile now gracing his face as he makes his way around the snack bar.

"Everyone's good." Harley confirms. "We'll stay good if you don't cook for us though." Harley points a finger as Tony's rummaging through the fridge.

"I make good omelets!" Tony defends, grabbing the eggs.

"Do you though?" Shiloh asks with the scrunch of her face.

Tony blinks at Shiloh, resting the eggs on the counter. "Don't you have to work? Or have a treatment?"

"I work for you and practice isn't for another hour and I did treatments pretty late last night so I'll be good until late tonight." Shiloh gives him finger guns with a snarky smile. Tony looks to Harley, he just matches her smile and shrugs, extending his hands as if Tony should have known better.

"Anyway," Harley says. "When is Pepper gonna be home?"

"Why? Looking to transfer?" Tony asks, leaning on the counter and Harley's face contorts in confusion, trying to figure out how it is that Tony always knows everything about everything. "You two aren't quiet. I heard you from down the hall."

"Oh." Harley says. "Yeah, I asked if I could come and talk to her."

"I'll put in the papers." Tony says, turning to the stove to work on his own omelet.

"That's mom's department." Shiloh reminds him.

"She'll be fine." Tony waves his hand in the air making Harley and Shiloh shake their heads.

The room falls silent aside from Tony working on making his own food that eventually he'll master. The silence doesn't last long, however. Shiloh's phone vibrates against the counter only a few minutes later and the name across the phone reads "Cindy" making Shiloh let out a sigh and clear the message, not viewing it. Harley watches her and raises a brow.

"Not gonna get that?" He points to the phone.

"Nah, it's Cindy." Shiloh says, taking her phone and stuffing it in the back pocket of her jeans.

"Did I miss something or aren't you dating her?" Harley questions.

"Yeah....I am." Shiloh says quietly.

"She's avoiding her problems." Tony pipes in.

"Hey!" Shiloh yells out, head snapping in Tony's direction.

"Are you not?" Tony asks, just barely looking over his shoulder.

"So, you're dating someone and living with them but you're sleeping here and ignoring their texts? Doesn't that make you a dick?" Harley offers, expression judging and scolding.

"Hey, she works all day and I go home when I'm done coaching and done with a treatment." Shiloh tries to defend her hurtful behavior.

"And then you come back here around one in the morning." Tony pipes in gaining a glare from Shiloh. "You run into Clint every night."

"He ratted me out?" Shiloh almost yells before the three of them hear clanking from above them and then a rusty squeak.

One of the opening panels from the ceiling vents falls open and Clint comes into view. "I didn't know it was a secret." Clint says, from one of the vents above them.

"Why are you always in the vents? You know you're not an actual bird, right?" Shiloh quips, looking up to see Clint half hanging down from the vent system.

"I was looking for--" Clint stops mid-sentence, seeing the look Tony was giving him. "Nothing's broken, Stark. I lost an arrow."

"In the vent system?" Harley and Shiloh ask at the same time.

"Long story. Not my smartest decision." Clint sighs.

"I thought you never miss." Shiloh squints up at him and Clint gains a smirk.

"I don't. I said it was a long story." Clint says simply.

"Well, stop eavesdropping then, please." Shiloh says, eyes widening and Clint chuckles, reaching to his ears and shutting his hearing aids off before pulling the grate of the vent back and disappearing.

Harley looks to Shiloh and she just shrugs. "Ya know, this is why I'm weird. Like, this is why. Clint's in the damn vent system looking for an arrow, you've been trying to make the same omelet for like ten years and still can't do it, I have a brother who's not really my brother because you broke into his garage, my best friend is part spider but not really, I've been kidnapped twice, I died, Sam and Bucky bicker like children while Steve reads the paper and tells them to stop, Banner turns green. Like, this is my life and I'm weird and it's all your faults." Shiloh gestures her finger in a circular motion.

"Would you rather be somewhere else?" Tony quips.

"Well, no." Shiloh scoffs. "I'm just saying."

The three laugh softly as Tony finishes up making his omelet and again, it's not long before their peace is disturbed by Shiloh's phone. Her phone blares the deafening alarm she hasn't heard in two weeks and her stomach immediately drops as she watches a red light flash on her phone while the screen illuminates with "Emergency alert: Bug Boy".

"Gotta go." Shiloh jumps down from the barstool, pressing her necklace and the suits coats her body and bits of adrenaline start to flood her veins, a kind of excitement she didn't expect to course through her.

"Peter? I thought--"

"Apparently, he's back at it." Shiloh cuts Harley off before she heads out, not even bothering a goodbye to either Harley or Tony, leaving them to watch her.

Tony stands, leaned against the counter, eating his omelet he won't admit tastes like cardboard. Harley stares at him and gives him a menacing smile before he jerks his head. "Sup, Tony?"

Tony shakes his head, pointing the fork behind Harley. "In the lab." He pushes against the counter and Harley follows Tony to his lab.

* * *

Sirens blared all around Peter but all he could hear was the sound of his breath. His feet hit the pavement when they landed on rooftops, swinging from one and landing on the other, running to the edge and doing it over again. A backpack hits his back with every leap and every jump. His chest expands and his lungs are on fire but with the sirens following close behind, it's an adrenaline rush.

Megaphones are being used to tell him to stop or they'll shoot but Peter's heard that about a thousand times so he just keeps moving. He'll outrun every cop in the city before any of them get a shot off. And besides, all he did was a rob a few cars in a parking garage. If they were going to shoot him, they would have done it when he robbed the bank two weeks prior but they didn't. They don't really want the death of Spider-Man on their hands, not when he's never severely injured anyone. Put a few people in the hospital? Sure, but they were all discharged after a few hours. The cops don't want to deal with the wrath of citizens who still hope Spider-Man will turn around and they don't want to deal with any of the Avengers who might have something to say, so they just threaten him. From rooftop to rooftop, they threaten him. And Peter's blood just pumps with excitement.

Despite his break down in the cemetery, he knows he can't stop this, especially right now. He can't put on the hero mask again and he can't stop being a criminal. It's the only thing that makes him semi-alive. It's the only thing that can really get his blood pumping. Well, there is one other thing.

"C'mon, Bug Boy." Shiloh flies in front of Peter and unlike last time, he doesn't run into her, he doesn't stop, he uses her to attach a web to and swings to the next building, Shiloh barely keeping herself up. "Hey!" She yells after him, flying to keep up. "You need to stop!"

"Not happening." Peter mutters, jumping to another rooftop but just as his feet were about to land, Shiloh flies into him and tackles him to the ground, pinning him down.

Her helmet dissolves and theres's a sense of relief that takes over Peter. She's no longer pain or scared or angry. The cut on her head from before is healed, there are no bruises around her neck as there wasn't two weeks ago. The bags under her eyes are gone and she looks good, healthy. And it's like that switch flips, seeing Shiloh look better it flips and he replaces the adrenaline rush with anger towards her and looming overwhelming feeling to protect her from everything, especially  _him_.

"What? Two weeks enough for you to get bored? You robbed a bank last week, what could you possibly need to be stealing now?" Shiloh questions him.

Peter's head shakes and Shiloh has his bad leg pinned, shearing and shooting pain going through what's left of the limb. "Off." Peter groans.

"What?" Shiloh asks.

"Get. Off." Peter groans through gritted teeth, his arms flexing and flipping them both over. He sucks in a breath of relief as the pain eases slightly, turning into an ache.

Peter pins Shiloh down and she feels all of his weight shifting to his left side. She glances down and sees his right leg more or less hovering above her, not on her or on the ground. She remembers back the night May died and she picked Peter up from the police station. He was favoring his left leg, limping as they walked and he held that limp through the funeral. But she hasn't seen him limp since, not that Peter makes it obvious when he's running and it's definitely not obvious when he's swinging between buildings. The only indicator is Peter's speed but Shiloh didn't really think it could be the leg.

"Are you okay?" She asks, eyes back up to Peter's mask.

"Go home." Peter says, his eyes roll behind the mask and he moves his arm, ready to shoot a web and this time, Shiloh turns her head to the side, eyes slamming shut and bracing for impact.

That same drowning feeling consumes Peter at the sight, images of her crying and sobbing and not being able to get to her feet cloud his mind and he moves his hand, aiming at her wrist to pin her to the top of the roof. But, before he can, there's someone new talking, words muffled from a microphone and helicopter flying.

"Let the girl go and drop the bag." The voice says, Shiloh opening her eyes to see a helicopter belonging to New York's police departments.

"Go." Shiloh says, looking back to Peter.

"We will shoot. We're done with this game Spider-Man. Drop the bag, let the girl go, and turn yourself in." As the words hit Shiloh and Peter, someone in the helicopter takes out a gun and aims it directly at the white Spider-Man symbol on Peter's back. "Let her go, final warning."

This isn't good and Shiloh can feel it. She can see the gun aimed directly at Peter and they have a shot. They will take the shot and this has never happened before. News helicopters will follow but never the cops. They're fed up with Spider-Man and they really might shoot and Peter has Shiloh pinned. She's not strong enough to get him off of her, not when he's focused on her and there's something in the pit of her stomach that's saying he doesn't plan to move. And she's terrified because she can't lose him, too. She needs help, needs to convince him to move. She will cover him. She always covers him.

"Peter, I'll cover you." Shiloh grits her teeth, eyes widening and Peter knows he has to get up but he can't.

What if he gets up just as they shoot? Shiloh will get shot. What if he gets up and starts walking and they shoot? He'll die or what if Shiloh steps in front of him and then she dies? There's no good way out this and all he can do is look down to her and shake his head. He won't lose her, too.

And Shiloh's about to start yelling at him when she sees something black and silver flying towards them and she knows.

"Looks like you need some help." Harley says through their coms, flying closer to them but not quite reaching them yet.

Seeing Harley sparks an idea. "Remember getting grounded that one summer because we set off a bomb in my lab by accident?" Shiloh asks, words slurring together so quickly Harley barely picks up on what she's saying.

"This is stupid." Harley says, knowing what she's thinking.

"Yell at me later." Shiloh responds, glancing to Peter, his grip tight on her and guilt hits her but she knows what to do.

"Can you get out from under him?" Harley asks and the next thing he sees is Shiloh kick Peter's bad leg, Peter screaming out in pain and his grip loosens. It's just enough for Shiloh to swing her leg from under Peter's bad leg and wrap it around him, flipping the two of them over so she's on top.

"Whenever you're ready, Harley." Shiloh gives Harley the go-ahead.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Peter asks, pushing her off of him. "Get out of here!" Peter screams, gesturing his arm out, looking down to Shiloh.

"Not without you." Shiloh jerks his arm, using him to help her to get to her feet and the next thing Peter knows, he's being dragged towards the edge opposite the helicopter and a bomb explodes just behind of them, sending the helicopter tilting and the pilot needing to veer away while Shiloh and Peter are sent off the edge of the building.

In an instant, Peter's instinct kicks in and he shoots a web to the edge, his arm wrapping around Shiloh, and he catches the two of them while the helicopter flies off. Shiloh's grip is tight around Peter's neck, holding on as tight as her arms will allow her just in case Peter's arm slips and he drops her.

It was the smartest decision but they were talking about shooting him and Shiloh isn't gonna let that happen. If she can't shoot him, no one else gets to, either. So, having Harley shoot the top of the roof and cause an explosion so Shiloh and Peter can jump off the side of the building seemed like a far better idea.

There's anger shooting through Peter's veins as his arm holds Shiloh against him and his other hand is holding the web. Of all the asinine things she could have done, this? Yeah, that's up on the list of absolute idiocy. She could have killed herself. For him. And it's like no matter what Peter does, Shiloh is put in danger. Protecting him or fighting him or both. He's furious, boiling at every point of his body but he looks to her and her helmet isn't covering her face and he doesn't yell. He's still pissed and ready to get her off of him and take off but he doesn't yell.

Shiloh's head is still buried against Peter and she can fly but Peter also knows she has a thing with heights, kind of like him. And he knows jumping off of a building isn't easy. He can hear her heart thundering against her ribcage, the way it always does when she's scared. And he's so pissed off that Shiloh would risk her life for him but there's a softness that falls over him as he looks at her cower into him.

"I got us." Peter says quietly, his head dipping against hers just enough for her to feel him.

Shiloh's eyes open and she immediately looks down, not fond of the sight but then she looks up and the white eyes of the mask aren't narrowed or wide. They're just there.

"Thanks." Her voice is small like a mouse but it's there and her heart starts to slow, knowing Peter isn't gonna let go.

Peter wants to tell her she's an idiot and to stop risking her for life him. He wants to just start going off and tell her all of his worries and fears and nightmares but he doesn't. He can't. Not now. Not when Harley is standing on the edge above them and Peter's high on emotions.

"You're an idiot, Shiloh!" Harley yells, looking over the edge.

Shiloh lets out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, her eyes lingering on Peter before moving to Harley and back to Peter. "Yeah," She nods. "But it worked." She looks back up to Harley and his helmet dissolves so Shiloh can see him roll his eyes.

"Well, hurry up. They'll be back soon." Harley urges, getting the feeling he might have interrupted something unsaid and he backs away to give Peter and Shiloh a moment.

There's a small tinge of jealousy that hits Peter. Him and Shiloh were the two that used to work like that, work in perfect unison as a team. They knew what the other was going to do without even thinking about it and he knows he gave that up the second he started distancing himself from her and the second he hung up that mask but it doesn't make it easy.

"You can come with us--"

"No." Peter groans, shaking his head and he releases Shiloh from his grasp, her grip being the only thing holding her to him and her eyes go as wide as they can and Shiloh's voice gets stuck in her throat when Peter just shoots another web to the top of the building and attaches the other end to her. " _Stay away_." He mutters, before detaching himself and getting on his way, this time going down the building and going on foot between buildings, out of sight as much as possible.

Shiloh's heart falls as she watches Peter until he's out of sight before she looks up to Harley and shrugs her shoulders. "I tried."

"Yeah?" Harley asks. "Explain that to your dad when this airs." Harley points at a news helicopter now circling by them.

Shiloh closes her eyes and shakes her head, disappointed in herself. Harley bends down and pulls Shiloh up by the webbing, helping detach her once he gets her to the rooftop. He shakes his head at her before putting one hand on each of her shoulders.

"Are you okay?" He asks, looking Shiloh up and down.

Shiloh nods. "Yeah, no I'm fine." She gives him a soft nod.

"We should get to the tower, then?" He asks, brows pinching together.

He's annoyed with Shiloh since it was a stupid idea and it could have gotten her, Peter, Harley, and the cops in the helicopter injured but the anger and annoyance fades quickly, just wanting to make sure Shiloh didn't get hurt in any of it and she isn't gonna start collapsing on him.

"Yeah, I gotta do a treatment." Shiloh says, feeling the weakness start in her limbs while her body temp slowly starts to rise.

"Let's get you back then." Harley gives Shiloh a gentle smile, his helmet dissolving over his face while hers does the same.

The two of them take the air and Shiloh mind falls on Peter. It's different. Peter's usually meaner, harsher but he wasn't. He was almost gentle with her and she wants to know if he's going to turn around. But she also wants to know what's wrong with him. That leg shouldn't be hurt and it is. What if it's bad? What if that leg gets him caught one day and Shiloh's not there to help him? What if it gets him killed? It'll be her fault for not doing enough.  _What if it kills him_?


	7. to be a hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks are in italics and thoughts are in bold and italics

Shiloh stares at the gold number on her apartment door, a sigh falling from her lips. Her heart is heavy and her head aches. She doesn't want to go inside knowing Cindy is going be in there, fired up and ready for a fight. The texts Cindy sent mentioning a missed lunch, a missed dinner, and then the news footage of her, Harley, and Peter say it all. And truthfully, Shiloh would have just stayed at the tower and dealt with the downfall of Cindy tomorrow but Harley wasn't a much better option.

* * *

_As they got back to the tower, Harley was quiet, something Shiloh could have sworn was physically impossible. Harley? Quiet? About anything and everything? Yeah, right. But he was. He was silent all through walking through the tower and to the med bay, Tony ranting the entire time about their asine decision to get Peter away from the cops. Shiloh didn't bother to argue either but she at least had a few "sorry, dad's." to add in, but Harley was silent. Fully silent until Shiloh was hooked up to an IV. And then he snapped._

_"You're gonna kill yourself going after him and I can't watch it."_ _Harley crosses his arms, jaw squared off._

_"You sound like Cindy." Shiloh mutters, looking to the IV sticking in her arm._

_"Maybe because she's right! And you're a fucking idiot!"_ _Harley's arm extends out as he stares down at her with a creased forehead, vein sticking out in his neck._

_"Ouch."_

_"God, you call me whenever something goes wrong which is pretty regularly actually and I'm just supposed to sit by and watch this? Let you kill yourself either by the hands of your fuck-ups involving Peter or because you're too wrapped in protecting from his own consequences that this," Harley gestures to the IV. "Is gonna kill you?"_

_"I'm not gonna die." Shiloh shrugs, her voice not even rising in the slightest._

_"You're that in denial?" Harley questions with a scoff, completely in disbelief. "Ya know what?" Harley shakes his head. "Whatever." Harley mutters. "You're like my sister and I'm always gonna have your back but," Harle pauses and he wants to continue going off but there's no use. She's not going to give up on Peter. "Forget it." He says, face still pink from yelling_ _before he turns away from her and goes towards the door._

_"Harley!" Shiloh calls after him._

_"I'm gonna go on a walk." Harley mumbles, walking out of the room and not even responding when Shiloh calls after him once more._

* * *

Realistically, today wasn't Shiloh's smartest decision, putting civilians at risk is never the smartest decision but she has made a dumber decision. According to her, being Rhodey's stow-away to Wakanda to fight an army of aliens was arguably her dumbest decision, especially since she died. But she does understand why everyone is pissed off at her for it.

One day, no one is gonna care that she's in the way and today was proof of that. One day, Peter is gonna do something and Shiloh is going to stand in the way but they won't care. At that point, she'll be more of an accomplice than anything and they'll take her down, too.

She's supposed to have bigger things to worry about like her own health but she's too worried about Peter to do it. It's a hard pill to swallow which is why she won't, but she understands so she holds her frustration with her parents and Harley in, because she gets it. But with that comes going home, to her apartment with her girlfriend, and that means an argument that Shiloh can feel will be their last.

Shiloh lets out one last breath before she puts her key into the keyhole and unlocks the door. With reluctance, she pushes it open and walks inside, the sound of the TV playing immediately hits her ears. It's like she's walking on eggshells as she walks into the apartment, not wanting to make any noise like maybe if she doesn't make a sound, Cindy won't start the inevitable fight. Maybe Cindy will asleep and Cindy can breathe. But, no matter how quiet Shiloh is, Cindy is awake and she heard the door open.

"Are you kidding me?" Cindy asks as she meets Shiloh in the kitchen.

"Um," Shiloh shakes her head, her ponytail swinging behind her. "No?" She squints an eye.

"Really?" Cindy glares at her. "Where do I even start?"

"Probably with lunch and you'll follow that with dinner and then Peter and then you'll end it with something about how I'm a terrible girlfriend." Shiloh snarks. If they're gonna fight, might as well kick it off strong.

Cindy's eyes widen with fury and her nostrils flare as Shiloh leans a hand on the counter and gestures her other hand out, signaling for Cindy to start talking. "Fine, yeah. You missed lunch and this time it wasn't because you were working or because you were fighting Peter, no. You were with Harley."

"Yeah, he comes to town every few months so I forgot. I didn't know he was coming, Sorry about lunch." Shiloh's voice flat and lacking any form of remorse, sick of the same argument every single night.

"You're not sorry!" Cindy yells. "If you were sorry, you would have returned my text about it! I get you don't see him often and that's fine, but a text would have been nice, Shiloh."

"Alright," Shiloh mutters. "I'm sorry I didn't text you."

Cindy rolls her eyes with the flat response. "And yeah, I'm pissed about dinner but you haven't been here for dinner in months so I guess I shouldn't have expected anything else, right?"

"I've been home for two weeks." Shiloh snaps.

"Yeah! Checking your phone every five fucking minutes and looking like a sad puppy every time it's not about Peter! That's not being home! And where do you go?" Cindy questions, voice accusing and filling with venom. "Every single night, you leave, where the hell are you?"

"I'm sorry!" Shiloh screams, her face turning red. "I don't know what the fuck you expect from me, alright? I can't do it all!" Shiloh dodges the last question, Cindy slowly but surely proving Shiloh's exact point on not telling her about treatments. She doesn't listen. What they both want and what they need are two completely different things.

"I am asking for the bare minimum from you!"

"It doesn't fucking feel like it!"

Silence. It's a deafening kind of silence that consumes the two of them as they stare at each other and it's not the kind that's going to lead to a big crying apology followed by a sex scene like in all the romance films. This is full of anger and annoyance, betrayal and hurt, maybe even hatred. Hatred for what they've become, not each other but hatred nonetheless and they're both just waiting for the other to say something, give the other one a reason to just call it quits.

"Ya know," Cindy breaks the silence first, her voice no longer strained with screaming. "I didn't sign up to date a hero."

Shiloh rolls her eyes and scoffs. "I'm not a hero."

Cindy shakes her head and her face is contorted in something between disbelief and exhaustion. "Yes, you are."

"I'm not--"

"Yeah! You are, Shiloh! You're Iron Man." Cindy says and it catches Shiloh completely off guard, so much so, for the first time in her life, Shiloh doesn't have anything to say, she doesn't know what to say. "Yeah, that's right. You are! When was the last time your dad put on a suit and actively tried to prevent threats? I know he did with May but we can agree that's different. You said yourself your dad hasn't been out saving people, it's like Iron Man has been put to rest. But, that's it. You're taking that over! You're Iron Man whether you like it or not!"

Shiloh fist hits the countertop. "I'm not Iron Man! I'm not some fucking hero! I'm not the villain and I'm not the hero--"

"So, you're a bystander? No, you're not. That's me. I'm the bystander that gets killed in the crossfire. You're the hero. A shitty one, but you are because of Peter. He's a villain and you're a hero."

"That's bullshit and you know it!"

Shiloh doesn't want to be a hero. She's okay following her parents' footsteps, but sometimes, it gets under her skin and Cindy saying she's her dad, literally, is pissing her off. Cindy can claim Shiloh is Iron Man but Shiloh vividly remembers a fight they had where Cindy had called Tony a bad dad for being a hero and now, with this fight and where it's going, Shiloh regrets more than ever not following her gut and ending it right then and there. She thought with her heart, not her head.

"Are you even hearing yourself?"

"Peter's not a villain! And I'm not a fucking hero!"

"Then what the fuck is he? What are you?"

"He's my friend and I'm me. That's all there is." Shiloh sucks in a breath. "It's not always about good and bad, right and wrong. Things aren't black and white. Not everyone is just a hero and by default everyone else is a villain or just existing. Everyone has good and bad in them and sometimes, people act poorly. But sometimes, there's a damn good reason. He is my friend and I'm his, whether he's going to admit that now or not. It's not black and white."

Cindy fumes and completely disregards most of what Shiloh is trying to explain to her. "He isn't your friend, Shiloh! He tells you he hates you all the time. He used a grenade--"

"Web grenade, there's a difference." Shiloh's voice is tired, exhausted of having to repeat herself and being shut down time and time again.

"Whatever! A web grenade on you, he _electrocuted_  you!! He used tech _you_  helped create  _against you_! He attacks and hurts you every chance he gets! What the fuck else would that make him?"

"You don't even know him!" Shiloh screams, her throat raw.

"He's an addict for god's sake! He's not the same person you knew!"

"Fuck off with that! And fuck you for always using that! He was my friend first and he'll always be my friend!"

"You're delusional! He doesn't give a shit about you! If you cared like you say you do, you would have put him in rehab--"

"Shut the fuck up, Cindy! I fucking promised May. I promised her and MJ that I would always look after Peter no matter what and they're both fucking DEAD. they both DIED because I couldn't be there. I was too fucking slow. I chose to ignore my phone one fucking time for five minutes and MJ died! I bailed Peter out and then May died! I promised them I would look after Peter long before any of that and I have held up to it because I can't break a promise to the dead." There's the smallest crack in Shiloh's voice, speaking of MJ and May, remembering making that promise to them and everything just hurts.

"They're dead and you will be, too." Cindy's voice starts to break. "You know what, answer this, is really about the promise you made to two people who are dead or is there something more?" The lack of empathy in Cindy's voice throws Shiloh off.

"What?"

"You told me when I asked about Peter, after you told me he was Spider-Man that you two had kissed. Is that what's going on here?" Cindy crosses her arms. "Are you in love with him or something? Is that where you go every night?"

"We were  ** _sixteen_**! How the fuck am I delusional when you're bringing up shit from when I was a teenager? And I, uh, died? In case you forgot  _that_  part of the story? He died. We died and then we came back. We both fucking died in a war at six-fucking-teen years old when we were supposed to be on a damn field trip and then we came back and were thrown into another fucking war against the same fucking army we lost against! Nothing fucking came from that! We never even dated and we were teenagers!"

"Then this should be easy," Cindy shrugs. "Me or Peter? Your choice. If there's nothing really there and there never was, you'll choose me. I'll date a hero but I won't date a tragic one who dies because she's too busy killing herself over someone she could beat."

Shiloh's heart aches but there' no question here. It's easy. It's always Peter, no matter what it's always Peter. They were friends first and while they might be on the rocks, more-so than Shiloh will admit, he was her friend first. And Peter would never even dream about ever making Shiloh pick between him and anyone. But, Cindy is making her choose and Cindy just doesn't understand. Peter needs help and it'll kill Shiloh one day, but she will not give up on him. So, it's always Peter. No hesitation. No questions asked. Peter.

"Peter." Shiloh says without even a thought.

"What?" Cindy's face falls and her voice cracks while her eyes water.

"Peter. You tell me to choose between you and Peter, guess what, it's Peter every fucking day of the week. Why? Because Peter never would ever make me choose between him and you. He never would make me choose between anyone and you're making me choose. If you care about someone, you don't make them choose between you and someone they care about. Today, you make me choose between you and Peter because Peter's an addict and he's drowning himself. So, tomorrow, you'll make me choose between you and my dad because my dad is an alcoholic, right? He's still an addict even though he's been sober for years. And what's next? You'll make me choose between you and Harley because Harley will take over the company and I'll be working under him? You don't  _listen_."

"I-I didn't...." Cindy trails off, immediately regretting her decision.

"You don't understand what Peter means to me even though I have explained this over and over and over again. So, Peter. I choose Peter." Shiloh shrugs her shoulders with a disappointed shake of her head.

Shiloh walks past her and heads to the bedroom, Cindy on her heels. "I'll be at the tower. You can stay here until you find somewhere else to live, just keep picking up your side of the rent and I'll do the same."

"Wait." Cindy moves in front of Shiloh. "What are you saying?"

"In case it was apparent by that argument, we're," Shiloh moves a finger between the two of them. "Over. This, it's done. You don't ever make me choose between people because I will pick them every single time. And, I can't handle you using things I tell you in confidence against me. We are done. Move." Shiloh says and her voice is thick with venom but she doesn't raise her voice, she just waits for Cindy move and when she does, Shiloh goes to packing up a bag.

Cindy never thought Shiloh would walk out because while her best efforts to keep the relationship have fallen short, the point is that Shiloh does try. It was an argument and Cindy didn't mean most of what she said and she wants to argue, tell Shiloh it was all a mistake and she takes it back but Shiloh already has half a bag packed and she isn't slowing down. She's done.

The break up has been a long time coming and now it's here and while Shiloh feels bad and her heart does ache for the lost love, she's more relieved than anything. She's always walking on eggshells around Cindy, trying to keep the relationship together and knowing she's failing miserably at it. But, now, she can breathe again. She can leave and she doesn't have to come back. This chapter needs to close and Shiloh is ready for it.

She finishes packing a bag and heads out, telling Cindy that she can take her time to find an apartment. Shiloh knows Cindy doesn't have anywhere else to go and she won't just kick her out. Shiloh pays three-fourths of the rent, Cindy can't cover it on her own. Shiloh isn't gonna let her be homeless or stressed out for finding somewhere new. She's pissed but she's not heartless. And after that's all said and done, Shiloh leaves but not to the tower. After her fight with Harley and then her fight with Cindy, she just wants to be alone. And by alone, that means sitting on a barstool in a bar having a few beers.

* * *

While Shiloh spends her night at the bar, Harley is standing outside of Peter's apartment door thanks to Ned for texting him the address. The flat part of his fist is banging on the door, not leaving any room for silence between bangs.

The walk didn't clear his head as much as he would like. In fact, all it did was get him thinking more, his mind running over and over about everything between Peter and Shiloh. As individuals and together.

It lead him back to the tower after Shiloh had gone and he retrieved Shiloh's medical records, something he's certain Tony actually wanted him to find since it was easy to access for him. Seeing the results and the declining health of his best friend on the holographic screen said it all and he needs to do something. And he never does anything.

He never steps in. Shiloh can handle herself just fine. He doesn't agree with everything she does but he stands behind her in case she falls as she does with him. He's protective, not overbearing, not until now because he doesn't step in, but if he doesn't try, he's afraid of the end result.

"What do you want?" Peter asks with annoyance, the door opening and leaving Harley with his arm in the air.

"You have to _let her go_." Harley says, his eyes are cold but the creases in his forehead show his worry.

Peter quirks a brow. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Go away." Peter goes to shut the door but Harley's hand catches it, pushing it open and Peter stumbles on his bad leg.

"Look," Harley sucks in a breath and he knows he has to figure out a way to say this without saying too much. "She's going to  _die_  if you don't let her go."

Peter's heart stutters just for a second with Harley's words and he knows what Harley means but he wants clarity. "I-I don't have her?"

"You know what I mean, Parker." Harley scolds. "I don't care how you do it but you have to let her go. She won't listen to me and she's going to die if she keeps going after you." There's panic in Harley's voice, him trying to hide it but Peter could pick up on panic even from cities away.

"She's fine." Peter says, his voice unconvincing and treading with some curiosity, not that he would actually know.

"Yeah? What happened when she was kidnapped when she was ten? If you know everything, what happened?" Harley questions.

Peter's brows furrow as he shakes his head, recalling the story. "Um...her and Pepper were taken by Kilian. Tony and Rhodey saved them." Peter answers.

Peter remembers the story. Shiloh told him once, after they had become friends. They were up one night, way later than they should have been just sharing things that happened to the both of them, mostly the things that make them who they are and Shiloh brought up when she was kidnapped.

Shiloh were still living in Malibu with her parents, before they all were to move to New York and into the tower. Killian had what he would call was a bright idea using extremis and he kidnapped Pepper and her. Shiloh told Peter about how they tortured Pepper with extremis and played it for Tony to watch. But, Tony and Rhodey were able to take down the men working with Killian and save not only Pepper and her but also the president. It's a story for the books, one Peter can remember every detail Shiloh relayed because it was the first time she was kidnapped and it scared him. What if she were kidnapped again and someone actually hurt her? And then it did happen. Because of him.

But, yeah, he remembers the story of Shiloh being kidnapped.

"That's it, right?" Harley asks, knowing the answer.

Peter wants to be annoyed with Harley disturbing him but he's only seen Harley genuinely concerned one other time and that was when he showed up at the hospital after Doc Oc. So, Peter keeps his snark to a minimum.

"T-that, uh, that's what she told me. Why...?" Peter asks and Harley sees the hard exterior almost melt away from him and the Peter he knows is somewhere in there.

"Exactly. She doesn't tell you everything." Harley says and it's leaving Peter more confused than ever. "I'm telling you she's dying and Tony and Banner are trying to figure out how to fix her but nothing is working. She needs to focus on helping them if she wants to live and she can't do that if she's chasing you. I don't care what you do, Parker, but you need to  _let her go_."

"I don't ask her to chase me." Peter argues and he can feel his heart breaking, not wanting to believe what Harley is saying but he can hear KAREN like an echo saying there's something wrong with Shiloh.

"Hey, you made a promise to me, on your own accord, that you would take care of her. I have never asked you to uphold that but you have. So, I'm asking now. Somewhere behind all whatever the fuck you are now, there's the kid I knew and the one Shiloh is trying to save for fuck knows what reason. Be that person again, or at least just one more time and keep her safe. Dude," Harley's eyes start to go a little misty, Peter hearing Harley's heart starts to race and his voice cracks just enough for Peter to hear it. "Please, change or... _let her go_."

Peter's eyes go to the floor and everything he's done, it's to protect himself from getting hurt and it's to protect the last people who care about him. Harley is asking Peter to go back on that, to just get rid of every effort Peter has put into this. And no one gets that Peter has to blame someone for everything that's happened if it's not Shiloh, it's himself and he doesn't know if can mentally handle taking every ounce of the blame for the deaths that have stacked up because of him. But, Harley has a point. The old Peter, the one who believed that he could do good things for other people, he had a moral obligation to do those things is still in there. But where? And can that Peter fight off the sinister skeleton in the back of his mind, can he fight off the dark and twisty branches dragging him under?

"She's  _family_." Harley says and his voice is soft, almost too soft.

Peter sucks in a breath and his head just barely nods, not even enough to make the loose curl on his forehead move. "Um..." Peter matches Harley's eyes, seeing the desperation in the deep blues. "I'll, uh, ye-yeah, I'll make sure she lays off."

Harley scratches the back of his head and he feels stupid for thinking this could turn Peter around. Peter's answer wasn't reassuring. Shiloh's been wearing off on him, giving him hope when he shouldn't.

"If you hurt her--"

"I got it." Peter cuts him off, not wanting to get threatened and not even having a full thought about how he's really going to get Shiloh to leave him alone.

Harley licks his lips but he nods, holding back his tongue. It's good enough. That's all he's going to get from Peter so there's no use in hanging out or asking what he even plans to do. He knew that going into it and it was stupid for him to get his hopes set on Peter immediately wanting to turn around. Harley knows better. Be optimistic but don't overshoot it.

Harley doesn't say another word before he turns around, slowly and still holding his tongue before looking over his shoulder and finally walking away. Peter shuts the door and leans against it, his eyes going to his leg, the throbbing almost unbearable and he looks to the cabinet near the counter, knowing what used to be inside. The temptation of it all is enough to get Peter's head swimming and his blood pumping. But, Peter closes his eyes and he breathes for a few minutes, just breathes, shallow but enough. And he needs to get  _out_.

"KAREN?" Peter asks, the earpiece always in his ear.

"Yes, Peter?"

"Have you found out what's wrong with her yet? Did you ever get access?" Peter asks and he pushes against the door, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood as he limps to the bedroom.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I still can't access the files. I was blocked from all files." KAREN explains and Peter shakes his head, figuring he wouldn't be able to find anything out.

KAREN notified him when Shiloh tried getting into the tech of his suits to shut everything down so Peter went in after her. Only, he already backed up all of his coding and set up plenty of walls and trap doors for her not to get through. Instead, he used what he created through the coding to try and access the files at the tower, the ones she could access with ease, none of the company files.

He didn't have much luck, which he also figured, but he hoped that maybe KAREN would have better luck as she is Stark tech. Maybe KAREN could access Shiloh's medical files and find out what's wrong with her. He claims to hate her but that doesn't mean it doesn't keep him up at night. And he needed to know how bad off Shiloh was. Before Harley came by, Peter already had it in the back of his mind that if something were really wrong, something would have to change.

"What do you think Harley means? That she doesn't tell me everything? We haven't been friends in a year." Peter explains, more to himself than to his AI while he slides on the red and black Spider-Man suit.

"I'm not sure." KAREN responds. "Do you think he knows something you don't?"

"Obviously, he does." Peter quips. "Wait..." Peter trails off and he starts piecing together what Harley said and there's parts of Peter that don't want to believe it.

For only a second, he thought maybe Harley was bullshitting him just to get him to stop, try and turn him good again or whatever Harley wanted but Peter could hear the tremble in his voice and the speed of his heart. He could sense the panic and fear radiating off of the blonde.

Harley wouldn't slip like that, right? Harley wouldn't intentionally tell Peter what's wrong with Shiloh without directly stating it, right? Peter's just overthinking it all. He has to be overthinking this but the more he fights with himself over this the more he knows he's not overthinking. The more he focuses, the more he knows Harley wouldn't slip without purpose. Harley isn't lying.

It's like the walls start closing in on him and Peter's smart, he knows what's wrong. He knows what's killing her even if he doesn't know why. Harley told him with context clues and now he's  _scared_.

_**No, no, no, no. Not her, too.** _

It's true, she's dying and Peter knows why. She lied to him and he needs to get out right now. Needs out of the apartment. Needs to run and swing and focus on the pain radiating through his missing limb because that's better than focusing on the spinning and drowning of his own thoughts. He has to move.

"Is something wrong?" KAREN asks.

"N-no," Peter shakes his head, putting on his mask. "It's fine, nothing."

"Where are we going? You should stay home. Your leg--"

"KAREN," Peter groans, making his way to his fire escape. "I'm fine." Peter says and he makes his way out, the AI staying quiet and Peter scales the building, breathing in the air of Queens, allowing his head to clear from thoughts and only focus on the pain he swears he deserves.

* * *

The bar Shiloh chose to drink at has quieted down over the past few hours given the weekday hours. She's not even drunk, really, a little buzzed but that's it, something she's always been mindful because of Tony. But, nonetheless, she stayed at the bar for hours on end, dodging texts from Harley, Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy. It means she's been sipping on three total beers all night and it's caused a horrible aftertaste to fill her taste buds but it's something.

However, the night does go on and she finishes her third beer and she calls it a night. The fight she had with Cindy still weighs on her mind but she doesn't regret it and her blood isn't boiling from it. She's over the fight she had with Harley and she's ready to go home. She wants her own bed and wants to forget the day even happened, try again tomorrow. Be  _better,_  tomorrow. So, she leaves and starts walking, the summer night air feeling soft against her arms while the pavement is slick under her shoes from a small rain shower.

Realistically, she should have called for a ride or even just used the suit and flown back to the tower. The tower is a bit of hike back from where she is but it's a nice night and she truly didn't think too much about it, later she would blame the buzz from the beer for the decision.

For once, Shiloh wanted to walk and walk for a long time to just enjoy the feeling of the city at night, not needing armor or someone on her side. But, it's the city and it's not the best area and it's night, cops don't patrol around her too often. She's intoxicated and seemingly a perfect target for the night as she cuts through a vacant parking lot.

"Where're you goin' this time of night?" A voice comes from behind Shiloh, goosebumps covering her body in an instant.

She's on guard in a second, ready to turn around and face whoever is trying to catcall her. It wouldn't be the first time it's ever happened, unfortunately, but hey, that's why she has a watch gauntlet and that's why she has the necklace that always contains the nanotech armor. It's why she was trained by Nat and Clint and Steve. She's always prepared but she's rarely intoxicated and she's never outnumbered, not until now.

Before she has time to turn or even think any decision all the way through, she's being ambushed by three men. Two men grab each of her arms while the third comes from around her and wastes no time in connecting his fist with her face. Shiloh screams out in pain, her knees almost buckling from impact. She can feel the regret seeping through her body, the regret of going out and drinking, regret of walking and not calling a cab, even regret of fighting with Cindy because maybe this is karma.

"Shiloh Stark." The man in front of her says while the other two get her to her knees, their feet holding her legs to the ground as she struggles against them. "Give me your ATM card." He says.

He's big and white, bald, a few tattoos running down his right arm. If he didn't have a Boston accent, Shiloh would have guessed he was from a state down south in a town that only believes in guns and men having control over women. Shiloh tries to look at the man on her right who's got her arm pinned behind her back and her leg digging into the hard and wet pavement of the parking lot.

"Bold of you to assume I need an ATM card." Shiloh snarks and really she's just stalling.

By the grip the other men have on her, they're probably the same size as the guy in front of her and it's not like they're unfit. It's muscle. And maybe she should have been keeping up with Nat and training a little bit more like she was supposed to because she's certain, Nat would have been out of this mess in seconds, not on her knees with a throbbing eye socket.

 _Slap_. It's hard and stings, Shiloh's eyes slamming shut while the taste of iron floods her mouth.

"Don't get smart."

"I don't have an ATM card." Shiloh remarks, spitting blood off to the side.

The man doesn't say anything, just looks to the guy on Shiloh's left and he lets go just enough to rip Shiloh's bag from her and toss it to the man in front of them before grabbing her again. Shiloh rolls her eyes and watches as he goes through the few pieces of clothing she stuffed in the bag. He seems disgruntled by having to dig through clothes, tossing them to wet pavement as he digs.

Shiloh's silently cursing herself for the entire night but there's nothing she can do about it now. The most she can do focus on is that the necklace she has on is outside of her shirt, recording the entire situation and she hasn't said the word yet. She says the right word and MARTY contacts help. After the third time Shiloh got into a bit of trouble and got herself out of it only for her dad and others to show up minutes later, Shiloh fixed that problem, setting up a type of safe word for MARTY in case she's actually in real danger. She still has hope she can get out of this without anything too bad. A black eye and bloody lip is nothing.

"Ah, here." He tosses her bag to the side and holds up her wallet, looking through it only to see her ID and a few dollars in cash. He looks at her and tosses her wallet off to the side, bending down and grabbing the back of her hair. "Where is your money? You're a Stark, you have plenty."

Shiloh scoffs, the scent of beer on her breath making the man almost grimace. "It's my dad's. I don't carry money or credit cards if I'm gonna be out."

That's a lie. Her credit card is in her wallet but it's sealed in an almost invisible compartment. Tony's idea. All of them have one, but just them and it's to prevent this exact situation.

He yanks her head back and let's go before he stands, kicking her legs and then taking a kick to her stomach. Tears threaten to spill from the corners of her eyes as she coughs, the men holding her up not letting her double over. It's like the wind's been knocked out of her and she can barely breathe when another punch lands on her face and she's almost ready to call the word, knowing she won't be able to get out of this, but then, there's a thud off to the right of them.

The four of them look over, Shiloh's head spinning slightly but she'd known the red and black suit anywhere.

_**Peter?** _

He's been watching the situation for only a minute, luckily. He was on his way back to his own apartment when his spidey sense started to make his head throb and the hairs on his arms stand on end. He heard the sounds of skin on skin contact and smelled the scent of blood as he got closer. But, that's not what made him even stop and look.

He was fine just going from rooftop to rooftop, ignoring muggings as he normally does, but he heard it. He heard  _Shiloh's_  heartbeat. And he smelled  _her_  shampoo and  _her_ body wash. And he had to stop. He looked down to see three men holding her and the one beating her up and maybe if he interrupted it'd scare them off. That'd be it.

"Spider-Man?" Shiloh questions, gaining a furrowed glare from the man in front of her.

Peter nods at her but he keeps walking past them and it's killing Peter. This could be bad and he knows that. But, he's interrupting. Most mugging stop once they've been interrupted so maybe they'll leave. He can't be a hero. They see him and maybe they'll leave, that's the plan. But as Peter keeps walking, the men's grip doesn't even loosen on Shiloh. Instead, they just watch as the white Spider symbol stares back on them. And Peter listens, listens closely, waiting for the sound of movement because the guilt is killing him.

"You're not gonna help?" Shiloh calls, just barely able to look over her shoulder.

Harley said he had to let her go. He never specified how. And while this is really gonna go in the record books for one of the worst things Peter's ever done, it's something he feels he has to do. These guys will leave. They won't do anything else to her. They'll leave but the point will be made. Peter will uphold his promise to Harley as he has for years. It'll cost him though.

"Actually," Peter turns around and Shiloh's eyes soften just a little, just enough for Peter to feel the knife in his heart go a little deeper. "No, I will take your wallet though." He keeps his voice calm and leveled while he shoots a web, taking the wallet from the ground and turning back around.

Seconds to turn hours as Peter starts walking, eyes on the wet pavement as he curses himself with every limp. He's had to do a lot of hard things but stealing Shiloh's wallet and leaving her with three muggers has to be the worst and it's like he's trying to walk through quicksand with the weight of guilt tied around his ankles. His breathing is shallow and he can feel the burning behind his eyes start when he hears Shiloh yell out in pain, the yell accompanied by the sound of skin on skin contact.

Peter's eyes close as he fights back tears, barely even picking up his feet to walk. And all he can do is set his full focus on just listening to her heartbeat, even the constant thundering of her heart growing slow as if it's all happening in slow motion. But Peter can hear her heart and that means she's alive, she's alive with a beating heart but then it stops, just for a split second, Peter hears her heart stop and then everything pauses.

His spidey senses start going haywire. Everything amplifies and every hair of his body is standing on end while his heart races. His eyes dart back and forth and he stops in his tracks while it feels like he's just had a shot of adrenaline. And he can smell the metal of a gun. He turns back around without even a second thought and he's met with the heart-stopping sight of Shiloh looking down the barrel of a gun. And Peter only has one thought.

**_Not her, too._ **

"Hey!" Peter calls with more venom than he ever has before and the man holding the gun looks to Peter. "If you're gonna shoot somebody, shoot me!" The eyes of Peter's mask narrow with his words, the man moving the gun up to Peter and away from Shiloh, and then the echo of a gunshot consumes the vacant parking lot.


	8. the consequences of heroism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stand alone italics are thoughts!!

One of the things that comes with being in the position of a hero, thought and processing happen at the speed of light. Reactions are fast, almost as if they were instinct based, not taught. Everything just happens. There's no thought being put into what had just happened to cause the act of heroism. The body moves and the brain just functions, controlling and not allowing the person to panic, feel pain, just beat whatever force they're supposed to be some type of hero against. For some, it is training, like Shiloh and for others, it's instinct, like Peter. But for the both them, thought, processing, and reaction happen at the same time.

The shot rings, bouncing off wet pavement and the standing building at the edge of the parking lot. It catches the two men on Shiloh's sides by surprise and their grip loosens just enough for Shiloh to twist out of their grip, going to her wrist for the watch gauntlet in a fluid motion while Peter is shooting a web at the man with a gun.

Seconds are minutes as Shiloh kicks and punches the two men who held her while the gun is yanked away from the shooter. The second the gun if out of the picture, Peter is moving forward, moving forward and shooting two web grenades at the men that held Shiloh, both of them being slammed into the wall and getting stuck to it. All this while Shiloh shoots the man who held the gun to her head and Peter shoots a web right after the impact of the gauntlet hits him, webbing him to the wall as well.

It all happened at the same time, Shiloh and Peter not needing to even look at the other to know who would do what or who would go for who. It just happens. It's all like an instinct to them. It's been a year since they've worked together and it's like nothing has changed. They still work in sync, falling into old patterns but that doesn't change what just took place.

Act first, process the full situation later. It's been thirty seconds, three men are webbed to the wall, and it's _later_.

She bends down and starts grabbing her wet clothes, shoving them back in her bag while Peter, now less than a foot away, hands her her wallet. All she can do is look at him before snatching it back and shoving it into her bag. She's somewhere between wanting to rip off his webshooters and use a web grenade on him and make  _him_  stick to a building until the fluid dissolves and wanting to make sure he's okay.

She didn't actually see if he were shot or not. It's something Nat taught her on the off chance she was ever in this situation. Don't look, focus and wait for the way to get out. She didn't watch and she was able to escape at the right time. So, for all Shiloh knows, Peter's been shot but he _was_  going to leave her to three strange men in the middle of the vacant parking lot at night.

"Are you out of your mind!?" Shiloh stands, eyes wide in disbelief as she tilts her head to the side and shifts her weight to her left foot, voice loud and bellowing. "Are you fucking serious?"

 _Pissed off it is_.

"You're welcome." Peter mutters and turns away from her, towards the direction of his apartment and he starts limping, pain starting to become more evident on the right side of his body.

_Oh, this is bad._

"Uh, nu-uh." Shiloh jogs beside him, shrugging her backpack onto her shoulders. "You were gonna fucking leave me? Are you fucking insane?" Shiloh screams at him, her easily keeping up with Peter thanks to the limp that seems to be getting worse.

"I didn't." Peter says, his head straight and he wants her to  _shut up_.

"But you were going to!" Shiloh screams and there's a break in her voice.

There's fire burning through Peter's veins as he grows more annoyed. She really believes he would have left her and not hung out to make sure they weren't going to do anything worse to her? He's not a hero anymore but he wouldn't let someone,  _anyone_ , do more than what they did already.

Peter whips around to face her, his eyes widening as dizziness punches him in the face and pain shoots through his side. "I didn't leave you, Shiloh! Okay? I-I-I turned around." Peter swallows thickly and his hand goes to his side as he starts limping away, warm liquid starting to cover his fingers with every step.

 _Definitely, not good_.

Shiloh watches him, eyes squinted and that's when she sees it. "Peter!" She yells after him, grabbing his arm and pulling it away from his side. "You were shot, you idiot!" Shiloh bends down just enough to get a look at the wound, not having any luck with the blood and surrounding fabric.

Peter looks down to his blood-soaked hand. "Uh, yeah...." Peter's voice is tired as he looks to her.

Truthfully, he didn't realize that he was _shot_ , he thought that the bullet grazed him until Shiloh actually moved his hand and starting looking at the hole through his suit and torso.

"You need a doc--" Shiloh starts but is immediately cut off by Peter.

"NO!" Peter yells at her, eyes of the mask as wide as they could go.

"Peter!"

"No!"

Absolutely not. Under no circumstances was Peter going to go to a doctor even though he knows full and well he does need one. He doesn't know how he's going to solve his getting shot issue without a doctor but if there's a will, there's a way. He can make a few calls.

"You're just gonna walk around with a bullet in you?" The fury Shiloh felt towards the web-slinger melts into panic.

"It's not my first gunshot." Peter mutters with the shrug of his shoulders.

The words weigh heavy and Shiloh knows, oh does Shiloh know because she was there the last time he got shot. She remembers how much blood there was and no matter how many times she has to bear witness to people bleeding, the concept of how much blood the human body actually contains still freaks her out. And the experiences that always go with seeing the blood leave fiberglass wounds in her heart and memories, always painful and haunting.

"You can't let it just sit in your system! What if it hit something important?" Shiloh is aware that Peter's healing factor can and should take care of most of it, as he said, it's not his first gunshot but that doesn't stop her from thinking the worst.

"'M not going to a doctor and I'm not going to the tower." Peter says, looking to the wound that's completely soaked the right side of his suit.

"You have to do something." Rising panic echoes through Shiloh's voice and it vibrates Peter's bones.

He doesn't want to die tonight, that was never his plan. But he's not going to the tower and he's not going to some random doctor. He could make those calls but those calls could lead him to a dead end. That leaves Shiloh. And he has more faith in her than he does in anyone.

"You do it." Peter says and Shiloh blinks once shaking her head and sticking her neck out, waiting for Peter to repeat himself or elaborate or anything that says anything besides that what she thinks he means. "T-take the bullet out."

Shiloh narrows her eyes, the side of her lip up in confusion before she flicks Peter's forehead through the mask, earning a hiss from him. "Do I look like a fucking doctor to you, Parker?"

"Well, uh, I'm not going to a doctor or the tower." Peter says and he's already tired of the debate. He's in pain, he's bleeding out, with every step, it gets harder to walk. He doesn't have time to debate this.

"How much blood have you lost?" Shiloh asks.

Peter shrugs and he can tell he's not quite in the danger zone, and possibly a decent way away based on his prior experience with his leg. He was trapped there for maybe an hour. Sure, the side of his suit is soaked and the pain is becoming obnoxious with every step he makes but he knows he hasn't lost too much blood.

"Um, not as much as you think....probably." Peter answers, plainly.

Shiloh looks towards where Peter's building is located versus the tower that's still about a twenty-minute walk away. She can't believe she's really thinking about this. No amount of training has prepared her to remove a bullet from someone who she called her best friend. But he won't see a doctor. He's not going to come with. He did take a bullet for her, this bullet is because of her. If something goes south, she can knock him and call for help.

"We'll fly, we'll be there in thirty seconds." Shiloh lets out a sigh, pressing her necklace and allowing the suit to coat her body.

Shiloh grabs Peter and the two fly off to Peter's apartment which, under any other circumstances, Shiloh would have muttered something about how absolutely ridiculous they probably looked. Someone in armor carrying an almost limp Spider-Man in the middle of the night. Yeah, that's normal. Totally normal.

They reach Peter's apartment and Shiloh opts for the fire escape, already knowing that's going to be the easiest and quickest route into Peter's apartment. By then, she's having to help him to the couch, his arm slung over her and most of his weight is on her, him barely able to put pressure on the metal leg. Peter's wincing with every movement, pain radiating through his body and his head is going a little foggy from blood loss and pain. There's only a split second that he wishes he were in a hospital, just a split second.

"Uh..." Peter breathes as he's laid on his back on the couch. "Supplies, bathroom behind the mirror 'nd lower cabinet. Tongs in there, too."

Shiloh nods quickly and goes off to the bathroom to grab the supplies. Peter finally takes off his mask and he's coming to the realization that this will be the first time Shiloh has seen his face in a year.

He never takes the mask off around her, ever and now suddenly he is and he looks like  _this_. A shell of who he was, almost a ghost. She'll give him that look. The one that says she wants to protect him from everything and she will if he'll let her. It's the look she always gives him when he's hurt and the same look Peter has been avoiding because it'll make him cave. But, what's he supposed to? Keep a mask on while she takes a bullet out of his side? If he wants her to do this, she needs to see him. It's different looking at a face rather than a mask or a helmet. And he  _needs_  her, not as Spider-Man but as Peter. It just makes Peter feel like he's being stabbed in the heart a few hundred times.

Peter's hand presses to the wound and he looks to the ceiling, almost silently apologizing to May, MJ, and Ben for all of this. And he's questioning why he's like this, why his life is like this, if this is going to be it for him. It all just hurts and the blood is seeping through the couch cushions he'll never be able to get clean. And he just wants it all to stop.

"Okay," Shiloh says in a quick breath, coming back with her arms full of the supplies Peter said. "I got everything." She kneels down on the floor to the side of him and for the first time, she sees his face.

Peter only glances at her, just long enough to see Shiloh's face soften and contort into the look he knew he'd get. It's like she's hit by a bus. His face is covered in cuts and bruises, his cheeks hollow and the color of his face is almost ghost white. The bags under her eyes are so dark they almost match the bruises. And there's red surrounding the cuts that all look like they've been on his face awhile and most of the bruises don't even show hints of healing. He's completely decorated in injuries and Shiloh didn't have a clue.

"Pete--"

" _Don't._ " Peter says, his eyes on the ceiling. "Please."

Shiloh nods and bites the inside of her cheek. "Okay, um...your suit."

Peter presses the button on his chest and Shiloh helps him lean up. He groans out in pain as Shiloh pulls at the arms of the suit, helping get the fabric off of his torso and away from the bullet hole. Tears prick his eyes as he leans back and he needs it all to be over but it hasn't even started yet.

He can feel Shiloh's eyes looking over his torso, not just the blood from the wound. He knows she's looking at the scars he has from all of the fights against villains and all the gashes and cuts and bruises he's gotten from his recent activity, none of which look to be healing.

"Peter, are you--"

"It-it hurts." Peter mutters, cutting her off and moving his eyes to her, keeping his head still.

Shiloh looks to the wound and pushes away the sight of Peter's bruised and beaten body, pushing the lump down her throat with every breath. There's so much blood, blood spilling out every time Peter exhales. Truthfully, she doesn't think she can do it. She went to school for engineering not surgery or anything in the medical profession. Sure, she's cleaned her own wounds and Peter's, stitched them both up plenty of times but this? This is a little different. She needs to dig a bullet out of Peter's abdomen and then stop the bleeding.

"Y-you can do it." Peter mutters, hearing Shiloh's breathing grow shallow and panicked, her heart racing in her chest.

"Yeah, yeah. I know." Shiloh says, her voice unconvincing. "Do you wanna take anything?" She asks and immediately Peter looks to her, glaring before shaking his head and looking back to the ceiling. "It's gonna hurt even more when I start digging around in there."

"It's okay." Peter says quietly, avoiding every urge he has to scream about grabbing him anything that can knock him out.

"I-"

"Shiloh," Peter looks to her. "I-I'm sorry." Peter's eyes go teary and it takes everything in him not to start crying as he looks to her, bruising already forming on both sides of her face.

That voice. It has haunted her in nightmares and dreams, over and over and over for years. Those words, that tone. The pure heartbreak and regret and guilt that just fills his voice is enough to completely break Shiloh. He's only ever been this broken with this voice two other times. When he got to the hospital and was on his deathbed after the building collapsed and when he was going to space, just before he fell from the ship and lost communication. This is the voice Peter goes into when he swears he's going to die. And Shiloh will be damned if Peter dies.

_I cannot lose you, too._

"Okay," Shiloh sucks in a breath and he is not gonna die tonight. "Try not to move." Shiloh pulls out the disinfectant and works on cleaning the tongs and then moving to wipe as much blood from Peter as possible before she cleans around the wound.

Peter screams, moving his arm to his mouth to conceal what he could. Shiloh winces and she tries to go as fast as possible, blood starting to soak her hands and it's getting on her clothes. There's just so much blood.

She reaches for her backpack gives it to Peter. "Find the glasses case. I'm gonna use Marty to find the bullet and give me some direction but if this goes south, I'm calling someone."

Peter removes his arm, the limb shaking as he reaches for her bag. "N-n-not...not Strange."

"Of course not." Shiloh scoffs. "Banner. I'll call Banner." Shiloh reassures him, the both of them still a little bitter with Doctor Strange after the war against Thanos.

"Promise?" Peter asks, handing Shiloh her glasses and putting the case back in the bag and the bag back on the floor.

"I promise." Shiloh says, the glasses lighting up for her see blue stats across the lenses. "Marty, can you locate the bullet in Peter and guide me through all of this?"

"Are you sure, Miss? Should I call--"

"No," Shiloh mutters. "Just tell me what to do."

Shiloh swallows thickly, glancing to Peter and Marty starts telling Shiloh what to do and where the bullet it is. It seems Peter is right, it hasn't hit anything vital but Shiloh does need to get the bullet out relatively soon and stop the bleeding. So, she reaches for the tongs and warns Peter once more that it's going to hurt and she makes the move, sticking the metal into the hole.

Blood squirts out and Peter screams at the top of his lungs, jerking away from her but Shiloh just sits up, pushing on his chest to try and keep him still and her sight on his abdomen where Marty has the bullet highlighted. But, with every move of the tongs, Peter squirms and his screams turn into full-blown wails, tears streaming down his face as he squirms. And blood just pours out of the hole with every movement.

Shiloh's hands start to shake as she tries to keep moving, her own tears starting to blur what she's doing. She can't concentrate with Peter crying and squirming from the pain. All she can do is hope he'll pass out but if hasn't now, he probably won't. But he needs to stop screaming, he needs to stop crying, he needs to stop moving. He needs to stop, the panic completely overwhelming Shiloh.

"Peter!" Shiloh pulls the tongs out of him and places the tongs on his chest, her hands putting pressure on the hole as she looks to him. "You need to stop moving! I can't do this with you moving and screaming!"

"It hurts!" Peter yells, Shiloh feeling a gush of blood hit her hand.

"I told you to take something!"

"Just hurry up!"

"I'm trying but you need to sit still! And stop screaming!"

"Just get it out!"

"I'm trying! But you keep moving!"

"You're horrible at this!"

"I'm sorry! I don't take bullets out of people every day for a fucking living!" Sarcasm drips through Shiloh's words.

"Maybe you should start!" Peter screams back and it's all just him in pain and being frustrated but that doesn't mean it doesn't piss Shiloh off.

"Okay! Cool! I will!!!" Shiloh raises her voice with mock excitement mixed with sarcasm. "Do I look like I have a Ph.D. to you? Lemme go back to the tower and I'll borrow one of Banner's seven!"

"Just make it stop!" Peter screams and this time, it comes out more as a wail.

Shiloh lets herself close her eyes just for a second.

_Breathe._

"Okay, two options:" Shiloh sucks in a breath. "You either tell me where your drugs are and I give 'em to you myself to knock you out or I punch you and knock you out."

Shiloh hates both options. Either contribute to Peter's drug addiction or punch him so hard she has to in order to knock him unconscious. Both of them are going to cause her horrendous guilt but as she looks down to the bloody couch and her blood-soaked hands and jeans, she already knows this is just another event that'll cause nightmares so might as well go big.

Peter sucks in a breath and lays his head back on the arm of the couch and Shiloh's heart sinks, assuming he's about to tell her where he puts his drugs. "Hit me."

Shiloh's eyes widen and the sinking feeling just keeps going like it's just been pushed off the side of Mount Everest. "You really want me to punch you?"

" _Please_." Peter looks at her and pleads, his eyes red and puffy. The cuts and bruises seem pop out now, probably from Peter losing the rest of the coloring in his face from the pain and the blood loss. So, she's not going to question it.

Shiloh pulls her fist back and punches Peter as hard as she can, her fist immediately tingling and a blood print covers the side of Peter's face. But, luckily, it's enough to knock him out. She never expected she would ever feel like she would need to thank Nat in times like these for her training, but apparently, she does. But, that's for later. Now, she has to work on getting a bullet out of Peter and stopping the bleeding. A promise is a promise.

"Okay, Marty, bring up the bullet again." Shiloh says, pushing the quiver of her voice down as she focuses on Peter's bloody abdomen, the bullet highlighted through her glasses.

Shiloh is able to follow Marty's instruction on where the bullet is lodged and she's able to grab it within a few minutes using the tongs. The bullet is placed on the coffee table behind her and now she has to manage to stop the bleeding. The question is how? Taking the bullet out almost seems easy compared to this. But, nonetheless, she follows Marty's instruction to stitch inside the wound as best as she can. This is one of those times where she's glad she actually knows how to apply stitches to other people, not just herself. It's just a bit more difficult given what the wound is. But, the stitches and taking out the bullet aren't the worst part.

"Boss, you need to cauterize the wound." Marty says.

"I'm sorry, you want me to  ** _what_**?" Shiloh looks at the wound and sees more blood still leaking from it with every breath Peter takes. It's slowed down a lot since she applied the few stitches but it's not stopping.

"The bleeding is not stopping." Marty says. "If you cauterize his wound, the bleeding will stop."

"Yeah, I got that but.....isn't there something else I can do?" Shiloh asks.

"I'm sorry, no."

Shiloh feels the tears building again and she has to burn Peter. She doesn't want to inflict any more pain onto him but now she has to. It's the only way to stop the bleeding unless he starts going south and according to Marty, he's not. So, she needs to burn the wound to seal it.

"Okay." Shiloh mumbles before she reaches around the watch gauntlet, pulling it over her hand.

She sucks in a breath and grabs the bloody tongs from the table. She moves them away from Peter and only uses the gauntlet to heat up the end of the tongs and then she moves to face Peter, pressing the metal to the open wound. The sizzling of burning flesh and scent make Shiloh close her eyes, grimacing as she buries her head into her shoulder until the sound stops.

She pulls the tongs away to see a burnt wound but no more blood spilling from it. "Is it okay?" Shiloh asks, her voice wavering and broken like a thin layer of ice.

"Yes, miss. You've stopped the bleeding."

"Okay." Shiloh lets out a breath but her voice is completely deflated. "Bandage and clean."

"Yes." Marty responds.

Shiloh takes the glasses off, not caring that there's wet blood still covering her hands. She just looks down and grabs the gauze and medical tape, bandaging the wound as best as she can, knowing it won't have to be on long thanks to Peter's healing factor. The lump in her throat grows with every passing second and it gets harder to see as tears cloud her vision. She tries to wipe the tears with her shoulder just barely managing while she bites off the last line of medical tape and attaches it to the gauze and Peter.

Once she's done, Shiloh finally gets up from the floor, her legs shaking as she makes her way to the bathroom. She shuts the door with her foot and goes to the sink. Her hands shake violently as she stares at them. Peter's blood over every inch of her hands even under her short fingernails.

There's blood around the gauntlet and her hair ties on the opposite wrist. Blood on her forearms and going towards her elbows which she can't even figure out how that happened. When she looks in the mirror, she finds blood on her cheek and on the sides of her face, just brushing the scars, form removing the glasses. The front of her shirt is soaked in blood and so are her jeans. There's blood everywhere. And the panic starts.

_The human body contains about five liters of blood. That's not a lot of blood in thinking of pop or milk or water. But in the aspect of blood, blood of a person, that's a lot of blood. There's so much. So much blood. Why does there need to be so much of it? Get it off. Get it off._ **_Get it OFF._ **

Shiloh cries feverishly, running the sink and scrubbing as much of Peter's blood from her hands as she can. She scrubs her hands and forearms as much as she can, wanting to rip her skin right off. Her vision is fully blurred while tears cascade down her face, dripping and mixing into the bloodied sink water.

Quiet cries turn into sobs as Shiloh sees the color of her skin through the blurred mess. Those men attacked her. Peter almost left her with those men to do whatever they wanted with her. Peter took a bullet for her. She took out the bullet and burned the wound. It's all bubbling too far to the surface and what if Peter had died? What if he still dies?  _That's on her_. It's all on her. Everyone, everything.

Maybe Peter's been right all along and maybe everyone dying has been her fault. Maybe everyone getting hurt has been her fault. She has been there for everything besides Peter losing his leg. Everything else, she was there for or arrived just after. Maybe it is all her fault. Everything.

The haunting thoughts cause devastating sobs to continue to rip through Shiloh's throat as she scrubs her hands and arms raw. Her hands and arms burn with every stroke of the washcloth, the water just a quiet echo under her sobs. Her nose is running and her legs are shaking so bad she's surprised she can even stand.

"Boss," Marty says through Shiloh's earpiece, pulling Shiloh from her sobs, making her hiccup. "Breathe."

The AI snaps Shiloh from her thoughts. "Yeah." She says through a sniffle before she coughs.

The water runs clear as Shiloh looks at it, her sobs finally stopping and only a few stray tears continue to fall. Her eyes meet the mirror before she moves the rag to her face and cleans up the dry blood there, wincing every time she touches a new bruise from the night.

Fatigue sets in as she finishes and her stomach turns while her head starts to throb. She can feel the tears still wanting to fall but Marty's interruption is snapping her back to reality. Peter is alone in the living room. She's okay. She can cry about it later. So, she cleans up the blood she got on the sink and exits the bathroom and heads back to the living room.

Shiloh sees Peter still bloody and unconscious on the couch and she sighs to herself before turning back to the bathroom and grabbing another wet wash rag. Shiloh moves to sit in front of Peter, her face almost level with his on the couch and she moves the rag over his chest and abdomen, minding the bruises and cuts. She cleans up the blood from tonight and maybe the night before, it's hard to tell with everything mixing together. But, her hand is light and careful with every move of the rag. Peter's breathing remains steady, his abs flexing only slightly with each breath and Shiloh just shakes her head, getting a clean look at his torso.

_What the hell have you been doing, Peter?_

She moves onto his face and cleans up some dirt and dried blood from who knows when and who knows what. Removing the blood and dirt only reveals the vibrancy of the cuts and bruises decorating his face.

With every bruise and every cut Shiloh cleans over, it's like she's being stabbed, over and over and over again. It just feels like she's being pulled down and down and she's now drowning with him. She's drowning in the thought of him and everything that's happened between them and the very thought of losing him. Peter's drowning but now so is Shiloh and she's supposed to be the one that can swim.

She shakes her head and moves back to the bathroom, rinsing the rag and setting it off to the side before heading back to the living room. Shiloh rummages through her bag in search of dry clothes only to be met with wet ones from the man who threw them to the wet pavement. That now leaves her with the options of going naked, staying in blood-soaked clothes, or rummaging through Peter's clothes and borrowing some of his. It's an easy choice.

With quiet and shaky steps, Shiloh goes to Peter's room and goes through his drawers to find a pair of red and grey pajama pants and an MIT shirt. She shrugs and changes into them, bringing her clothes back to the living room and folding them to sit on top of her bag, no longer caring if blood gets on any of her things. Everything being covered in blood is apparently inevitable at this point.

That now leaves Shiloh sitting on the floor with her thoughts and her phone. She texts Harley back finally, saying that she would explain later but not to worry and then her mind starts running the night over. Peter was actually going to leave her. That's what she keeps coming back to. After everything they've been through, missions, deaths, petty high school drama, crushes, everything and he was just...gonna leave her. Betrayal runs deep and it burns like sulfuric acid. So, maybe she's done.

It breaks her heart to think about actually being done with all of this but she's fighting to protect someone who was willing to let three men do whatever they wanted to her. He said he didn't leave, sure, but if that man hadn't pulled a gun? Peter's spidey senses never would have alerted him like they did. He wouldn't have turned around. She would have been screwed. Shiloh cares for Peter in ways people just don't understand. Her loyalty to him is something for the books but does her loyalty really run deep enough to let this go and protect him from himself and others?

Peter's eyes open and the intense stinging and burning on his right side bring his eyes there first, seeing the bandage not blood-soaked but covering the wound. His eyes look over himself and he sees the blood has been cleaned off of him, surprise and guilt filling his blood as he lays his head back before turning it to the side and seeing Shiloh.

_Shiloh._

She's not facing him, her back to him as her head is hung, likely looking at her phone. After all of that and she stayed to make sure he was okay. The guilt and utter stupidity Peter feels in the moment is absolutely bone-crushing. None of this was supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to get shot, she wasn't supposed to get attacked in an alley. Hell, she was never supposed be scarred and Peter wasn't supposed to lose his leg, no one was supposed to die. But, bad things happen even when they're trying to be prevented. And he is so sorry for everything.

Two choices: change or let her go.

"S-shiloh?" Peter squeaks, grabbing her attention and it's like the air has been pushed back into her lungs.

She turns around and sees Peter looking at her with sad eyes. "You're awake."

"You stayed." Peter says, voice broken.

Shiloh nods and gets to her feet, going to the kitchen. Peter watches as best as he can from where he's laying, seeing Shiloh dig through his freezer and then a drawer before coming back. She hands him a bag of ice wrapped in a towel.

"You okay?" She asks, her voice deadpan as she avoids eye contact.

Peter puts the ice to his face from where Shiloh had punched him. "Yeah, uh, yeah, I think so."

Shiloh nods, walking over to her bag. "I'm going home." It's not a smile that pulls at her lips, it's just the corners tugging up as if she's trying not to cry.

"Y-you are? Why?" Peter asks, trying to sit up but immediately regrets it as pain shoots through his body.

Shiloh shakes her head in disbelief and annoyance and heartbreak and betrayal and every emotion in between. "You were gonna leave me there and I took a bullet out of you and then I had to burn you." Shiloh swallows, her chin quivering as she grits her teeth. "I'm going the fuck home."

A lump forms in Peter's throat. "Wait."

Peter needs to apologize. He needs to go on a rant, full-blown rant, explaining everything. He just needs Shiloh to know that he's sorry and that he didn't want this. He just needs her to let him talk. It won't fix this but he needs to speak. Take two steps backward and take the entire night back. He wants to take back that decision. He chooses change.

"No!" Shiloh yells. "God, I have been trying to get you to talk to me for a year." Shiloh's eyes water and she hates herself for it. "And now that I'm pissed at you, really, really pissed off and I saved your fucking life and you took a bullet for me, now you want me to stay? After this? I am done. I--" Shiloh stops herself to breathe, trying to keep the tears in and Peter can only watch, trying to hold back his own. "I can't do it. I..." A dry laugh leaves Shiloh's throat as a single tear falls down her cheek. "I do care about you,  _a lot_  but we both could have died and-" Shiloh rubs her nose, still not fully looking at Peter. "I can't lose you, Pete." Her eyes finally meet Peter's and he gets a good look at just had red and irritated they are from crying.

Her heartbeat is different, telling Peter that this is something he might not be able to come back from. There was always that unsaid line and he crossed it. He never was going to leave her but she doesn't know that. To her, he crossed that line and Peter knows that. And it's breaking him. It's breaking him hear her heartbreak like it did that day when she saw him in the hospital, rushing him to surgery. It's all his fault. And he regrets everything.

"P-please, can you--"

Shiloh knows she's not done, not permanently because she doesn't give up on him. But, it's been a very long night. Peter is hurt, really hurt, and it breaks a part of her that just won't heal. He needs to heal and she needs to go home and just breathe for a second.

"I got the bullet. It's there on the table and I cleaned you up. I'll wash your clothes and give them to Ned to give to you. You're gonna be fine. You'll heal in like two or three days." Shiloh says before turning her back to him and heading towards the door and that's it.

Harley gave him those two choices. Let her go or change. And he takes it back. He'll take tonight back for the rest of his life. Because he chooses change.

"I won't." Peter says, no stutter, no break. Simple but raw.

Shiloh stops dead in her tracks and she swears she didn't hear that right. "What do you mean you won't? Your entire genetic code has been mutated. You heal fast. It's how your body works."

Peter shakes his head even though she can't see him and tears rim his red eyes. "No, n-not anymore."


	9. recovery road?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold italics are thoughts!!

The words leave Peter's lips and the skeleton that's been with him at rock bottom, keeping him chained in the darkness is shrieking and burning, retreating to the furthest parts of Peter's mind as the light finally breaks through. His words open this hole for Shiloh and against everything, despite everything, she's the light.

She's bright, shearing with clarity and she is the one thing, the one person this skeleton has been afraid of because with her comes light. With her comes safety and love and care and everything this skeleton has kept from Peter, convincing him he's not good enough for, not worth it. This light is leaving that skeleton to cower away, shriveling in its pain, finally experiencing the pain it's caused Peter.

But, with this new found light, this new opening comes an unbelievable vulnerability. Peter's laid it out in front of her and he's never felt more exposed. He wants with everything in his body to close the hole, stitch it up, plaster it, anything to bring the skeleton back, bring his safety net of darkness back. But, the light is shining brighter than it has in so long, paralyzing Peter. He can't just run. He can't close the hole. He let the light in on his own accord, no take backs.

"What do you mean?" Shiloh asks as her body slowly turns to face him. Her once cold expression has turned into one of fear, surely she isn't understanding

Peter looks down and he could go and go about how he's fallen and he's been beaten and cut a hundred times and he's got the scars and wounds and dates to track it all. But that would just be him rambling and if he rambles he might freak out or he might close up. Maybe he'll say he's lying about all of this just to get her to stay. Maybe he'll tell her to fuck off. Peter could tell her what he thinks happened and why. But, if he opens his mouth, he might shut down. So, he doesn't speak, he gets up.

It's a struggle to get up with the bullet wound in his side and the aches and pains of his entire body. His face contorts and he winces and groans, his arms shaking as he grips the back of the couch for leverage, eyes squeezed shut to try and mask some of the pain. Warm hands touch his arm, gripping him hard to help get him to his feet. Peter opens his eyes, pausing for a second to look up to Shiloh as she steadies her grip on his biceps. He diverts his eyes and starts pulling himself up with the help of Shiloh.

She takes a few steps back from Peter once he's on his feet and she has another view of the front of his body. She might have cleaned up the blood and dirt and whatever else covered his body but it's different when he's standing upright. The bruises and cuts expand a little bit with Peter's new stance. Everything just seems bigger and worse with him standing and Peter can feel it, feel her heart on the verge of breaking for him as she studies his torso. And he knows it's only going to get worse when he turns around.

Peter sucks in a ragged breath and it's hard for him to start turning around, feeling so naked despite having the bottom of his suit still on. He's been like this in front of her before, he's been in nothing but his boxers plenty of times but he's exposing himself to her in a way he didn't think he would. Being injured in front of her is normal, it comes with the territory but this is different. She'll feel pity and likely guilt when she sees the sight and she'll be disappointed. Shiloh is going to be disappointed and Peter doesn't want to be judged by anyone, especially her. But, he turns anyway, allowing himself to be up for scrutiny. Because  _he chose change_.

As Peter turns so his back is facing Shiloh, she starts to get a full few and her jaw falls open just a little, her eyes going sad and misty. Her heart is bouncing between her stomach and her throat as she sees the deep purple bruises that cover his spine, some splattering out in different directions like lightning. Injury after injury and she's only ever seen a handful of bruises that are this purple, this deep and dark, likely bruising the bone.

She closes the small distance between them and lets her fingers just glide over his back, not enough to apply pressure, more of her just touching him to make sure it's real. Peter jerks forward, surprised by the touch and Shiloh pauses for a second before running her fingers over the bruises, Peter letting out a breath as she does so. She presses slightly on a few bruises, examining them as best as she knows how and Peter whimpers and winces with the slightest bit of pressure.

She's filled with guilt as she looks at the bruises. How did she not know? Sure, she doesn't see Peter like this, doesn't even see him without a mask, but how didn't she know he was this hurt? He must have been struggling to do much of any of his usual web-slinging with how these bruises are this deep and dark and surely painful and she should have noticed.

"Peter..." Shiloh's voice is a soft whisper only containing hurt.

Peter turns around, this time faster than he should have, pain radiating through his entire body. Dizziness rips through his head and he wavers just enough for Shiloh to reach out and hold his shoulders to keep him steady. Peter's gaze settles on Shiloh in front him and they're so painfully close, almost chest to chest. Peter can see the deepest parts of the scars on her face, the parts that are almost too faint to see against the deep ones. And Shiloh can see the sporadic freckles across Peter's nose, most hidden by bruises or cuts. And there is that vulnerability, but with her so close there is no questioning if and when something is going to come and kill him. Instead, it's a safe haven. She's that safe haven.

"I...uh, I fell." Peter's eyes are on the floor as his nods, Peter's loose curls almost brushing against Shiloh's forehead with the close proximity. "M-my...my leg," He scoffs and his jaw locks for a few seconds. "Gave out and...I, I couldn't catch myself, landed on my back." Peter looks back to her with distant and self-hatred filled eyes.

It's like a bus is running Shiloh over, back and forth, over and over and over again. Her heart just breaks for him and it is not fair. And if he can't heal, he fell and he can't heal, he could have  _died_. That's always a reality. One they've even discussed. One day, one of them will get that phone call that the other is never coming back. That's it. No more do-overs. They are gone but Shiloh never really thought it would happen. She knows but it's different being put in that reality and sure her and Peter died, but they died at the same time and weren't aware the other had died and they came back. It's  _different_.

And this? Peter could have fallen from further up and died. He could have landed differently and died and how would she have found out? On the news when someone stumbled upon Spider-Man's lifeless body and peeled the mask off. News outlets declaring that the web-slinger was Queens' very own resident, Peter Parker. He died by falling from a roof, maybe? That's how she would have found out? Or would someone have had the decency to call Tony first? Afterall, Spider-Man was Iron Man's mentee. So, what? Would Tony have been the one to have to sit Shiloh down and tell her that Peter died. That's it. He's gone. Every option sounds horrible. To have to visit Peter's grave and Shiloh being the one apologizing that  _she_  wasn't there when he needed her.

**_No_.**

Shiloh closes the distance, her arms wrapping around his neck in a hug that she wants to be tighter but she can't bring herself to squeeze him closer in fear of hurting him further.

Unlike last time, the night at the window, Peter finds himself wrapping his arms around her and he's careful, too because he might be weak but he is terrified and maybe if he lets himself just be for even a second, he'll break. He will break in her arms and all because he finally hugged her properly, he finally let someone in. And he's scared that if he starts to break now, break when he's already so fragile, he'll hug her and he'll lose control of his strength and end up hurting her. Peter's weak but his super strength is there and while he needs a tighter hug, needs Shiloh to not let go and he needs to pull her closer to him, as close as he can, he can't. He can't break her. So, he's careful but his face buries into her shoulder and he wants to stay like this forever. But, forever isn't realistic.

Shiloh pulls away, catching his eyes. "Can I see your leg?" Shiloh asks and it's her fear, something being wrong with his leg. He's been limping for over a year and if it's so bad it gives out and distracts him enough that his instincts don't work, there has to be something wrong.  _She's scared_.

"No!" Peter yells, catching Shiloh off guard, making her take a step back. And it's like Peter is pulled back under the freezing waters. "N-no, you can't." Peter shakes his head and that few minutes of vulnerability and exposure is enough for him. Telling her he can't heal, that's enough for the night. He's not ready to show her his leg.

Just a few minutes ago, Shiloh said she was done and while that isn't meant to be permanent because it's Peter and she went through a bad time and he didn't give up on her, he needs her. He doesn't need to say it because it's written in the way he dodges her eyes every time she looks at him, staring behind her or to the side or to the floor. His movements are jerkish and unstable. Peter's scared and Shiloh's dying. So, she's not going back and forth with him anymore but she's not giving up either.

"Get dressed." Shiloh sucks in a breath and she grits her teeth. "Get dressed. I'm taking you to the tower and I don't care anymore. Shut up, do what I say. Show me your leg, or get dressed and willingly come to the tower with me, or I'll knock you out again and drag your ass to the tower myself."

_**Shit.** _

Maybe it was a mistake because now Peter's stuck in a situation he didn't want. Opening up about not being able to heal is one thing but going to the tower and being confronted with everything he's been avoiding for a year is not what he's prepared for. He wasn't even prepared for tonight. It should be baby steps but Shiloh isn't having it. Her jaw is locked and she will punch him again. And if Peter's being honest, he's real tired of getting hit. And  _he chose change_.

Peter turns slowly and starts limping to his bedroom, Shiloh's eyes widening with every step he takes, watching as his hand holds the bullet wound. She really thought she'd be knocking him out again but she's  _so_  happy that he's choosing this.

_**One step at a time, Pete.** _

Peter reaches his room but he turns in the doorway to face Shiloh. "You, uh, you don't see my leg. Or Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Harley, anyone besides Banner or Cho."

She might want to know what he's hiding but she's hiding her own medical problems from him. So, who's she to argue with this?

"Fine." Shiloh nods. "Can I call Happy to pick us up?" Shiloh asks and the faintest smile pulls at her lips.

Peter matches it and nods. "Yeah, yeah, I, uh, I don't think I could walk and public transport--"

"Sucks when you're injured." Shiloh finishes.

"Yeah." Peter huffs, a slightly bigger smile coming to his face. "I'm gonna," He points over his shoulder, earning a nod from Shiloh only for Peter to run into his doorframe. "Ow." He groans, looking at the door frame as if it's just come out of nowhere.

"Peter." Shiloh sighs, squeezes the bridge of her nose.

With red tinted cheeks, Peter closes his door and starts to rummage through the clothes he still has clean to find something to wear. He can hear the sound of Shiloh calling Happy as he finds an old science pun shirt and his last pair of pajama pants.

He strips the rest of the suit off and he tries not to look at his leg, he really tries not to because it's always a rush of nausea and pain and disappointment when he sees it but he just can't help it. His heart sinks seeing where the metal is embedded into his skin and the distressed area around it. He shakes his head, pushing away the sour feeling in his stomach and tosses the shirt over his head.

"Hey, Pete?" Shiloh calls from outside the door. "Happy's on his way. You should pack a bag though. You might have to stay." Shiloh touches the old paint of the door while Peter takes a seat on his bed, eyes closing and realizing that he's really going to try and do this.

He's scared to go. He packed his things a year ago and never planned to return to the tower. May died and that was it. He was done. At first, yeah it was because he blamed everyone for May's death because Tony, Sam, and Shiloh were there. None of them could save her. So, he packed up his things and called it quits but after a little while, blaming everyone was just a defense mechanism.

If he blames them, he won't have to look at himself. If he blames them, the next villain won't take them. The next villain only has Peter to go after. It's safer that he keeps his distance from people. He can't lose Shiloh and he can't lose Tony. He can't let Shiloh lose Tony or Tony lose Shiloh. It's backwards but it's been a year and it's worked. And all he's ever done is hurt people, whether it be because of villains or because of drug use. He just hurts people. But, not going hurts people, too. Hurts  _Shiloh_  maybe even more than everything else. He can hear it in her voice and the beating of her heart, she can't lose him like he can't lose her. So, he needs to go, if not for him, for her. This is how he changes.

"Pete?" Shiloh calls, knocking softly.

"Uh, yeah, yeah." Peter says, tugging his pants on. "T-that's fine." His eyes close with a wince, pain in his right leg and right side radiating down to his bones.

Shiloh backs away from the door and goes to her things, grabbing them and choosing to send a text to Anna, explaining that Shiloh might not make it to practice the following day but everything was fine, something had just come up.

Maybe it's Shiloh being a little hopeful or maybe she really does believe this is going to go slightly well. Either way, she's hoping that Peter will stay at the tower. No one is going to force him to stay, it'll be his decision at the end of the night but she's hoping that maybe things aren't that bad and he'll stay anyway. Maybe if he stays, he can get clean and he can get his head on straight. Maybe.

Within a few minutes, Peter is exiting his room carrying a backpack and favoring his left side more than before. Shiloh offers to carry Peter's bag but he declines, shrugging it on as best as he can before the two of them head downstairs to wait for Happy which isn't long. Happy arrives in a car not five minutes after the pair step out into the cooled summer air.

The drive to the tower is deadly silent. Happy in front not knowing what to say. This is the kid that Happy was also supposed to look after. This kid went through hell and back and Happy couldn't help him any more than he could help Tony with his alcohol consumption. What if Happy had tried harder to help Peter? Would the kid have turned out this broken?

And for Shiloh, she's got him in the car. They're going to the tower, she doesn't have anything else to say. She might worry about him but she's not forgiving him so soon for the entire night. Those men and Peter making her take out a bullet. Not things she's going to forgive in five minutes just because Peter tells her he can't heal. And her mind is on the fact that what if he can't?

That night at the window. He told her he could. So, one way or another, Peter's lying to her and she's hoping to everything in her being he's lying about not being able to heal. Partially because that means he'll be okay. His back will heal. Whatever is wrong with his leg will heal. The make-shift, half-assed surgery will do. It's fine. He's fine. But, another part of her, the desperate and broken and terrified part, wants him to be lying that can't heal because if he can't heal...

"Shiloh?" Happy calls from the front, pulling Shiloh from her thoughts.

"Hm?" Shiloh hums.

"Your dad wants to see you when we get back." Happy says, barely glancing in the rear-view mirror.

"Assumed as much. He pissed?" She asks.

Happy shakes his head. "Harley's been keeping him as calm as Harley can." Shiloh sees a smirk come to Happy's face through the glass.

"I'm sure he's loving Harley's company." Shiloh chuckles, glancing to Peter whose eyes are set outside the window, his left bouncing slightly

**_Mad? Yeah. Disappointed? Yeah. Worried? More than anything._ **

Shiloh nudges Peter's shoulder, gaining his attention, and one corner of her mouth pulls up in a gentle smile, brows knitting together. She'll always care about him, thick and thin, good, bad, ugly, and everything in between. Her hand goes to Peter's thigh, her palm facing up and she glances between her hand and Peter. Peter looks up and shakes his head but there's a new feeling, something he hasn't felt in a long time, spread through his chest as he interlocks his fingers with hers, Shiloh squeezing his hand softly and Peter mouths a 'thanks' before squeezing her hand back, his gaze returning to the window.

By the time they arrive at the tower, Peter's anxiety is sky high and he definitely wants to go right back home. This is the right thing to do but he doesn't want to. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he can just...sneak out and run away. Run very far away from here. But they're entering the building anyway. Peter's limping inside despite the skeleton screaming from its dark corner to run and despite the decaying cinder blocks trying to pull him under water, Peter just keeps limping, Shiloh right beside him every step of the way.

They bypass the common room and living rooms, heading straight for the med bay. Neither of them really want to stop in any room given someone, Tony or Harley, will likely be there and the awkwardness that will likely arise just by Peter's sudden reappearance after everything isn't something either of them particularly want to do deal with on this already shitty night. So, they go to the med bay and go right to where Bruce had texted Shiloh to go.

"Peter." Bruce greets and his expression is one of shock but quickly fades as he takes a step forward to shake his hand, trying not to act too surprised he's actually come in.

"H-hi, Dr. Banner." Peter says, shaking Bruce's hand.

"What, uh, what happened?" Bruce asks, looking between Shiloh and Peter.

"He got shot." Shiloh says, pointing to Peter's right side.

Bruce furrows his brow, looking between the young adults. "You....you were shot?" Bruce fiddles with his fingers, looking at them for more information.

"Here." Shiloh pulls out the bullet from a pocket in her backpack. "I took it out."

"What?" Bruce's eyes go wide. "Did you get the fragments? Is there internal bleeding?"

"Uh..." Shiloh looks to Peter and back to Bruce with a shrug. "Marty didn't say anything about fragments but he said I stopped the bleeding."

Bruce sucks in a breath and his face turns into a soft grimace. "How did you stop it?"

"I stitched the inside a little and then burned him."

Bruce winces and Peter does the same, suddenly very aware of how horrible the pain in that side is.

"Okay, can I see it?" Bruce asks looking to Peter.

Peter sighs but tugs up his shirt on the right side, all of his weight shifting to his left leg as Bruce starts pulling the wrapped gauze from Peter's skin. Shiloh watches, hoping she did enough and Bruce just examines it, his face already telling her it's not a good look but she remains hopeful she didn't hurt Peter further.

"I want to clean that." Bruce says, putting the gauze back over the wound. "And get an x-ray and ultrasound to make sure there's no internal bleeding." Bruce explains and Peter just nods along. "What else?" Bruce looks between them. "You said there was more." Bruce looks directly at Shiloh and she looks to Peter, wanting him to explain it.

Peter sighs. "Um, I...I can't...I can't heal anymore."

Bruce looks down and to the left for a second before staring at Peter. "Your healing factor?" Peter nods. "I'll run labs. Anything I should know?"

Peter looks to Shiloh and he hates himself for it but he doesn't want her here. "You have to leave." Peter looks to her and Shiloh knew it was coming. He told her she's not allowed to see his leg but she was hoping he'd changed his mind, maybe.

"Okay...I'm gonna be outside." Shiloh points over her shoulder and starts to walk out.

"It's my leg." Peter says quietly.

Bruce nods in understanding. "Change into shorts and I'll be back to look." Bruce instructs and Peter nods, watching him walk out and leave him alone.

Bruce shuts the door and sees Shiloh already seated directly outside of the room on the floor, her back against the wall and her head leaned back with eyes closed.

"You need a treatment." He says softly.

"I will. I just wanna make sure he's okay." Shiloh looks up to Bruce, who's playing with his hands again. "What?"

"What isn't he telling me?" Bruce asks quietly.

"He's a drug addict. Has been since they amputated his leg." Shiloh explains dully, not bothering to sugarcoat it.

It wasn't an established thing to keep a secret. Peter never asked. Hell, he never even admitted he was an addict but he didn't deny it either, not until after MJ died. That's really when he just stopped denying it and rolled his eyes or walked away from the conversation. But, still, the only people who really knew about his drug abuse were those closest to him, MJ, Shiloh, Ned, Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, May, and Harley. Then Betty and Cindy because of Shiloh and Ned. But that's it. Everyone else was just kept in the dark, those who knew making up excuses for Peter whenever they got curious or worried. Just like Bruce is right now, his face contorted in small touches or worry and confusion.

"Do you know what he's addicted to?" Bruce asks.

"Dunno," Shiloh shrugs. "He was taking morphine last I heard and that was a year ago. I don't think he's high though. I've been with him for a while."

Bruce nods. "Right," Bruce looks to the door and back to Shiloh. "Get a treatment."

"It's fine." Shiloh says. "All I have to do is walk down the hall when I need one."

Bruce picks at his nail before he nods softly. "If you say so."

"Just....help...Peter, okay?" Shiloh asks.

Bruce nods one last time before he goes back in the room but before shutting the door, he leans his head back out. "Text Harley and have him sit with you. Or Pepper, Tony."

"Why?"

"You have a black eye and a fat lip." Bruce's voice is just above a whisper. "And there's blood on your neck. Talk to someone." Bruce says before he goes fully into the room and shuts the door.

Shiloh sighs and pulls out her phone, flipping the camera to the front camera and looking at her neck. Sure enough, there's a smear of red on the side. She thought she got it all but with emotions running on high, apparently, she missed a spot.

Her eyes roll but she does what Bruce tells her. Shiloh sends a text Pepper, not wanting to deal with Harley's "you're better without him" lecture and Tony's "you could have gotten yourself killed" lecture. If anyone understands, it's Pepper, even if she doesn't fully agree.

Back in the room, Peter is seated in black basketball shorts he originally brought to sleep in and his legs hang off the side of the exam bed. His left leg sways while the metal one stays still, Peter's eyes watching both legs until Bruce is at the door.

"You, uh, you can't tell Shiloh." Peter says, pulling up the shorts to reveal his entire thigh as Bruce stares at his leg, his thigh resting on the exam bed.

Bruce walks forward with a heavy exhale. "I won't."

"It's bad, I know." Peter says as Bruce looks closer.

The scars are deep and irritated. The skin looks to be infected around where it should have healed to the metal ring and there are track marks all around the infected area. The only saving grace in Bruce's mind is that the track marks look to be healing so that means Peter is either healing or he hasn't been using, or at the very least shooting up. But, regardless, Peter's leg looks almost worse than it did when they first removed the mangled part of his leg. Purple, blue, and red hues just cover every inch until just before where his thigh meets his groin. It's a devastating site and Bruce understands without even asking why he doesn't want Shiloh to know.

"How long have you been shooting up?" Bruce asks moving to one of the cabinets in the room to retrieve a kit to draw Peter's blood. Peter watches carefully, his eyes filled with remorse and shame, not knowing how to even answer the question. Bruce looks back to him and nods. "Shiloh told me."

_**Oh, right.** _

"I dunno." Peter hangs his head, stomach flooding with guilt.

"Can I ask why?" Bruce asks and he might not have been the closest to Peter but he did spend a decent amount of time with Peter in the time Tony recruited him almost ten years prior.

Peter shrugs. "Because."

Bruce nods and gets everything set up, having Peter extend an arm and he cleans near the crease of his elbow, before tying off that part of Peter's arm. "When was the last time you slept more than two hours?"

Peter watches at Bruce sticks the needle into his arm. "Um....a few days ago."

"Drugs help?" Bruce asks, keeping his eyes on the small tube filling with Peter's blood, trying to make the conversation casual rather than medical.

Peter chews his lip, eyes going to the door. "Can we, uh, can we not talk about it?" Peter asks, his eyes pleading as he looks to Bruce.."

Bruce swaps out the tubes. "How long have you not been able to heal?" Bruce drops the drug talk on Peter's request, not wanting to overstep.

"I dunno." Peter says quietly. "I, uh, I noticed a few months ago. Maybe two or three." Peter says. "But, um...I-I think it was gradual. I could heal and then it just got slower until it's like this."

Bruce swaps out another tube. "Can you heal at all, then?"

Peter nods. "Ye-yeah, it just takes awhile. Like before I got bit."

"Okay." Bruce says, absorbing the information he's gotten.

Bruce finishes drawing Peter's blood and he walks over to the opposite side of the room where he can run the blood tests while he does the rest of Peter's work-up.

While Peter and Bruce continue behind the closed door, Shiloh hasn't moved from her seat on the floor, her attention set on the floor just waiting until she hears footsteps coming down the hallway. Pepper comes into view and Shiloh flashes her a soft smile and Pepper returns it.

"Hey, kid." Pepper greets, herself sliding down beside Shiloh.

"Hey, mom." Shiloh says, looking over to her and noticing her face clean of makeup. Pepper dressed in a plain t-shirt and pajama pants with her hair down.

"Care to tell me what happened?" Pepper asks and Shiloh laughs at Pepper getting right to the point

"Uh, yeah. Some dicks attacked me, Peter was there, he told them to shoot him, they did, we took down the dudes. Took Peter back to his apartment, took the bullet out, found out he can't heal. Now, we're here." Shiloh gives a quick rundown, earning a slight glare from Pepper.

"First of all, are you okay?" Pepper gestures a finger, motioning to where a bruise decorates part of her face.

"Yeah, face kind of hurts but I supposed that's my life." Shiloh remarks. "But, yeah I'm okay."

Pepper nods. "And Peter?"

"Bruce has him in there now. I'm not allowed." Instead of snark, there's touches of hurt in Shiloh's voice and her face falls as she looks away from Pepper.

Shiloh understands. She doesn't want Peter there for her treatments and all she has to do is sit in a chair with an IV in her arm. Peter has to be a little more vulnerable, a little more exposed, he has to have more done, show more of himself. It makes sense but that doesn't mean she's not hurt by Peter not wanting her in there. She just worries about him. It's not her fault she cares. It'd be a lot easier if she didn't.

"How did you do it?" Shiloh asks, shaking her head and looking back to Pepper. "With dad? How...how are you not pissed off at him for putting us all in danger all the time? Or him almost getting himself killed? How don't you blame him for any of that? I...."

"Do you blame him?" Pepper asks, the corners of her mouth tugging into a sly smile, already knowing the answer.

"No, he's Iron Man. I know he did it to protect us and I know that sometimes to protect the people you love, you have to put them in danger. It's the hero thing. I know but how did you deal with it? He's my dad, I didn't really have a choice in any of this. But you did. How'd  _you_  do it? Especially, after......the extremis?" Shiloh pauses for a second, but not long enough for Pepper to answer. "Why did you stay?"

Pepper shrugs a shoulder and reaches for her daughter's hand. "Tony is going to do what Tony wants to do but he would never do anything that would intentionally put any of us in harm's way. He does what he does to protect us, and others." Pepper sucks in a breath. "I was upset when everything happened, especially because you were involved, but that wasn't his fault. That was Killian's. And then Thanos." Pepper explains.

"Why'd you stay then? After Killian and then after Thanos?"

Shiloh knows exactly why Pepper stayed with Tony despite everything. It could have killed Pepper a few hundred times, always worrying about Tony but she stayed and Shiloh understands and knows why but she wants that confirmation. She needs to know she isn't wrong, somehow, this is the right thing to do.

But, before Pepper could answer, Harley comes walking down the hallway. "I'm going to kill you." Harley says as he reaches them.

"Gee, good to see you, too." Shiloh retorts. "We're in the middle of something." Shiloh says and Harley just leans against the opposite wall, facing Shiloh and slides to the floor.

"Sorry," He says, looking to Pepper. "I was worried about you."

Shiloh rolls her eyes. "I'm fine. Peter's in there but he won't let any of us in." Shiloh explains.

"You've got blood on your neck." Harley points, Pepper leaning forward and turning Shiloh's head to face her. Worry starts striking Harley, looking at the blood smear and finally taking notice of the shirt and pants that definitely aren't hers. "What'd I miss? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Harley." Shiloh groans, tired of getting asked. "Long story, Peter was shot. But I'm fine. He saved my ass tonight." Shiloh explains, skimming over all of the details and just giving Harley the bare basics.

_**Peter? Saved her ass? Took a bullet for her? Did this kid really do that? Is he changing?** _

"He did?" Harley asks, voice soft and gentle, almost hopeful.

Shiloh nods. "Yeah." Her eyes are sad with the word, guilt of Peter getting shot already starting to consume her again. "But, anyway," Shiloh sighs. "Mom was going to tell me why she stayed with my dad." Shiloh grins, looking to Pepper with curious brows.

Harley matches Shiloh's stare on Pepper knowing he'll be able to hear the whole story later. For right now, he's okay with letting it just be. She told him enough and as far as he's concerned, Peter did what Harley never thought he would again. Peter saved someone. Saved  _Shiloh_. Nothing else really matters right now.

Pepper laughs softly and she could give Shiloh the answer she's looking for but Pepper isn't going to make it easy. "You've stayed by Peter, haven't you?" Shiloh nods, squinting her eyes slightly while Harley gains a smirk, knowing exactly where Pepper is headed with this.. "And why is that?" Pepper asks, a smile pulling at her lips and Shiloh shrugs, but she's biting back the awkward smile she definitely got from Tony, the one Tony always gets around Pepper when he's flustered. "Mhm," Pepper hums. "You know why."

"He's always been my best friend." Shiloh says softly, looking in front of her to Harley who's maintaining his signature smirk but his eyes remain soft. "I really care about him."

"I know." Pepper says softly. "He's lucky to have you."

Shiloh rolls her eyes but the smile still dances across her face. All Shiloh really needed was confirmation that it's real. The inability to give up on Peter and inability to hate him, it's all real.

The door opens beside Shiloh and Bruce comes out, the door closing behind and he's gained a strange expression as he looks down to Shiloh, Harley, and Pepper. "You said he's an addict? And as far as you knew, he was using, right?"

Shiloh nods. "As far as I knew, yeah?" Shiloh watches Bruce carefully as he looks to be in thought.

"Okay." Bruce says and he goes for the door again.

"Wait." Shiloh pulls at Bruce's arm before she stands up, Pepper and Harley following her lead. "Why?"

Bruce looks to the door and back to the group of three. "I...shouldn't--"

"He didn't sign any papers. You're not technically his doctor. Hippa doesn't apply here." Shiloh tries to challenge, earning a light slap upside the head from Pepper. "Okay," Shiloh says reluctantly. "Hypothetically."

Bruce weighs his options. Deal with Shiloh or Peter. "Hypothetically," Bruce starts, the decision being easy and he figures maybe she should know. Peter needs help. "I ran his blood, tracked it as far as I could."

"Six months now, right?" Shiloh asks, knowing he can trace blood back for months.

Bruce nods. "He's clean as far as I can tell."

"What?" Harley and Shiloh both nearly yell.

"What do you mean he's clean?" Shiloh asks.

"I don't see any traces of any drug in his system, not even over the counter." Bruce pauses. "Hypothetically."

Shiloh stands there and her blood is starting to boil, more with herself than Peter. She always assumed he was still using. So much for having faith in him. What kind of friend is she to assume he never even tried to get clean? She's supposed to have faith in him.

"There's more?" Shiloh asks, seeing the uncomfortable look on Bruce's face.

"Uh...." Bruce nods. "Well, you saved his life tonight." Bruce says and maybe it should bring Shiloh's heart up but it doesn't. Saving Peter's life means his life was in danger. Peter could have died. "If you would have left the bullet, he would have died. The stitches held and the cauterizing, while not the method I would have chosen, worked. He'll be okay."

"What aren't you telling me?" Shiloh asks and Harley steps closer, almost anticipating the big break, Pepper resting her hand on one of Shiloh's shoulders waiting for the break as well.

"He can't heal, Shiloh." Bruce says. "Well, he can but it takes longer, longer than even normal for you or Harley or Pepper." Bruce explains, moving his hands a little with his words.

Shiloh's heart drops and the all-too-familiar burning hits the back of her eyes. "Can you fix him?"

The crack her voice almost kills Harley as he puts a hand on her shoulder. And all he can think is that this cannot be happening. He can't lose Shiloh and Peter even if he isn't Peter's biggest fan right now. He still grew up with him. He still cares, too.

"I'll know more tomorrow. I need to run a few more tests but if it's what I think it is, I should be able to." Bruce explains, looking to his hands.

"But....for right now.....he...." Shiloh pauses and it's like a tsunami has collided through her chest cavity.

Bruce's words run through her head over and over like a mantra and then she remembers that night at her window. Peter told her to shoot him. No matter what, if he ever goes after her like that again, shoot him. He will heal. That's what he told her. He told her to shoot him and he can't even heal. Her world spins and there are angry and anguish filled tears ready to spill and she's ready to rip him apart.

Shiloh moves forward, Bruce moving out of her way while Harley's grip on her shoulder tightens, his other hand grabbing her other shoulder to hold her back. "You don't wanna do that." Harley whispers.

"Let. Me. Go." Shiloh's eyes meet Harley's, filled with water and if looks could kill, Harley would be six feet under.

Pepper rests her hands on Harley's, pulling him away. "Let her go." Shiloh immediately barges into the room, leaving Bruce, Harley, and Pepper in the hallway. "She needs to do this."

Shiloh storms over to Peter and his eyes are wide as saucers, his heart already pounding in his chest and maybe he should be pissed at Bruce for telling her but truthfully, he's just never seen the look on Shiloh's face and he's terrified. Her heart is louder than his and he can feel the anger and the absolute overwhelming devastation rushing through her bones while he can almost taste the salt of the tears barely escaping from her eyes.

Peter's hand go behind him, catching himself as Shiloh's hands grab the collar of his shirt and she's so fuelled on every emotion that she isn't thinking straight. All she can see is a blurry version of Peter as her heart breaks in front of him. Her body shakes and she's not letting go of the collar of his shirt even if it kills her.

"You can't fucking heal and you were gonna have me kill you!" Shiloh pulls him closer to her and Peter's breath hitches in his throat. He should have seen this coming. It would happen eventually but he didn't think of this. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Peter? Why can't you understand for more than two seconds that I actually give a shit about you? And you were just gonna have me kill you? After I told you I could never do that!"

Her fists are shaking violently as she holds Peter close to her, her breath fanning over his face and her nails digging through the fabric and into the palms of her hands. Peter's just about panicking, wanting her to calm down but knowing that's a horrible thing to tell her, likely the worst thing to tell her. But he's scared. He's vulnerable and scared and he just can't form words.

"I...I didn't--"Peter tries to find the right words but maybe this is Shiloh's break and it's Peter's fault. "I...I--"

"You what, Peter?" Shiloh deadpans and she's so close to saying everything she'll regret. "What? I tell you I can't kill you and you take that as some fucking challenge? Why would you do that?" Her voice changes, switching from terrifying and monstrous fury to pain. Soul-crushing pain. "What if I'd have killed you? What if I did it? You would dead? And you had me take that fucking bullet out of you? I could have killed you! That's not fair to me!" Shiloh yells out, only a few more tears slip as if she were completely dried out from crying. "Why didn't you just tell me?" The question isn't a yell, her brows are pulled together and the pain in her voice as she asks him is just another punch to Peter's gut.

But, he isn't the only one hiding something and it's haunting him. Harley spilled and Peter knows. She's yelling about how she can't lose him but fuck, he cannot lose her. No words could ever even come close to describing how much he can't lose her. And yet, she's been willing to let him lose her ever since they met. So, Peter's brows furrow just as hers did and his voice, pain-stricken, matches hers.

"Why didn't you tell me about the extremis?"

Shiloh's face falls with his words and her grip on his shirt loosens, almost as if she's not even holding onto him at all. The color drains from her face and Peter now knows, without verbal confirmation that he's right. And suddenly that vulnerability that Peter has been feeling since his apartment, Shiloh feels it, too. And she just wants to run away. Lie to him and run.

" _Please,_ " Peter starts, his voice soft. "Do-don't lie to me."

Shiloh hangs her head and it's Peter that finally takes her hands away from his shirt, resting them on his thighs while his hands move to her forearms to hold her steady, her arms still shaking with every passing second. She swallows a large lump before looking back to Peter's innocently chocolate brown eyes, hers filled with salty water and it's like Peter can see her world shattering in her eyes before she finally speaks.

" _Who told you?_ "


	10. push and pull

It's like a wall has just toppled over Shiloh, pushing the air from her lungs in one large thud. She never wanted him to know because it's Peter. He goes out of his way to protect everyone, or at least he did, she didn't want him in the middle of this. It happened before they ever met. They were only kids and it just didn't seem right. This is  _her_  secret. Her thing that she keeps all bottled up,  _protecting Peter_. And now it's just out in the open and it's like she's the one who can't breathe anymore. She's the one being stripped of her protective coating.

"I-I figured it out." Peter mutters but Shiloh knows he's lying.

Peter can feel his heart beating in his stomach as Shiloh asks who told him. He knew, because of Harley. There was no other point to Harley bringing up Shiloh being kidnapped and Pepper being tortured, only to say Shiloh doesn't tell him everything. It explains how the cut on her head was healed when he went to visit her at her window after they had fought. It explains how KAREN picked up on something being wrong but not being able to pinpoint it. But, that doesn't stop the ache and soul-crushing pain from radiating through Peter's bones with the confirmation.

Shiloh never wanted to be mutated. She didn't want powers or anything special. Being able to create forms of tech and just do her thing in the lab, that's the only type of "superhero" thing she wanted. Being mutated, especially with extremis, could give her powers and with that comes the responsibility of her being a hero. It's something she's always hated the idea of. Not once has she ever seen herself as a hero. Peter, doesn't quite get it since she's always been a hero to him, even before she started saving him from everything the past two years, but Shiloh doesn't see it. She doesn't want it and the extremis could have forced it onto her. If it were killing her.

"I know someone told you." Shiloh presses but her words are a little broken, silently begging him to tell her. "Harley, Rhodey, or Happy? Who?"

"I, promise..." Peter trails off a little. "I figured it out. KAREN said something was wrong....I....I guessed." Peter half-lies and Shiloh just wants the world to stop for a moment.

She leans her head against Peter's shoulder, closing her eyes and making sure she keeps her word to him,  ** _do not look at his leg_**. All she needs is this moment. Just one second to breathe and hope this isn't something that will push Peter back.

What if this is gonna get him to start using? Surely, he had to of just figured it out or been told otherwise he would have brought it up. So, what if this makes him shoot up again? What if it pushes him away and everything that happened tonight was for nothing? Shiloh is so close to finally pulling Peter in and getting him help, he's sitting right here in the med bay with a bandaid covering where the needle was in his arm. He's so close and what if this scares him off? What then?

Peter can sense her fear with the soft but ragged breaths and she's close so to him. Her head is buried into his shoulder, her hands squeezing his thighs to keep her balanced and his hands are still holding onto her arms. And while Peter needed that hug from her earlier and he doesn't hate this, he doesn't hate it at all actually, it's scaring him more.

This is so close and when he gets close, people get hurt or they die. They get scars and self-hatred from him. Their smiles falter when he enters a room for months after an incident occurs and she's just trying to find some form of comfort in Peter and he knows that but it's scaring the hell out of him. It's scaring the hell out of him because she's the person he's the most afraid of but she's also the person he knows is the safest so who is he to not face his fear when Shiloh does it every single day?

Peter leans his head against hers and lets it fall into the crook of her neck. And he lets her have just this single moment. He lets her breathe and just exist without having to speak or take care of him. She's allowed to find comfort in him. And she does with every breath he takes and it fans over her neck. Shiloh is Peter's life preserver but  _Peter_ is Shiloh's afterglow, the one person who can make the world stop for her, just for a second.

" _Please_ ," Peter starts, lifting his head back up when he feels Shiloh move. "Tell me it's not true." His eyes search hers, looking for a glimpse of hope.

"What?" Shiloh asks, her eyes searching Peter's for a more specific answer even though it's right there in the back of her mind. The heartbroken and utterly hopeless expression she's seen too many times on Peter says everything.

"A-a-a-are you gonna die?" Peter tries to keep his voice steady but the nervous stutter grows worse and his eyes turn glassy and without another word, Shiloh knows exactly who told Peter.

_**Harley.** _

"Pete--" Shiloh starts but Peter cuts her off with the same broken tone.

"I know when you're lying, Shi." Peter uses the old and never forgotten nickname and it hits a part of her, deep in her heart where scars from him lay healing.

Shiloh sucks in a breath and she doesn't have the heart to tell him. She can't even admit it to herself that this is serious. She might die if they can't figure out how to stabilize the extremis again. This is her reality but even she's too scared to face it. How is she supposed to burden Peter with that, too? She needs him, sure but Shiloh needs Peter to be okay. If she's gonna die, then she's gonna do everything in her power to make sure Peter is okay before she does and that means not lying to him but not confirming it either. It means moving on from this.

Shiloh shakes her head and her grip on his thighs loosens, Peter's brows furrowing in confusion, already shockingly missing the grip and wanting to pull her right back to him. "You don't get to do that anymore, Pete." Shiloh says but her voice remains calm and collected.

"I-I can't help it." Peter stutters out, the confusion flowing into his words.

She's never had a problem with him knowing things, listening to her heartbeat, picking up a quicker in her voice when she's upset or happy or lying, the scent and taste of salt when she's gonna cry. There was never a time Shiloh ever minded. And Peter didn't think a day would come that she did.

Shiloh knows how his heightened senses work. She did hours upon hours of studies on it one summer, just for her own entertainment, and maybe because she wanted to spend a little more time with Peter and maybe he wanted to spend a little more time with her. But, that's not the point. She did study all of his senses, figuring out which ones were heightened the most, if any, and to what extent and she helped fix the mask so it easily filtered everything out, made it all normal. She's talked him through panic attacks because of sensory overload. Shiloh knows better than anyone, even Ned and MJ and May, that Peter has had a hard time filtering out his senses but she also knows he  _can_  do it now. They worked on it. She helped him. He can.

"You can filter some of it out." Shiloh says and maybe that's true. Maybe Peter can ignore it sometimes but it's not all the time and he especially can't just ignore her heartbeat. Not hers. Not even if he wanted to. "Or at the very least, you don't get to acknowledge it with me anymore. You've been nice to me for four or five hours in two years, Pete. That doesn't make everything just go away. You  _hurt_ me. I care about you and I always have, always will but.....I don't trust you to know those things anymore. You gotta earn that trust back."

Another stab to Peter's heart and it's like he can hear a distant echo of the skeleton laughing from the dark depths of his mind. He knows that Shiloh isn't the most forgiving person and he knows that this is a long process, one he's not sure he can or wants to fully do. It's all still scary and having to listen to that distant echoed laugh isn't helping. It's amplifying Peter's fear that he's lost literally everything and not by death, but by him trying to protect people. Him trying to protect himself. It's all just haunting and crushing and overwhelming all at the same time. He wants her to trust him but he doesn't even know if he can trust himself.

It hurts Shiloh, too, to admit that she doesn't trust him. It's nothing new, really. She's known ever since he electrocuted her that that trust was really and truly broken but to have to say it out loud just makes it real and it hurts. Peter is the person she trusted with everything and now he's something she barely even recognizes. It's hard, painful and truly agonizing but it has to be said and it has to be done. Forgiving Peter now and just going off of clean slate doesn't do anything for either of them. Shiloh wants him back and it's tempting to let it go, but she can't.

Shiloh lightly moves her hand against Peter's left thigh, lips pursed before she takes a step back. "I have to go." Shiloh swallows the temptation to forgive him while Peter looks at her with glass eyes.

"I....how do...how do I do this again?" Peter asks as Shiloh starts to walk away.

"I think you're the only one who can answer that, Pete." Shiloh faces him with her words. "You're Peter Parker. You're my best friend. It's okay that you're not okay today or yesterday or a year ago. It's okay not to be okay. And I got you when you're not okay, no matter what. We all got you. But maybe you have to learn that you've got yourself, too."

It's okay that she doesn't trust him even though it hurts the both of them and it's okay that he's not okay. For once, it's okay that he's not and he's allowed not to be okay. He's allowed to not be a villain and not be a hero. Peter can take a break and find himself again, find a new way to be okay with the reality he's been too scared to face. He's allowed to be vulnerable and exposed because even if she can't trust him, _he_  can trust  _her_. He still trusts her with anything and everything in the entire universe. Without question, he knows that Shiloh doesn't give up on him.

"Um..." Her brows furrow and she just needs to say one last thing, maybe something that will give Peter a little bit more hope. "I haven't looked at your leg, by the way."

Peter's brows flick up, his mouth parting at the random statement. "Y-you didn't? Not when you came in?"

While it might be something that always makes him anxious, the thought of anyone seeing his leg, Shiloh came in so heated he didn't have time to think about the exposed scarred flesh molding with the metal. He was too focused on her but her bringing it up, remembering even in that heat of the moment when Peter didn't, brings a whole new feeling of reassurance over him, spreading through his chest and into the inner depths of his bones.

"You told me not to. You can show me when you're ready." Shiloh gives Peter a reassuring nod, a nod that tells him that it's okay before she turns back around.

"Wait," Peter says, Shiloh looking over her shoulder. Peter pauses as he listens to his own heart in his throat and he just doesn't want her to leave. At least when she's here with him, he still wants to run away from everything but he doesn't think he will because he'd rather watch over her instead. "C-can you stay?"

Of all times, Peter asks her to stay now, after all of that. "I can't." Shiloh says and she watches Peter's face fall, almost physically watching the courage completely wash away from his being. "I have to get treatments that help to stabilize the extremis. It only really works for some hours...I should have went when we got here but...." Shiloh bites the inside of her cheek as she shrugs. "Didn't wanna leave without knowing how you were okay. "

Peter forces just one end of his lip into the smallest and saddest smile. "Right..right." Peter says quietly. "Can you, uh, send Banner in...please?"

"Yeah," Shiloh says, fighting the urge to apologize for not staying with him.

It's not her fault she needs to leave. It's not her fault that this all feels like it's suffocating her. It's not her fault everything is a mess and it's not fully Peter's either and she doesn't have anything to apologize for.

Peter looks down, loose curls falling onto his forehead. "Thanks." He says so quietly Shiloh barely hears him but she does and when she does, she fights the urge to stay and exits the room.

Bruce, Pepper, and Harley are all out in the hallway, the three of them clearly waiting to find out what happened behind closed doors. Bruce is standing, picking at his nails while Pepper has just put her phone away, and Harley is chewing his lip, as if he's anticipating something.

Shiloh stormed in there and he didn't hear any yelling. That should mean Shiloh is saving her yelling for either another person or another time. And by the narrowing of Shiloh's eyes and scowl growing across her face as she locks eyes with him, Harley assumes Peter told her he came by and the yelling is being saved for him

"Is everything okay?" Pepper asks, walking to Shiloh and resting a hand on her shoulder.

"He wants you." Shiloh looks to Bruce and Bruce quickly nods and lets himself back into the room with Peter, clearly happy to be excused from whatever is about to happen in the hallway. "I gotta go for a treatment." Shiloh says and her voice is ice cold as she looks back to Harley.

"Shiloh." Harley says, taking a step forward and she backs away, moving a step away from Pepper as well. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk to you right now." Shiloh says, words flowing from her lips with cold simplicity, making Harley's stare go to the ground.

_**Yeah, Peter definitely opened his mouth.** _

"Look, just hear me--"

"Stop." Shiloh cuts him off with the shrug of her shoulders. "I don't care. I don't want to hear it."

"What did I miss here?" Pepper points between the two of them.

Harley and Shiloh both respond at the same time, giving different answers.

"Nothing!" Harley's eyes wide with the word, glued on Shiloh.

"Harley told Peter about the extremis." Shiloh's voice containing the same chilled but flat tone as she looks to Pepper.

"I didn't." Harley says, jaw clenching as his eyes glance from Shiloh to the door of Peter's examine room, wanting to hurl himself through the door and ask Peter what the fuck?

"It was you." Shiloh says with certainty looking away from Pepper and to Harley. "I'm gonna go." Shiloh turns away from them, and heads down the hall to the room she normally gets her treatments, not wanting to explain her feelings to her mom and not wanting to listen to some half-assed explanation from Harley.

"You better fix this." Pepper looks to Harley, her stare harsh and holding authority.

Harley looks away from Pepper and watches Shiloh, her ponytail only barely swaying with her determined steps. He doesn't regret going to Peter's, not at all because it can't be some coincidence that he tells Peter Shiloh's dying and now he's at the tower. What he said snapped some form of sense into Peter and Harley isn't going to apologize for that and he's not gonna let himself feel guilty over it, either. Peter is his friend, too even if his loyalty runs deeper with Shiloh. He can't watch two of his friends kill themselves.

So, Harley promises he'll go talk to her before leaving Pepper in the hall. But, Harley takes slow steps, wanting to make sure he's behind Shiloh enough and wanting her to have at least a minute or two of space. Without knowing the full story, Harley knows it's been a rough day for her and that's something he does feel guilty about.

Shiloh needs a break, someone needs to cut her a break. She needs to cut herself a break and maybe that's part of Harley's motives, just to get her to give herself a break. Some sleep and rest and just breathe for a few minutes, not worry about other people. She's like his sister and he just wants her to be okay again. Maybe she can say she's okay and maybe she looks like she is a lot of the time, but she's dying and she's in emotional turmoil over Peter. She's not okay.

Shiloh reaches the designated room and takes a seat in her normal chair when she actually stays in the medical wing of the tower. Her nurse is there within a few minutes, connecting her to an IV and leaving Shiloh alone upon request. Harley, after standing outside and waiting, walks in not long after and takes a seat opposite Shiloh.

She narrows her eyes at him and pulls out her phone, choosing to ignore him by scrolling endlessly through social media. He can talk but she can ignore him and besides, it's about time she goes through her social media and deletes things that seem irrelevant anyway. What better time than now when she's annoyed with everyone and should probably hear them out?

"I didn't tell him." Harley starts after a few moments of silence but Shiloh keeps her eyes on her phone, scrolling through Instagram and liking Betty's most recent picture of her packed suitcase. "Listen to me." Harley pulls his chair closer to her, but Shiloh keeps scrolling, seeing one of Bucky's pictures from Spain, his entire feed surprisingly fitting a clean and neat aesthetic. "Shiloh." Harley grits his teeth and Shiloh finally looks up, sucking in breath, locking her jaw. "I didn't tell him."

Shiloh groans and locks her phone. "How the  _fuck_  does he know then, Harley?"

"He's a genius?" Harley quips. "I'm surprised he didn't know. You hide it as well as he hides being Spider-Man."

"That's bullshit and you know it." Shiloh says with an annoyed grimace.

"I went to his apartment and I talked to him but I didn't tell him about the extremis." Harley says and it's a loophole in the promise and he knows Shiloh is gonna be pissed anyway and rightfully so.

Him hinting and suggesting things about her health to Peter isn't right. It is betraying her trust but is he really supposed to sit back and attend two more funerals?

"Harley, what the fuck?" Shiloh's eyes are wide. "What did you say?"

"I just said you were dying," Harley says, almost too nonchalantly. "And he said that if you were, you would have told him." Harley explains. "I told him you don't tell him everything and I brought up Pepper being tortured and you being kidnapped. That's it though." Harley leaves out the rest of the conversation, knowing it'll just annoy her more and piss her off. She only needs to know what he told Peter in regards to her health, not that Peter should let her go.

"Oh, so you suggested that I was dying because I was also tortured with extremis? That's so much better than you actually telling him. Thanks, Harley. Glad to know I can count on you." Sarcastic venom drips from her words before she goes right back to her phone, choosing to ignore whatever else Harley has to say.

When Shiloh was kidnapped with Pepper, Killian and his goons put them in standing contraptions so they couldn't get out and would have to endure the extremis. Pepper was first and she tried to hold it together. Her daughter was there, she had to but after only a few minutes, the burning only intensified and it felt like she was walking on the face of the sun, like someone was setting a blowtorch through her bloodstream and she couldn't anymore. And Shiloh didn't have much time to actually process what was happening when they started injecting her with extremis.

To say it was the most painful experience Shiloh has ever endured would be an understatement. It was like fire ants, thousands upon thousands just crawling through her bloodstream, biting and eating away at her veins from the inside out. Her entire body was on fire, temperature rising to an alarming height and her head spun while her chest tightened with every agonizing scream and sob.

Her ears rang with the scream of Pepper calling out for Tony and to this day, Shiloh can still hear it. And when she really thinks about it, Shiloh can remember how raw her throat was for a week from screaming in agony and screaming for Tony to help.

Tony's her dad, he's Iron Man, he's the hero and Shiloh remembers vividly screaming and crying for him to save them and then feeling completely hopeless when the building's structure started to crumble.

But, Tony did come, him and Rhodey. Tony got her out first, handing her off to Rhodey who made sure Shiloh and the president got to safety above everyone and everything else. Which, was a relief, sure, especially at ten but being saved didn't stop the pain from radiating through her bloodstream, that didn't start to fade for another hour or so. And of course, Tony was able to stabilize it for Shiloh and Pepper after everything, but that didn't erase the experience from Shiloh's' mind and it's why she doesn't want to talk about it. It's why Harley is the only one she's ever told the whole story to and if she were honest, it's probably only because Harley was the only person her age she trusted. And he was kind of the whole reason Tony was even able to get back on his feet after landing in Tennessee.

Shiloh told him that she didn't want people to know. It's just a part of her life, she was kidnapped and tortured at ten. And she really didn't want Peter to know. Harley promised especially he wouldn't tell Peter. When Shiloh met Peter, it was only a few months before his uncle died and then by the time he met Harley, Peter was dealing with being new to Spider-Man, having no idea Shiloh figured it out within the first two weeks of Peter getting his powers. There was never a reason to tell Peter and Shiloh never wanted him to worry or feel pity for her. It's what Peter does, he worries and he was already worrying about May since she lost Ben and he was putting guilt on himself for it. She just couldn't burden him so it just always stayed buried. And now it's been nearly ten years since that promise was made and Harley broke that cone of silence.

"It's not your place to tell anyone anything, Harley." Shiloh says, her voice acidic.

Harley groans, his head going back in frustration before he looks back to Shiloh, throwing a hand out. "I know! Don't you think I know that?" Harley burst out. "Fuck," He huffs, running a hand through his blonde hair. "You're dying, whether you wanna admit that or not, you are and so is he!" Harley's voice raises again, this time it's almost accusatory. "I come here and I see you chasing after him, getting attached to an IV  _because of him_  and I see him, just fucking around with his life like it means nothing." His brows knit together and his face is somewhere between disgust and pain. "He's my friend, too. I'm not going to attend two more funerals because you're both idiots." He pauses for a second to allow himself to calm down a little. "I didn't tell him but I hinted at it because I hoped that it would turn him around and save you both and he's here, isn't he?"

It pisses Shiloh off more than anything that Harley has a good point. His intentions were good. It was the execution that was bad. But, Shiloh lost MJ and Flash, and May who was like another mom to her. She nearly lost her own life and she's watched Peter nearly die a hundred times, seen Ned bleeding out, watching Tony almost die a hundred times. She watched people turn to dust. She turned to dust. Shiloh has been through a lot, more than Harley but less than Peter. This isn't something she'd wish on anyone. Going through all of that and most of it happening before even turning twenty-one, she can't blame Harley for trying to do something. Shiloh and Peter always put on suits to try and save people, Harley uses his words.

"Yeah..." Shiloh mumbles, looking to the floor. Peter  _is_  here and maybe it has something to do with what else Harley told him. Maybe it was the entire night, Harley, the muggers, Shiloh staying. The perfect combination to get some light to Peter's head. "Whatever you said....Peter's in there." Shiloh says quietly.

Harley tilts his head, brows furrowing. "What do you mean?" His voice is cautious, treading lightly over the new calmness of Shiloh's voice.

She shrugs a shoulder. "He's in there. Somewhere, Peter is there not whoever he's trying to be. It just....." Shiloh chews the inside of her cheek. "It's like I can see him drowning himself." Her eyes meet Harley's. "And...I've been trying to pull him up for so long and it's not working. But, whatever you said, I dunno." Her eyes go a little misty as she looks to the floor. "I just  _really_  want Pete back."

Harley nods in understanding. "What I said might have helped, but he needs to do this on his own. You can't keep saving him and expect him to know how to......." Harley's eyes squint, trying to match the metaphor. "Swim on his own." Shiloh's eyes go back to his. "You've always been there for him and he was for you, it's just different now."

"What do you suggest I do?" Shiloh asks, eyes sad and desperate for an answer.

Harley shakes his head. "I don't know." He huffs, lips curling into a smile. "You're gonna do what you want but I think you should give him space to come to you."

"Right," Shiloh gives a soft laugh that's more of a huff, eyes darting back to the floor.

"Hey," Harley taps her head. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I told him." Harleys says. "Not sorry for telling him anything though." Harley admits.

Shiloh rolls her eyes but leans back in her seat. "You suck, you know?"

The corners of Harley's mouth twitch into a smile as he huffs. "Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?" Harley chuckles, Shiloh barely smiling to herself but she's lost all tension in her face. "Is he alright, though?"

Shiloh quirks a brow. "Not my stuff to tell." She retorts, a mocking smirk pulling at her lips.

Harley's hands go up in surrender. "Forget I asked."

"Mhm," Shiloh hums, before the two of them fall silent, this time it being a much more comfortable silence than before.

 


	11. 3am vulnerability

Peter's eyes watch as his feet walk across the tiled floor of the tower, hearing the quiet sound of a TV playing from somewhere down the hallway, likely still playing from someone falling asleep and not making it to their room. He still knows this tower like the back of his hand, having spent so much time here and living here half the time. While, it's a little awkward and a little scary to be here, not quite feeling like he belongs anymore, there is almost this sense of comfort as he walks alone.

As far as he knows, no one is awake, or at least, awake and near him. It's been about three maybe four hours since he last saw Shiloh, since he last saw anyone besides Bruce and it's reaching half-past three now so of course, everyone  _should_ be asleep. Clint and Tony might be awake, the only ones awake somewhere but Clint's probably awake in his own room with Nat or he might be the one in the approaching living room and Tony would be down in the labs, working on new tech or trying to find a way to stabilize the extremis. But, here, walking through the halls, it's just Peter. It brings him back to nights when he'd sneak into Shiloh's room late at night.

The sneaking really became unnecessary as they got older as they didn't actually have a time for "lights out" anymore but it never stopped Peter from climbing the walls and crawling on the ceiling to avoid making noise and being seen just to get to her room. It always made her laugh and maybe that's why he always did it. From kids to college students, it just always made her laugh and after she was attacked by Doc Ock, it was one of the only things that really got her to laugh for awhile, especially in Peter's presence. But, either way, when Peter would get to her room, all they ever did was talk or turn on a movie, sharing a bag of gummy worms. Sometimes a little bit of tradition and routine is good, safe for memories

But, tonight isn't like those other nights. It's not Peter crawling on walls and the ceiling to split a bag of gummy candy. It's not getting caught by Tony who just questions why Peter was crawling on the ceiling when he could just  _walk_. It's a night of hopeless steps with tired eyes and aching bones, heart in his stomach and broken trust. Tonight, is a whole new night of Peter walking down the hallway and catching a glimpse of Shiloh on the couch as he reaches the living room, her eyes on the screen, blue light illuminating her face.

He pauses, stops in his tracks as he sees her and he should probably keep walking to sleep off the night. She probably wants nothing to do with him anyway, not tonight. And it's late and he's had a hard day between getting shot and having to fight off the skeleton in his head. He's exhausted but Shiloh's still awake and that just doesn't seem right. But, the last he talked to her, she didn't trust him and it didn't go well so why would she want him around right now?

Maybe he shouldn't have stopped, should've just kept walking, pretend like he didn't see her. But seeing her awake at this hour, not in a lab or her room, it's a reflex for him to stop. After all of this time, it's still a reflex. If anyone deserves proper sleep, especially after tonight, it's Shiloh. But, despite Peter wanting to ask why she's still awake, this is her time so Peter starts walking, keeping his steps quiet but as he starts walking past, Shiloh catches sight of him, eyes flicking in his direction.

Shiloh's brows furrow as she sees him in the dark, black shorts cutting at the knee of the prosthetic and white shirt barely reflecting the backlight of the TV. "Hey? Peter?" Shiloh calls and Peter stops again, turning to face her with a nervous huff.

"Um....hey?" Peter bites his lip, his eyes look to the side before going to her.

"What're you doing?" Shiloh asks, pausing her TV. "It's late."

"Yeah..." He glances to the floor with a shallow breath. "B-banner, he uh, he just got done with some tests." Peter looks back to her, scars a pale blue from the light of the TV reflecting off of her face. "What're you doing awake?"

Shiloh fidgets in her seat and how is she supposed to tell him that despite what she said earlier, she's only awake in this living room to see him. She knows his room is right down the hall and that he'd have to bypass  _this_  living room in order to get there. How is she supposed to tell him that she can't sleep without knowing he's okay?

"Couldn't sleep." Shiloh shrugs, words nonchalant.

Peter nods softly before he furrows his brows and takes one step back. "I-I'm sorry." Peter swallows thickly and Shiloh opens her mouth but Peter keeps talking. "For....everything. And that you can't sleep but for everything," Peter lets out a breath and whispers. "Today." His hands move in front of him, fingers of his right hand picking at the calluses of his left hand.

"I know." Shiloh's voice candid but her eyes fill touches of sorrow, still torn on the events and just wanting him.

She's in a war with herself over it. She could have died and it would have been his fault but he's so far underwater that he's just dragging people down with him and it's not even his fault. It's just a reflex, involuntary, it happens and if he were better, if he  _got better_  it'd all be fine but he's not. So, she just keeps going back and forth with being hurt and pissed and scared.

And there's a horrible silence that surrounds the two of them, almost like it's wanting to swallow them whole. And Peter's thoughts are running around, back and forth, screaming to start talking, spill everything that's running through his head. He already talks when he's nervous but he has so much to say and she's barely even looking at him and she can't sleep and he's so sorry for everything. And she has to know that.

Peter moves forward a little, his words rushing out. "I never was gonna leave you, I promise. I-I-I-I...I was gonna just....sit on top of a roof and make sure you were okay. I never would have let them do anything to you.....I wouldn't do that to you." Peter's voice is a bit frantic like he knows that's what's got Shiloh awake, like he knows exactly what she's thinking without her having to tell him but maybe that's because it's eating him up just as much as it's eating at her or maybe it's the history between them, maybe it's both.

Shiloh chews on her lip, hands fiddling with the blanket over her lap. He's broken. Broken and fragile and he just can't watch anyone else get hurt and he can't do the hero thing. It's too much and if anyone understands, understands what he's trying to do, it's her. In some backwards logic kind of way, maybe she would have tried something similar. It's not as forgivable as other things, but hearing that Peter never planned to leave her in the frantic voice that begs and pleads for her to believe him, she knows he's not lying. He regrets it.

**_He's making an effort, give him a little slack._ **

"You wanna come sit?" Shiloh offers, her eyes dating to the spot beside her.

Peter's eyes widen and he wants to run away as he usually does -  ** _too close, too much, too fast_**  - but his feet don't turn him around. His head says run but his heart says  _move forward_. And for once, Peter's body listens to his heart. His feet move _forward_. She's that light at the end of the tunnel and while the darkness is calming and comfortable, familiar, the light she holds is so warm and beautiful that Peter just needs to move forward.

Shiloh offers him a tender smile, moving over and lending him some of her blanket while he takes a seat. He pulls his left leg up and under his right thigh, trying to get himself comfortable as his eyes go to the TV and see that she's got Black Mirror on. And silence consumes them as Shiloh turns the TV back on.

They both watch and listen but neither of them are fully paying attention to what's happening. They're both lost in their heads, thousands of questions and apologies wanting to sputter out with every passing second. It's just been so long and all of this maybe could have been prevented. Maybe if one tried harder sooner or if one took the blame one more time rather than the other, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe it's all just one big mistake of the both of them.

"Why do you do it?" Shiloh breaks the silence, unable to stand the stiffness of the air between her and Peter."You know....the crime. You never stood by it before and now it's all you do." She continued, looking at Peter through the corner of her eye.

"I dunno." Peter huffs, head hanging. "I...I thought maybe it was....easier I guess. If-if I do this, uh, maybe you won't want to be around me and then....you won't, um, you won't end up like Flash or MJ or May." Peter swallows thickly, feeling his chest tighten with his words. "It's all my fault, everything. I-I thought maybe if you hated me, you'd be safe."

Peter's head remains hung with his fragile words. Everyone would be safer not around Peter. That's what it always comes down to and he just can't lose her, too. It doesn't matter how many times he repeats it to himself, it just needs to be repeated. He needs to remind himself what she means to him and how he couldn't handle it. If she died, he would literally go out of his freaking mind and if she died  _because_ of him...

Shiloh turns and faces him without a thought, her legs crossing. "Peter, I could never hate you. Ever. I care about you, Pete." Her eyes search his with her breathy words.

Peter's eyes flicker around to Shiloh. He looks over her, starting from where her hands lay clasped in her lap, making their way up to her torso. She's wearing a tank top and it almost accentuates the pale scars on her shoulders. Her chest moves up and down with every breath, the blood on her neck gone, no longer a reminder of the night's events. And Peter's eyes finally reach her face, the scars just seem too bright tonight and it's probably just the blue light from the TV or maybe it's Peter just focusing too much on them. He notices every crevice that seems to fade off from the long and deeper scars, he notices where Doc Ock's claw dug into her face and caused the most damage. That area a paler shade and visibly more rigid from the tear of flesh. And it all just burns. It burns every part of Peter's body as he looks at her. How can she not hate him for that?

Shiloh watches his eyes and suddenly, she's very aware of her scars again. She's put in that position Peter's been in all night, having to show his back to her and his leg to Bruce. Exposure and vulnerability. But, she pushes her own insecurities away and lets her heart ache  _for him_ , wanting to lift that blame and guilt off of him because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve any of this. None of this could ever be his fault. That isn't Peter. Even when he tries to be some form of a criminal, it's still not him.

"None of this is your fault." Peter pulls his eyes away from the scars and his eyes meet hers. "That?" Shiloh gestures a finger around herself. "That's on Doc Ock. That's his fault, not yours. You needed to protect to MJ. Not me, I can handle myself and I think we both know that damn well. He  _should have_  gone after MJ but he didn't as spite and arrogance. I don't blame you." Shiloh moves a little closer to him, her voice a type of gentle plea. "I had to be in recovery for months and you were there the whole time. I never blamed you, not for a second. I know...." Shiloh pauses and it's her that starts to get consumed with guilt. "I know I said it was your fault before, when it happened and I know I apologized for it later but...I don't think I ever told you I didn't blame you. And Pete, I am so sorry." Shiloh swallows the lump in her throat with her words.

Just like Peter, Shiloh needed someone to blame when things got rough. Scarred and beaten and bloody and bruised. Broken. She needed someone to blame and who better than Peter Parker. Her best friend who chose his girlfriend over her. It was shallow. A low-blow. And she knew that, a fire burning in the pit of her stomach whenever she said she blamed Peter but she was just angry at the situation, she couldn't help it.

Depression hit with having to be laid up in bed and going to physical therapy, giving up lab time and school and cheerleading. And body image issues surfaced from the wounds that would scar after multiple surgeries. It never was about Peter, it was about her not being able to cope properly and yet Peter never left because he knew that. He knew it wasn't about him.

Shiloh had taken out her problems on Peter for months but the initial blow of blame came in the first week, after that it was mostly just her bad days. Not that that's an excuse but like she said, she did apologize for blaming him. It was just her bad days that got her, the bad days where she couldn't see the light of her own mind. And Peter got that. He let her blame him when she was bad and he was there for her like he always was on her good days. Friends with a shared bag of gummy worms.

"I know you didn't." Peter says quietly. "You should have though." His eyes are back on her scars and he wants to reach out and run his hands over them, something to just solidify his words but he can't. That's just  _too much_.  ** _Too heavy._**  "I should have saved you." His head tilts to the left, brows knitting together while his mouth purses.

" _You did_." Shiloh lets out a breath, a sad smile twitching onto her face. "Peter, I'm alive because you did save me. You showed up. So, what I have scars. So, do you. So, does my dad. That's just a thing that happens."

Peter nods and lets himself face the TV again. She is right even if it's hard for Peter to accept. He did swing in and he defeated Doc Ock, got her to a hospital in time, he did save her. The scars she sustained from Doc Ock grabbing her would have happened no matter what Peter would have done. The point is that he saved her. That's what matters and Shiloh just needs him to know that and maybe if it weren't for everything else that's happened, maybe he would have never second-guessed it. She just wants him to stop beating himself up so she moves closer, closing the distance between them, her knees touching his left leg, her torso still facing him.

Peter turns his torso towards her, his leg on fire with her barely touching him and they're so close again. His breath hitches in his throat and he has this love/hate relationship with this close proximity. She's warm and comfortable and she just makes everything cold and dark melt and hide. She keeps him calm without even trying. Her being only a few inches from his face is enough to get him nervous but get the self-hatred and blame to ease, enough for his head to be a little clearer. The chaos calms with her bright eyes looking at him. She's a type of clarity and Peter doesn't really know how or why she does it and it might scare him to no end but maybe that's okay. It's okay to be scared.

"Can I ask you something?" Shiloh asks in a hushed whisper. Peter nods, not wanting to speak, afraid of what his voice might sound like. "Why didn't you tell anyone you were clean?" It's eaten at her since Bruce told her and it's after four in the morning. All bits of rational thinking have gone out the window.

Peter closes his eyes for a second before they meet with hers, a mist almost forming over them, his chin wrinkling slightly. "No one ever asked." The fragile and hollow tone shatters every part of Shiloh's heart.

She should have asked. Every part of her body is bellowing and hollering at her, berating her because she should have fucking asked. All Shiloh had to do was ask Peter. That's what friends do, right? They make sure their friends are clean. They make sure they're alright and Shiloh didn't do that, not in that way. And yeah, maybe it's because after a few years of having to watch Peter high out of his mind, it became harder and harder for her to watch and witness but she could have asked him. Someone could have asked him.

"I'm so sorry." Shiloh croaked. "I...I should have asked. I'm sorry." Peter nods because he gets it. He doesn't blame her for it. He wouldn't have asked either. Shiloh leans forward and her hands move to his face slowly, Peter's breath stopping in his throat with the contact. Her thumbs run over his cheeks and her eyes are so distressed and devastated, it's enough to make Peter look away from her but not enough to pull away. "How long?"

"Since May died." Peter whispers, looking back to her. "I...uh, I quit the day after because if I wasn't high.....I could have gotten there in time. Guess my-my healing factor was still....working so I didn't have any of the serious withdrawal symptoms." Peter explains, tears starting to fill the rims of his eyes.

"Peter, I'm so sorry." Shiloh whispers and Peter's chin wrinkles in response while he places his hands on her wrists.

His hands wrap around her small wrists, pulling her hands away from his face, needing something more because he's about to fall apart. "I-I-I-I just miss her, Shi." Peter's voice breaks as tears start to fall down his cheeks.

"Pete--"

"I...I just really miss her and MJ and I...." Peter sobs and makes the first move with hot and salty tears streaming down his cheeks.

He leans forward, his forehead falling onto Shiloh's shoulder and she doesn't even take one second to think before her arms come around his body, pulling him into her as much as she can. And with that comforting hug, Peter's hands reach to her sides and grip her shirt, something to help ground him. His body shakes with every sob that leaves his lips and Shiloh finds herself biting her tongue and looking to the ceiling, trying to hold back her own tears from falling, begging everyone who might be out there, the universe, something, for a break.

**_Make it all stop. Just give Peter a break. Let him breathe, for everything that might be good, let him breathe because despite everything, Peter is good and he deserves better._ **

Everything is so broken and how broken can things get before they're simply not fixable anymore? Things can only be broken so much before there are pieces missing and it's impossible to put back together whole, like the way it was before. And Shiloh's biggest fear is that that's what's happening with Peter.

He's missing all of these pieces and he needs help to try and find them, put them back together and glue them in the right places but what if they're just too gone? They're disintegrated from the weight of the guilt and blame from everything else that's happened to him? Can he get new pieces to fill those spots? Because he deserves to be okay and to be healed and glued back together with indestructible glue.

**_He is one of the good ones. Let him be okay again,_ **

Peter's sobs start to subside with Shiloh's hand running up and down his back, her head leaning against his. And his tears slow until there's no more left and his heart pounds and aches with every beat and his eyes are puffy and burn. He misses May and MJ and he misses being himself. He wants himself back again. He wants Shiloh back, he just wants his damn life back again.

"Shi?" Peter picks his head up, tear-stained cheeks meeting Shiloh's gaze before he rubs his eyes. "Um...is...is it okay if I stay...in here until you go to bed?" He asks with a croaky voice, desperation in every word.  ** _I can't be alone tonight._**

"Yeah," Shiloh nods with a fragile and small smile, one hand pushing Peter's messy hair away from his face. "Of course, you can, Pete."

Truthfully, she's pretty tired but hell, she doesn't plan on moving even a little bit if it'll give Peter some type of comfort. She will stay up for the next three days if that's what it takes. She can sleep when she's dead.

So, the two of them resituate, sitting leg to leg and Shiloh offers Peter her hand, not wanting to really overstep but still wanting to offer him something and her hand worked on the way here, so maybe holding his hand now will help. And he interlocks her fingers, this time with no hesitation and grants her a smile, one that only she could tell was a smile with the faintness of it but it's enough. And soon enough, they're sat in a comfortable silence with the TV playing, Shiloh's thumb rubbing soft circles over the top of Peter's hand, Peter slowly falling into the same rhythm against hers.

The episode plays on and Peter's heart doesn't ache as bad as it has over the past two years. It's like it's a little easier to breathe, like he's not completely drowning anymore. He can gasp a little and his head feels a little lighter. It just feels a little bit better, just enough to give him hope that this isn't completely impossible. And he is so thankful for this, for  _Shiloh_  who's nodding off beside him, her head starting to fall onto his shoulder and he doesn't have it in him to leave her yet. She makes him feel something good. Something warm that doesn't burn like sulfuric acid. She makes him a type of whole again and it's a little selfish but he doesn't want to go yet.  _She keeps him calm._

"Shi?" Peter calls and Shiloh jerks back to reality, looking up to him with hooded eyes and raised brows.

"I'm just....I'm getting a little tired." Peter sucks in a nervous breath. "C-can we lay down....please?"

Shiloh's eyes widen as much as they can in her tired state, almost thinking she didn't hear him right but hoping she did. "Yeah, sure." Shiloh gives him a gentle smile, moving to the other end of the couch so Peter can lay down and get comfortable and there's this space between him and the edge of the couch, like he's waiting for her to join him and he did say  _"we"_.

We is an invitation but he could have meant in general like the two of them on either side of the couch, how they usually fell asleep if they fell asleep in any of the living rooms. Maybe that's what he meant but maybe Shiloh should test the waters. He's looking at her and it's like he wants to ask her to lay with him but he doesn't know how. Like maybe he just can't bring himself to say the words. And he said  _we_  so Shiloh decides to ask instead of putting pressure on just moving.

"Can I lay with you?" Shiloh asks, voice a little shaky with nerves as she asks. "You're just really warm." A blush creeps onto her face. "I get cold." Her eyes are on Peter's, a blush creeps onto his cheeks as well, nodding and almost completely through the roof she asked because he did not have it in him to specify he wanted her to lay with him.

Shiloh moves over to him and she makes herself comfortable with Peter's arm wrapping around her shoulder, one of her arms moving over his torso and her leg just barely laying on top of his, careful not to move it too close to the metal one. And it's like they both can just exhale with the position, wrapped in each other under a blanket in the middle of the night. Like they're both fully safe right here and right now, just the two of them against the world. How it used to be.

And Shiloh's hand holds onto the loose fabric of his old t-shirt while she listens to his heartbeat, wondering if that's what Peter hears all the time with everyone. A constant string of thunder, some different from others. If so, she understands a little why he'd always be listening to hers because this, this is one of the most calming things she's ever listened to. Hearing his heartbeat as confirmation he's alive. He's breathing under her and it's like the most beautiful melody she's ever heard and she never wants it to stop.

Peter's rubbing soft circles over her exposed shoulder, careful not to touch the scar, every now and again looking over to make sure he hasn't touched it before his attention goes back to the TV. And there's something comforting with doing it, just having her lay on him and his fingers just moving along her skin. It's been ages since he's had contact with someone, like this, and he's  _happy_. For the first time since he doesn't know when, he feels happy. And Peter is so happy this is with  _her_.

"You can touch it if you want." Shiloh whispers, her eyes barely open on the screen as she feels Peter look down to her. "The scar, I don't care. Doesn't hurt." The words are slightly slurred as they leave her lips, making Peter's heart swell.

In another world, maybe he would have kissed the top of her head and whispered something kind or loving but in this world, he doesn't. He just nods with only the hint of a smile and his eyes go to the scar, fingers lightly fanning over it. Shiloh drifts off with every movement of his fingers and it's like this is a sign of hope, big and bright neon letters of hope and healing flashing above Peter.

 


	12. morning glow

Peter's eyes flutter open with the bright light of the late morning coming through the floor-to-ceiling windows, TV no longer on. His eyes meet Shiloh's sleeping face, him having rolled onto his side in his sleep and facing her. Her arm is still wrapped around his torso, her fingers grasping the fabric of his shirt while he's got his other arm holding her to him. And, just the corners of his mouth pulls into the most tender smile as he watches her sleep and it's the most at peace he's felt in years.

He brings his hand up and brushes a strand of hair from her face before moving his fingers, delicate and holding a slight quiver, to her cheek, minding the scars. And his eyes are soft as he looks at her, thumb lightly tracing over her skin. The morning glow of the sun brightens the room and she's breathing against him, her heart beating at a slow but steady rate.

She looks absolutely and undeniably beautiful, finally, sleeping and just as at peace as Peter. His heart swells and he doesn't plan to ever move. He'll lay here, despite really needing to go to the bathroom, if it means she gets to sleep. The skeleton in his head is completely silent. It's silent, he can't even hear it screaming from the blinding light anymore because he is  _happy_. Content and at peace and it's because of  _her_.

**_How's she do that?_ **

But, then the hairs on Peter's neck start to stand up and everything starts to slow down. Goosebumps form across his body, hairs on his arm stand on end and he's suddenly aware of every breath and footstep across the entire tower. And he doesn't have his webshooters because this is the safe place. He is supposed to be safe here and really, he is, but his spider-sense doesn't know that anymore. Last night was the first time in two years Peter's listened to it and he's listening now.

Peter moves himself quickly over Shiloh, ignoring the shooting pain through his right leg and right side, making sure she's the one protected. His right hand holds himself up and by the time he's sticking his left arm out, ready to clothesline whoever is coming near, his fist connects right to the shoulder of whoever was approaching, sending them to the side in shooting pain all while the sudden movement and yell wakes Shiloh up.

She squints her eyes up at Peter, seeing him on top of her. She looks to one side and she catches a glimpse of Harley, face red while he rubs his arm and for a second, she's almost certain she's definitely having some out of body dream. Peter, on top of her, protecting her from the danger of probably a Nerf gun from Harley.

**_Nope, that's definitely reality._ **

"Why'd you hit me?!" Harley yells at Peter, still rubbing his arm that's definitely going to bruise later.

Peter stares at him, jaw fumbling for words. "I-I thought...I thought...I dunno! You came out of nowhere!" Peter defends.

Shiloh watches the boys yell between each other, Harley screaming about how Peter could have broken his arm or his face and Peter defending himself by yelling that Harley knows not to sneak up on him. Truthfully, it would annoy the hell out of Shiloh if she weren't so interested in the fact Peter has made no effort to move off of her and it's giving her an interesting view of his messy bedhead and his adam's apple bobbing with every yell. His bicep is flexed beside her, another friendly reminder of his super strength and his chiseled jawline in perfect view with his head tilted towards Harley, faint freckles covering his nose that's been broken a few too many times. And maybe he's even prettier in the morning glow, even if he is yelling at Harley.

"What're you doin', Pete?" Shiloh asks, voice drenched in sleep, breaking up the yelling.

Peter looks down to her, eyes wide like a deer in headlights and he immediately moves off her, going to the other end of the couch. "S-sorry...um..."  ** _Reflex._**

Shiloh can't help but feel cold and even a little disappointed when Peter moves but she brushes it off. "It's okay." Shiloh laughs softly before looking to Harley and changing her entire demeanor. "What the hell, man? You bitch and moan that I don't fucking sleep. I finally get some sleep and you come here, waking our asses up. What the fuck?" Shiloh uses her elbow to sit up, looking directly at Harley.

"You two were the ones asleep on the couch in the living room. Ya know, the room where people  _live_." Harley mocks, gesturing out, showing the yellow and orange toy gun in hand.

In Harley's defense, he's also a little confused on the sight he's seeing, not that two people can't fall asleep on a couch together. That's totally fine but...he's looking at the two of them, Peter's immediate reflex not being to attack but to protect Shiloh and Shiloh's reflex not to push Peter off of her but to smile at him. First thing in the morning. She's not a morning person.  ** _Isn't she supposed to have a girlfriend?_**

Shiloh and Peter look to each other, Peter's cheeks hot red while Shiloh just shrugs her shoulders, feeling like her heart is about to run right out of her chest, thinking back on everything that was said the night before and how perfect it felt to be on Peter's chest with his arm around her. How safe and perfect it felt, how it just felt right for the first time in a long time.

"What of it?" Shiloh questions, bits of snark and sarcasm lace her words.

Harley's face scrunches as he laughs before pointing behind the couch and towards the kitchen. "I was told to wake you up."

Shiloh and Peter look to the kitchen and see Tony standing there, drinking some type of fruit shake, looking over something on a tablet and Peter's heart plummets.  ** _Oh no_**. Shiloh rolls her eyes, knowing Tony just didn't want to do it himself because he's trying not to be a hover-dad, especially now that Shiloh and Peter are older, living on their own. But, it's hard for him. It's hard with everything he's seen and gone through, watched the two of them go through but he tries.

But, Peter wants to run very far away from all of this. After Ben died, Peter didn't have another father figure and Ben was more of a father than Peter's dad was since his dad died when he was so young. Ben's the one that raised him so it was hard but he could do it. But, then Tony showed up and Peter was already friends with Shiloh and Tony fell into that father-figure role for Peter between his friendship with Shiloh and his mentorship with Tony recruiting Spider-Man. But now so much time has passed and Peter knows he's disappointed Tony.

Peter went from making him proud, doing his duty as Spider-Man to protect the little people, to protect Shiloh to completely disregarding all hero responsibilities and putting not only innocent people in danger with Tony's own technology but also endangering and hurting his own daughter. Seeing Tony might actually be harder in a way than trying to communicate with Shiloh. At least, Shiloh has taken out her frustrations on Peter before, at least Shiloh is the same age and she gets him, but Tony has only ever been like a parent to him. Trying his best. Peter let him down.

"Thank you, Harley." Tony says, voice unamused as he looks up to the living room, his eyes shifting between Shiloh and Peter. "Good morning to you both."

"Morning." Shiloh mutters, looking back to Peter with a soft and encouraging smile before she starts getting to her feet.

"G-good morning...Tony." Peter says, eyes diverting between Shiloh and Tony.

**_How did *I* wake up like that and get pushed into *this*?_ **

"Good morning, Pete." Tony says, stoic smile being thrown in Peter's direction.

It's weird for Tony to see Peter, too because, at the end of the day, he knew Peter looked at him like a father-figure and he looked at Peter like a son, just as he does with Harley. It's like Tony's failed Peter, failed at trying to be a father-figure, failed at being a mentor, failed at just being an adult he can look up to. Maybe he should have been there more for Peter instead of trying to let Shiloh and May take care of it, keeping his distance because Peter needed to learn to handle things on his own and Shiloh needed to learn that lesson, too. Now, Peter's a wreck and maybe Tony should have stepped in. But maybe Peter would have still been an addict and still got himself in worlds of hurt. Maybe there was nothing anyone could do to prevent the pain Peter has been in. Maybe that's just how it is.

Shiloh looks down to Peter who is making no effort to move from his seat on the couch and extends a hand to him. "Get up." Shiloh says, opening and closing her hand.

"Um...." Peter looks at the small family staring back at him and what he would give to be able to crawl under a rock and just die right there. "M-my leg and-and side...hurt so I'm gonna--"

"Get up and get food." Shiloh cuts him off, raising one brow at him and not moving her hand.

Last night was one thing. It was hurting and just trying to get the bare minimum of emotions of out to try and sort this out. Try to take steps forward and to the both of them, they have. Peter blames himself for everything and Shiloh is right there proving and reminding him it's not all his fault. And Shiloh is expressing her never-ending worry for him as well as how deeply she cares for him. So, that's progress. The two of them cuddling on the couch and trusting each other, despite everything and despite what Shiloh said in the exam room, enough to sleep. And sleep well because neither of them have felt this refreshed in ages. But, that was last night and today is a new day.

Today is a day where Peter needs to move. He can't sit on the couch and just talk. If he wants to talk, that's great but he needs to move. Progress is moving and that's getting up and continuing to face the remnants of last night. That means getting up, going to the kitchen with Tony, having some breakfast, and then going to Bruce. It's him needing to face more fears and insecurities today, even if it stops after breakfast and he locks himself in the med wing with Bruce for the rest of the day. The smallest effort needs to be made today. That starts here. Breakfast.

Peter sighs but extends a shaky hand to hers and Shiloh pulls him up carefully, making sure he's steady on his feet, Harley watching with confusion and a scrunched face, wondering what the hell he missed in the hours he was asleep. But, he stays quiet and follows Peter and Shiloh to the kitchen where Peter takes a seat, the one he always took on Saturday mornings. Shiloh makes her way to a cabinet for a box of cereal, pulling out her favorite as well as shaking the half-empty box of Frosted Flakes at Peter. He gives her a sheepish smile but nods, confirming the cereal of choice. He's always had a thing for the cereal, so much so that it was always stocked in the tower for when he'd stay.

Shiloh follows it up with two bowls and spoons, Tony handing her the right milk before she makes her way to sit beside Peter. The kitchen remains in silence as Peter and Shiloh get their cereal and start eating, Shiloh glances to Tony and Harley while Peter keeps his eyes on his cereal as if not looking at anyone makes him completely invisible.

"Well...." Harley breaks the silence. "I gotta go meet Pepper." Harley wraps an arm around Shiloh, making her stop mid-chew and raise a brow at him.

"You're really doing it?" She asks after swallowing the food in her mouth.

"Yep." Harley beams. "I'm gonna be your boss."

"Aww, that's cute." Shiloh says, sarcasm dripping through her words as she goes back to eating her cereal.

"I'll fire you." Harley groans, moving between her and Peter.

"Bold of you to assume I'll let you fire me." Shiloh chortles, Tony grinning to himself, eyes still on the tablet.

"That's not how it works!" Harley fake-whines before looking to Peter. "You wanna back me up?"

Peter's eyes widen, looking at Harley and his heart is in his throat. He thought Harley wouldn't want anything to do with him.  ** _Did Shiloh not tell him everything from last night? She had to have._** And yet, Harley is being.....chipper and nice to him, right after the minor yelling match of them both being scared. Harley should be anything besides nice. He should be cold or overprotective or  _something_. Peter fucked up and nearly got Shiloh and himself killed.

"Um...." Peter swallows thickly, glancing between them. "I, uh, I think you know you can't fire her if you tried. She'll keep showing up." The corner of Peter's mouth twitches into a smirk as Shiloh glares at him, making Peter only grin more to himself before going back to his food.

"Yeah..." Harley says with a sigh, looking at Tony before looking back to Shiloh and Peter, more or less standing in between them with the intention of separating them. "So, what're you guys doin' today?"

"Go to work." Tony shakes his head at Harley.

"I haven't seen Peter in forever, Tony." Harley lies through his teeth, shit-eating grin plastered across his lips. "I should catch up." Harley maintains the same grin he always gets when he's up to no good.

Sure, sleeping on the couch with someone can totally not be romantic. People fall asleep on strangers when in planes or trains or buses, it happens. And friends fall asleep on couches, Harley and Shiloh have done it plenty of times and Harley's even fallen asleep on Peter and vise versa but it's been one night. And that's not a night Harley is gonna forget and he knows Shiloh isn't so forgiving but she's desperate to get Peter back. He's afraid she'll let her want and need for Peter to be okay cause a lapse in judgment. Harley will end up being the one picking up Shiloh's pieces again. And he can't do that, especially since he still remembers what Peter told him when Peter and Shiloh got back from Europe. He likes Peter but Harley doesn't trust him with Shiloh's feelings even if he might be overreacting.

"Goodbye, Harley." Shiloh grins up at him, blinking at him with innocence.

"Alright, alright." Harley groans, hugging around Shiloh's shoulders before flashing Peter half-smile and leaving the kitchen.

It falls back into a soft silence aside from the muffled crunch of cereal and the taps of Tony's fingers against the tablet. For Shiloh, it kind of feels normal. Obviously, the situation itself is a little weird, especially with the memory of the night before lingering in her mind but it feels  _normal_. Tony catching up on emails with a fruit shake and her and Peter eating cereal together.

Before everything, this was so normal and then afterwards, they'd go their separate ways to get ready for the day. They'd head off to a lab or to a job and Peter would end up patrolling, Shiloh bringing him food most of the time if she could manage. It feels like that's exactly what's going to happen here again. It'll be normal but that's all a lie because one night doesn't just fix everything. And Tony clearing his throat to break silence only solidifies that.

"So," Tony sucks in a breath and looks at Peter, Peter freezing immediately, mouth full of cereal. "How're you feeling? Heard you were shot last night."

Peter looks down to his lap and back to Tony, swallowing quickly. "Uh, yeah, yeah." Peter nods. "I'm...okay." Peter forces a soft smile to his face, ignoring the sheering pain in his side and burning ache of his leg.

He remembers when Tony would ask him all the time how he was after he'd gotten into a fight. Tony and Pepper were the two who taught Peter and Shiloh how to clean and stitch up his wounds properly. Tony was the one Peter kind of always went to, besides Shiloh, if he were hurt because who better to understand than the guy who had an arc reactor in his chest keeping him alive? But, now it just feels  _weird_ and awkward.

Tony's brows furrow and he also knows Peter can't heal so the kid has to be lying. "You're okay? You were  _shot_  and can't heal."

"Well...." Peter lets his voice fall soft. "I-I mean, yeah, i-it hurts." Peter says, not making eye contact with Tony.

Shiloh watches as Peter's left foot sits on the bar between the chair legs, moving his leg rapidly while he fiddles with his fingers. He's fidgeting more than ever and it's not because he's just needing to move but because he's nervous. Tony's just asking him how he is and it looks like Peter is about to jump right out of the nearest window in order to escape. She really didn't realize that even talking to Tony would be this hard. She knows he feels like he let Tony down but Shiloh really didn't think he'd be this bad around Tony and based on the sad look on Tony's face, he's thinking the same thing.

"You'll be alright, Peter." Tony reassures before nodding his head to Peter's bowl. "Done?" Peter nods and Tony takes the bowl from Peter. "Banner wants to see you." Tony says, looking over his shoulder as he rinses the remaining milk.

Shiloh's heart drops with Tony's words, waiting for him to finish. "O-oh...okay." Peter says, looking to Shiloh and it's his turn to give a reassuring smile.

"Is he okay?" Shiloh asks before Peter can even ask himself.

Tony turns around, the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile as he leans against the sink, gesturing his hands out in a half-shrug. "I think that's a conversation for Peter and Banner."

"Actually," Peter says, looking between them and yeah, he doesn't want her seeing his leg yet but this, finding out if Bruce knows what wrong and if Peter is gonna be okay, he wants Shiloh to know. He  _needs_  her to know. He needs her. "It's okay....d-does he know what's wrong?"

Tony nods and he wants to smile because it's the most he's heard Peter say in years and he can see that glimpse of the kid he recruited nearly ten years prior. He sees what Shiloh sees, he's there. Somewhere. And Tony hopes he sees more of the old Peter come out because he does miss the kid he mentored. But, he still holds a little skepticism if this will be permanent or not. He just keeps it to himself for right now.

"He does." Tony confirms. "He was able to put it together a few hours ago." Tony explains, skipping the details, choosing to allow Bruce to explain them out of respect for Bruce and Peter in case Peter doesn't want Shiloh knowing every detail.

"Well, is he gonna be okay? Like, can Banner fix it?" Shiloh asks, her words rushing out, searching Tony's face for any signs of dismay or pain, already dreading a bad response. "Is he gonna be okay?"

Tony cocks his head at Shiloh, brows pulling together and it's then that he decides he's not going to tell her. "Why don't you go talk to Banner?" Tony says looking to Peter and both Peter and Shiloh's faces fall, hearts going to their stomachs.

**_That can't be good._ **

"Dad!" Shiloh yells, eyes widening and jaw locking. "Why won't you answer? What's wrong?" There's touches of panic mixed with annoyance in her voice and there has to be something wrong and she cannot lose Peter.

"It's not your business." Tony says, the simplicity in his voice immediately brings a redness to Shiloh's face, her fist clenching under the countertop.

"I want her to know." Peter says quietly.

"She can meet you in the med bay then. I need to talk with her first." Tony answers, cooly. "And I do want to talk to you, too,  _alone_ , later."

Both Peter and Shiloh pause but this time for different reasons. Shiloh now just assumes he's gonna pull some sort of "dad" talk on her, although why he's deciding now when Peter could potentially be dying is truly beyond her but she stopped trying to figure Tony out years ago. Peter, though, he's just afraid to talk to Tony but he's not gonna question it.

"Um...yeah, okay." Peter says, voice wavering with uncertainty. If Shiloh wants to argue with Tony, that's on her, Peter  _can't_  argue with him. "I-I'll....go." Peter says, glancing to Shiloh before getting down from the barstool, holding his side and wincing.

"Are you sure?" Shiloh asks, watching Peter start to limp towards the hallway.

Peter nods quickly. "Y-yeah." His brows furrow softly. "I'm gonna change and....see Banner." Peter's voice is quiet before he turns back around and starts for his old bedroom.

Shiloh watches him until he's completely out of sight and it's been a weird few hours. It's just after eleven and they slept for maybe about five or six hours. She woke up with Peter leaning over her, protecting her from Harley and it brought her back to the time of the war against Thanos when the two of them had thrown themselves over each other in order to protect the other. It was years ago but it's still a fresh memory and maybe it's naive to have so much hope already, but maybe he's making this commitment and he'll stick with it. Maybe he will and it will be okay. Maybe.

"So, daddio, what aren't you telling me?" Shiloh quips, pushing her bowl towards him, his eyes slitting but he takes the bowl anyway.

"What're you doing? Don't you have a girlfriend?" Tony asks, staring at her with harsh eyes.

Shiloh sits back in her seat, arms crossing over her chest. "Broke up last night. That's why Peter got shot actually." Shiloh shakes her head softly, heart aching with the thought of last night, a part of her still blaming herself for it all. "Went out for a drink, decided I could walk home. Did not end well as you can clearly see."

Tony turns around and rinses the bowl and Pepper definitely handles the heartbreak conversations. Tony has always been the one that comes in after and does something to cheer Shiloh up like taking her out for food or taking her into the lab to show her new tech, a new upgrade on her own suit. Something and maybe it involves Tony saying how Shiloh deserves better anyway and whoever broke her heart, even the one time it was Peter, were wrong and not worth her time. Of course, the time it was about Peter, she knew he was full of shit, but it did make her smile but those times are not  _this_  time because she's not a teenager anymore and this was a three-year-long relationship and Pepper isn't home and Peter got shot.

"I know, I deserve better and she isn't worth my time." Shiloh huffs with a smile, Tony matching the expression when he turns back around.

"What happened? Do you want to talk about it?" Tony asks, leaning back against the sink, arms crossing, leaving the two of them in the same position, mirroring each other.

" _God_ ," Shiloh groans, throwing herself forward, hands on the granite countertop. "She would not fucking stop. It was always about my attention to Peter and she would always bring up his damn addiction and throw it in my face. She just.....would not listen. Last night, she had the nerve to bring up that time I kissed him when were kids. As if that really matters. I just..." Shiloh trails off, feeling her blood boiling as she replays the argument in her head. "I know I've been shitty to her the past year because I wasn't fully invested. I'm dying and I.....I just need to make sure Pete's okay so I know but she signed up for dealing with me bailing and ditching and everything else. She's the one that labels me a damn hero but then bitches about the hero territory. She deserves better but so do I. So, it's fine." Shiloh huffs, leaning back and crossing her arms once more.

Tony nods and he's proud that Shiloh recognizes she wasn't a good girlfriend in the end. Putting hero acts above a relationship puts strain on it even if the people involved love each other. It's put him and Pepper through a lot over the years and it isn't fair, even if people "sign up for it". Some people think they can handle it but once it's happening, once they get to  _see_  exactly what everything involves, they just can't do it. And that's okay and it makes Tony proud that she does realize that and it makes him proud that she also realizes she deserves more than someone who can't accept that part of her life.

"I'm proud of you." Tony says with a soft smile. "But," Tony says and suddenly he's gained the fatherly expression. "What do you plan to do now? You just broke up with your girlfriend. Peter is getting help here thanks to you. It seems he's opening up to you."

"What're you trying to ask?" Shiloh narrows her eyes, the suspicion written across her face.

Tony lets out a sigh, standing up straight and leaning against the counter in front of Shiloh. "I don't want to see my kid get in over her head for a boy who's lost right now."

"I'm just being his friend." Shiloh sends him a reassuring smile. "I know better than that." Shiloh sucks in a breath, palms against the edge of the granite as she pushes back to stretch her back. "I'm gonna try and work with extremis while I'm here."

Tony lets out a sigh and he remembers the day he realized he was in love with Pepper and he has to wonder if that's what he's witnessing, through the mess of everything, the same thing Happy and Rhodey witnessed, just on a slower and more dangerous slope. Tony has always liked Peter and he always kind of expected the two of them to be together, especially after Thanos and even after they decided not to have a relationship and Peter ended up with MJ. But, now, the thought of his daughter dating someone like Peter Parker worries him.

Tony moves his elbow on top of his arm, holding a finger to his lips before moving his hand back down to talk. "Just don't get your hopes up." Tony says.

"Gee, love the optimism." Shiloh remarks.

Tony moves forward, hands on the counter. "It's been one night, Shiloh. I'm your dad, I don't want to see this again. I like Peter but--"

"I know and I have a plan, I do." Shiloh diverts her eyes the counter before looking back to Tony with a soft shrug.

"Which is?"

"Wait." Shiloh says calmly. "I mean, I have a bigger plan. But, for right now, I'm just gonna be around for him and wait to see how he does. Maybe two weeks, a month. Then, I've got a plan to try and...." Shiloh sucks in a breath, trying to figure out how to phrase her words correctly. "Get him back, I guess. He doesn't have to be Spider-Man and I want him to know that but he has to be Peter Parker."

"What are you gonna do?" Tony pushes for more of an answer, happy to hear Shiloh isn't going to try and rush Peter. Tony knows better than anyone this can't be rushed and he's sure that's why Shiloh also knows she needs to help Peter but do it slowly and on Peter's time.

"He needs to know he's not letting people down anymore. So....I'm gonna take him somewhere. Ya know, in memory of May and MJ that's not a cemetery." Shilohs bites the inside of her cheek, knowing it's a risk.

"Ah," Tony nods, understanding what Shiloh's getting at. "Are you sure it's a good idea?"

"No," Shiloh shakes her head a smile coming to her face. "But, I think maybe if he can see he can help people, maybe it'll turn him around a little bit more. I know it'll push him forward or push him back but that's why I'll wait and see how he does and what Banner has to say since you won't tell me."

Tony chuckles softly. "You didn't tell him about the extremis, got an ear-full from Inspector Gadget this morning about him round-about telling the Spiderling."

Shiloh purses her lips, trying to contain a guilty smile. "Yeah.........well, yeah."

Tony leans forward and ruffles her hair, gaining a glare from her before she pushes him away. "Go, find him, just be careful."

"Mhm," Shiloh hums, getting down from her seat. "Always am."

"Right," Tony says with sarcasm. "Get a treatment and if you aren't chasing him around, get a damn PICC line." Shiloh shrugs with a laugh as she starts walking away, turning to give Tony finger guns before continuing her walk towards the med bay.

Tony's been bothering her to get a PICC line ever since they figured out they won't be able to just stabilize the extremis like last time. It's a bigger issue, one that's going to take a lot of time to figure out which means a lot of treatments to try and keep it at bay, so it makes sense to have a line in that they can hook up to an IV instead of having to stick her with needles every time. But, Shiloh's turned it down repeatedly, consistently saying that it would just get in the way of her helping Peter.

It wouldn't thanks to armor but it was an excuse and one no one bothered to really argue with her. Shiloh knows it wouldn't get in the way but it's like if she sits down and actually allows for it, it's real. Saying she's dying isn't even real, it's like someone, anyone saying "hey I'm dying" and they just mean that every day they're closer to death. They just mean when they're probably ninety they'll die not twenty-three or twenty-four or twenty-five. The death is far off and that's still how Shiloh sees it when in reality, it could be right around the corner, watching her and creeping in slower but faster with every passing day. A PICC line solidifies that.

Shiloh's steps are easy and light as she makes her way to the hallway of the room Peter was in last night with Bruce but her steps soon start to slow and weigh. Peter's sat against a wall, his legs pulled up against his chest while his hands cover his face.

 ** _Oh, Peter_**.

"Pete?" Shiloh calls, keeping her voice calm as she walks up to him, careful not to startle him. "Peter?" She asks again, sinking down to him and she can hear him breathing, hyperventilating.

He can't bring himself to see Bruce, not alone without her. Everything has just been heavy and he tried, he really tried doing this because he was with Bruce most of the night alone. But Tony wants to talk to him later and maybe it's because there's nothing wrong at all or maybe it's because whatever is wrong Bruce can't fix and then Tony is gonna make him leave. Maybe he's just disappointed people too much. And his head is spinning and his hands and legs are shaking and he can't be alone. He's been alone for so long and he finally finds this warmth, this light of what could be  _happiness_  and he just can't lose it. Not now, not after everything.

"Pete, hey, look at me." Shiloh coos, her moving in front of him and placing her hands over his, tears stinging his eyes as they fall down his cheeks.

And what happens if there is something severely wrong. What if it's killing him? What happens if Bruce can't fix it? He's gonna die and he's gonna hurt more people. Shiloh, Ned, Betty. The last people who have been caring about him and he's going to hurt them if he dies. And what happens if this is his fault. Shooting up could have caused a shift in his healing factor so what if this is all his own doing?

When shooting up, he never intended to kill himself. He did it because he got to feel something that wasn't pain. He got to feel numb and fabricated happiness. He could sleep for a few hours with the haunting nightmares and the laughs of the skeleton and the memories of screaming from his friends and May. But if he dies and it's all his fault? That's just another disappointment for not only himself but for the people around him. And somehow, that very thought that maybe this could be his fault over his drug use, makes him want to use again.

It makes him want to relapse and it makes him want to feel the familiar rush and dizziness of his head, the lazy smile that covers his face, and the cool of it flowing through his veins, numbing everything around him. How is he so pissed at himself over this but still has an urge to use? After a year of being clean? That's not even fair.

"Pete," Shiloh pulls his hands away from his face, cupping his cheeks and making him look at her. "You gotta breathe."

Peter looks at her and she told him not to but he just can't help it. He can hear everything around him and he's having sensory overload, he just can't help it so he focuses on her heartbeat. He listens to it and he hears every breath that leaves her lips, trying to get his breathing to align with hers, eyes on hers the whole time and it works because it always works.

She can keep him calm even in times of utter panic and self-destruction. Even when he is scared out of his mind, she can just....make it stop for a few minutes. It never fully goes away because she's not some walking miracle cure but she can make it stop for a few minutes and the urge to use is still there because that never quite leaves but it fades off. It fades off until it's just a thought in the back of his head and not an itch he's trying to scratch with gloved hands.

"What happened?" Shiloh whispers, thumbs wiping stray tears from his cheeks once his breathing has started to become steady and even.

Peter puts his hands on hers and takes them away from his face, shaking his head rapidly. "I-I couldn't ...I can't-" Peter croaks, straightening his back. "I-I need you to come with."

"Okay," She whispers, hands on his knees, carefully not putting pressure on the metal leg. "But, are you okay?"

Peter swallows hard and he feels himself being dragged underwater, watching Shiloh extend a hand from the top of the water, trying to pull him up. And he is yelling for help, swallowing water as he's pulled down with every thought and every feeling that floods over his body.

"Hey, you gotta talk to me, Pete." Shiloh says. "Just us, alright?" Her eyes scan over his face and she's silently pleading for some answer, her never able to get used to seeing Peter in a state of panic. "You can trust me."

"I just..." Peter's head hits the wall behind him. "I-is Tony gonna kick me out?"

Shiloh's brows furrow as she starts shaking her head without even thinking. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"

"I....I just...." Peter stumbles for words, pushing her hands off of him so he can stretch out his legs on either side of her. "I dunno." He hangs his head, not having a logical answer because he knows Tony would never turn him away. Ever. "I could have gotten you killed.....I-I let him down."

"You literally almost got a ton of people killed on the Staten Island Ferry when we were fifteen, you almost got a bus full of people killed by accident, you snuck onto a spaceship and hitched a ride to space, you set my lab on fire that one time, you've completely destroyed what? 3 different suits?, disabled a tracker, hijacked a multi-million dollar suit....twice, and you have consistently done the exact opposite of what he has said pretty much every time he's told you to do anything for the past nine years." Shiloh rambles off the first things that come to her head and Peter just watches her with furrowed brows and a heavy heart, hoping there's a point to her pointing out his screw-ups. "And my dad still loves you as if you were his own son."

Shiloh smiles softly at Peter before she moves to sit on her bottom, putting either leg on the opposite sides of Peter's before scooting closer to him. He moves his arms to extend out, welcoming her to sit between his legs and he doesn't even really think about it this time, he  _wants_  her closer to him. And when he doesn't pull away or attempt to move, Shiloh puts her hands on Peter's sides, lighting holding onto the fabric of his shirt while his hands go to her back, holding her close to him.

"There's not a damn thing in this world you could do that would get him to kick you out or anything like that, alright? I have let my dad down more times than I can count and I'm still welcomed here and same with Harley. We've all let people down, but that doesn't mean we're not worth the time anymore. And my dad, while sometimes being a little too strict and maybe a little harsh with some things, he's never gonna give up on you, Pete."

Peter nods softly, his eyes scanning over her face, lingering on the scars and he does remember how Tony reacted. Doc Ock might have been Peter's problem, his villain, but all Tony did was thank him for saving her. Tony knew Doc Ock took Shiloh in order to use her against him but that didn't matter. It doesn't matter because Tony knew that, he'd experienced it and he gets it. So, all he could do was thank Peter for getting there and saving her. It just felt different with last night, the circumstances were different but Shiloh's right because Peter was still willing to take a bullet for her and he did knowing he can't heal and it could have killed him.

"Do you know why he, uh, why he wants to talk to me?" Peter asks, his fingers interlocking with his own behind her back.

"If I had to guess, he probably just wants to make sure you're alright." Shiloh says with ease. "He worries about you, too, ya know?"

"He does?"

"Yeah," Shiloh scoffs, lips still in a smile. "Do you think he wouldn't have me on some form of lockdown he wasn't worried about you? At least with me saving your ass, he knows you're alive."

Peter's lips pull into a soft smile with Shiloh's words as he nods. "Guess so."

"That all you're worried about? Talking to him? Cause you can tell him you're not ready. I can tell him if you want." Shiloh offers, knowing her dad well enough that if he knew Peter was having a panic attack in the middle of a hallway over just the thought of talking to him, Tony would let Peter come to him when he's ready.

"Um...." Peter sighs and his arms flex, pulling Shiloh impossibly closer to him. "C-can you tell him?" Peter asks quietly. "I'll talk to him, I will but not right now." Peter rambles out, words almost going into one sentence. "Um....and....." Peter pauses, his arms wrapping softly around Shiloh's torso. "What if he....what if I'm dying?"

Shiloh's hands move to Peter's neck, thumbs on his jawline. "Guess we'll have to cross that bridge if we get to it and I guess I'll have to sit with Bruce to try and figure something out because I won't let you die."

Her face is so soft as she says those words and there's not an ounce of Peter that doubts she's not serious. She'd go to the ends of the earth if that meant fixing him.

Peter's eyes flick between her lips and her eyes. "I won't let you die, either." His voice is just above a whisper and he means it with everything in him.

Shiloh gives Peter a sad smile before pressing her forehead against his, their eyes closing and letting the moment swallow them. It's too fast, too soon, but for this exact moment, it doesn't feel too fast or too soon or too heavy. It just feels good, like everything is gonna be okay even if the world starts being set on fire. For this moment, it feels like it's okay and they have each other again. It's that same rush they experienced when they saw each other for the first time after being dusted and thrown into battle again. They were surrounded by war and had to fight to help save the universe but they stopped, just a moment, and it was a rush. A rush of happiness and relief and despite the clanking of metal, explosion, and yelling around them, it felt like it was okay. Just as it does now. But, a moment is just that, a moment.

"Hey," Peter whispers, eyes opening with Shiloh's. "What, uh, what were you doing last night?"

"Broke up with Cindy." Shiloh whispers back. "Went out for a drink after."

Peter's brows furrow and he really didn't know Cindy all that well, partially because of his own problems but also because he just wasn't fond of Cindy. He never had a reason, really, just didn't care for her but he knows Shiloh did care for her even if it doesn't sound like it from the nonchalant tone of her voice.

"Are you okay?" Peter asks and he makes no attempt to move from her.

"Yeah," Shiloh says with a gentle smile. "I wasn't feeling any of it anymore, long time coming. I should have ended it sooner."

"'M sorry." Peter says, knowing that it's gotta still hurt Shiloh a little.

"It's okay." The smile doesn't fall from her lips, her eyes glued to Peter's and it kills her that somewhere in her, she doesn't trust him completely because he's Peter.

That's it. He's just Peter and she wants to trust him again. Already. But she can't and she knows that, no matter how good he feels. No matter how warm he makes her chest or how his fingers make her skin tingle with small and innocent shocks of electricity. He still has to earn that. So, she moves her forehead from his and rests her head against his shoulder.

"Thanks, Pete." Shiloh says, her breath fanning against him.

A genuine and soft smile pulls at Peter's lips, happy to have her close to him and somehow, not finding this nearly as terrifying anymore. "Of course." Peter looks down to her as she turns her head to look up to him, her laughing softly before picking her head up.

"Ready to go in?" She asks, eyes bright with a cornered smile.

Peter sucks in a breath, hands moving to her hips. "Yeah."


	13. double helix

Peter sucks in a breath while Shiloh stands up, offering him a hand to help him stand up. He's holding her hand, using her and the wall to get him to his feet, wincing with the pain in his leg and his side. Sure, he's in physical pain but that doesn't really matter right now because he's got Shiloh's hand in his leading him to Bruce and he's gonna find out exactly what's wrong with him. It's terrifying and he knows Shiloh will be there with him through every step of the way and that makes him feel better. It's just hard for him to start looking on the bright side of things so quick and soon. Shiloh can hold the optimism for him, he'll just squeeze her hand and listen to Bruce.

Shiloh and Peter enter the room where Bruce is sat in a flannel, sleeves rolled up a little, glasses hanging on the bridge of his nose as he looks at the computer screen. He seems to be in deep thought and Peter and Shiloh are both feeling like they're going to explode with anxiety.

Shiloh clears her throat. "Uh, Dr. Banner?"

Bruce immediately looks to the two of them, paying no attention to their still connected hands while a smile comes to his face. "You're here." He says, pushing his seat back and grabbing a tablet. "Do you want to step out?" Bruce asks, walking up the two of them, his eyes on Shiloh.

She looks to Peter, expecting him to have changed his mind already but he doesn't. He squeezes her hand, a silent plea for her to just stay there. "S-she can stay." Peter says with a shallow breath and a nervous but faint smile. "What, uh, what'd you f-find?"

"Are you sure?" Bruce asks, hesitance in his voice as he looks between the two of them, making sure this is Peter's decision given his insistence on Shiloh not being in the room the night before.

Peter nods. "Y-yeah, yeah. I asked her." Peter says, his grip tightening around Shiloh's hand, almost cutting off her circulation before he realizes he's squeezing too hard, his grip loosening once more but Shiloh doesn't even budge. Her eyes stay on Bruce, waiting.

"Right," Bruce says, looking at the tablet before switching it around to show Peter and Shiloh. "So, you're blood and DNA was mutated with the bite of the radioactive spider, thus giving you these powers and your healing ability. This is what your DNA looked like when we drew your blood for your leg."

Bruce shows them the digital double helix, something they've both seen a hundred times before in the testing that's been done with Peter to understand his powers. It has the usual color-coded strands that show which parts are his, that make him just Peter Parker, and which parts are actually from the spider. Purple, indicating the spider, bleeds onto the red backbone and blue backbone of the opposite side. The bars in between the backbones being greens and yellows, blotches of purple decorating each one.

"And this is what it looks like now."

He swaps the screens, showing Peter's DNA and this time, instead of it being completely intact and color-coded like Bruce has it, it's turning grey where the purple usually is. Spots of the backbone are deteriorating but are coating with another layer, the color turning blue and red like on the previous diagram.

"When you..." Bruce pauses, looking at Shiloh before looking back to Peter. "When you started injecting the morphine into your leg and abusing it as you were, the chemical compounds started to deteriorate small parts of your DNA due to the radioactivity caused by the spider."

Peter nods softly because it's exactly what he expected. It is his fault that his healing factor doesn't work anymore. It's his fault he can't heal all because he didn't know how to handle all of the heartbreak and devastation with good coping mechanisms. This is his fault because he let himself turn away from the people he cared about, from the people who were willing to help him, in order to selfishly protect them and himself. Now, that's all proven to be in vain.

"Had you been taking it as prescribed and stopped, this probably wouldn't have happened but because you were abusing for a length of time and needing more than the average person to get a high out of the medication, it started to tear down the mutated parts of your DNA." Bruce explains, not making Peter feel any better, all while Shiloh is listening, her grip tightening on Peter's hand. "But," Bruce holds the tablet with one hand and continues to explain. "Right now, it's just your healing factor and I can fix it."

Peter and Shilohs' eyes both widen, both feeling like they've completely misheard him. Bruce just said he can fix Peter. Fix him, just like that? Fix him to before he was Spider-Man or fix him to how he was before his addiction?

"Y-you...you can fix it?" Peter asks, voice fragile and laced in disbelief. "So, it'll, uh, it'll just be like after the bite?" Peter stumbles words. "I'll have the healing factor back?"

Bruce nods. "I need more blood but yes. I can clone your DNA and extract what's left of your healing factor," Bruce says, turning the tablet back around and showing Peter and Shiloh bits of purple that indicate there's still parts of Peter's DNA that include the mutated healing. "And use that as a way to treat you and you'll be fine."

A rush of relief washes over both Peter and Shiloh. They've been holding their breath since Tony said Bruce had news and it is good news. This is something good and it's taking everything in them not to turn to each other and hug and celebrate because this is incredible. Of course, it's not as if they didn't think Bruce couldn't figure it out. He's Bruce Banner, after all. Those seven PHDs have to mean something but everything has been so bad that this is just amazing. Indescribably amazing and the two of them are squeezing each other's hands with the purest form of relief and happiness.

"That's it?" Peter asks, eyes bright as he glances to Shiloh, catching the smile dancing across her lips.

This is one of the best things Peter's heard in years. If Bruce can fix this and it's just that simple, for him, then maybe there is a bright side to this. Maybe he isn't just reaching a hand out. Maybe Peter is actually starting to tread water because this is something of a miracle in his books. He's not going to die. His mistakes are not costing him his life today and neither are his coping mechanisms or that crippled skeleton in his mind. Today, he gets part of his life back.

Bruce nods again. "It should take a few months and you have to stay clean but yes."

Peter gives Bruce a smile before looking to Shiloh. "Thank you." Peter says, eyes back on Bruce.

Bruce smiles softly. "You can take a seat and I'll draw some blood so I can get started."

Shiloh lets go of Peter's hand, his face immediately dropping. "I, uh, I have to go for a treatment so I'll meet up with you later." Shiloh forces a smile to stay on her face, looking to Peter and his brows only furrow, expecting her to stay but he can see there's something not right. She was just so happy for him and now....she's not?

With a shallow breath, Shiloh turns away from Peter and heads for the door, Peter watching her with an aching heart before looking back to Bruce. He wants to go after her because she should be happy for him. He's gonna be okay but she just doesn't look like it. And last night, she said she'd have stayed if she could and sure she needed a treatment then, too but...this just seems so random.

"I'll get everything ready, go." Bruce says to Peter, noticing the uncertainty on Peter's face.

Peter just nods quickly before limping out of the room as quick as his body will allow him. His steps are louder than he would like in the empty hallway, Shiloh definitely hearing him coming from behind her. She's been here through it all for him even when he doesn't want her to be. Even when he's flat out told her he hates her and she's the reason people die, Shiloh just does not give up on him but her walking away from the  _good_  news makes Peter worry. And for these few minutes, there isn't an ounce or a glimpse of anything dark and twisty in him. This is Peter.

"Shi?" Peter calls, trying to get her to stop so he can catch up to her, his leg burning with every step and his side feeling like he's being stabbed.

Shiloh tilts her head up, eyes closing as her steps start to slow down, turning back to him. "Hm?" She hums, pulling her lips between her teeth.

It's not that she's not completely ecstatic to hearing Peter is going to be okay. That's amazing and the best news she's heard in a long time but there is this horrible color of green taking over her insides. Peter destroyed his healing factor, by accident, and now, it can just be....fixed. Just like that. Bruce is gonna take some blood, spend a few hours cloning it and a few hours extracting the healing factor. Peter will be hooked up to a machine or IV of some sort for a type of transfusion and in a few months, he'll be fine. He'll be back to being able to heal just like he has since he was fourteen. Shiloh, though, she's not that lucky.

She didn't ask to be kidnapped and toured by Killian. She never asked for the extremis. She tried to get away and screamed and fought and cried. Shiloh did as much as any ten-year-old could and it wasn't enough. But, yeah, she got lucky and Tony already knew about extremis. He knew how to fix it, how to stabilize it and it worked. It worked the first time and now that it's no longer stabilized, that's it. Nothing's working.

The treatments are becoming less and less effective and Tony and Bruce still haven't found a solution. It's been months and there's still no sign of any solution. Peter walks in, gets an answer in twelve hours, and gets to work on being better. Shiloh has to wait months and  _she still might die_. That's just not fair and it's also not fair that she's jealous because it's not Peter's fault. It's not anyone's fault Bruce found an answer for Peter and not Shiloh. It sucks but it's no one's fault and she's just pissed off at the world.

"A-are you...are you okay?" Peter asks, getting closer but not wanting to wait until he actually reaches her in order to ask.

"Yeah, why?" Shiloh shrugs, the same fake smile pulling at her lips.

"What's wrong?" Peter questions, finally closing the distance between them, leaning all of his weight onto his left side to try and feel some sort of relief.

"Nothing." She answers curtly, a subtle hint of snark in the edge of her tone.

Peter's eyes slightly narrow and this isn't a case of him ignoring her wishes. Shiloh can be a very good liar. If she doesn't want people to know something, they're not going to know. Lying isn't exactly a quality people should be proud of but Shiloh is very good at it. Except right now. Her answers are short, she looks bored, the smile falters. She  _looks_  like she wants to roll her eyes and never speak again.

"S-something's wrong." Peter says. "You can tell me." He offers, eyes scanning over her face.

Shiloh sucks in a breath, looking to the floor, eyes meeting with her sock-covered feet and Peter's one-sock covered foot. This isn't his business. This isn't up for him to talk to her about. This is something she wants to talk to Harley about because she can't trust Peter with her own problems or her thoughts. And it's not even because she's afraid of what he'll do, it's just because she doesn't trust him. He finds out she's dying and then he wants to make a change. That's great, it is, but that doesn't mean he gets to know everything. He could have killed her. He could have killed a lot of people. This is his fault anyway. She doesn't trust him to tell him about herself. Not yet.

"No." Shiloh states, voice harsh and stern, unwavering.

Peter shakes his head, clearly taken aback by the simple word. "N-no?"

"No." She repeats, same tone but her brows flick upwards and her arms cross.

"I-I don't...I don't understand." Peter says and he's trying to figure out what changed. She was fine. She was fine until Bruce told them he's gonna be just fine. Why would  _that_  set her off? Doesn't she want him to be okay? She said herself she wouldn't let him die.  _What about him?_

Shiloh bites the inside of her cheek, feeling her blood start to boil, snark leaking into her voice. "I told you, Pete. I don't trust you."

It's Peter's turn to look to the floor but not in shame this time, he's pissed. "What's that supposed to mean, Shi?" Peter asks, snapping his head back to her.

What does her not trusting him have to do with her being happy for him? She's being selfish right now and that's not fair to Peter. Why can't he be happy about being able to live and heal with the one person he trusts enough to stand with him through this?

**_This isn't about her._ **

"What?" Shiloh's the one taken aback this time.

"Wh-wha-wha-what's that supposed to mean?" Peter's stutter worsens as he tries to keep himself from exploding. "You-you-you can just....ugh," Peter groans, annoyed with himself. "You act like you trust me! I don't want you lying to me!"

"I do! I do trust you!" Shiloh yells right back. "But not with my own fucking shit! This is mine!"

Peter shakes his head, taken aback by Shiloh's comment. How did they go from good news, him being okay, to this? This isn't about her. It's about him. This is supposed to be about Peter. Not about Shiloh. But now they're stood in the hallway screaming at each other and she doesn't trust him.  ** _How many times does she have to say that?_**  He _knows_. But what does that have to do with any of this? What does  _her_  shit have to do with  _his_?

**_What about me?!_ **

Peter yells at her, his arms going out. "I-I-I-I-I need you for this! And you're just gonna leave?"

She just told him she'd be there for him, with him, through this. Good news or bad news, this is all scary and Peter doesn't want to do any of it without her. He doesn't know if he can and he's not ready to find out. It's not fair that she's just leaving him without an explanation. He's scared out of his mind and he's telling her but it's like she's not listening. But he's not listening to her, either.

"I have to!" Shiloh's face starts to redden and her voice strains. "I'm sorry! But I have to! You're gonna be fine, Peter! You can do it alone, you don't need me!"

This is hard for her. She knows it's selfish and mean and rude and even a bit cruel to leave Peter hanging like this but it's so hard she wants to rip her hair out. She's pissed at the world and herself. She wants her life back. She wants to go back to not having to have treatments and not feeling like the energizer bunny or like the walking dead, with nothing in between. She's so sick of feeling warm and the constant fear of not making a treatment and the possibility of her literally exploding. She's so sick of having to be careful of everything. And if she stays, if she doesn't step away and just let herself be pissed off about how the world isn't fucking fair and she doesn't go talk it out with someone she can trust, she'll take it out on Peter. And that's something she can't do to him.

"I do  ** _need_**  you!" Peter's voice turns into a half-groan, half-whine, his selfishness making an ugly appearance. " _Please, stay_!"

"I care about you more--" Shiloh cuts herself off, coming to her own realization right there with Peter's flushed cheeks and eyes dark with anger but creases along his face showing worry. "I care about you, okay? And I'm happy you're gonna be okay. That is all I have  _ever_  wanted in the time I've known you. I'd die for you without thinking about it. But, I need to be  _alone_." Shiloh sucks in a breath, trying to calm herself down. "You can do it." He's being selfish but maybe if it were her, maybe she'd be the same way. She needed Harley when they first found out about the extremis. "Call me, okay? I'll be down the hall but if you need me, call and I'll stay on the phone with you."

Peter dodges her eyes and he just wants to understand why. Why is this the thing that's got her pissed off? And at him. He understands why she doesn't trust him and why she does but not with her own health. He gets it but he just wants to be there for her in the same way she's there for him but maybe he can't do that. Maybe he shouldn't because he can't even think about having conversations without having a panic attack and he's still on the verge of a breakdown. And he's being selfish by begging her to stay with him even though he knows she does need to go for a treatment. This isn't fair to her and he knows that.

"I-I'm sorry." Peter shakes his head, voice back down to something calm but nervous. "I-I-I didn't mean...I'm sorry."

Shiloh nods because she gets it. It's weird to trust him on a surface level but not on a real, emotional level. "I'll see you later, okay? You can tell me about the blood Banner drew and what his exact plans are. I'll just....meet you around the tower."

Peter swallows, giving up on the argument. "I, uh, I just want you to be okay, too." Peter admits, his voice much steadier than before.

Part of Shiloh hates Peter because he can just make every ounce of fury and annoyance melt away. When it comes to anyone, she stays mad for weeks, sometimes months. Peter's different though. He makes her soft. But, maybe that's because Peter usually has people's,  _Shiloh's_ , best interests at heart and that's what really matters. And maybe this time it's because it's not Peter she's really mad at. She's doing what Peter's been doing to her for two years. Taking her self-blame and pushing it onto Peter and she knows she can't do that. So, she steps forward.

Her arms wrap around Peter's neck and his arms hug around her torso. She buries her face in his neck and it really kills her not to trust him with any of this. He's the person she always talked to about an injury or anything really, but she just can't bring herself to talk to him about this. Not yet and she just wishes she could because he's so comforting and warm.  ** _Safe_**.

And Peter's head is buried in her shoulder and all he wants in the entire world is to protect her and she just won't let him. He wants to take the blow of what's bothering her and not because he thinks he deserves it this time but because he knows if Shiloh can scream and yell about it, she'll be okay. He wants to be the punching bag for her and the person she runs to like she did before even if he doesn't deserve that type of friendship with her right now. And above everything else, he wants to take back fighting her.

Shiloh pulls away, Peter's hands moving to her hips. "We're gonna be okay, ya know?"

The corners of Peter's mouth twitch into a soft smile. "I hope so."

"Just, go, okay? It's fine. You get help and we'll take it a day at a time."

Peter nods, scared but motivated to move forward with himself. To get his life back. To get her back. "Okay." Peter says. "I...I wanna move past...it all."

Shiloh's hands slide down his shoulders, squeezing his arms. "So, do it." Her words are airy, soft like her hands against his skin. "If you don't let your past go, you're gonna be stuck running in circles, Pete. Look," Shiloh sucks in a breath, remembering every horrible thing he's ever said to her and done to her and she shouldn't just be okay with it and she's not but it's okay. "It's okay." She pulls at his arms, eyes locked with his.

Peter's grip tightens on her waist, not wanting to let her go. "Promise?"

Shiloh moves her hands to Peter's sides, avoiding the wound on his right side. "Not gonna lie about this, Pete." Shiloh says softly. "You deserve to be happy."

Happy. It's weird hearing for Peter because he could barely remember what that feeling felt like. He knew it's always associated with yellows and oranges, sunshine and flowers, rainbows. But, he's been living in the dark, cold, room. Gloomy black clouds covering his own sky for so long he just didn't think happiness was for him. Didn't think he could feel it again if without the help of a drug. But Peter didn't think he deserved it.

He didn't deserve to be happy after losing MJ and May. After the way he treated Shiloh at May's funeral. Screaming at her that he hated her and she brings death with her. He might as well have passed down the Merchant of Death title to her in that moment but none of it was true, of course. None of that could ever be true because Peter has cared about her since the day he met her, but he was so damn desperate to blame someone else and to protect himself and to protect  _her_ , one of the only important people in his life still breathing, that he just let himself get lost in the chaos of the storm.

He let the skeleton scream and cackle over everyone's offers to help and he let the waves pull him under. He just didn't think he deserved to be happy so he pushed away every single aspect of his life that might bring him a form of happiness. Someone who only gets people killed and pushes people away, hurts them in the worst ways, they don't deserve to be happy. Or, that's what Peter thought.

But he's looking at Shiloh and she's looking at back him, eyes so soft and warm. The clouds are pushed away and waves are calm. No more skeleton screaming. It's just him and warmth and this small bit of sunshine, like just the beginnings of a sunrise peeking out behind a passing storm cloud. It's there and he didn't think he'd ever feel again but he does.

He feels it when he's here. Not even just with Shiloh even if he can feel it the most with her. It's there when Harley joked with him and it was there, hidden behind the anxiety when he was at breakfast around Tony. It is right there hearing he's gonna be just fine. And it's here right now with Shiloh in his arms. Peter is allowed to be happy. Because of Shiloh.

**_You make me happy._ **

"We'll get lunch later." Shiloh finishes. "I really do have to go."

Peter nods quickly, pushing away his thoughts. "R-right, right, okay." Peter says softly as Shiloh pulls away from him. She turns around and gives him a smile before going her own way, leaving Peter to head back to Bruce.

With every step he makes, this is the start to something. A start to real healing, both physically and mentally. This is a start to full recovery and he's scared. He is always going to be scared but he's ready. He can do this.

* * *

 

Over the next two months, Peter started getting his own treatments. They started off with lots of anxiety, mostly him questioning if this was really going to work and a fear of relapsing and screwing it all up again. But, Shiloh walked him down to Bruce every morning. She didn't stay, not once, but she did walk with him and then she got her own treatment. She had talked about her jealousy with Harley, Tony, and Pepper, making herself feel better and being able to brush it off within a few days, still not budging on telling Peter and he let it go even though it bothered him. Either way, it started to work and the two of them did their treatments from down the hall from each other and texted most of the time.

Their days went on of Peter just getting used to the tower again. Exploring but staying out of the way. Nat had actually offered to train him with more combat to get his mind off of things and he almost took her up on it, mostly because he was bored a lot and he was always fond of her but then he remembers the pain of his gunshot wound that was slowly healing. Clint, however, offered to teach him archery and that, that he could do. It wasn't easy or painless, but he could manage it and he always really liked Clint so that was fun (plus, Clint always had food and coffee). And it was nice being at the tower and not being with Shiloh or Tony or Pepper or in a lab (Peter wouldn't dare step foot in Tony's lab and Shiloh told him he's not allowed down in hers yet). It was just nice hanging out Clint and Nat, trying something new.

Shiloh went back to coaching and this time, she didn't miss a single practice or football game. She got to be fully invested again and it was like a huge weight off of her shoulders. She finally got to be the coach she's been wanting to be for these kids. And after practice, Harley would come by to pick her up, taking her to her old apartment while Cindy was still at work, and help her grab a few things. They usually only had an hour to grab what they could as Shiloh didn't feel comfortable bringing anyone else in to help but it worked. Slowly, things started being moved back into her room at the tower which was perfectly fine with her.

Ned and Betty came by the tower a couple of times for dinner, Ned pulling Shiloh aside and almost crying at the small bits of progress Peter was making and then apologizing for ever doubting her and Peter. Which, of course, Shiloh brushed off because it wasn't exactly her that got Peter to come back and start anyway. Harley got the ball moving. But, nonetheless, Shiloh and Ned had a moment to just be happy for Peter. His limp was starting to ease up on him and he was getting color back in his face, bruises and cuts were either fully faded, scarred, or completely healed. It was like looking at the old Peter again and they could not be happier.

And between all of this, Harley, Shiloh, and Peter got closer as friends again. Sometimes, Harley and Peter found themselves with a Nerf gun war around the tower like when they were teenagers, this time Harley actually getting some nice shots in since Peter can't move nearly as fast. Sometimes, it was just Shiloh and Peter, first starting off with them hanging out in the living room to Peter slowly gaining the courage to walk to her room and knock, them falling back into a comfortable habit of hanging out in her room when it's late at night. And sometimes, it was just three of them either playing games of Mario Kart and yelling at each other while laughing or just having movie and tv nights, which also sometimes involved whoever else happened to be in the tower.

All in all, the last two months have been good for everyone. Peter's a had a few panic attacks but he pushed through them, seeing a therapist definitely helps. He's made his treatments and stayed at the tower, out of trouble. Shiloh kept up with her treatments, growing closer to Peter and starting to trust him a little more. Her being happier than ever with the progress he's made which is what lead her to go to the roof of the tower, a pizza in hand.

"Pete?" Shiloh calls, seeing Peter with his legs dangling over the edge of the tower, looking over the city, book in hand, er,  _leaving_  his hand.

Shiloh's sudden appearance and voice startled him, his heart jumping to his throat and him dropping the book. But, as he is on the roof, he has his webshooters on and shoots a web, catching the book and pulling it back up before looking over his shoulder to see Shiloh walking towards him.

"You, uh, you brought pizza up here?" Peter asks, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Clint bought more pizza than necessary." Shiloh chuckles, taking a seat beside Peter but leaving enough room for the box to sit between them. "I'm pretty sure pizza and coffee are the only things that run through his veins which probably isn't good for his health." Shiloh jokes as she grabs a slice for herself.

"Sounds pretty good to me." Peter jokes back, grabbing his own slice.

"Whatcha reading?" Shiloh asks, looking to the book covered in web fluid that's now on the opposite side of Peter.

"N-nothing." Peter says, covering his mouth as he chews.

"Mhm." She hums and if she weren't sitting at the edge of a roof, she'd lunge for it herself and see what he's up to but she doesn't want to fall off the side of the tower today. "Why not tell me, Parker?"

"None of your business, Shi." Peter mocks, eyes widening with the shake of his head.

"Aww, c'mon, Peter." Shiloh sticks out her bottom lip, giving him puppy dog eyes but that only makes Peter laugh.

His eyes crinkle and his entire face scrunches. It's the laugh he always has when he's so genuinely happy and in a good mood. When things are good and he's just happy to be breathing and living in the moment. It's Shiloh's favorite because it always sounds so perfect and beautiful and he looks adorable with his face scrunched.

Whereas Peter, he adores her with the puppy dog eyes. He laughs but his heart is fluttering in his chest and his stomach does somersaults whenever he sees her. She's adorable and it makes him nervous, makes him start to stutter a little more and his cheeks tint a Spider-Man red.

"N-nope." Peter says, going back for another bite.

Shiloh shakes her head, biting her lip. "Fine," She takes a bite of her pizza. "If you're not gonna show me, you have to come out with me."

This was actually her plan all along. Get up to the roof, offer Peter some pizza, and then make him leave the tower. One of the things Peter still needs to be reminded of is that he's Peter Parker. He's the person who always does something good for the little guy. That's not just Spider-Man's gig. Peter Parker, the person, cares about people and he just needs a little reminder that he doesn't need Spider-Man to do that and maybe now is a good time to show him.

Peter keeps eating his pizza, shaking his head. "I-I don't...I don't know, Shi."

"C'mon, Pete." Shiloh crosses her legs, facing him. "You haven't left this tower in two months. What're you so scared of?"

Peter tosses his crust in the box, Shiloh's eyes slitting and a smirk dancing onto Peter's face before he lays back, feet still dangling off the edge of the roof. There's plenty to be afraid of leaving the tower. The tower is safe. All of his treatments are here. His support system is here. It's all here but out there, out in the public and in the open, there's danger. There's temptations.

It's not that the urge to use has completely gone away because it never really goes away unfortunately but it is easier to deal with when he's here. He doesn't even really think about it very much anymore, especially with the pain in his leg easing and his back healing. It's so much easier not to think about relapsing when everything is starting to feel better and he's sleeping better, still not completely nightmare-less or a full eight hours but better than he has in two years. But, if he leaves the tower, maybe he'll run into someone, one of his dealers he went through before he just started stealing from pharmacies. Maybe it'll be too loud for him. It's safe here with Shiloh.

"'m not scared." Peter mutters, arm covering his eyes, shielding them from the sun.

"Mhm." Shiloh hums, picking up the crust Peter left.

"You can have it." Peter says, not even needing to look to know she's taken it like old times.

"Wasn't gonna ask." Shiloh grins to herself before eating the crust.

Peter peeks at her, just barely moving his arm and this time, her attention is looking over the city. Shiloh has never been one for heights. Not even with the suit that'll catch her. It'll coat her body and the thrusters will turn on before she even has time to think about hitting the ground and there's a backup parachute. But, the fear of falling is still there but it eases a little around Peter because Peter doesn't miss. Not in the times he's caught her.

When he's had to, he could catch her without even a thought. So, she can sit with one leg dangling from the edge, her leaning on her hand away from the edge and just admire the city. And Peter thinks she looks beautiful with the sun hitting her face, casting a shadow onto the left side of her face. She's so beautiful and Peter doesn't even realize he's started smiling to himself as he looks at her.

"Whe-where, uh, where'd you wanna go?" Peter asks, deciding that if Shiloh can handle her fear of heights because he'll catch her no matter what, he can handle his fear of leaving tower because he knows she'll catch him.

Shiloh smiles, turning her head to him, the sun hitting her necklace, reflecting the light towards Peter. "Can't tell ya,  _Petey_."

Peter puts his arm back over his eyes with a groan. " _Stark_." He whines and it makes Shiloh giggle, something Peter hasn't heard in so long and butterflies just rip through his stomach. "What?" Peter moves his arm once more, just enough to catch a glimpse of her scrunched nose.

"You haven't called me that in a long time." Shiloh says. "Kinda miss it, I guess." She shrugs and Peter swears there's a blush coming to her cheeks.

Peter bites his lip. "You haven't called me Petey in awhile."

"I know you hate it."

"Yeah..." Peter sighs, but a smile still pulls at his lips. "Not, uh, not when... _you_  say it though."

Shiloh tilts her head to the right, her brows softly furrowing together. "Yeah?"

"I-I, uh, yeah." He shrugs, keeping his arm over his face to shield the blush that's coming over his cheeks. "I like Peter and Pete but...yeah. I, uh, I don't hate it when you say it."

It goes silent between the two of them, just the sounds of the city below them filling the air and Peter wonders if he said too much. It hasn't been that long since her Cindy broke up and maybe he's not flirting right.  ** _This is flirting, right?_**  Peter's always so bad at it. It's a miracle MJ understood him the way she did. But, he's trying but maybe he's trying too soon or reading too much into Shiloh just worrying about him and making sure he's okay. Maybe it's not like that. Maybe over these past two months, it's just been solely platonic. No bubbling feelings from her side. Just Peter's. What if she's just--

"I don't like when people call me Stark." Shiloh breaks the silence, biting the inside of her cheek, her stare on Peter until she sees him move his arm, her quickly turning her head to look over the city again. "But I don't hate it when  _you_  call me it." Shiloh's voice is soft and quiet, her still chewing on the inside of her cheek.

Peter smiles to himself, relief washing right over him.  ** _Maybe this is....okay._**

"O-okay." Peter sits up, resting his weight back on his hands. "I-I'll go."

Shiloh turns to him with a proud smile. "Good, I've already got the car ready."

Peter's face drops with the shake of his head.  ** _Of course she does_**. "How'd you know I'd say yes?"

"I didn't." Shiloh says smoothly, closing the pizza box before getting to her feet and brushing off her jeans. "I was just hoping you would."

Peter turns tilts his head to the left. "You've, uh, you've become the real optimist, huh?" He jokes, sarcasm in his voice.

Shiloh scoffs. "I'm only an optimist when it comes to you." She bites her lip, looking down to Peter who's gained a feverish blush with her words but he pushes away the rush of nervousness and fluttering of his heart.

Peter looks up to her with her blocking the sun. "You're, uh, your-you're not gonna tell me where though?"

"Nope." Shiloh sticks out a hand, offering to help Peter up and he takes her hand, mostly because he just likes the way her hand feels in his and not because he needs help getting up this time. "But..." Shiloh starts, watching Peter shoot a web at the book and pick it up that way instead of being normal and just bending down to grab it. "You have to try. You have to try for fifteen minutes and if you want to leave, we will. But you have to promise me, you'll give it a solid shot for fifteen minutes."

Peter shakes his head, anxiety starting to creep to the forefront of his mind. "Uh....w-why? What..."

Shiloh just raises her brows. "Promise?"

Peter sighs, tilting his head up to the sky before looking back to her. "Yeah, yeah, okay. I promise." He says, almost mockingly.

"C'mon, then." Shiloh pulls his hand, leading him to the door of the roof.

The two of them head into the tower, stopping by the kitchen to drop off the rest of the pizza to which Clint takes for himself. They head out to the main entrance of the tower where Happy has a car ready and his face lights up with the sight of Shiloh and Peter, Peter trailing slightly behind, still holding a little bit of a limp.

Happy greets them, nodding at Peter with pride before the three of them get in the car and Happy starts the drive. The entire way Peter asks where they're going only for Shiloh to ask what he was reading. If he won't tell her, she won't tell him. Although, she does realize they're in a car so it's not like he's gonna open the door and jump out. So, she could tell him but she also figures a panic attack on the way there might not be the best start. If he gets there, sees where they are, maybe he won't panic. Maybe he'll feel like he has to do it and that will-power conquers anxiety. Especially with her there. She has hope.

They pull up to a tan building, stairs leading up to a long stoop with a few people sitting on a bench and Peter's heart sinks right to his stomach, eyes closing as he shakes his head. Now he understands why Shiloh made him promise before they left. He can't do this.

"Pete?" Shiloh asks, leaning forward to try and catch a glimpse of his face.

"Yo-yo-you brought me to FEAST?" Peter looks at her, tears in his eyes.

She nods. "You have to do something, Peter." She says and Peter can feel himself ready to start crying, remembering all the times he helped May and MJ here.

This was May's place. She helped here. She cooked here, took care of people and then MJ started helping. Peter helped when he wasn't being Spider-Man. He hasn't been back since May died. This, this is too much.

"Look," Shiloh unbuckles her seatbelt and moves closer to Peter. "I've seen you beat yourself up over everything for too long. So, you're gonna get out of this car and we're gonna help some people today. For May and MJ. For you because you need to know that you help people every day by just being Peter Parker. Not Spider-Man. So, get out."

"I-I-I..I can't."

"Yeah, you can. And I'm telling you, Happy is gonna be right here the whole time. Fifteen minutes and if you wanna leave, we can. I talked to Randy. He said you can leave whenever you want. No harm, no judgment. _I'm_  asking you for fifteen minutes." Shiloh's eyes are soft and pleading, begging him to just give this one try.

Peter hangs his head but he understands. He understands why Shiloh is making him try this, making him do something good. She's making him try and get back to how things were but still accepting that things have changed because that's the thing.

He can be Peter Parker, the good guy, the one who helps and has corny jokes and one-liners. He can be Spider-Man, the hero people are supposed to rely on. He can do both just like before, it just has to be different because Flash, MJ, and May are dead and Peter is a recovering addict. It'll never be the same, but it can be similar. With the acceptance of what happened and moving forward by honoring those who have gone too soon. That's how people move on. How Peter needs to move on. Honor the people he loved.

He sucks in a ragged breath, lightly nodding his head. "O-okay. F-fifteen minutes."

Relief washes over Shiloh as she nods, nodding towards Peter's door. He opens it, hand shaking with every movement of his arm. He gets out of the car, holding the door, looking around. He hasn't even been over on this street since May died but nothing's really changed. She died and everyone moved on. People move on. People die and then their loved ones move on, strangers keep living because they don't even know, or maybe they heard so they offer a quick apology and carry on because it doesn't affect them. People die and the world keeps moving. Everyone keeps moving.

Shiloh exits the car, heading to Happy's window as Peter shuts the door. "I'll be at the meter down the street."

"I'll text if you need to come later." Shiloh says. "And, thanks, Happy."

"Nah," Happy huffs with a sincere and soft smile. "It's no problem, kid."

Shiloh moves away from the car, lightly pushing against Peter's shoulder to get his attention. He looks to her, barely even breathing but he's out of the car. He's on the sidewalk. This is farther than Shiloh thought he'd actually get and he's not having a panic attack so this is good. He could freak out and start running away now and she'd still be proud of him because he's here, he's trying.

"Ready, Spider?" She asks, eyes reassuring and bright.

That gets Peter to crack a smile. "Um...." Peter looks to his hands, tugging at the plaid sleeves of his flannel. "I-I think so." He gives her an uncertain nod.

"Alright," Shiloh remains confident, pulling at his hand. "Let's go." She pulls Peter along with her, keeping her own steps slower so Peter doesn't hurt his leg and so she's not rushing him too much but he keeps up well.

His hand is barely holding hers but it's there and he's keeping up. One foot in front of the other and he is making a solid effort even though he wants to scream and run like hell. Especially when Shiloh opens the door and allows Peter inside first. Everything still looks the exact same and Peter is fighting the lump in his throat because it's like just stepping inside of FEAST is enough to make him feel like he can feel May's ghost around. He expects her to spot him and wave him over with a bright smile, glasses on the bridge of her nose. But, he knows she won't and before he even knows it, there are tears filling his eyes.

"You okay, Peter?" Shiloh asks, stepping in front of him, hands on his arms.

He looks at her and he wants to tell her he is. He's fine but he's leaving. This is too much. Too emotional, too painful, too heavy. But he doesn't do that. Instead, he moves his stare around to the open doors in front of him that's used as a sleeping area, bunk beds spread out amongst collapsible tables. May would want him here. MJ would want him here. They'd want him to try and help. It hurts like hell to be here again, too many memories, but that's the thing. Memories aren't always bad. And the memories here, are all good. Every single one of them. So, maybe it's time Peter tries to embrace them and remember May and MJ for how they were before and not the last time he saw them.

"No." Peter answers with a broken tone, sniffling before rubbing his eyes. "B-but, uh," He nods, eyes on Shiloh's. "Fifteen minutes."

"Are you sure?" Shiloh asks with hesitance. "I mean, I know you promised but...you sure?" It's hard for her to try and conceal the proud smile that's starting to split her face while warmth spreads through her chest.

Peter nods. "Yeah, yeah, uh, you're right." Peter says. "I, um, I gotta do this." His brows furrow slightly. "Where-where are we helping?"

"Kitchen." Shiloh beams with so much pride it actually brings a smile to Peter's face. She sticks out her hand for him and he takes it without even thinking.

 


	14. back to the future

Shiloh and Peter head to the kitchen, Peter right behind Shiloh, his hand fully clasped around hers to the point where he's not actually sure if he's holding her hand or if he's actually just being extra sticky from the amount of anxiety flowing through his veins.

**_Side effect of being Spider-Man: Extra sticky when nervous._ **

But, Shiloh doesn't miss a beat. Peter's hand actually sticking to hers has happened more times than either of them can count and she knows he'll be able to breathe a few times and calm himself down. This is one of the things they worked on together with his powers. Well, it was more of Peter explaining it to her and then her finding out on her own when Peter was terrified after the war against Thanos. Extra sticky. But he took a few deep breaths and calmed himself down, focused on her and the surrounding sounds, and he was fine. So, while things have changed and this is definitely one of the most anxiety-inducing experiences he's putting himself in, she knows he'll be fine.

"Hey, you guys made it." Randy chimes at the sight of Shiloh and Peter. "What's up, Peter? Long-time, no see."

Peter nods slowly. "Uh, y-yeah, yeah been...okay. You?" He gives Randy a smile and Randy quickly returns it.

"Good, running this place is a lot harder than I thought it'd be. May made it look easy."

"Yeah..." Peter says and Shiloh squeezes his hand. "She, uh, she-she was always really good run-running this place."

Randy nods, a sad smile now replacing the joyful one. "Yeah, I'm sorry about what happened."

"Thanks." Peter more or less says it under his breath, growing to hate that apology but also, what else are people supposed to say? And he's known Randy since college and he knows he means well so Peter just nods and looks to Shiloh.

"Right, anyway," Shiloh smiles at Randy. "What're we doing?"

"Right!" Randy says, waving them over to the counter. "Okay, one of you can start on the potatoes. Just cut them up, add butter, and some seasoning and then they go in the oven for ten minutes. I boiled them just before you got here." Randy explains. "And one of you can start plating some of the trays." He motions towards a large window, a few places for food underneath it and a stack of trays off to the side. "We start serving in about fifteen, twenty minutes." Randy gives them a reassuring smile before leaving them to decide who would do what.

"What d'ya wanna do, Pete?" Shiloh asks.

"Uh," He looks to their hands and to the window. He always worked the window when he came by so this is an easy choice. "I'll, uh, I'll plate."

"Okay." Shiloh gives his hand a squeeze but Peter doesn't let go. "You're sticky." She whispers and Peter's cheeks flare red.

"Mhm." He hums.

"You're okay." She reassures, her words calm and gentle.

"I know." He says, words unconvincing. "I know." He says again, this time trying to convince himself, letting himself focus on her and the clanking of spoon near the stove where another volunteer is stirring something and soon enough, he's able to let her hand go.

"When you want to leave, you let me know, okay? We leave together."

Peter nods. "Y-yeah, yeah okay."

With that, the two of them head to the sinks to wash their hands and then go to their separate sections of the kitchen, getting to work. Shiloh starts preparing the potatoes, her eyes occasionally drifting up to see Peter, careful not to accidentally cut herself. Every time she looks up though, she's waiting for him to be gone.

She's just waiting for him to just have had enough and end up needing to walk out without a word. It's something she fears really because she'd hope after these past two months of him getting better and the two of them earning each other's trust, he would tell her if he were leaving. But, every time Shiloh's eyes go to him, he's already been looking and his eyes immediately drop back to the trays at hand with a blush creeping onto his cheeks. And every single time, it brings the softest smile to Shiloh's face.

The time starts to go by and fifteen minutes pass, Peter pushing through. He's made it and there's a sense of pride swelling in his own chest. He did it. He didn't think he could but he did it. It's been fifteen minutes and he's still standing and getting trays together. Somehow, Peter has managed to push the sadness and anxiety away in order to do this one thing. And when he looks over his shoulder, catching Shiloh's eye before quickly turning around, he's certain she's the reason he could do it. They aren't actually speaking while getting everything together but her just being around and making him push himself is enough. So, even though it's been fifteen minutes and that's what they agreed on, Peter decides to push himself further.

If he can do fifteen minutes, he can do five more. And so he does, and then he adds another five minutes onto that and then another and another until people start to come up to the window for their trays and his hands start to shake. He managed half an hour, but now he's forced to communicate with others, just as he did with May and MJ before and it's too much. He can do food prep and tray prep but actually serving people, associating with some of the people he recognizes from when May was alive, that's a little too much for today.

Peter quickly leaves the serving to one of the older women who stepped in to help before he ducks into a hallway, away from people. Shiloh is still helping and he doesn't really want to pull her away but  _he_  can't be there anymore. But he won't just leave either and he's afraid if he texts Happy, Happy will text Shiloh and then he might as well just tell her himself so he does nothing. He closes his eyes and leans against a wall, his breathing shallow and hands shaking at his sides. He counts his breaths and tries to focus on his own heartbeat and distant echoes rather than the chatter from the main area of the building but it's all just swimming in his head. It's all swarming like a thousand bees until it's not.

"Hey, Pete."

Shiloh looked up and noticed he was gone, immediately assuming he finally ran. Her heart sunk right to her stomach, thinking she'd be calling Happy to track him down but hoping she was wrong. And luckily she was. She went out to the hallway and saw him against the wall and she's seen that sight enough times to know he's trying to calm himself down

His eyes open and Shiloh is standing in front of him, her hands already extending for his, a gentle and reassuring smile on her face while her eyes are bright and innocent. Peter breathes, eyes half-lidded for a few seconds as he lets the pain in his chest just be, not fighting it for once. He lets it just be while the anxiety flows through him and starts to fade into something tolerable.

"You ready to go, Pete?" She asks gently, her thumbs rubbing over the skin of his hands.

"Uh....y-you can help. It-it's fine." Peter swallows, hands squeezing hers while he dodges her eyes. "I...yeah, I can't do it anymore." He admits.

"Okay." Shiloh keeps her voice kind and sweet. "I'll tell Randy my dad wants me." She shrugs a shoulder, her thumb still running over the top of Peter's hand.

His brows furrow, eyes meeting hers in a sense of relief. "Yeah?"

It's always a little embarrassing to have to say he needs to leave because he can't handle something emotionally. Randy might have already said it was fine they leave when they want but that doesn't ease that sense of embarrassment. But, Shiloh offering to just say it's Tony that wants them back, that melts the embarrassment and shame away almost immediately because she's been there. She gets it.

She shrugs again and offers him a quiet chuckle. "Yeah, you've been here longer than I asked and you've been doing great. It's fine."

Peter pulls at her hands, bringing her close to him before he detaches his hands from hers, arms going around her shoulders. With Peter leaned against the wall, all Shiloh can do is hold his sides but it's enough.

"Thanks." Peter mutters against her, face nuzzled against the crook of her neck.

"Don't mention it." Shiloh says, and as if an impulse suddenly takes over, she turns her head and presses a quick kiss to Peter's cheek, his cheeks shooting bright red, head immediately snapping up to look at her. Shiloh bites her lip, surprised at her own actions but she chooses to play it off, figuring Peter will just be a stuttering mess. "Ready?"

Peter nods quickly before Shiloh pulls away and tugs at his hand, pulling him along to find Randy and relay some half-assed lie about them being needed at the tower for something. Shiloh texted Happy while walking over to Randy so Happy would be right outside waiting for them. Randy was fully understanding, welcoming them to come back whenever either of them wanted to, saying the shelter could always use some extra hands. And to Shiloh's surprise, Peter found a little bit of his voice, promising he'd try and come back soon.

Something in Peter had just finally said that if he can do half an hour today, he could come back and do half an hour next time and maybe an hour after that. This was doable so why not make a promise to return? Maybe he can try without Shiloh. He's willing to at least try, which is more than he's done in a year. So, Randy immediately warms up and encourages Peter to come back before giving Peter his number and bidding Shiloh and Peter goodbye.

The ride back to the tower was quiet, but instead of the nervous quiet that seemed to follow Peter around like a dark cloud, it was a peaceful quiet. His hand held Shiloh's, his thumb tracing over the top of her hand and it's like being at FEAST, despite the panic attack and the world feeling a little heavy in there, it's flipped this switch back on. The switch that makes Peter, Peter Parker. The kind and loving and caring Peter Shiloh grew to adore with every piece of her.

There's a new type of light in his eyes again, it's subtle, but it is there and there was just something about him trying and nothing bad happened. Panic attack? That's not bad, that's just something that happens sometimes. Nothing  _bad_  happened. No random villain showed up and started going on a killing spree. He just helped plate some trays and catch a few stolen glances from Shiloh. Everything is okay and it's only going to continue to get better and it's like Peter can finally, fully grasp that.

Peter feels this sort of positivity in him and sure, things are still lingering because they're going to. He still needs blood treatments in order to fix his healing ability and he's still dealing with the urge to use, and always will be. His mental illnesses aren't just going to disappear over one really good day, but he feels better about the future. He feels positive about it. Not really ready to look into being Spider-Man positive, but ready to be Peter Parker positive.

So, when they get back to the tower, they grab some leftover pizza and fill in Tony, Rhodey, Harley, and Happy about the events at FEAST, all the guys wearing proud smiles but trying to play it cool as to not freak Peter out. And after that, Shiloh was set to go for her own treatment, Rhodey and Harley inviting him to come with them to one of the garages to test something Harley had worked on. But, before Peter decides to head out with Rhodey and Harley, he tells them he'll meet them there and instead, goes after Shiloh, stopping her in the hallway.

"H-hey," Peter says, licking his lips as Shiloh looks up at him with a quirked brow.

"Do you not wanna go check out whatever thing is likely to explode in the hands of Harley and Rhodey?" Shiloh jokes, earning her a small smile from Peter.

"No, I mean... yeah I do but, uh," Peter looks to his feet, trying to form his words and he's got this rush of butterflies and his heart's stuttering through his chest. It's like he's in high school all over again and he forgot how horrible and incredible this weird anxiety bubbly feeling can be. "I...just..."

"You okay?" Shiloh asks, tilting her head slightly in confusion. "It's just Harley and Rhodey. You know Harley is good with you and you said you talked to Rhodey and everything seemed fine. They aren't gonna like...blow  _you_  up or anything."

"No, no, no," Peter rushes out as his head snaps back up. "It's, uh, it's not that. I was...I was wondering if maybe...you wanted to, um, have...a movie night. In your room." Peter pauses with a shallow breath. "With me?" The corners of his lips tug into a faint and nervous smile.

They haven't been having actual movie nights in her room, alone. They usually have a movie on but they aren't normally watching like they used to. Movie nights, as defined by them, involved shared blankets, popcorn, gummy worms, and usually an argument over which movie to watch and them having to rock, paper, scissors it out. But, it's not like it's ever been asked. Movie nights are just planned, not asked about especially with this nervous of a voice and then it hits Shiloh all in one go.

**_Does he mean a date?_ **

"Um...." Shiloh pauses, her words completely gone. The obvious answer is yes, no matter what it's always yes but now she doesn't know if she should just agree or if she should ask if he means a date. Maybe she could just wing it.  ** _Winging it works. Nothing bad could come from just winging it._**  "Yeah," Shiloh says, biting her lip. "We have lots of popcorn and I'm sure there are gummy worms somewhere."

"I have some." Peter says maybe a little too quickly, enough for his face to start turning red but all Shiloh does is beam at him. "I-I-I mean...Happy. I asked Happy and he...picked some up for me."

"Okay." Shiloh nods, her left hand going to rub over her right arm. "Why don't you come by my room at like, ten?"

Relief floods Peter's voice as he lets out a breath.  ** _This is good. She said yes._** "Yeah, yeah, that's cool."

"Cool." Shiloh states, her own heart fluttering in her chest. "And...if you want, ya know, so you don't have to walk back to your room, you can just stay in mine for the night."

She offers softly. If this is a date, this is cool. Peter can stay the night and that leaves more time for just them but if it's not a date, this still isn't out of the originally. They've fallen asleep in each other's rooms plenty of times during movie nights. Who wants to walk to their room and sleep when there's a perfectly comfy bed right there?

Peter's eyes widen with the offer and he's, again, a little tongue-tied.  ** _Does she think this is a date?_**  Is that what he's actually asking? He likes her. He's sure of that and he's totally sure he wants this to also  _be_  a date even though that's a little lame. She should have a date that's out at a restaurant or on top of a roof with pretty lights or something, but this is safe and very them. So, maybe this is a date and she knows that. And she's asking him to stay in her room.

"You don't have--"

"Okay." Peter cuts Shiloh off, surprising even himself. "That'd be great."

"Awesome." Shiloh lets out her own breath of relief and they're both just standing there.

There's something between them, like it's floating in the air there. They're a little too close to be just having a casual conversation. If Shiloh were to reach out, even a little bit, she'd immediately come into contact with his shirt and Peter can smell her shampoo, and not just from his heightened senses. They're just a little too close for having this innocent conversation in the middle of the hallway and it freaks Shiloh out, just a little bit. So, before either of them get caught up in whatever building tension there is between their bodies, begging and pleading for them to move closer, Shiloh starts talking.

"We're watching Back To The Future though."

Peter starts laughing, feeling his nerves fade away and the tension in his shoulders fade right with it. "Fine." He says. "But, uh, I get first dibs on gummy worms."

Shiloh's eyes widen, jaw falling open. "You have different kinds?!" Shiloh yells, making Peter laugh harder.

"Yeah! Happy's the best." Peter's nose scrunches as his hands tug at the ends of his shirt, laughter still leaving his lungs.

**_Note to self: Thank Happy._ **

"Fine, okay. You get first pick of gummy worms and we watch Back To The Future."

"Deal." Peter agrees through a half-laugh, taking a small step back to extend his hand so he actually had room to shake hers which he definitely felt a bit dumb for but Shiloh took his hand anyway and shook it as if she were making a deal with the president.  ** _Gummy worms, important business._**

"You should go before they think you ditched them." Shiloh says, her hand still connected to Peter's. Peter looks to their hands and it's not him that's not letting go this time, it's her. "Oh...sorry." Shiloh says, mentally kicking herself as heat rushes to her cheeks.

"It's okay." Peter says softly. "Ill, uh, I'll see you at ten."

Shiloh gives him a nod, Peter smiling back before he turns on his heels, Shiloh following his lead. The two go their separate ways, both looking to the ceiling with butterflies in their stomachs and hearts singing. Their cheeks ache from smiling and their bones rush with anticipation, not sure exactly what tonight  _is_  but happy it's something. It's definitely something.

* * *

 

By the time ten o'clock comes, Shiloh's been in her room for a while, the movie already set up and ready to play for whenever Peter comes knocking on her door. Peter is in his room, staring at the two bags of gummy worms and three other bags of gummy candy sitting on his bed. His hands are on his hips, hair still a bit wet from his shower, blue plaid pajama pants cover his legs, and a grey NASA t-shirt hangs on his torso.

He can do this. It's just a movie with Shiloh. A movie they've seen a thousand times because it's Shiloh's favorite movie -  ** _she even named her AI Marty._**  That means lots of time for talking and usually that's perfectly fine. The two of them always end up talking and joking through movies they've seen but this time, he kind of asked her on a date. A date in her own room. At least he wants it to be a date. So, surely, this is going to be a little different and what if it's not what Peter wants it to be?

**_What if Shiloh doesn't want it be a date? Ugh, no shut up._ **

"This is fine. It's just.....Shiloh. In her room. With me. Like before." Peter mumbles to himself before grabbing the candy and heading for his door. "It's  _Shiloh_." He says, trying to give himself some form of extra confidence.

This is the person he's known for nearly ten years, the one person he can tell anything and everything to and won't judge him. He almost killed her and she still welcomed him back, albeit, with very little trust but welcomed him back nonetheless. He doesn't have anything to worry about because it's  _Shiloh_.

Peter walks to Shiloh's room, his heart racing with every step he takes, feeling a mix of nervousness and a type of giddiness pumping through his veins. His fist connects with her door in a few continuous taps before the door opens, Shiloh appearing behind it. And she's wearing a pair of black athletic shorts and a worn-out white science pun shirt that might have actually been Peter's at some point.

"Hey, Pete." She chimes, seeming cool, calm, and collected just as she almost always is despite her own veins pumping with the same nervousness as Peter's.

"H-hey." Peter greets, walking into her room before she shuts the door behind him.

Peter looks around her room even though he's already been here plenty of times over the past few months and Shiloh takes a minute to stare at her door. Her thoughts are running the same path as Peter's.

This is Peter, she doesn't need to be nervous but she is because despite everything, he makes her heart beat a little faster and her smile a little wider and brighter. He makes her this special kind of happy even when she's having bad days, the kind of happy that's talked about in cliche romance novels. Peter makes her want to do all things that seem completely impossible. He gives her this weird sense of purpose no one else ever has and he keeps her grounded. This is Peter Parker and she really likes him and she cannot help the way her nerves flow or the way her mind is still trying to figure out if this is more than a platonic movie night.

"You, uh, you've got the movie set up already." Peter pulls Shiloh from her thoughts, her quickly turning around, ponytail swinging with the swift movement.

"Oh....uh, yeah." Shiloh blushes, glancing to her feet and back to Peter. "I just wanted to make sure I had it ready...."  ** _Duh, that's why he mentioned it._**  "You brought the gummy worms." Shiloh points to the bags in Peter's hand.  ** _Oh my gosh, obviously. He said he would. Kill me._**

He glances at the packages and back to her, moving over to her and spreading them out. "Y-yeah, yeah, I told you I would." Peter says, showing Shiloh the ones he has. "Guess the sharks, bears, and Lifesavers aren't really worms but...uh, yeah." Peter cuts himself off, realizing that Shiloh can, in fact, see the difference between gummy candy. "Sour gummy worms are mine though." Peter cracks a smile, looking to her and trying to brush off his awkward rambling.

Shiloh's eyes narrow mockingly, trying to shake away her nerves. "I'ma take the Lifesavers."

Peter hands over the bag, their fingers brushing and both of their cheeks immediately start heating up. "Uh, guess we gotta thank Happy." Peter chuckles softly.

"Yeah, I'll be sure to thank him and then ask him why he never gets me any candy." Shiloh laughs before biting her lip. "Anyway, do you....wanna sit? And actually, turn the movie on?"

"Oh, yeah." Peter says quickly, taking a step back to allow Shiloh by.

She walks over to her bed and grabs her phone from her nightstand, pressing the play button on her screen and allowing the movie to play. And now, she has a few options. She can invite Peter to sit on her bed with her which is a totally normal thing that under any other circumstances, she would have done without a second thought. Or, they can sit on the floor, a weird and uncomfortable distance apart.

**_For fuck's sake, it's just Peter._ **

"Do you wanna sit?" Shiloh motions to her bed, chewing the inside of her cheek.

Peter's eyes widen, fingers fiddling with the packages in his hands.  ** _It's just Shiloh_**. "Yeah, yeah, okay." Peter breathes, walking over to Shiloh and the two of them take their seats on her bed.

They scoot back until their backs are against the wall, their legs outstretched in front of them while the movie plays. Shiloh fiddles with the packaging of her own candy while Peter is setting the other packages to the side and already opening his. He just starts eating because if he's eating, he can't talk and screw up whatever this awkward thing is. Shiloh, on the other hand, keeps glancing at him through the corner of her eyes and maybe she should have asked if this was a date. But, then again, maybe that would have made her more nervous than she already is. She really doesn't want to screw this up either, whatever  _it_  is.

She continues to fiddle with the packaging until a full eight minutes later, when Peter finally finds it in himself to look over to her, glancing between her face and the package in her lap. Okay, so maybe Shiloh, one of the most confident people he's ever met, might be more nervous than he is. Which means, he has to be the one to not be nervous otherwise this is going to be the most awkward hour and fifty-six minutes of his life.

"Uh, Shi," Peter says, chewing his bottom lip as Shiloh looks to him with raised brows and wide eyes, as if she wasn't even watching the movie but trapped in her own head. "Um...do-do you want me to..." Peter glances to the package and back to her face.

"Oh!" Shiloh looks down and back to Peter, slowly handing it to him. "Thanks."

Peter offers a gentle smile, opening the package and handing it back to her. "You're welcome."

Shiloh smiles back before going to her bag of Lifesavers and somehow, that small gesture and Peter's warm smile, eases some of the tension and Shiloh feels like she can relax a little bit. Romantic or platonic feelings, it's still just Peter. And somehow, that eased the tension on Peter's end as well, him able to lean and slouch more comfortable beside her, Shiloh following his lead.

The movie plays on and the two exchange some stolen glances and it's about half-way through when Peter finds himself being the one to slowly and carefully move a little closer to her. They're already sitting pretty close, almost shoulder-to-shoulder but not close enough. He wants this to be a type of easy date. He wants to gain that courage to tell her he's had feelings for her and he wants to just be close to her. And with it being half-way through the movie, Peter thinks it's a safe time because if it backfires, there's only just under an hour left and he can deal with under an hour of awkward tension. But, if it doesn't backfire, that's just under an hour he can spend closer to her. So, he moves a little closer to her, his pants-covered leg against her bare leg and his shoulder against hers.

Shiloh's eyes widen, feeling Peter's new warmth against her and she can feel the tension in his body, waiting for her to pull away but she doesn't and she doesn't want to. Instead, the shock of Peter being the one to move closer wears off almost immediately and a smile pulls at her lips before she looks to him and moves closer to him. And she rests her head against his cheek, her feeling him let out a breath of relief before he shifts and moves his arm behind her, pulling her into his side. But, the position isn't exactly comfortable but that doesn't mean Shiloh wants to pull away.

"Pete?" Shiloh asks, lifting her head up to look at him and Peter's heart stops as he hums. "Do you maybe...just wanna lay down? I think that'll be more comfortable." Shiloh offers an awkward and shy laugh but all Peter does is give her a sweet smile.

"Okay." He says, pulling his arm from around her and letting Shiloh pick where she wants to lay since it's her bed.

She picks the side closest to the wall and once she seems comfortable, Peter lays down beside her, offering up his arm and welcoming her to lay on his chest just as they did that night on the couch. Shiloh takes the offer, laying her arm across his torso while Peter's wraps around her shoulders. Peter's other hand falls onto her arm that's across his torso, his thumb rubbing against her skin softly. The two of them lay there together, eyes on the screen, warm and happy and comfortable with each other.

The movie plays on and usually, they'd be joking by now, quoting the movie back to each other, Peter always more sarcastic while Shiloh is more dramatic. But, this time, they remain in silence, wrapped in each other's arms, Shiloh listening to the steady rhythm of Peter's heartbeat and Peter lost in the way she feels against him. And there's that thought for the both of them: why didn't they do this sooner? Of course, they do know  _why_  but it still makes them wish they would have been able to spend more time like this sooner.

"Pete?" Shiloh whispers against him, only looking up when she feels him tilt his head down. "I'm really proud of you for everything you're doing."

Peter's brows furrow, wondering where that had come from but his heart swells. "W-what, uh, what d'you mean?"

Shiloh shrugs against him. "Treatments, apologizing to everyone, my dad even though you still haven't exactly talked to him which is totally okay, ya know? Take your time. Just, ya know, trying and.....being around here. I  _really_  missed you."

Peter chews his lip, a break in his heart aching across his chest. He knew he was hurting her, he just thought it was for the best. He really did and that's just so unfair and he's filled with so much regret over it. And all he wants to do is explain to her that he's missed her, too, and all he's ever done was to try and protect her.

Peter rolls over slowly, Shiloh slightly moving away so their heads don't bump together now that Peter is facing her, his arm still around her side and hers around his. "I missed you, too." Peter says softly, Shiloh hanging onto his words. "I, uh, I never...I never meant to hurt you like that. I really didn't. It's just...." Peter pauses for a few seconds. "I-I know you. You...you won't let me get hurt. I knew if I fought you and took out everything on you, you wouldn't be going on a mission and get yourself killed." Peter's eyes are on hers, the end of the movie just an echo in the background. "Then I-I-I found out you were dying and...I dunno, Shi, it's like everything I tried to do... to protect you from, was...just...pointless."

Shiloh runs her hand along his side and she understands. They did talk about this but there's something with Peter saying it now and the way he's explaining it. It doesn't excuse anything he's said or done to her, nothing ever could. She lost people, too and she didn't turn into some villain or criminal in order to protect anyone. But, pain changes people. Loss changes people. They get lost in the agony of it all and they can't find their way out anymore. There's no more trust, just overthinking and irrational thoughts. It's not an excuse but Shiloh understands, that's why she can forgive him and trust him again.

"I just...." Peter pauses, his mind running, tossing thoughts at him too fast for him to actually catch up. There's so many things he wants to say but most of them just feel too soon and too heavy and he can't scare her away. She's afraid of scaring him away too, but Peter's terrified of her leaving him. "I-I j-just want to protect you."

Shiloh nods softly, moving a little closer to Peter, feeling the warmth radiating from his body. "I know. It's okay, Pete. I forgive you for it all, ya know? I really do. I just wanna protect you, too."

Peter offers her a relieved but subtle smile. He didn't know how badly he needed it, but he really needed her to tell him she forgives him.

"I trust you, too, ya know?" Shiloh says, her eyes looking over his face before traveling down to his lips and his chest, watching it move with every breath.

"Y-you do?" Peter asks, eyes scanning over her.

"Yeah," She says with ease, looking back to the big doe-eyed brown eyes that are uniquely Peter's. "Ya know, I don't like being called Stark because I always feel like people expect me to  _be_  my dad." Peter raises a brow, as if waiting for her to finish. "I love him and he's the best dad in the entire world, it's just. I don't want to  _be_  him. I dunno, I never really told anyone that."

"I, uh, I don't think you're that much like him." Peter admits and Shiloh rolls her eyes.

"I am. I know I am."

Peter scrunches his face, shaking his head against the pillow before pulling her so close their chests are almost touching. "You're not." Peter closes his eyes for a split second, suddenly very aware of how close he's pulled Shiloh and her eyes are set on his, their faces close enough for their breath to start to fan against each other's skin. "T-Tony's cool, yeah but.....you're...." Peter trails off, his breath stuck in his chest as Shiloh watches him carefully, finding herself holding her own breath. " _You_." Peter breathes and Shiloh just shakes her head, clearly not believing him.

"I want people to see me, not him." Her voice is filled with dismay as her eyes go to his arm, just trying to avoid eye contact while her thumb is mindlessly rubbing circles against his side.

Peter moves his hand to the side of her face. " _I do_."

The thing with Peter is that he's looked up to Tony his entire life. So, if anyone would see Shiloh as another version of Tony, it would be Peter, but he doesn't see her like that. He sees her for everything she is and isn't. Of course, she's Tony kid so there are similarities but that's not why he likes her. He likes her because she's her. She doesn't let other people dictate who she is and who she isn't. She's Shiloh and if people don't like that, it sucks to be them. She's not gonna change for anyone.

And all Shiloh's wanted is to know people see her as herself, not just as a Stark. Then there's Peter. Her favorite person and he sees her just as that. Not a Stark. Just Shiloh. And she can't help the way a smile aches her cheeks and her heart is racing while she's subconsciously holding her breath, slowly closing the distance between them because Peter sees her for who she is and she sees Peter for who he is under all the dark and twisty. And Peter is slowly moving closer, too because he knows she sees him and their lips brush together, eyes closing before Peter freaks out.

He pulls away, just a little. "Um...t-the movie. It-it's over and I-I-I gotta go to the bathroom." Peter rushes out, eyes wide as Shiloh looks to him.

"Oh...okay...." Shiloh whispers, Peter removing himself from the bed, nearly falling as he does so. "You okay?" Shiloh asks, trying to brush off the embarrassment of almost kissing him and him pulling away from her bones.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Peter rushes before pointing his thumb towards the door. "I-I'll, uh, be back."

"Okay." Shiloh repeats, sitting up herself and watching Peter exit her room, shutting the door behind him.

Once he's gone, Shiloh grabs her pillow and buries her face in it. It's too soon for him, that's all it is. Too soon for him and she just misread the situation. That's all it is but the embarrassment is leaking through her body. How horrible is it to think you're gonna be kissed only for the other person to pull away? Shiloh wants to bury herself under a rock and just die there. But, that's not exactly an option and while this sucks for her, she needs to pull it together. Act like everything's fine because that's what she does. So, she switches the movie to New Girl, pausing the TV as soon as it starts just in case Peter would want to see the beginning. And then the idea hits her. She has something of Peter's and maybe it's time she returns it.

Meanwhile, Peter locked himself in the bathroom and is standing in front of the mirror, trying to keep himself calm and kicking himself at the same time. He wants to kiss her. He wants this whole thing to be a date and bring them closer. And yet, he pulled away.  ** _Whyyyy?_**  He just got scared that maybe he had misread it even though she was the one moving closer.

 ** _What if she needs more time? Yeah, she admitted the trust is mended but what if she actually needs more time to even want something more with me? This is so stupid_**.

It's Shiloh. They've kissed before and it didn't change anything. They decided not to date and that didn't even change anything. Not for the worst. They remained friends, just as close as they ever were and it was like it never happened. So, this shouldn't be any different. It won't be any different. If Shiloh feels the same, it'll change things for the better and if she doesn't, nothing will change. Peter will feel a bit embarrassed and a bit heartbroken but nothing will change between them.

The embarrassment will wear off and the heartbreak will fade. And that's only if she doesn't feel the same way. And Peter just really, really wants to kiss her and tell her how he feels. So, he takes one last look in the mirror, pulling his confidence together with a nod and starts to head back to Shiloh's room.

Peter reaches Shiloh's room and carefully opens the door, not bothering to knock this time. When he gets inside of the room, he sees the TV switched to New Girl and Shiloh's desk lamp on. Shiloh's stood by her desk, a drawer open and her eyes looking into it as if to be in deep thought.  
  


Peter starts to make his way over to her after shutting the door, his metal leg squeaking with every step, the squeaking already pulling Shiloh from her thoughts. "W-what, uh, what're you doing?" Peter asks softly.

Shiloh glances to him before she reaches into her drawer, pulling out an old Nikon. "You left this here when you moved out."

Peter's eyes widen and his jaw falls open a little as he takes the camera carefully from her hands. The red, silver, and blue strap still looking just as worn as when he left it making a small smile come to his face, subtle tears burning the back of his eyes. He remembers leaving it.

He did it on purpose because it just didn't feel right. He hated everything and everyone. Never wanted to pick up a camera again even though it about killed him to spend the money on it. He didn't think he'd ever want to photograph or film anything ever again. Everything just sucked and was so dark he couldn't find a piece of happiness or joy in anything, even the things he loved the most like that camera. He had never really forgotten about it, he had just shoved it in the back of his mind and stopped thinking about it. Until now.

"You-you kept it?" Peter looks to Shiloh in disbelief.

She nods softly. "Yeah," She gives him a half-laugh before rubbing the back of her neck. "I was always kind of hoping you would come back."

"You were?"

"Yeah." Shiloh laughs softly. "I told you, I'm only an optimist when it comes to you."

"Thank you." Peter says, looking to the camera again.

She's held onto this for a year now.  ** _Of course, what else would she do with a two thousand dollar camera?_**  But, that's not really the point. She kept it in her own room at the tower, hoping he would come back. That's the point. She's always had hope and faith in him. And Peter has the same in her.

"Um..." Peter swallows thickly. "D-do you think....you could fix my leg?" Peter asks, his voice soft and filled with anxiety. "I, uh, I don't..I don't like that it squeaks."

Shiloh's eyes widen in surprise, not expecting him to ask her, of all people, to fix his leg. He can do this himself. It's just metal, a few screws and some oil and it'll be fine. Although, if it were her choice, she'd just get him an upgraded leg but that's not her place so she keeps quiet on that part. But, to fix it, fix the squeaking, she can do that.

"Okay." Shiloh goes into her drawer and pulls out a screwdriver, a small flashlight, and a small container of oil. That makes Peter laugh. "What?" She quirks a brow at him.

"N-nothing." He shakes his head while Shiloh nods towards her bed. "Just...only you would have all of that in your room."

"Don't you have all of this and then some in your own room?" Shiloh asks with suspicion written across her face.

Peter shrugs, taking a seat on her bed. "Um...well...yeah." He chuckles softly.

"Exactly." Shiloh mocks. "Um," She looks down before kneeling in front of him. "Pant leg?" She raises a brow and Peter reaches down, pulling up the blue plaid material just above the knee, keeping the rest of his leg concealed, not ready for Shiloh to see where the metal meets his thigh.

Shiloh turns the flashlight on and sticks it between her teeth while she picks up the screwdriver and starts adjusting the screws in the joint. Peter watches her carefully, anxiety starting to dissipate because he trusts her.

She's not gonna do anything to spite him or betray him. She's just looking out for him and he adores her so much for it. All day today, she's been watching him and keeping an eye on him, making sure he's okay. Even when they got back from FEAST, she was checking on him more than usual and it only made him feel loved and it's been a long time since he's felt that.

It brought him back to the battlefield again, because at the end of the day, this girl is human and she put herself in the middle of him and explosions and aliens to keep him safe because he is her saving grace. He is her person and it doesn't matter. She's said it before and she'd say it a thousand times, she would die for him without even a second thought. And Peter just keeps thinking back to that. And that kiss.

* * *

 

_"Peter!" Shiloh beams, Peter's name is drenched in excitement as she runs over to him._

_Her arms immediately wrap around his neck and his around her torso. They've hugged a million times before. It's nothing unusual or out of character but this hug just feels so good. It's a hug that's tight and filled with things unsaid and rushed relief. It's a hug that should probably wait until after the war is won but it just can't. It's an impulse. And it feels like things are falling into place._

_And Peter can't get his heart to slow down. He can blame it on the adrenaline of the war and the mix of seeing his mentor and one of his best friends again. He can blame it on the curiosity of wanting to know exactly how five years have passed for everyone besides those who were dusted and he could blame it on the wonder about his other friends and May. But, there's that feeling in his gut and that's not it. He's just so happy and relieved to see, to feel, Shiloh with him again._

_And one second they're hugging and the next, Peter's pressing his lips to hers. Shiloh's eyes widen and her breath hitches in her throat while she doesn't even bother to breathe, the shock of the kiss is enough to knock the wind out of her. But, it doesn't last long before Peter's pulling away, as if being snapped out of the rush of relief._

_"I-uh, I um, s-sorry, I shouldn't....I mean...." Peter stutters and his face is matching the deep red of the iron spider suit and Shiloh's cheeks match his._

_"It's okay." Shiloh whispers. "That was just unexpected." Shiloh says but she gives Peter a warm smile._

_"Um," Peter glances around to the war around them. "Yeah..." He scratches the back of his neck._

_Peter opens his mouth to start rambling an apology but he's cut off by an explosion to the side of them. The two of them flinch away from the blast, both being brought back into reality that they don't have time to stand around. Everyone needs to work together if they're gonna win._

_Reunions can wait._

_Shiloh leans in and kisses Peter's cheek. "We'll talk about it later?"_

_Peter nods quickly, his heart skipping a beat and his cheek where Shiloh kissed him is burning in the most soothing way. "Yeah, yeah." Peter's face scrunches and he slowly gains a fighting smile, one that says he's ready to jump back into the fight. "Together?" Peter asks, his mask forming around his face._

_Shiloh smirks with the shrug of her shoulders, her helmet forming around her face. "I'll cover you."_

_The two teenagers move around, Peter using his webbing to grab the aliens and Shiloh blasting them, killing them instantly. They work together to help as much as they can while they listen to Cap in their coms telling Clint to get the stones far away and Scott saying they still have the van but it's right behind Thano's army._

_Peter and Shiloh use their AIs to locate the gauntlet that contains the stones, making their way towards it to cover anyone who has it. It goes from Clint to T'Challa and T'Challa was doing great with it, making up plenty of ground until one of Thanos main minions trapped him in rock and debris._

_"You're on, Parker." Shiloh says, firing at the rock holding T'Challa just as Peter swings in and webs it, pulling it into his grasp._

_"I got it!" Peter yells, landing on an alien before he's completely surrounded. He only has one choice and he knows his AI will plenty happy. "Activate instant kill."_

_Adrenaline floods Peter's veins as the pincers come out of the suit and kill every surrounding alien while Peter holds onto the gauntlet with his life. He never really thought he'd ever need an instant kill feature given his feelings on killing but desperate times call for desperate measures._

_"Instant kill, huh?" Shiloh asks, flying above Peter and killing a few incoming aliens. "How'd it feel?"_

_"Shut up." Peter groans through a half-hearted laugh before he's back to running and swinging with the gauntlet, trying to get it through at least some of the army but it doesn't last long before he's jumped by ten aliens and missiles start firing from Thanos's ship._

_"Peter!" Shiloh yells, trying to turn around but she gets hit by an alien three times her size, taking her down to the ground._

_"Uh, a little help!" Peter yells, squirming away from the aliens as he tries to hold onto the gauntlet._

_"I-" Shiloh punches the alien as hard as she can, taking a step forward while ignoring her throbbing head, desperate to go help Peter. "Swear-" She punches it again, this time using an extension of the armor. "I'm-" Again. "Going to lose my shit!" Shiloh groans, using the blasters on her shoulders and her hands, instantly killing the alien who only barely stood a chance._

_She pants but only for a second while she looks over her shoulder, seeing no sign of Peter anymore. Instead, she goes to look back in front of her, ready to fly back into the air and continue the work while having her own AI keep a look out but before she can move anywhere, she's being snatched into the air before one of the aliens that looks like a hybrid centipede attacks her._

_"Gotcha." Peter says, webbing Shiloh and pulling her along, saving her._

_She looks up to see he's riding a pegasus and still holding tight of the gauntlet. "Raccoon riding on Rhodey, talking trees, Peter on a pegasus." Shiloh mutters, her blasters turning on so she can detach herself from Peter's webbing and fly alongside. "Anything else?"_

_Peter glances to her and Shiloh can't see through his mask but he's smiling, a small and sweet smile. And his eyes are just as bright as they always are. "We're surrounded by wizards." Peter says gaining a half laugh, half scoff from Shiloh but that quickly disappears._

_A missile comes and flies right past them, the motion of the missile knocking Peter from the pegasus and throwing Shiloh off course. She's quick though and goes to catch him, just enough for the two of them to collide with the ground. The two don't waste time in getting to their feet, Peter running first and Shiloh keeping him covered just long enough for them to make it a few more yards before another missile hits right in front of Peter. And lucky for Shiloh, his reflexes are faster than the missile._

_He webs her as he's thrown backwards and to the side, pulling her against him while a missile hits where she was running behind. The two roll and tumble against a large rock, Peter's mask and Shiloh's helmet dissolving once they've stopped._

_They're both bleeding from noses and lips, both looking terrified and it only gets worse when more missiles start coming down. They duck under each other, both of them trying to protect each other from the impact anything that might hit them while the gauntlet is right under them, not moving even a centimeter._

_The explosions of the missiles press on for what seems like forever, allowing the teens to cower into each other, hoping to keep each other and the gauntlet safe from Thanos and his army. And Peter's got his web attached to Shiloh while his arm is wrapped around her, his eyes closed shut while his head is buried into her shoulder._

_Shiloh's arm is tangled over his side and the two of them are holding each other in a death grip as if that's enough to keep each other safe. Fighting a war is hard. Fighting a war as a teenager, even with superhero tech and superhuman abilities, is harder. Fighting a war with all of that and fighting with someone they're also trying to protect is the hardest. But, that's how they stay alive. Protect each other._

_The sounds of the missiles come to a stop and debris stops flying around while the dust starts to diminish, Peter and Shiloh looking up to each other. Their eyes are both bloodshot from the dust that was being blown around and they're covered in dirt, faces decorated in dirt and blood mixture, already forming bruises hidden by the filth._

_"You okay?" Peter asks._

_"Always." Shiloh says._

* * *

 

That was a day from hell but also a day that showed just how much they meant to each other and Peter can feel that's still the same. He can sense it with her. It's there.

Shiloh is still adjusting screws and Peter has an undeniable urge to pull out the camera that still contains his old memory card, the battery still half charged and take a picture of her. Her hair is falling out of her ponytail, the flashlight is dangling between her lips while her brows are pulled together in concentration.

And there were always people Peter overheard between high school and college who would comment on how pretty she was. But it was always whenever she was uniform. Makeup and hair done, matching everyone else. Short skirt. And sure, she always looks pretty dressed in cheer attire but to Peter, this is the most beautiful part of Shiloh.

Messy hair with a flashlight and a screwdriver because this is her. Authentic and real and not just someone in a skirt who can toss girls into the air and catch them. This is the Shiloh that's all of that and so much more. This one, this is the one only him and a few other people really get to see. And he adores her more than anyone.

Peter puts the camera to his eye and focuses the camera on Shiloh, her eyes set on the joint of his knee. The shutter sounds softly before he pulls the camera away and looks at the small screen displayed with the new picture.

Shiloh takes the flashlight out of her mouth, looking at Peter. "Did you just take a picture of me?"

Peter's cheeks flush but he doesn't deny it. "Uh...y-yeah, I did."

"Why?" Shiloh laughs softly, eyes still on his.

Peter bites his lip and he can feel every ounce of anxiety start to course through his veins. He wants to tell her exactly why. He likes her. Really, really and genuinely likes her so much more than just as friends. And maybe he always has. Small parts of him have at least but the past few months of just being able to see her, grow with her, and be with her again, like old times. That spark has reignited and he is so sure that he's crazy about her in the most romantic way. But he's Peter Parker and he's not too great with words so he just lets his mind ramble and opts for something simple.

"I-I just...I think you're really pretty." Peter says quietly, looking to her and to the picture he just took of her displayed on the small screen of the camera.

It's weird because Shiloh is confident. She holds herself well in everything she does but there's always been that part of her, ever since Doc Ock that just didn't fit like it did before. She knows she's pretty but...those two scars down the side of her face haunt her a little. It's like they're just tormenting her because sure, scars are badass and most people can agree especially when sustained from encountering a villain like Doc Ock but who would actually use the word "pretty" to describe her? A lot of people, but especially Peter Parker.

"You...you do?" Shiloh asks, her brows pulled together and Peter can't help but hear her heartbeat racing in her chest.

He's done well trying to tune it out, but with just them and a paused TV, it's hard for him to ignore. So he leans over to the side and puts his camera on Shiloh's nightstand before extending his arms down to her. Because there is something in his bones wanting to have contact with her.

Shiloh looks at him, and he is the only person on the planet who can make her feel nervous. She's not nervous around people. She can flirt and date and have one-night stands. Sure, she might feel a little self-conscious but she can push that away. Until it comes to Peter. But maybe that's just because of the unsaid history between them, and because she has been completely crazy about him forever.

So, Shiloh hesitates but only for a few seconds before she puts the screwdriver and flashlight on the floor, moving up to Peter and standing between his legs. Peter's so nervous that his palms are sweating and his hands start to shake slightly, but she is perfect. She has been here for him and he wants to be there for her. Peter scoots back so his back is pressing against the wall and he extends a hand out to her, inviting her to sit with him.

And to his surprise, she takes it, moving to straddle his lap, Peter's hands on her hips before one of them travels up to the right side of her face. His hands are shaky and tentative, careful not to overstep but Shiloh lets him. His hands meet the scars of her face and his eyes are so soft and filled with something that could only be described as adoration.

"I....I think, yeah." Peter gives her a shy smile, his words breathy while his eyes look to one of the scars, thumb running over it. "You're really beautiful." His eyes go back to her with a kindness she's never seen anyone look at her with.

Shiloh blushes, smiling against him as she tries to shy away, pushing against his hand. "Stop."

"No, I mean it." Peter says, his other hand cupping her other cheek. "I-I don't care about that. I....you look pretty like this. Just...as you."

Shiloh's eyes are on his and she didn't expect this. Not after everything but especially today. FEAST was such a huge step that she was sure Peter would only want to retreat back to his room but he didn't. Peter hung around. He hung out with Rhodey and Harley. He put in so much effort today and it's just left Shiloh in a state of proud shock. And this, it's just another step of effort because Peter is never good with expressing these kinds of feelings. But here he is. Putting himself on the line again. And maybe she needs to put her heart on the line for him again.

Shiloh's hands move to his neck, bringing her forehead to his. Their breaths start to tangle together, Peter's thumb still running against her scars while hers brush against the soft skin of his neck. It's like they're both barely breathing, waiting to be interrupted or the other to pull away. But, neither happen. They're both just left there in a state of silence, hoping the other will make the first move until Shiloh finally says something, something that catches even herself off guard.

"I really like you, Peter Parker." It's a whisper but it's enough to make Peter smile against her.

And he nudges her nose with his softly, but not to push her away, just enough to brush his nose against hers, their lips just barely touching.

"You...you do?" He asks, his eyes meeting hers and going to her lips.

"Yeah..." The word comes out in a shallow breath of nerves.

"I like you, too." Peter whispers, his lips brushing against hers with every word until he finally captures her lips with his.

Shiloh's hands go to his shoulders, pulling him impossibly closer to her, deepening the kiss and pressing herself against him. Peter swipes his tongue across her bottom lip before she opens her mouth, their tongues dancing together in perfect rhythm. Peter's hands move from her cheeks to her back, arms wrapping around her and pulling her flush against his chest.

And Peter, in this moment with Shiloh against him and their kissing turning sloppy and giggly, he swears he's the happiest he has ever been. She makes him so happy and safe and comfortable and he never wants this to stop.

He wants to stay right here in her room, just the two of them with their lips together and her hands tangling through his hair. She is his anchor, keeping him grounded while on land and she's his life jacket when he's drowning. Never, in his entire life, did he think one person could mean so much to him, even after all of this time of being friends with her. Even after falling in love the first time. But, Shiloh, she's different in such a good way that Peter's bones are vibrating and his head is spinning and he feels whole again.

And this is a feeling Shiloh has buried for so long. It was never the right time and he was so in love with MJ that it just was not her place, but now life is aligning and it all feels right. It's like they're finally written in the stars, names plastered on neon lights above the city and she's smiling against his lips, her mouth already going numb and chest heaving but she doesn't even care. This boy could suck the air right out of her lungs every day for the rest of her life and all she would do is thank him because this is what happiness feels like.

It's him and her in one room and finding it in themselves to let go of everything that's happened. It's them reverting back to a friendship they had as teens and turning it into something incredible. It's the two of them. Working as individuals because they can but coming together and working together because they want to. They need each other because everyone needs people. Everyone on the face of the earth needs someone and Peter and Shiloh are no different.

But the last few years prove they don't  _need_  each other to  _survive_ , but they sure as hell don't want to survive without each other because they mean everything to each other. Too much wasted time between the two of them. Too many unsaid words. Too much heartbreak. It's been a broken mess but it's lead them here and they are happy and bubbly, clanking teeth and sloppy kisses because that's them.

Peter pulls away first, his hands softly resting on her hips. His cheeks are flushed, lips swollen, and his hair disheveled. "C-can't breathe." Peter laughs softly, eyes on hers.

Shiloh's chest heaves, her cheeks aching as she nods. "Yeah...." She bites her lip but the smile across her face shines through.

Silence falls between them, just the sound of their breathing filling the room and Shiloh's eyes travel from his down to his chest, watching it rise and fall. He's alive. He's breathing and alive and right here under her. Her stomach turns and she's never felt this way with anyone. Not Cindy or those one-night stands or even her college fling. No one's ever made her feel both nervous and excited, filled with adrenaline. It's only Peter and it's  _always been Peter_.

"I don't care." Shiloh says, looking back to him. "That I can't breathe."

For the first time in the years Shiloh has known Peter, she swears his eyes darken and he gains a smirk, shaking his head and the loose curls on his forehead sway with the movement. "Me either."

Not even a beat passes between them before their lips are attached to the other's again. This time though, Shiloh tugs on Peter's shirt, sliding off him and pulling him to lay down with her. He takes the edge while Shiloh is against the wall, her leg sliding over his hip while Peter's arm moves around her. He tugs her close to him, their lips never once disconnecting. And their hearts are hammering, beating like a thousand racehorses and they are just beating for the other, allowing themselves to get lost in the bliss and contentment of each other. Because this is where they need to be.


	15. real hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold italics are thoughts!!

The warmth of Peter's chest against Shiloh's back keeps Shiloh under a peaceful sleep, his breathing consistent and steady with every inhale and exhale, subtle and occasional snores leaving his lips every so often. Peter's arm that's gently wrapped across Shiloh's torso starts to tighten. The gentle grip starts to become more aggressive as the seconds pass, his muscles twitch with every scrunch of his face.

Shiloh's eyes blink open as Peter's grasp tightens around her. Her tired state leaves her thinking, only for a second, that he's pulling her closer to him in his sleep and a smile tugs at her lips, her eyes slowly closing again before Peter's arms tighten around her, this time pushing the air from her chest. Shiloh's eyes shoot open and her mouth opens as she tries to get air into her lungs but Peter's grasp doesn't loosen. Her arms continue to flex and squeeze her against his chest as whimpers fall from his lips.

Shiloh tugs at his arms the best she can, knowing she won't be able to break the grasp but hoping that her struggling against him will wake him up. Her nails dig into his skin and for once, she wishes her nails weren't bitten and clipped down to her fingers.

Panic starts to set in as she realizes that if she can't wake him up, this could be it. Of course, it's not his fault, really. It's obviously a nightmare and in the time of being friends, they've both woken up with a black eye or two in sharing a couch. It happens sometimes. But, Peter's crushing her and this a little different. Crushing her isn't just a black eye. It's the play of life and death and in her struggle, Shiloh is reminded just how close she could be to dying at any point, especially around Peter.

Whether it be villains or the monsters inside his head, there's always some sort of lethal danger when being around Peter. It didn't use to be like this and if Shiloh could change it, make things better, when everything was just plane crashes on a beach and late nights in the lab when they definitely should have been asleep, she would because if there's one thing she hates most in the world, it's being afraid of Peter. Her fear fades in the brightness of his smile and laugh and the crinkle of his eyes and scrunch of his nose but that fear ignites like dead trees doused in gasoline when a single spark touches the wood. It's quick and hot and burning. It's suffocating.

"P-p-p-peter." Shilohs gasps, still clawing at his arms, tears stinging the back of her eyes as she feels the soreness and rawness of her throat becoming almost too much. "P-p-" Her breath fades, her cheeks aching and burning, a hot tear falling down the side of her face.

She won't be able to wake him up. Whatever is going on in his dream state has him so far lost that her gasping and choking isn't going to do anything. And it's like the day on the fire escape. Oxygen deprived and Marty in her ear telling her to shoot him. Peter showing up at her window, telling her to shoot him if it happens again. And that's what gets her adrenaline pumping just enough.

Shiloh moves her feet against her wall, maneuvering her hands under Peter's crushing arms as much as she can. She pushes against the wall and his arms as hard as she can, ignoring the burning of her eyes and her heart in her ears just long enough to get enough air in her lungs.

"Marty, sirens!" Shiloh yells and only a half a second passes before loud and booming sirens fill the room just as her hands slip and her legs give out. Peter's arm immediately push the air from her body once more, this time in a hard and fast squeeze.

The sirens reverberate across the room and Peter's eyes shoot open, his heart beating a thousand beats per second, arms aching with every passing second as his grip doesn't loosen. It takes him those few seconds to realize that he wasn't fighting off Mysterio again, no one was dying, none of it was real and when he realized it, a truck full of guilt hit him at what felt like a hundred miles per hour.

Shiloh's gasping in his arms, the sirens are blaring, his grip is tight and Peter's eyes are wide while he finally lets go, moving himself away from her so fast, he falls off the bed. Peter's back hits Shiloh's desk, his knees bent near his chest while his heart races and his eyes watch Shiloh.

It's one thing to intentionally hurt her or scare her but this, they were good. In a good place. They've been in a good place but then Peter has one of those damn dreams with the blood and villains and death and then this happens. It's like he's just taken a hundred steps back because he  _hurt_  her and he  _scared_  her while  _sleeping_. Even in his sleep, he's not safe.  _She's_  not safe.

"I-I-I'm s-" Peter stutters, head shaking as his eyes glass over, staring at Shiloh in pure shock.

"Go away!" Shiloh yells, sirens still blaring over them.

Now isn't the time for apologies, he could have killed her. It's four in the damn morning and he could have killed her. Again. She doesn't want his apology right now. She's fucking  _scared_  of him right now and his spider senses should tell him that. He should just know that with how close they are, or are supposed to be that is.

"B-but I didn't....I'm sorry. I..."

The fear of it all happening right now and the very thought that this could be a regular occurrence if they were to pick up sleeping together on a regular or even semi-regular basis, even if it's just accidentally falling asleep on the couch together, starts to fade and be replaced with pure and unadulterated anger.

**_What part of go away doesn't he understand? Heart? Pounding. Can he suddenly not see when someone needs to be left alone?_ **

"Peter, go!" She screams back at him, her blood boiling with every second.

She's fighting two sides of herself. One side knows it's a nightmare. It's not her, it's not even him, it's just a nightmare and it happens. Sometimes those things just happen and it's not the best situation but it's an accident. It happens and she understands so it should be okay but there is this other part that is hollering and turning a vibrant and furious shade of red because how many times does she have to get hurt when being around Peter?

**_Why's it always me?_ **

And if it's not her getting physically injured, it's her friends or family. It's the people she cares the most about getting killed and hurt and it's because they're in relation to Peter and what kind of good is that? None. So, that side just screams and in the moment of four in the morning, the room's only light coming from the city lights, she lets that side win because sometimes it's easier to be mad rather than understanding.

Sometimes being understanding and caring and empathetic gets tiring. It is exhausting. All she ever does is try to be there for Peter and care for him, understand that none of this is his fault but fuck has it come at one hell of cost and she just needs to yell.

She needs to let her face turn red as she gets up from the bed and tosses her arm towards the door, finger pointing out as she screams for Peter to leave, looking down at him. Peter's bottom lip just quivers and he apologizes and tries to explain but Shiloh just keeps screaming over him and it's leaving him confused and broken and hurt. It leaves him feeling alone. Alone again, the same feeling he's felt for too long all coming back like a tidal wave pulling him under for the last time but he fights it this time. He keeps trying to explain, he doesn't  _want_  to  _leave_.

**_Get up and fight back, damn it._ **

But, as Peter keeps trying to explain and ignore Shiloh's screaming, him trying to gain his voice and scream over her to get her to calm down and hear him out, the door slams open. Harley rushes in, hair sticking up in places it usually doesn't, a white t-shirt hanging from his torso while faded Budweiser pajama pants hang on his hips. His chest moves quickly with every breath, eyes quickly glancing between Shiloh and Peter, his head starting to throb from the sirens echoing from around and above him.

"What the fuck is going on?" He screams.

"He needs to fucking leaves!" Shiloh screams at Harley, hand pointing at Peter who's finally getting himself to his feet.

"I'm sorry!" Peter yells. "I didn't--"

"The fuck did you do?" Harley screams before he rolls his eyes. "Fuck's sake, kill the damn sirens!"

"Marty." Shiloh says and the room falls dead silent.

Tension rises as the three stand, Harley glancing between them waiting to hear what happened given they've been perfectly friendly lately. And Peter looks at Shiloh, eyes filled with both guilt and betrayal because yes he can't control what he does in his sleep but that's no excuse to choke someone so of course, he feels guilty for hurting you but the betrayal might be what hurts the most.

Of all people to understand, it should be Shiloh and she's just not. She won't even hear him out. And there's Shiloh who's not looking at Peter or Harley because she knows she has the right to be pissed and scared and upset and hurt and everything in between but, rationally, she knows she should be understanding and Harley will be giving her that speech which is definitely not something she really wants at four in the morning. But she also knows that means she'll have to face Peter but even the thought of that right now with her chest still hurting and aching with every breath all she can feel is fury.

"It-it was a--" Peter goes to explain, a tinge of annoyance starting to touch his voice. Sure, he feels guilty but does this really give Shiloh the right to treat him this way?

"Peter!" Shiloh snaps her attention to Peter, eyes showing all of her unapologetic rage. "Just leave, okay? Go!"

"I'm sorry!" Peter yells back, the sound of Shiloh's racing heart mixing with his own in his eyes sounds like someone attempting a drumroll against a bass drum. Loud, hard, and quick. Fucking annoying.

"What happened?" Harley glances between the two but even he can put the very few miscellaneous pieces together, he just wants the verbal confirmation it was a nightmare and Shiloh was hurt by accident.

"I-I had a nightmare." Peter's voice starts out strong and fades with the last word, head drooping.

Harley sends Shiloh a shallow glare, just for a split second before his eyes go to Peter. "Dude, it's okay. It happens--"

"Harley!" Shiloh snaps at him, fists balled at her sides. "You weren't even here! I had to have Marty trigger the fucking sirens because I couldn't get  ** _him_**  to stop crushing me! I'm so fucking sick of being choked and I'm just tired! I need space!" Shiloh looks back to Peter who's eyes are glossed over and his entire body fills with a sense of numbness.

Shiloh is screaming at Harley and Peter and that voice is getting louder. This isn't fair. Of course, she has every right to be pissed and hurt and Peter can't always use nightmares as an excuse to hurt her. Or anyone for that matter but screaming at him at four in the morning when it was a genuine accident, when the whole night had gone so well and the past few months have been almost nothing but smooth sailing. It's unreasonable to be exploding and telling him to leave and claim that she needs space because maybe she doesn't really need space. She needs him but it's scary and the bottom line is that Peter is the most dangerous person she's ever come in contact with.

While the villains themselves have been somewhat scary in their own ways, that was kind of their point. They were meant to be scary and intimidating. That's why they're  _villains_  but Peter is supposed to be a  _hero_  and he is one even if he hasn't put on the suit for good in years. He's still a hero. But with being a hero comes more danger than a single villain could bring because heroes attract the villains.

They're the reason they show up and they don't care who they hurt in the crossfire of trying to take down that hero. In this case, it's Peter. No matter what, they'll do anything to kill Peter. They've all tried and none of them have succeeded. Instead, all they've done is kill the people he loves and hurt the ones he loves. And because Peter and Shiloh travel in the same circle, they've killed and  _hurt_  her family, the people  _she_  loves. And it's only a matter of time before a villain comes around that can and will kill Peter. So, he's dangerous.

He's dangerous because whether it's her, her friends, her family, or Peter, someone is always going to be hurt or killed.

But, deep down, Shiloh understands and she does accept it because they protect each other. Maybe there's always been this small part of them that knew there was something more than a single friendship there or maybe it was just a matter of time for the stars to align. He's dangerous but she knows he's worth it. It's just this moment of fatigue and fear for her and for Peter, that leads to her telling him to just leave.

"Sh-shiloh, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." Peter takes a step forward and Shiloh steps back, eyes locked on Peter's.

"Just leave. I don't want you here, okay? Go away." Shiloh lowers her voice.

Harley walks over to Shiloh, no longer feeling like she's going to take a swing at anyone that comes near her. "Maybe you should just give her some space, Parker." Harley looks to Peter, eyes said but voice unwavering.

He knows this is going to cause a set-back. He can see it in Peter's eyes. It's in the way he keeps looking over the room and back to Shiloh, it's in the way his hands shake and how he's constantly shifting feet, his leg shaking and the other still healing where the metal meets the flesh. His nose is a tinted red with his cheeks a shy pink. He looks fully defeated, like he's just pushed off the boat into open waters, left to tread water alone again. And Harley hates it. But, Shiloh needs him.

She needs him to comfort her and then she's going to need him to knock some actual sense into her once she's calmed down so he has to tell Peter to leave.  _Space_.

"...O-okay." Peter mutters, tears brimming, just barely starting to slip as he walks towards the door.

As Peter heads for the door, he takes a glance back at Harley and Shiloh, Harley holding onto Shiloh's biceps, walking her backwards for her to sit back on her bed and Shiloh doesn't fight him. Peter can hear her heart starting to return to a normal heart rate, no longer fueled with the cocktail of fear and rage. And with every step back to his room, he can't help but think that the past few months are over.

She doesn't need him or want him. All he does is hurt her and it's everything he was afraid of. Everything he was set to protect her from. He  _told_  her. If he can't protect her from himself, how is he supposed to protect her from a villain? It's only a matter of time before another one comes for her. And there's a split second as he searches his room, grabbing a large backpack from the closet, where he thinks about going back to crime and being her villain because that worked. It worked well enough. Kind of.

Just kind of.

Because then it all hits him as he shoves clothing into the bag. It wasn't better with him being her villain because she ended up nearly killing herself over the extremis. She'll go back to being too focused on Peter and they'll be back to where they started. Miserable, inches away from death. Whether they're together or a part or enemies or friends or more, they'll always have that part that's inches away from a villain showing up and killing either of them. And Peter isn't gonna be that villain for her. But he can't stay here.

So, as he finishes packing taking longer than needed hoping Harley calmed Shiloh enough to get her back to sleep, he makes the promise to himself that he won't take too many steps backwards. He won't put her in more danger. He's not going to put himself in more danger. No more crime. He's not a villain. He's Peter Parker. With great power, comes great responsibility. If he can do good things for other people, he has a moral obligation to do those things and sometimes, those good things are to just be. Leave someone and give them their space.

"Going somewhere?" A voice calls scaring Peter as he creeps through the kitchen, towards the exit of the floor to leave the building, not really wanting to toss on a suit in order to swing from the tower. He chuckles, taking a sip from the purple mug. "Thought you had heightened senses?" Clint questions, raising his brows as Peter's heart races against his ribcage, eyes-rolling.

_**Of course, it's Clint. It's always Clint. Why would Clint be asleep after five in the morning like normal people?** _

A few seconds of silence passes and then another voice comes from the other side of Clint, a pillar blocking Peter's view.

"Probably a bad idea if you are."

**_Rhodey._ **

"Uh...." Peter tugs at the strap of the backpack. "Y-yeah...."

Clint nods. "Why? Thought you were like," He gestures the mug towards Peter and Peter takes a few steps forward. "Staying for awhile."

Peter shrugs, looking to his feet and a chill creeps up his spine with the thought of Shiloh fixing his leg and how his nightmare just had to ruin all of that in one single night.

"Um..." Peter swallows. "I-I....it's just not...working."

Rhodey rolls his eyes while Clint quickly raises his brows and shrugs. "Stark and Pepper are in there with her."

**_Awesome, now Harley had to call in Tony and Pepper. Perfect. Fucking perfect._ **

Peter shoots his head up to look at Clint, brows pulled together. "What?"

"The sirens woke up everyone. Keener called Tones and Pepper in there. What happened?" Rhodey crosses his arms calmly, waiting to hear it from Peter.

Peter sighs, taking a few more steps closer to the counter. "Had a nightmare, guess...I guess I hurt her."

"Nat and I fought." Clint says, taking a sip from his mug as if Peter hadn't even spoken while Rhodey turns to look at him, brows furrowed together wondering where he's gonna go with that one. And the room just falls silent, leaving Peter wondering what the hell that has to do with anything and Clint clearly isn't going to elaborate unless he asks.

"Um....--"

"You were there, Cap and Stark had a fight."

Peter nods. "Right, yeah." Peter remembers that vividly considering it was the first time Tony had called him.

The first time he met the  _Avengers_. The first time of Stark tech in his possession. Oh and he remembers the way that suit felt the first time he put it on and the first time he got to really fight with and against everyone. Of course, it was kind of a big deal since the team was split up but it was _awesome_. Peter got to fight alongside some of the Avengers. It was a thrill and he felt like a real  _hero_  for the first time. He felt  _alive_.

"Nat was with Stark, I was with Cap. It happens, ya know?" Clint says simply, resting the now empty mug on the counter.

"Think this is a little different." Peter suggests with a subtle scoff.

Clint shrugs once more. "Of course it is." Clint scoffs right back. "My point is that this shit happens. Nat and I could have hurt each other, sure we did, it's not right but it happens. Sometimes, you can't be on the same sides all the time and someone gets hurt." Peter just stares at Clint thinking he just doesn't get it.

"Okay, I'll get to the point." Clint rolls his eyes. "Nat and I decided after that we would settle things down with each other. We didn't want to be on different sides even when we disagreed. We don't like to fight with each other. She tells me to leave so I give her space, but I never leave. Nat's punched me and kicked me, swear she even pinched me in her sleep once." Clint winces, rubbing his upper arm, remembering the sting waking him up. "It happens, Peter."

It's after five in the morning and Peter still feels like shit and he just wants to get out of there and Clint definitely isn't cutting to the chase.

"So, I should stay?" Peter asks.

"I'm not gonna tell you what to do, kid." Clint says.

Rhodey maintains a straight face, not having Clint's run around way of trying to help. Key word: trying. He closes his eyes momentarily before squeezing the bridge of his nose and looks to Peter, extending his right hand out.

"What kind of stupid ass question is that?" Rhodey asks.

Peter's eyes widen in shock and his mouth falls open. "I...uh......."

"Yeah, you should stay. Don't you know her well enough to know she's going to be pissed if you leave? You leave and you're done. One night and you're calling it quits? So what, you had a damn nightmare. She got hurt. That sucks. Go to bed, get up, and make her talk to you."

"She told me to leave, Rhodey." Peter's voice grows stern and he really doesn't want to do this right now.

Maybe he does want to leave because he isn't stupid, he knows Rhodey's right. Rhodey is literally always right. Maybe Peter is just as scared of this happening again as Shiloh is and so the easy thing to do is take her telling him to leave literally. He doesn't want to leave but maybe there is that part, the part that's holding onto the strap of the backpack with everything he has that does want to because wouldn't that just be easier for everyone?

"So?" Rhodey says. "Tony has told me to leave, get out his face, said fuck you, everything you wouldn't even believe, including that I wouldn't be getting a suit. People say things they don't mean. Aren't you guilty of that, too, Parker?"

**_Rhodey, always fucking right._ **

"It's different." Peter argues, not ready to cave.

"How?" Clint chimes in. "We've heard plenty of things you told her and she let them go. She tells you to leave because you scared her and that's it?"

Peter looks away from them, jaw clenching and he listens to the both of their hearts. Rhodey, he can tell is purely annoyed while Clint is a bit more calm. Everything is just hard and the lack of sleep just isn't helping and maybe it's not helping Rhodey either so if anything, maybe Peter should be listening to Clint but he can't. Because what if Rhodey and Clint are wrong? What if Shiloh really wants him to leave? Shouldn't he respect her and leave?

"Tell her I'm sorry." Peter finally says, turning around to go towards the elevators.

Rhodey scoffs while Clint just shakes his head. "Tell her yourself." Rhodey says, no mutter or stutter, perfectly clear and coherent.

Responsibility sometimes means knowing when to leave and let go, not for his own good, but for everyone else's. And leaving, that's the responsible thing to do right now and as the elevator doors close, Peter knows that leaving doesn't have to mean forever. He'll be back when the time's right. That's what it means to be accountable and hold responsibility. That's what a  _real_ hero does.

 


End file.
